*careless whispers playing* swerve: so this one’s part of a human mating ritual. It’s sad, cliche melody and themes make nearby humans pitty the performer and assume they get none. The dim lighting means the humans can’t tell it’s not night time, and makes them more aroused.
-bumpinSUV
Caught out - Human Effects
Warnings: unrestricted internet access
Word count 2.3k
I had so much fun doing this and working it into the human effects series so I hope you enjoy it. Bumpin, also I can't wait to do the other one you sent in.
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Rodimus pinches the bridge of his nasal ridge as he vents loudly. "Swerve, for the last time, that song is not actually part of human mating rituals. Please it's so stupid" he exclaims in annoyance. Since they got the music set so the crew could listen to the collective Spotify on the human crews request, Swerve had been raving about the song Careless Whispers.
Meanwhile Whirl is cackling, their one optic on the mini-bot as he sways ridiculously to the music. "Aww c'mon Roddy let Swerve have his fun! I think it's working, look, those humans will definitely feel sorry for ol' Sweeeevy." The helimech cackles.
Swerve ignores them, enthusiastically crooning along at the top of his vocalizer. "Oh I...I'm never gonna dance again... guilty feet have got no rhythm!" He attempts a crude mimicry of human hip shaking that has several crewmembers watch in mixed emotion.
Rubbing his chevron tiredly, Rodimus cuts in. "Swerve. Buddy. For your own good, please shut it off before the humans see you making an aft of yourself, plus I know for a fact that Daniel would start withering into a husk if he heard that song."
Whirl creases with laughter at the minibot's antics as Rodimus shakes his helm, wondering if he can find the will to survive another one of Swerve's "cultural exchanges."
Megatron walks in looking rather tired and ready for a drink when his optics land on Whirl and Rodimus. He pauses in the doorway as the chaotic scene before him registers - Whirl cackling hysterically as always, Rodimus with an expression of long-suffering exasperation, and Swerve... dancing? to some strange organic music. One eyebrow plate arches high, and the barest ghost of a bemused smirk tugs at one corner of his mouth.
"I leave you all alone for a few cycles and return to find the Lost Light devolved into complete anarchy, it seems." His rumbling voice cuts through the din, Whirl just slams his claws on the table as they maniacally laugh, not an ounce of shame. Rodimus heaves a sigh. "Swerve was just...educating us on human courting rituals. Apparently that song is a big part of it. Which I would argue is a lie! "
Megatron's other brow joins the first. He regards the tiny bartender with an air of dry amusement. "Is that so. Well, carry on by all means. we wouldn't want to disrupt such... illuminating cultural exchange. But do try to keep the debauchery contained, yes? There are still functioning mechs aboard this ship."
With that and a brief nod to Rodimus, signalling the matter settled, Megatron turns on heel striding purposefully toward a table hidden in a corner so he doesn't have to deal with the chaos. He requires nothing less than a stiff drink After the cycle.
Rodimus, on the other hand, looks close to joining Whirl in hysterics - though from frustration rather than mirth. One hand grips his audial fins tightly as if to block out the noise. "Swerve, please, for the love of Primus, stop. You are NOT courting humans like that!"
At that moment Whirl's gazing gaze Shifts to Rodimus. “ I don't see you getting any Captain, what makes you think you know what the fleshies like, don't listen to him Swerve” calls back loudly Before Rodimus decides he's had enough. throwing his servos up. "Ugh, forget it. I'm joining Megatron for engex, have fun." And with that, he stalks away muttering about finding more suitable crew members to share drinks with.
But Whirl is having too much fun, falling over themself in mirth. "Go Swervy go! Shake that fine aft, get you some Earth tail! Yeaaah get it!" His exuberant hollers only encourage the bartender, who throws himself with renewed vigour into his poor approximation of human dancing.
After Swerve's crude example of a dance other bots begin inquiry about it. Some are interested in learning about humans. "But where did you learn about Swerve, I need sources" Skids states while his optics narrow on Swerve. Nigthbeat sat off to the side not paying much attention. As Tailgate, Nautica and Skids inquired for more information, they doubted he had asked any of the human crew members on ship about such a thing, plus it had been a while since the ambassador or any of the crew had been to the bar recently.
Swerve shifts nervously under the intense gazes boring into him from Skids and the others. His visor brightens as he attempts a shrug. "Oh you know, around...the holoweb. Places, the internet"
Skids narrows his optics further. "Uh huh. And when exactly were you surfing the human internet from the Lost Light?" He crosses his arms, expression clearly stating he isn't buying Swerve's story.
Tailgate tilts his head curiously. "But didn't you say you learned it from a human, I don't think they'd teach dancing like THAT..."
A sly grin spreads across Nautica's faceplates. "Unless...were you watching those strange organic videos? What were they called again - tiktoks?"
Swerve visibly blanches, waving his arms wildly. "Wh-what? No no, of course not! I would never -"
But Cyclonus, who has been silently observing, speaks up then with quiet certainty. "He's lying. He has had no contact with humans outside of when they come to the bar, he hasn't talked with any of them except Nadia on the rare occasion” The bartender deflates completely as amused chuckles rise up around him. Nautica pats his shoulder kindly. He had been called out for not really talking with the crew, but in his defence he didn't know how to socialise with them outside of serving drinks.
"It's okay Swerve, next time just acutely get your information from a human, doubt the ambassador would like you going around spreading misinformation"
After a moment of processing Rodimus looks up in shock. "Wait a klik We have access to the human internet!?" He asked in shock, when had that happened who set it up and why wasn't he informed. Beside him, Megatron pinches the bridge of his noseplate wearily. "I had hoped to keep that information need-to-know, Rodimus. But yes, Brainstorm installed a transfer several deca-cycles ago to...broaden cultural understanding, and make it easier for a cross line from the holo to the internet so information trade was easier."
Skids pipes up helpfully. "I believe his exact words were 'for science!', but we all know he just wanted to look at more theories about humans and their social behaviour. Fleshie fragger!." He sings out the last part which makes some of the other mechs laugh.
Tailgate gasps excitedly. "Ooh, that's really cool, I wanna see the cute Earth pets!" It makes Cyclonus chuckle softly as he watches the smaller bots' optics widen in wonder.
Rodimus throws his servos up. "Why am I always the last to know about these things?! As Captain I should be informed of any new ship systems or tech!" He grumbles, directing a half-hearted glare at Megatron. The former warlord merely sips his drink placidly. "Think of it as a learning experience in responsible leadership, Rodimus. If you would have read the highlighted parts of the report like i had asked you would have seen that we did this installation"
Rodimus grumbles to him as he takes another sip of his own drink, still glaring at Megatron over being called out on his neglect of the reports, he had been doing more reading of them but it did get to a point where he wanted to slam his helm into a wall.
It makes Sunstreaker freeze for a moment, realising that it meant the humans most likely had access to their own sites. "Wait if we can access their internet does that mean they now also have access to our holoweb, sites and forums?" He asked rather worriedly, Silence falls over the group as Sunstreaker's question sinks in, optics widening in collective horror. they all know exactly the kind of classified, compromising or just plain embarrassing things lurking on Cybertronian networks.
Hound is the first to break the quiet. "Primus, can you imagine if the humans found some of the stuff posted on ProwlFanForums? Or some of the theories on WireTap, Commlink?"
Blaster groans, faceplates pale. "My holovids from Vos Carnival are still online! If they find those videos Primus..." He wasn't expecting this but if one of the humans found it, one of the crew they would know he had shown them a few photos of his cassettes and it wouldn't be hard to put too and too together.
Rewind sits back watching the chaos in amusement. “It be a shame if they saw how many of you are interface Feral scrapers” he teases which makes even more bots panic.
“Frag, frag, frag, I need to delete my profiles, I never existed!”
“Oh Primus, of any of the thirteen listening, please erase myself”
“No, no, they can't know about those sites can that, they wouldn't think to look that far!”
Rodimus hurriedly waves his servos. "Alright everyone stay calm! We'll get Brainstorm on containment ASAP. In the meantime everybody delete and scrub everything questionable from your personal archives. I mean it!"
A flurry of typing ensues as bots scramble to protect their digital dignity. Only Megatron seems unfazed, a corner of his mouth quirked in dark amusement. "Humans have proven resourceful. I suspect they've seen far worse than what little dirt we may have to offer..."
Rodimus shoots Megatron a glare. "Thanks, that's really reassuring Megsy." The chaos continues as a new threat looms for the Cybertronian populace - human seeing their thoughts, questions and information.
Megatron turns an optic on the fretting collection of Mech's, interest piqued. "So tell me, precisely what sorts of... delicate matters have you been discussing regarding humans?"
The bots abruptly find other places to look, fields filled with nerves and not-so-subtle guilt. Trailbreaker coughs awkwardly. "Youknowjust,casualobservationsandcuriositiesSir."
Rodimus, clearly wishing to be anywhere but here, attempts distraction. "It's not important Megs, let's just focus on containment -" But Megatron is not so easily deterred. His crimson gaze settles on Blaster, who shifts stiffly. "I do believe there was mention of a particularly risqué forum... One addressing compatibility between our species, was it not?"
Blaster tries to look anywhere but Megatron, clearly feeling uncomfortable under the ex warlords stare. “It was merely an... academic discussion of theoretical interspecies relations." Suddenly Whirl howls with laughter. "Oh Primus you should see the threads about 'interface ports vs human orifices'! They go on for orns!" It makes all the bots helms snap to the helimech. “SHUT UP WHIRL!” A collective yell comes from the panicked Mech's.
A collective groan arises as Megatron rolls his optics, he had been expecting something else but this seemed quite tame compared to what he was expecting. After all, he had seen what floats around on the human internet and had the unfortunate experience of coming across a lot of stuff. In the end the human Ambassador had been rather embarrassed and apologetic over it.
Megatron can't help but let out an amused huff of ventilation at the collective embarrassment of the Autobots. Clearly they had yet to witness the depths humanity plunged into given anonymity and technology. "Trust me when I say your little... theoretical discussions would barely cause a ripple among humans. I have borne witness to the unfiltered fleshling internet, and what I glimpsed there was far more depraved." He recalls with bemusement the memory file of Ambassador mortified face.
Skids eyes him curiously. "Really? What kind of thing could be worse than interfacing forums?" He grumbles dragging his servos down his faceplate. "Let's just say their proclivities extend far beyond our frames. Entire databases dedicated to the debasement and degradation of simulated strangers. Acts I'd not care to repeat lest they scorch even my memory banks."
The collection of Autobots, Decepticons and neutrals recoil in mingled horror and fascination. Whirl cackles gleefully. "And to think we thought WE were deviants! Humans have us beat tenfold!"
Rodimus shudders violently. "Okay deleting that file dump NOW before it ends up in human hands."
Megatron turns to Swerve. "I would recommend actually looking up the song before trying to perform, it isn't what you believe, and under no circumstances is anyone allowed to play the song Cbat. I refuse to be responsible for what happens by cybertronian stupidity" he explains Megatron pins Swerve with a stern glare, ensuring his message has been received. The tiny bot nods frantically, clearly intimidated. Satisfied, Megatron turns on a heel striding from the bar, Autobots parting hastily to avoid collision with the imposing warlord.
No sooner does he exit than there are shouts and whoops of laughter from within. Whirl's distinct cackle rises over the din, triumphant and slightly manic. "Oh sweet Primus, humans are WAY more glitchy than I even dared dream! Swerve, you've gotta see this slag, they call it the 'CBAT Incident'!".
“Frag Whirl dont you ever listen to what anyone says!” Nautica huffs as she tries to make herself seem not intrigue in hearing about the story.
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“ Hey Millian come take a look at this” Nadia coos tho her friend. The Swed turns and makes their way over to have a look at what Nadia was looking through. “Is, is that a Cybertronian human fucker poll!?” They state in shock only to start wheezing in amusement.
“Oh you know it Sweetheart, but wait it gets better, seems the bots didn't check to make sure their personal files didn't transfer when we did the Interstellar holo/internet upgrade and by Allah is it juicy” she hums to Millian who quickly sits down eyes glued To the screen.
“Does anyone else know about this yet?” Millian asked in delight. “Not to my knowledge, I've been enjoying myself making a little QNA blog for bots to ask questions about humans, and boy has it been fun giving miss information to them.” She flashes Millian a smile while in turn laughs.
“Oh I'm so down for this, lets see what we can find, Nadia you have just gifted me the best presents ever, I'm about to have a field day reading through these” they press a quick kiss to the side of her face before quickly typing away looking throight the multitude of different groups and forum's they can find.
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