too circus

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                    You don’t know why you ever thought that it would work out with someone like him. The fact that you didn’t even know his real name until the two of you filed to request a marriage license together should have been the final sign to run, but instead you liked knowing that you knew something about him that no one else did.

                   You called him by his legal name for the first time on your wedding day- and he stared at you as though you had lost your damned mind. But every time after he would look at you as though he had just fallen in love with you for the first time all over again.

                                                    Part One

                  You’re attending law school and he was the shithead that worked at the coffee shop around the corner. He misspells your name every day and you will always stop to correct him. At some point you begin to suspect that he’s doing it on purpose as a means of getting you to talk to him before you leave.

                 Your first date is at the Shedd aquarium in Chicago. A man proposes to his girlfriend in the Beluga tank with the adorable assistance of one of the whales. You’re inclined to think it’s cheesy and contrived but his enthusiasm is contagious. You can’t tell if he actually knows the penguins by name or if he’s just making them up as he goes. He kisses you in front of a tank full of jellyfish and you can’t help but wonder what the hell you’re thinking.

               You’re in love- and he’s nothing like the person that you thought you wanted. He is everything that you’re not. Impulsive. Outgoing. Generous to the point of what you feel is being careless with his heart. Your friends are in shock. His friends are in shock. You’re both too busy dreaming of a life together to care. 

              You often stay up late at night together talking about your pasts and your hopes for the future. You love that he openly tells you so much about himself, even the things that he can’t take any pride in. You love that he tells you he’s never told anyone about these things before. You tell him that he should be proud. Proud of who he is today. Proud that he left all of that behind him. Your faith in him breaks his heart because he thinks the world of you. You’re everything that he’s not.

                                                     Part Two

            Marriage is great but sometimes you feel a disconnect between the two of you. He becomes uncharacteristically withdrawn at times and you fear that he’s bored or unhappy- and that this might draw him backwards into old habits. You both agree that you crave a fresh start, making the decision to move away from the city. 

             You find a job with a small law firm in a sleepy town called Muddy Waters. You buy a house together and adopt a dog named Wrigley. He’s convinced that the dog is named that because of the way its whole body swings when it wags its tail but you’re sure that it’s probably named after Wrigley Field in Chicago. You’re in love with the thought that the two of you have nothing worse to argue about. You start thinking about what it would be like to start a family together. 

             You’re supportive when he gets a job as an apprentice at a local tattoo and piercing shop. He’s talented. You think he’ll be happy there even if you secretly question what kind of legitimate future there is in a job like that. Both of you are talking about kids now but the timing isn’t right. Still, it makes you ridiculously happy to know that you’re on the same page for the future.

                                                    Part Three

           You come home from work and he’s in the back yard. He is beside himself. Wrigley was hit by a car on the road earlier that afternoon. You’re upset and angry. You struggle not to blame him for the dog’s death. How many times did you insist that he keep Wrigley on the leash? You help to bury your pet and go to bed early but you won’t be able to sleep. You both want to comfort the other but a wedge of guilt and resentment lies between you.

          You start working longer hours at the office. It’s largely irrelevant to your relationship because he works second shift anyway. You only see much of each other on Sundays, the one day that you both have off from work. You can tell that he’s lonely. You’re lonely too.

        You’re at work and you get a call from your next door neighbor. They tell you that the cops were at your door earlier. You call his phone but there’s no answer. You find out later that he was arrested at his work earlier in the afternoon and you weren’t the person that he called for help. 

        You rush to the precinct’s office to help sort things out. The detectives don’t have enough evidence and the charges are dropped against him but you know that he’s guilty. You know because of the way that he allows the silence to settle between you on the car ride home. He hates silence. He says it always makes him feel like something is wrong. And maybe that was true for him. Something was definitely wrong. 

        You tell him that you can’t live like this. That you won’t. You tell him that you want a future. That you want someone stable. That you need someone you can rely on. All he hears is that you want someone who isn’t him. 

        You offer to leave but he insists on being the one to go. He doesn’t leave town, though. In fact, he doesn’t ever seem to get very far before he’s back on your doorstep. He never asks for a second chance. He just tells you that he’s sorry. His heart is broken. You know because you recognize the look on his face. You recognize it because it mirrors the things that you don’t know how to put into words. You can normally talk your way out of anything but the moment that he shows up you don’t know what to say anymore, torn between begging him to stay or closing the door in his face.