Grieving through motherhood
So this morning I woke up in a great mood, I had enough sleep and unlike yesterday I didn’t wake up with Willow’s feet on my face (that’s her name by the way, my child) and so I decided to sing hotline bling to my daughter to wake her up, nothing like Drake in the morning am I right? But not all mornings are this pleasant, not all mornings does my daughter get to hear me sing hotline bling. Only a couple of nights ago I had woke up crying, too early to wake Willow up. I had woken up crying because I had had a dream about my dog, whom had passed away earlier this year. I woke up covered in my own tears, sobbing, missing him and grieving. I thought the process of grief was over, but like all things it takes time. And I should know, this wasn’t my first time going through grief.
It’s not my first time going through grief as a mother either, that was when Willow was five weeks old and I found out about my (now ex) husbands affair. I spent four days crying in a ball unable to parent. I had shoved Willow off to my mother for four days unable to look at her, I mean she shared his DNA. I was horrified. But grieving as an individual and grieving as a mother are two different things, and that’s what I’m trying to get at. Those four days, as a new mum I grieved as an individual not as a mother and finally something switched, maybe it was the way she looked at me, maybe I was tired of crying or maybe I just realised that I had to act differently, that I was in charge of another human being, she wasn’t my mothers baby, she was mine.
Grieving as a mother, for me anyway, I’m not writing some sort of handbook, this is just my honest personal experience means crying at night, in the shower and maybe through a movie but not all the time in front of my baby. It meant showing her love and not letting her feel my grief. It meant dressing up and taking her out, letting people visit her, it meant nurturing her even though I felt like a broken robot on the inside. It meant dreaming, forcing myself to provide for her and our future.
So how did I get over it? Well firstly I gave myself time, and my ex was a total ass so that helped too. Secondly, funnily enough I watched Gilmore Girls, a friend recommended it to me and it helped me get out of a funk, it gave me an aspiration, to be just as cool as Lorelei Gilmore, but hopefully a little more mature and thirdly I saw a psychologist and took anti depressants, for around nine months. People might think it is a taboo to mention but they can go screw themselves. It gave me an outlet, someone to talk to who wasn’t involved in my drama and also calmed me down. Eventually it all passes, the grieve of my marriage breaking up has passed me by. The grief of losing my beloved pet is still with me, but this time I know how to handle myself, this time I didn’t go four days without Willow but held her close and remembered how much I love her, how getting through this is essential for her, but anyway this is getting way too sad, I’ll try writing about something a little lighter next time. Maybe I should listen to some Drake again.
