And yet.

It probably doesnt help that i remember what happened after he died. Everything about that time made me and still makes me sick.

Maybe he was right all along, maybe everyone was and i really am just a coward who hates everyone that buries himself under any distraction he can find but god

I just couldnt handle it

I couldnt handle seeing him withering away as fast as he did i couldnt handle him being gone

his things still smelled like him still and it was sickening it was god awful i hated it i hated being inside i hated not being inside i hated thinking about him and i still hung on to every thought

and then slowly the smell went away and the clothes got dusty and the dishes were cleaned and it was like every trace of him was slowly leaving and it was somehow so much worse

I couldnt take it.

Does that make me a coward? A hypocrite? Both? Probably. I always knew i was at least one of those.

I guess i felt like i had nothing left after it. I was told i did but it just didnt actually feel like something. I mean, i threw away everything for him what was i expecting would happen after he was gone? What am i an idiot? He would say im an idiot i did the exact opposite of what he told me to do. But that was normal wasnt it? Just house being house.

If wilson found out i killed myself he would be so pissed. Actually i wonder if anyone ever found me. Part of me wishes i was part of me wishes wasnt. Did anyone try to resuscitate me? Were they too late? Did they just give up? Were they just too late? Hell if i know. I was already dead. I dont even know if anyone was ever there. Why would they be there anyway? Its not like i ever gave them a reason to check in, you know, unlikeability and all.

Oh well. Wilson if see this, no you didnt.

Well, you probably won't either way. A Wilson might but the chances of it being the one from my timeline are not exactly grand.

— Dr. House #🗣️🔥‼️

I miss Wilson and Cuddy

I miss them so much every day

I miss Cameron and Foreman and Chase too but you know

I miss Wilson so so much. And Cuddy so much.

Why oh why did the world separate us, is it stupid? Or did god know we were to powerful together and would take over the world?

Either way none of them will know this so

I may have been a bitch but i loved you in my own little horrible horrible way

— Dr. House #🗣️🔥‼️

Oh! Also, dystonia, when I have those tics it gets worse because I know they will fight with me about smth I have NO DAMN CONTROL, like, yeah, those punches on my chest? It hurts me too, closing my fists like a rock, falling on the ground because of legs tics, making noises and talking things, don't need to fight me or say “stop”. It won't help, won't help SHIT, it will GET W-O-R-S-E. And don't let's even start about the religious conversation. And they always treat the others with disabilities better because for some reason, they can't stand having a disabled teen? How rude.

Just like before, they didn't believed I had a disability and now, AGAIN, they don't believe that I have a disability. It sucks because the places that should embrace me hurts me more, but oh well, family love is amazing.

— Gregory House #🦯🩺

Being miserable doesn't makes me cool or anything like that, just makes me more miserable

I actually miss you.

— Gregory House #🦯🩺

To the suprise, I was bisexual. I tended to prefer women but, ah, there was an exception. Though I think there were some internalized anxieties about it, haha.

- J. Wilson

(From House :) )