#howlsincorrectsides

Deceit: Deez nuts.

Remus: Deez nuts.

Deceit: Deez--

Virgil: Y'all better shut the fuck up about deez nuts what you really need is JEE-ZUS.

---

Remus: You've ever played that really fun game where when your sibling has a sunburn you take a spoon, put it in the freezer, take it out, then smack your sibling with it so their skin comes off?

Virgil: (shaky inhale)....what the fuck?

---

Remus: Hey boy what dat mouth do?

Deceit: Breathe.

Remus:....

Deceit:...

Remus: breathonthisDICK--

---

Roman: Dad there's a monster under my bed!

Patton, bending down to look under Roman's bed: Don't be silly there's no such thing as--

Remus, under Roman's bed: LONG DICK STYLE.

Remus: You and I.

Deceit, tearing up: Alright.

----

Remus: Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.'

---

(In an argument)

Deceit: Fuck you.

Remus: Later. Now listen you little shit--

---

Virgil: [puts his hand on Remus' shoulder] You'll be alright, Rem--

Remus: Touch me again and I'll murder your entire fucking family.

Virgil: O.O (takes his hand off Remus' shoulder) alright...

---

Logan: Time to play: Who Stole the Drugs?

Roman: Was it me?

Patton: Was it me?

Virgil, pointing: It was him.

Remus: FUCKING. Pink. fairies. EVERYWHERE!

---

Remus: I have decided that I am, indeed, a snacc. Just no one's hungry.

Deceit, mumbling: I'm starving..

----

Remus: I can't believe you said that! How am I supposed to feel about this?!

Virgil: I don't know! You asked for my honest opinion and I gave it to you!

Remus: You didn't have to be so mean about it!

Deceit: woah, woah, woah. What's going on?

Remus: He called my snake and octopus pajamas ugly!

Deceit:...

Deceit, to Virgil: wtf man?

---

Remus: ugh...I hardly slept last night.

Roman: They say when you can't sleep, it means someone is thinking about you.

Remus: Who the Hell would be thinking about me at 3 AM?

Deceit: *gay panic*

---

Remus: (making finger guns at Virgil) Hey there, Virge!

Virgil: Pull the trigger you coward.

Remus:

Virgil:

Remus:.. You want a hug?

----

Roman, with his sword in hand: Well, I'm off to do something stupid.

Remus, with a shovel and a body bag: Hold up. Not without me.

----

Remus: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Roman: I almost died.

Remus: Ah, yes. That was my fondest memory.

----

Logan: Rules are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Deceit: uh, piñatas.

Remus: Glow sticks.

Deceit: Karate boards.

Remus: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Logan: Ah, yes. I saw it and I thought of you.

Patton: Our baby is flying!

Logan: Yes, yes, only the best for you.

-----

Deceit: Can someone stamp my frequent kidnapping card?

Remus, laughing: You of all people know we discontinued that promotion!

---

Remus: (banging on Deceit's bedroom door)

Deceit: Not now Remus, I'm in a heated existential discussion with this dead-eyed plastic desk toy. (Harshly pokes the toy that looks vaguely like Patton) I'm right.

---

Deceit @ Virgil: Without you, evil is running rampant through the streets!

Remus: I'm so tired of running rampant through the streets.

----

Roman: (threatens Remus with his sword)

Remus: Oh, I'm shaking in my custom baby seal leather boots!

---

Roman: Doctor, I'm depressed.

Logan: Go see Remus the famous clown. He sucks shit and he knows it, he's so fucking bad at everything it makes me roar with laughter. He weeps on stage because he knows he's nothing.

Roman: But Doctor--!

Logan: I know who you are.

---

Remus, texting Virgil for the 1st time since Virgil left: Sorry I haven't been texting you as much. Got my dick stuck in a toaster.

---

Remus, randomly texting Roman at 4: 20 AM after not talking to him for 2 months: yo roman dunk your bald ass head in a tub of icy hot plz. 👌

---

Deceit @ Patton: Who the fuck you calling citizen? I used to be the most powerful Side here!

Logan: Key word: used to.

---

Roman, in his head: Crap, he's so fast! He must be lazer focused in. The only thing on Remus' mind is this race!

Deceit:..When I was younger I was forced to eat dog food for dinner. I never had--

Virgil: Open the fucking door.

----

Deceit: You ever want to talk about your emotions, Virgil?

Virgil: No.

Remus: I do!

Deceit: I know, Remus.

Remus: I'm sad.

Deceit: I know, Remus.

---

Virgil: All I ever do is hurt the people I care about. Thomas, Logan, Roman, Patton..

Deceit, gesturing to himself and Remus: What about us?

Virgil: All the people I care about, Dee!

---

Remus at Thomas: His outfit? WACK.

Remus: His sword? WACK.

Remus: His creativity? WACK.

Remus: The way he doesn't even like to grow a mustache? WACK.

Remus: Me? I'm tight as F U C K.

----

Remus: Well, I always knew Roman was useless. At least now, it's scientifically proven. 9 out of 10 doctors recommend you stop being a little bitch.

---

Logan: Okay, class, look at these trees--

Remus: Pussy.

Logan:

Logan: REMUS. SHUT THE HELL UP.

Remus: PUSSY.

Logan: I'M NOT PLAYING THESE GAMES--!

----

Virgil: What are we having for dinner?

Deceit: Steak, corn and a side of--

Remus: PUS--

Deceit: NO.

Remus:

Deceit:

Remus:

Deceit:...and a side of--

Remus: PUSSY.

---

Virgil: Dad?

Deceit: Yes, sweetheart?

Virgil: Where do babies come from?

Deceit: Oh. Well..you see--

Remus: Dat pussy.

Deceit: GODAMNIT REMUS--

----

(Remus as a kid)

Remus: Daddy, don't go.

Patton: I have to!

Remus: You don't.

Patton: I do.

(Remus now)

Patton: I--

Remus: PISS OFF DAD.

----

Remus: I'M A STEAMING CAULDRON OF SEXUAL NEEDS AND DESIRES RIGHT NOW.

---

Deceit: Roses are red,

Violets are blue..

Why'd you leave me Virgil?

What did I do??

---

Deceit: Even the babies were the most dangerous of all so I made this cage to keep them secure and (notices baby Virgil crawling towards Patton) Oh my God..

---

Deceit, on the phone: Hey, I need your help. Can you come over?

Remus: Nah, I'm buying clothes..but I can't find them. There's only soup.

Deceit, washing a bloody knife: What do you mean there's only soup?

Remus: I mean there's only soup.

Deceit, dumping Virgil's hoodie into a shredder: Then go into the next aisle!

Remus: Okay, you don't have to shout at me! (Walks into the next aisle) There's more soup.

Deceit, trying on Logan's tie in the mirror: Where are you right now?

Remus: I'm at Soup.

Deceit, crushing Patton's glasses: What do you mean you're at soup?!

Remus: I mean I'm at Soup!

Deceit, trying on Roman's sash: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!

Remus: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!

Deceit, stabbing Roman's sword into a wall: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!

Remus: DID YOU SEE HOW LONG HIS CHIN IS?? IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!

Remus: Oh shit nevermind he's coming back--

Roman: I never left...

Roman: *slams Remus against a wall* WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

--

Deceit: *sneezes*

Remus: bless you.

Deceit: (stares expectanlly at Virgil)

Virgil: (stares back silently)

Deceit: YOU NOT GONNA SAY BLESS YOU?!

Virgil: He already said it!

Deceit, yeeting Virgil towards the light sides: GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!

---

Remus: Deceit.

Deceit: .....

Remus: Deceit!

Deceit: ....

Remus: DEEECCEEEIIITTT!

Deceit: WHAT?!

Remus: (shocked silence)

Remus, softly but with feeling: ...Danger zone~~

----

Virgil: would you shoot your best friend in the leg for a million dollars?

Deceit, to Remus: You shoot me, and when my leg gets better, we buy a mansion, 12 Ferrari's and a private plane.

Remus: You can shoot me too and then we'd have 20 million dollars!

Deceit: Good thinking. Fuck the system.

Virgil: Why are you two like this?

---

Deceit, to Remus: I've noticed that we seem to be slowly phasing out the "B" in our bromance.

Remus, on one knee and ring still out: well I mean yeah i guess.

----

Deceit: You know, any other side but me would like to see you dead.

Remus: that's why you're my very best friend.