The "Good" Mum

Yesterday (the 8th of March) was International Women’s Day. How does that relate to parenting and my parenting blog you ask? Well it all goes hand in hand. Women’s issues are human issues, mothers issues and even children’s issues. There are so many issue’s that are parenting related and women related, such as breastfeeding in public (yes it’s normal, get over it!) but the issues I want to focus on have more to do with how we’re raising our children and gender norms. 

With Willow, my daughter personally I think a lot of gender norms are thrown out the window, I don’t mind what she likes or dislikes, pink, blue, shorts, dresses, dolls, ballet, trucks robots etc etc. Whatever she likes, as long as it’s legal, I’m behind her. I definitely don’t think she needs to follow any sort of gender norms. I don’t think she has to like “girly” things  because she’s a girl and when she starts having her opinions about her dressing I’m not going to be upset if she says “mum, no more dresses please!” Women are marching for equal rights, not more rights, not to be superior and superhuman but just to be equal. And I personally think this starts at a young age, that whatever choices little boys have, girls should have too. They should be able to play the same way boys do. 

The second issue I have about how people treat little girls is, that they treat girls as if they are the most fragile creatures on earth. They treat them as if they are weak but with boys they have to be tough, even from young. I think we need to teach our girls that strong and brave is just as good or even better than being pretty. If all you do is call your child pretty from a young age then you are telling her that her worth is only based on her looks. Now I’m not saying don’t call her pretty, that’s fine I call Willow pretty too but I think there’s so much more to being a girl than just being a pretty face. I always tell Willow she’s brave when she conquers a fear or tries something new. Tell your girl she’s smart, that she’s strong, that she is intelligent. It’s not all about pretty.  And I don’t have a son but if I did it wouldn’t be all about being tough but also about being compassionate and kind. 

Thirdly with my daughter I want her to know that she doesn’t need a man to make her happy or that she is weak and a man needs to save her. I am a single mum, my ex is a train wreck and definitely not a positive influence in her life. If the men in her life do not treat her as an equal, as someone to be respected then they can go. The other day my ex called and on the phone I said “She is going to be a strong women” and he said “she is going to be a beast, not a women,” he then went on to tell me that women are weak and that she can’t be a strong women, he specifically told me that he was indeed sexist and that he didn’t want her to be an emotional girl calling for her mummy all the time. Yeah, that’s her father. So this is my point, if someone in your life is not supporting you, as a women, get fucking rid of them. I named my daughter Willow after Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she is a God damn powerful women. 

So I’ve noticed a new side to my daughter in the last few weeks, she now has terrible tantrums. 

The tantrums are something I have heard about for a long time, I knew they were coming. Everyone know’s about the terrible twos. I just didn’t know that they happened before your child actually turned two. They should be called the terrible toddlers, because tantrums happen when your child switches from innocent baby mode to satan’s spawn toddler mode. Once I realised the tantrums were more of a once a day rather than a once off then I realised I actually had to do something about them. I had to deal with my childs tantrums. I tried many methods. First was what people recommend you do, which is ignore them. Let me tell you for my child, this did not work! Like not at all! Don’t test how long your toddler can have a tantrum for, it’s tedious. The answer is, forever. They can go on forever and I am not a very patient person and the sound of a toddler screaming is so screechy, it’s painful. Another thing to remember is that anything can set off a tantrum, Willow once had a tantrum because half a grape fell on the floor and got dirty and so I threw it in the bin. Big mistake, she cried and cried and longed for that grape more than I ever knew she could.  She was so distressed and frankly, I’m going to be honest, I took a picture and sent it to my friends because it was legitimately ridiculous and borderline hilarious. 

My second tantrum tip is that anger on top of anger doesn’t seem to work, again at least not for me anyway. I have a quick temper and I’m a massive hot head but when your child is faced down on the ground screaming because you wouldn’t let them eat toothpaste  being angry at them doesn’t help. Yelling, shouting at them to stop doesn’t help they just get more upset and sometimes even frightened and I don’t want to punish my child for being upset, imagine the emotional damage that would cause? But just because I try not to get angry doesn’t mean I give in and give them what they want either, I’m not a softie and I don’t want to teach my daughter that shouting and screaming will give her what she wants. When I say no more watching ‘five little monkey’s’ on Youtube I mean it. 

I also try not to cuddle her, she doesn’t want it and she doesn’t want her dummy. Both of these subdue her and she wants to be heard. I’m a lion hear me roar. That’s her mood. So what they hell do you do? I hear you ask, well this is my method and it works pretty well with my daughter. Even worked the other day in the city when Willow melted down on a public footpath and face planted the ground screaming and crying, all because I said that it was crowded and so she had to hold my hand when we were walking so I wouldn’t loose her. So what I do is that I crouch/sit beside her and talk to her. That’s it. I talk to her in a calm soothing tone and sit with her till she calms down. I say things like “calm down and tell me what you want, what do you need?” I ask her want she wants and tell her to breathe and calm down and for some reason it works. 

So this week, I took the plunge and went back to work. I got a job last year and last week I finally started. It’s only part time job but it is something. I am going to work. To be honest a part of me is really content with being a stay at home mum, I like the life, but there are two reasons I went back to work. One, my daughters father does not pay one cent in child support, not one and so to avoid struggling with my finances I like many others, must work, this is the main reason. And two, we live in a world that is obsessed with everyone having a career, people are so proud of me now that I work, they think I am moving forward or something. Personally I am doing it to have more to do not because I am really career driven. I am not that kind of person and I think that’s ok. 

Anyway moving along, me going back to work means that my daughter will be looked after by different people. My dad, her grandfather will take one day, close family friends will take another and she will go to child care for one day. 

The child care process is a long process, child cares in this country have long ass waiting lists so I started looking into them as soon as I started looking for work, I didn’t even have a job yet but I needed a child care ready to go. Once you have a child care then you need to have several orientation days so that your child gets use to the centre before their first day. Willow’s first day was yesterday and the whole night before I was just holding her and telling her how much I loved her and telling her to give child care a chance. You see child care is actually an extremely emotional process too. It is the first time you’re leaving your baby the whole day with people you don’t know very well. Willow has seen this coming too, in the orientation sessions she is there for one hour without me. I sit in another room as she gets use to the child care. I can hear her cry most of the time and my heart just turns inside out. How can I do this to the little human I love most?  Is it even worth it? The answer is yes, I have to do this to save money to eventually buy a house of my own, and in the long run she will learn to love it, it has a playground and lots of toys and she will make so many friends. I keep telling myself this. 

There is a week in between her actual start date and orientation and in between she had to be babysat three time as I had officially started work and each time I heard from my friends and family that she had cried quite a lot and she was upset when she couldn’t find me. In one way I tell myself that this is ok, at least she always will look for mummy, that’s assuring but on the other hand I feel so bad that I have to leave her. Willow and I are quite a tight unit, being a single parent I am solely the person she learns on. We do almost everything together and with co sleeping she doesn’t even have that separation at night.  But that’s how we work and how she likes it, I am happy to be her world as she is mine. 

By time it is child care day I get her ready and hold her tight and laugh with her, I tell her how much I love her and how I’ll be back to see  her in the evening. My mother is the one who actually drops her off and picks her up as my shifts start early and finish late. I hold in my tears as I go to work telling myself working is going to create a better future for us. I called twice during the day, the first time they told me she cried a lot and was struggling, my heart dropped and I just prayed the day got better. The second call had better news, she had a two hour nap with the other kids and was now eating her afternoon tea, she hadn’t had much during the day but finally was settling in. When I finished work I rushed home and saw her in the driveway with my mother and when she saw me she squealed “MUMMY’S HERE!” in her high pitched girly excited voice and she reached out for me and put her little arms around my neck, as I picked her up and held her, and kissed her face.  My insides were singing, day one of childcare was done and she was ok, we missed each other but it was ok. 

So a while back I asked one of my friends (also Willow’s Godmother) if she wanted to accompany me on a road trip to Phillip Island (a popular holiday destination a couple hours  away from Melbourne) and she said yes, we discussed it with a couple other girls one night over dinner and it was decided that we should invite our whole group of friends. The group loved the idea and it turned into a weekend away with eleven people. Ten adults and my daughter. So last weekend we set off to Phillip Island.

Travelling with nine other adult twenty-somethings seams like a crazy idea, I was certainly worried if they would understand what travelling with a toddler is like and that above all else Willow was my first priority. Let’s be honest it wasn’t all smooth sailing but overall it was worth it and call me crazy but i’d probably go travelling with my friends again. 

So I’m going to type about my biggest challenge of the trip and the best part. I think it’s only fair to show both sides of the story. The biggest challenge of going on a road trip with your toddler and your nine twenty-something year old friends, all who do not have children, is sleep time. The walls in the house we stayed in for the weekend seemed to be paper thin and nap time and sleep time proved to be a challenge. Willow in general is  not the best sleeper, she sleeps well and doesn’t wake much during the night but getting her to sleep is a process, a process that often involves me pretending to sleep next to her so she can fall asleep. Naps weren’t that bad, if my friends were getting too loud I just messaged someone to let them know to tell the group to quiet down and they did. Someone in my group always said “shush guys theres a baby sleeping” and the room quietened. Night time however was a bigger challenge. At home night time is easier because Willow is so tired from the day that she mostly just conks out. However with all the fun and excitement of the day Willow took longer to settle, she rolled around in bed (a new bed, that she wasn’t use to) and didn’t settle easily. That accompanied by the noise of my friends whether they were partying or playing cards made it hard for her to sleep. Even at their quietest nine adults is a lot of voices and movement. Most toddlers would probably have had a meltdown but Willow managed to sleep through it. I think all the travelling she’s done in the past might’ve helped. It did take a lot of time to settle though, she usual takes fifteen minutes and she took an hour, which made me a bit nervous as I wanted her to be rested for the next day. 

That was the biggest challenge, sometimes in my group it is hard being the only one with a baby, my friends will never understand some of the struggles I go through as a mother, as much as they try they won’t get it until they have a kid. However this also comes to my advantage and because I am the only one with a child all of them were all over my baby in a cool aunty/uncle way. All their pent up cluckiness goes towards my child, they shower her with love and attention. My friend’s were really good with my child, they entertained her, talked to her and looked after her when I need a break. They didn’t judge my parenting and supported all the decisions I made. At one point two of my friends took Willow to splash around at the beach, I was too tired and wanted to sit on the sand and they just helped me out. Another friend took Willow on the playground, she laughed with her, helped her and just walked around after her patiently. It was all the little gestures that made it easy. One of my friends just held my baby bag while we were walking around, giving my back a rest, others took the stroller, some gave her food and some entertained her so I could eat my food. That’s the thing with a group of nine adults, someone is always free to dote on your daughter. Someone would check on her to see if she was still napping or check on her while I had a shower. It was all the little things that counted. To be honest I don’t think my friends minded travelling with a toddler, as I mentioned previously I was worried whether they would get it or not but we’re a pretty tight group and they were all very supportive of me and my daughter.  We are all in this phase of our lives where spending time together is important and that now includes Willow. 

So I’m going to do the cliche beginning of the year New Year blog. A blog about my resolutions as a parent for 2018 and what I want to accomplish with my child this year. 

1. By the end of this year I want Willow to be toilet trained. I have already started the long process by getting a little toddler toilet seat and getting her to sit on it so she knows that’s where we wee. However when she sits on it she says “all done” and hops off. So I know the journey is going to take a while. Like most other milestones with Willow, getting out of the swaddle, eating solid food and stopping formula I am going to take this slow and steady.  Willow reacts better if I do things slowly. Most toddlers (so I’ve heard) are over active and have huge personalities, Willow although has her own distinct personality is quite calm for a toddler, yeah she has tantrums over the littlest things, not being able to eat tooth paste for instance, but overall she is quite the go-with-the-flow toddler. I just hope she toddles on and goes with the toilet training. 

2. My second resolution is going to be harder than toilet training (although I’ve heard that’s a tough one to beat). It is getting rid of the dummy. I won’t even try and attempt this until after she’s toilet trained, only one milestone at a time thanks and I won’t attempt this till she is talking in full sentences and I can communicate with her properly and vice versa. Willow loves her dummy, she sleeps wonderfully the whole night because of it and is silent and passive in car rides if she has it. She doesn’t need anything else just the dummy. She knows where they are kept and walks over going “dummy, dummy, my dummy,” as she tries to reach for them. Half the pictures I have of her are with her dummy in her mouth and I have a theory that if she had to choose me or the dummy I would loose. It’s her favourite thing in the world and I have no idea how life is going to go without it, I’m sure I’ll blog about it though. 

3. My third and final resolution is a little less practical and more emotional.  I need to stop giving a shit about what anyone thinks about me or my parenting style. My child is happy, healthy and given her age, quite well behaved in my eyes. When you become a parent a lot of people give you advice, even if it’s not asked for and everyone has their opinion on how you parent. I personally feel that if I trust my gut and I believe in my parenting decisions then who cares what anyone else thinks. I hardly discipline Willow, she doesn’t do too much that I think warrants discipline, yes she does inconvenient things, like throw her food when she doesn’t like it and use her crayons to draw on the floor but I just teach her not to do those things, tell her, talk to her calmly, show her how to clean up and then move on. Maybe I’m soft, other parents will definitely take different measures, yell or set up some sort of punishment but these things don’t bother me so much, as long as she’s not hurting herself or anyone else. My mother told me that she thinks Willow is so calm because we have created a calm environment around her, we hardly yell or get frantic over little things so maybe she doesn’t see it. To be honest, I have no idea, if that is why then maybe I just continue being chill about everything. I can’t imagine myself getting worked up coz there’s playdoh on the ground, it’s just not me, it seems like such a little problem. Some people say you must discipline them from young but if they haven’t done anything that you see as wrong then what’s the need? So I just have to block out everyone else’s voice and opinions and trust myself. Who cares what others think right? As long as you and your child are happy. 

So Christmas is over and the year has gone by, as well as all my relatives who came from overseas. With the new year lingering and only a few days ahead I thought to type some of the lessons I have learnt this year, as a mother. My top three bits of advice, wisdom, shit that spills out of my mouth kind of stuff. So here is what I’ve learnt in 2017 as a parent. 

1. It is ok to parent your way, with family here last week for Christmas I learnt that my parenting style is probably different from theirs. I am quite the gentle parent and hardly tell Willow off for anything, it’s not that I don’t care or am lazy, no. It’s that I don’t see what she is doing as a punishable offence. My personal theory with Willow is that unless she is hurting others or herself than it’s not really a bad thing, (this isn’t just physically but emotionally too). The other day Willow was pulling out grass from the courtyard and giving it to people, everyone had their voice in telling me to tell her to stop, but I didn’t. Not because I didn’t hear them or couldn’t tell her but because pulling grass isn’t that bad, she’s a kid, playing outside, despite being in a world with screens and smartphones with youtube my child was outside playing with grass and I didn’t see that as a bad thing. If she was eating and choking on the grass that’s different. At one point she was throwing pebbles, which again was fine but only when she threw them above her head did I stop her as she might have hurt herself. Honestly I should’ve of let her keep going until she hit herself in the head with the pebble, then at least I could tell her why she shouldn’t do it and she would have seen for herself. Through this outside experience I realised that it was ok to do things my way, just like other parents would do things their way this was mine and it was ok, I was proud to be a gentle parent and so far I have a pretty wonderful kid so I guess I’m not doing too badly. 

2. My second lesson is that as a parent it is ok to make the executive decision about who  (and how much time) my child can spend time with. Even if it means cutting out time with otherwise essential family members and even the other parent. Willow’s father is not the best human being in the world, he does not support Willow in any way possible and leads quite the self destructive lifestyle, including being in involved in drugs. From what I have heard drugs isn’t the end of it and if he wasn’t her father he would not be in my life at all. Initially when we broke up I tried to keep him in Willow’s life as much as possible, going out of my way to make sure he had a connection with her. But now things are different, I realise that when he’s around her, he doesn’t stay very long, spends most of the time on his phone and argues with my about his problems. He doesn’t put Willow as a priority and abruptly waltzes in and out of our lives. So I have made my decision, I want him in our lives as little as possible, I control how long and how much time he gets to spend with Willow and I think that’s fair. As long as he’s on drugs and living a self destructive lifestyle then I need to protect my daughter and I do not think it is safe or productive to be around him. 

3. My third and final lesson is that I have learnt that I want Willow to have a lot of choice over her own life. People ask me a lot of questions like, “when will you allow her to have her ears pierced?” “What sports or instruments will you make her play?” “Do you want her to be interested in Disney/Barbie/Superheroes/Wiggles etc etc?” And my answer is pretty much to all of these, it’s her choice. I will get Willow’s ear, nose, belly, all pierced when she asks for it. If she doesn’t ask then that’s fine, at one point if she hasn’t done it by high school I might ask if she wants her ears pierced but if she says no then that’s ok, moving on, no pressure, you do you kid. The only activity I will insist upon is swimming, as we live in Australia and I think water safety is important. Too many people in this country drown and so until she is a confident swimmer I will send her to lessons, currently she loves her swimming lessons so I don’t think she will have a problem with that. Everything else I won’t force her, whatever sport/instrument/ other interest she has is hers and I will just nurture it. It’s her life not mine, I’m not going to be one of those parents who live through their kids, pursuing their own dreams instead of their kids. As for interests at the moment Willow likes Minnie and Mickey mouse, playing with balls, Playdoh, Birds, Playing with her doll house, Peppa Pig and Books. Most of these she picked up on her own and she will continue to make her own choices about what she likes, kids go their own way, you can’t force them to be a certain way, if I’ve learnt anything it’s that, kids will be kids and theres nothing you cant do about it. 

When it comes to feeding your child sugar there are a lot of mothers out there that will hate on you if you do it. And in general any good parent tries to feed their child a healthy well balanced diet. Or that’s what we say, my toddler is quite fussy and so healthy and well balanced sometimes translates to boiled peas for dinner (which she loves) and plain crackers as a snack. 

In general I am not the biggest sweet tooth, unless i’m going trough PMS I generally don’t go near sugar, I am not a chocolate, cake or biscuit person. I prefer cheese. Thats my vice. However with Summer here I enjoy ice-cream and icey poles to cool down. They are the only sugary thing I really love.  This then poses the dilemma of whether I feed my toddler ice-cream too. I always told myself that as long as my daughter didn’t ask for sugary treats then I wouldn’t give them to her, I feel no need to introduce it to her. But if she asked for it then I would let her have some. I can’t go around eating ice cream and then give her an apple as a snack. I find that unfair, I mean I’m not really leading her by example if I have ice-cream am I? But I don’t think a lot of parents feel the same. I feel when it comes to parenting I am definitely on the more relaxed side, that’s just my style, I don’t fuss over a lot of the little things and when it comes to my child having ice-cream in the summer with me I don’t feel the need to say no. I mean as long as she’s eating her main meals and not asking for it excessively when I’m not having it then why say no? I feel like saying no too often to sugary snacks can be a problem too. 

When I was starting high school I had a friend who didn’t bring any sugary snacks at all to school, her parents were quite strict and in retaliation she use to spend all her money buying lollies after school. She bought a packet of Tic Tacs daily and called them her “medication”.  She ate the entire thing before going home, as well as several other lollies. She was also  the one at sleepovers who got sick and vomited from too much sugar, mainly soft drink. It was gross and not something I felt like being apart of. I on the other hand received a small chocolate as a part of my lunch everyday that satisfied my sugar cravings. I feel like completely cutting out sugar from a child’s diet makes it that much more exciting when they see it and if parents are really strict on their child the more the child is going to want it. I don’t deny Willow, although sugary treats aren’t apart of her regular diet I do let her have ice cream when I have it, when we go out to birthdays she’s allowed to have cake and in general if we are munching on something sweet she can try it too. She doesn’t ask for it unless she sees us eating it first. 

On another note I am also trying to make homemade healthier alternatives to ice-cream. I made Kiwi sorbet last week and I called it ice-cream and Willow ate it happily. I think it’s important to show that healthy desserts are a thing too. Just because it’s not junk doesn’t mean it can’t be tasty and fun. My own parenting style will mean that I’ll never be the parent that says no to ice-cream when everyone is eating it or that I’ll never deny my child cake at a birthday party. I will never be completely healthy but doesn’t mean her diet is bad, in general Willow eats really well, better then me (I secretly snack a lot) but I’m not going to be the parent who is so strict with sugar only to find out that my child  going crazy buying lollies behind my back because “mummy always says no”. 

So I have declared myself an expert at travelling with kids, overseas. And by expert I mean I have kept my child alive when we went away and no one threw things at us or shushed us when she was screaming in the plane. Willow is a little traveller if I do say so myself, she has been to six  countries and she’s only 20 months old. She is not going to remember any of this but I will, and that’s what matters. Also I really took advantage of the whole “under 2′s travel free” thing. She has been to Singapore (twice), Hawaii (I know it’s a state of the USA and not a country but if I say USA people will probably assume that she’s gone road tripping all over), Spain, England, Scotland and India. And yes, those trips happened in that order. So I thought to share a couple of tips with you all. 

1. Bring a grandparent along, this is probably the weirdest tip ever but grandparents are loving and caring and in general they adore your kid even when you don’t. Most of my trips have been with my mother and a couple with my father and it helps. My mother has so much patience with Willow and in a long flight (literally every flight is long from Melbourne because we are at the bottom of the Earth) you sometimes need time to be on your own for a while, generally to eat your food or you know, pee. At this time a grandparent will seem like a knight in shining armour. You could also just bring your partner, but since I’m flying solo right now (oh flight pun) I don’t know how that would turn out.

2.  If you are travelling alone with your child because the grandparent hates you or is unavailable (I have travelled alone too) pick your flight carefully. When your single and going alone without a baby you can go on whatever cheap ass no frills airline you want. But with child I recommend you research your airline and think about what you want from them. I have nothing against no frills by the way, I have travelled on Jetstar with Willow to Singapore and it was fine, but I had an Ipad, a grandparent (my dad) and I had specifically picked times where I knew she would sleep a lot. You have to pick your flight carefully, you can’t have a short stop over, anything under an hour and a half is ludicrous, most likely you will have to either feed or change your baby once your flight lands and or you might have a toddler who wants to walk and you will be taking de tours and walking slowly. Your stopover can’t be too long either as your baby will most likely get tired and restless. Another thing is to look into airline reviews of top Airlines, what kind of foods they give to babies and how their service is. On an Emirates flight Willow received two toys and had her own meal and seat as there was spare and was comfortable the whole way, she slept, played and ate well. On another flight on British Airlines Willow was too big for the bassinet so she had a bouncer like seat which was great, I strapped her in every time I needed to eat and she slept in there too, Generally most airlines are great with babies so you should be ok. 

3. This seems obvious but break up your activities and mix it up between adult and child/baby activities. In Barcelona I wanted to see the Picasso Museum and I did but half way through Willow wanted to run around and wasn’t happy when I strapped her into the stroller. But I wanted what I wanted and I think that’s ok. It’s ok not to plan all you’re family activities around your child and see what you want to see but then after I saw my Museum I dragged my ass to the aquarium and let me child out of her cage, I mean stroller. She loved it, she saw all the fish and was running around and they had a kids area there, it was great. I don’t just do this for travelling either, but most activities, if I drag Willow to brunch with me then afterwards I take her to the playground. We have this one for one system and it works out fine. So it’s not like I’m always doing kids things or she’s always doing adult things. 

4. Another common sense one but pack snacks. I was in Barcelona and looking at a church and Willow started screaming, I immediately walked out went to the nearest shop which happened to be a bakery and bought her a croissant. After that I always packed snacks, I went to groceries stores and bought fruit and kept them in our hotel mini fridge. It was so convenient. When we went out I took one with me, and therefore I never had to worry. Kid’s get hungry, a lot. It also doesn’t help that they’re time zone is all weird and they seem to want food all the time. So pack snacks!     

5. My last tip (for now, I think travel will be a huge part of my blogs) is to choose your destination wisely. If I didn’t go to India for family reason’s I might have saved it till she was older, it was hot and stuffy and as much as a love India I was scared that Willow would get sick, either from food, heat or accidentally drinking tap water somehow. She was fine most of the time other than a case of massive nap rash but I will definitely wait awhile before going again. It was a big task to take on. Hawaii on the other hand was easy, I researched before I picked Hawaii and it kept coming up as one of the most baby friendly destinations in the world and it was! They had high chair everywhere, baby meals and there were plenty of baby friendly activities. Our hotels were baby friendly and everyone was extra nice and helpful when they saw the baby. 

Babies are probably one of the most cutest creatures on this earth. They are right up there with puppies, kittens, and also cute bats. Have you ever google searched “cute bats”? Do it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. And like all cute things on this social media obsessed earth, we like to take pictures with them. You instantly get more likes if you take a picture with a baby, I know, my Facebook profile is proof. All my pictures alone get some likes but as soon as my cute kid is in the photo suddenly everyone thinks it’s a fabulous picture.

When you have a baby people love to take a picture with them, friends, family, once I was on a plane with Willow, off to one of our many adventures and the lady next to us was randomly filming Willow everyone time she did something cute, without even asking. Now, I’m a pretty laid back parent if I do say so myself and I do not mind people taking photos of my kid but ask first, especially if I do not know you too well. If you’re not a close friend or a family member then yes you have to ask to take a photo with my kid. It’s just common courtesy. That’s my first issue. 

My second issue with photos is that people don’t seem to realize that my child is an actual human being with feelings. Sometimes she may not want to pose for your selfies and sorry mate but you’re just going to have to deal with that. Did anyone hear about that story about the dolphin that got washed up on a shore and people kept taking selfies with it disregarding the actual dolphin as an animal and then the dolphin died because it was out of the water for so long? It’s like that. If my child is squirming away, not looking at the camera, whining or even crying then no she doesn’t want a photo with you and it’s time to give up and back off. My child is not a doll, she is not there for your entertainment and she is not there so you have more likes on your Instagram photo. She has feelings and I expect people to respect them. 

If my child is happy to pose for photos and look at the camera and sit with you then I don’t have a problem with that, it’s all good, as I said I am pretty laid back but when it comes feelings I think we all need to be considerate of each other. I mean how would you feel is people kept wanting to take your photo even though you’re not in the mood. My brother is a good example of this, he has made it clear that when Willow is around him and she does something cute he doesn’t want us to take pictures of it, he doesn’t want us on him with the camera every second and I respect that. 

Today I had a good mum moment, like an actual good mum moment and not the sarcastic kind. These do happen occasionally when I feel proud of myself for achieving something as a mum. I’ve had a few major good mum moments, there was the first time I left the house as a single mother with my 6 week old baby, terrified of being a single parent. There was the first time I took Willow on a plane, her first overseas trip. Then there was our first overseas trip alone without any other family members tagging along, by this time I was rocking the single mum life and then there are  simpler moments too when you feel proud. For example when you cook something new and your child loves it. Today’s moment was a pretty simple but it made me feel really good. Today I set up Willow’s Doll House. 

So last Christmas when Willow was only a few months old a VERY good sales women in one of those wooden toys stores convinced me that I should buy Willow a doll house for Christmas, it was on sale, all the furniture and dolls were included and it was beautiful, Willow would love it. Yes, she couldn’t use it at the time as she could barely sit up on her own let alone play with a doll house and yes I had to wait till she was older before I got any use of it because if I opened it she would probably chew on it and choke on something. And Yes it was expensive but this sales women, as I said she was really good at her job and she preyed on my inner child that dreamed of owning such a marvellous house for my (self) daughter and so I bought it. Willow’s dad was shopping with me at the time (he use to join me on errands as a way to catch up with Willow and I felt better around him in a public place) and so we paid half each and decided to buy our baby a doll house. That she couldn’t use, for at least a year. 

So recently I noticed that Willow had started playing more with her soft toys and talking to them and making them talk to each other, she also had lego men (the bigger ones for babies) and she played with them too. So I thought maybe I should bring out the doll house. It was a in a flat pack box and I had to put in together myself. I consider myself quite the handy women, going through parenting alone it makes you step up and push all gender stereotypes aside. Even when I was pregnant I did a lot of the preparations for Willow alone (this should’ve been a sign that her dad wasn’t a keeper). I remember being 7 months pregnant and putting together Willow’s cupboard that I had bought from Ikea. I was going through a major nesting phase and wouldn’t stop till it was finished, however as a heavily pregnant women I accidentally let go of one of the doors of the cupboard as it was too heavy to hold and it fell and made a hole in our wall. It was not good and mum was furious as this happened at 1am. Anyhow this time was different, I am less hormonal now and you know, not pregnant. So I sat there while Willow watched Sesame Street and threw playdoh at me. I got out my nails, screw driver and hammer and put that thing together like a BOSS!  Halfway through I put Willow to bed so she could nap, set it all up and now hours later, (literally it took me hours, one piece wouldn’t sit right for ages and the instructions were bogus) and it’s done! The doll house is done, I did it! I don’t need no handy man, or husband, or man of the house I can put this shit together myself. I’m on quite a high.... 

I am currently typing this and eating two minute noodles at the same time, with Willow napping this is the best time for a secret snack. Anyway all this snacking has made me think of Willow and her diet. 

Now like a lot of people out there I am not the best cook, I can do the basics, roast veggies, pasta and other handy meals but I am not a fabulous cook. This combined with a fussy toddler does not make for easy meal times. Willow ends up throwing a lot food on the floor, or she doesn’t even touch it. She will turn her head before even giving it a sniff, how does she know it’s awful when she doesn’t even try. 

It wasn’t always like this, when Willow started solids as a 6 month old things were easy at first, squashed fruit or veggies were my jam and really easy to prepare, boil a sweet potato, squish it into a puree and feed the baby, seemed easy enough. Then slowly I introduced to her to as many foods as I could and she was super easy to feed, she sat quietly and had her meal, her favourite being chippy’s or hot chips as adults say it. Life was bliss, my baby was eating, she was round and chubby and then slowly it all changed. Toddler Willow happened and so did our battle with food. She got more selective and I got less patient. See I try and make Willow eat healthy and thank god she still loves fruit so at least she has that to balance her diet but I have a pretty good feeling that she’s not meant to eat chips as much as I feed them too her. It mostly happens when we are out and it’s her go to food. I know she won’t be hungry if she eats that and I rather her eat hot chips than whine and not eat some organic meal that I prepared for her. Don’t get me wrong, her diets not terrible, she eats home cooked meals most of the time and has a balance of fruit and veggies but I can’t help but feel a little bit lazier than other mums out there. And I know this fussy eating toddler thing is normal, my maternal health nurse told me so, but I still worry. 

Another thing I worry about is that when Willow’s semi absent father pops in to see her, he buys her love with sugary treats, something I hardly ever give Willow. Yes in this blasting Australian heat I do let her have some ice-cream but on occasion not all the time. And then in comes this man who hardly sees his daughter, does not support her in anyway possible and causes trouble non stop and he walks in with chocolates and ice cream for my daughter and obviously as she is a child she totally falls for it. She sits by her dad and they eat junk together. He buys her love, and there is going to come a stage where she decides that her papa (that’s what she calls him) is the coolest person ever because whenever he comes over he buys her sweets. I’ve seen this happen before with other parents, they don’t support their child or pay attention to them but all they do is buy things for them, thinking thats the only way to love them. It makes me sick, one because she’s only little and doesn’t need all these kinds of foods in her body and it’s not good for her and two because he is winning her over by feeding her crap. And that makes me sad. 

What I dislike about parenthood is that suddenly you’re expected to be a fearless leader to your children. Show them the path, raise them to be strong and brave. Well guess what? Sometimes I don’t feel strong or brave at all, and I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared of the dark which I can thank myself for, I shouldn’t have watched so many horror films in my teenage days. I am also scared of any kind of bug, especially spiders and I am  recently scared of Magpies, at first it was just my brother who was scared of them, but I realised he had a point, Magpies are scary. Magpies are nasty birds that like to swoop down and attack innocent people, ironically these magpies that swoop down are mothers trying to protect their young. I try and protect Willow too but I don’t swoop people. 

Due to these fears I have had some embarrassing not so brave parenting moments where I have not been a good mum. Just yesterday Willow and I were on our way to swimming lessons, I strapped her in the stroller and I was walking her to the car. As I walked minding my own business, not trying to steal any baby birds from their mothers, a vicious ass, beady eyed, monster magpie came and swooped me. And I screamed, it was 9:30am and I was screaming on the street and then I ran, I ran like three steps before I stopped and realised that I’d ran without the stroller, I left poor little Willow strapped in helplessly and just ran for it. I just left her, on the sidewalk. My god, that was a total bad mum moment, what does this say about me if I am scared and run without the baby? I didn’t even think just ran. What the hell.  The worst part is that this isn’t the first time I’ve seen something scary and ran. 

As mentioned before I live at home with my mum and brother, so one day my mum’s partner comes over in the morning to drop off some papers and then he left. I strap Willow into the high chair, get her breakfast and then notice a huge spider on the wall in the dining room. I freak out and have no idea what to do, I call my mums partner to come back and get rid of it for me (poor guy) and when he came over I looked at Willow who had happily noticed the spider and pointed at it and I said to her “You’re on your own child,” and then I went to another room while he took the spider out. I mean I just left her. To be fair in my head I thought at that time if she’s happily eating breakfast then there’s no reason to take her out. What I don’t want to do is impose my fears onto her so she has them too. 

One of my ex boyfriends a few years back hated heights and theme park rides, he literally thought he was going to die and when I asked him why he told me about how unsafe they were and how he could die, his fear was intense but once I met his parents I understood. He had hardly been on any rides but every time he mentioned it his parents were like “oh my God they are so scary, so unsafe” they would go on and on about their fear of heights and I would think no wonder he hated them and was so scared, he has been taught his whole life that they are something to be afraid of. So that’s what I didn’t want to do with Willow and bugs, I don’t want her to be afraid of the spider just because I am. There was no reason to interrupt her breakfast, my fear was irrational. 

If I had to break down parenting, percentage wise I would say that 15% is actual parenting, changing nappies, feeding, bathing, playing with them and reading books. 

20% is cleaning up after them, and picking shit up off the ground. This includes all the food they throw around at meal times, (rice is Willow’s favourite to throw),  cleaning Playdoh that’s stuck on the ground, wiping crayon off surfaces, cleaning up after them when they come back in the house from playing outside and my personal favourite is to clean up after Willow when she  spits water on the ground after she’s done having a drink.

30% is keeping them safe, and not in a warm cuddle sort of way but I guess that’s included too. I mean the taking them off the table kind of safe, making sure they don’t jump/fall off the couch kind of safe. The safe I mean is when you baby proof the house and they manage to take it off and try and eat the baby proofing kind of safe. It’s the don’t play with switches and no you can’t hang out with mummy when she’s cooking kind of safe. 

But none of these take the cake. The whopping 35% for me personally is what I like to call Secret Snacking. Secret snacking is a thing that I am assuming all parent’s do, and it didn’t even start till recently, if you have a baby under six months I feel like you should enjoy the fact that they don’t eat solids regularly yet because once they start that’s the end of you snacking openly in front of them. I am a huge foodie and like Joey from Friends I don’t like to share my food, and this is why I have started secret snacking. Toddlers, children and even adults feel like they can take/want a piece of your food when you eat it in front of them and personally I hate this, though I’m guilty of it too (I ask for a bite of my brothers food a lot) but I hate it  especially when it’s Willow who asks, 1 because a lot of snacks are pure junk that she shouldn’t be eating and 2 because once I give her one bite she cries and whines till she gets more and more eventually taking most of the snack.

 So now I secret snack, I watch TV with her and hide my salt and vinegar chips under the blanket and eat. I buy KFC and only take out a chip at a time from the bag so she doesn’t know much there this. I leave my soft drink in the kitchen and go back for it when I clean the dishes. I get her to play with her toys in one room and sneak out and eat the chocolate that I’ve been hiding in my pocket. It’s bad but its reality. When Willow is older I feel like she can snack too, it’s unfair for me eat all these foods and then give her fruit only as snacks but for now I feel she’s too young, if she can’t say the sentence “mummy can I please have some ice cream?” then is she old enough for it? No, in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong I don’t deprive her, if we go to birthdays and everyone’s eating cake she can have some too, or if its a hot day and everyone’s having ice-cream she can share with mummy, I don’t mind. But dude, If I am having chocolate cravings because I am PMS-ing and I want a giant snickers bar and don’t want to share, then I’m going to put her in front of the TV let her watch Sesame Street and hide in the kitchen and eat. It’s a thing, parents do it. 

So this morning I woke up in a great mood, I had enough sleep and unlike yesterday I didn’t wake up with Willow’s feet on my face (that’s her name by the way, my child) and so I decided to sing hotline bling to my daughter to wake her up, nothing like Drake in the morning am I right? But not all mornings are this pleasant, not all mornings does my daughter get to hear me sing hotline bling. Only a couple of nights ago I had woke up crying, too early to wake Willow up. I had woken up crying because I had had a dream about my dog, whom had passed away earlier this year. I woke up covered in my own tears, sobbing, missing him and grieving. I thought the process of grief was over, but like all things it takes time. And I should know, this wasn’t my first time going through grief. 

It’s not my first time going through grief as a mother either, that was when Willow was five weeks old and I found out about my (now ex) husbands affair. I spent four days crying in a ball unable to parent. I had shoved Willow off to my mother for four days unable to look at her, I mean she shared his DNA. I was horrified. But grieving as an individual and grieving as a mother are two different things, and that’s what I’m trying to get at. Those four days, as a new mum I grieved as an individual not as a mother and finally something switched, maybe  it was the way she looked at me, maybe I was tired of crying or maybe I just realised that I had to act differently, that I was in charge of another human being, she wasn’t my mothers baby, she was mine.

Grieving as a mother, for me anyway, I’m not writing some sort of handbook, this is just my honest personal experience means crying at night, in the shower and maybe through a movie but not all the time in front of my baby. It meant showing her love and not letting her feel my grief. It meant dressing up and taking her out, letting people visit her, it meant nurturing her even though I felt like a broken robot on the inside. It meant dreaming, forcing myself to provide for her and our future. 

Hi, my name is Rasphal (pronouned Rash-paal to all my non punjabi readers out there) and I have decided to start a blog/Tumblr page called The “good” mum.  To be honest I’m not sure if I’m the best mum and that’s why the quotation marks are there. This page is meant to be an honest perspective of what mum life is all about.  So here’s me introducing myself, I think there are few things you need to know about me; 

1. I am a single mother, so if you don’t here me complaining about my significant other it’s because I don’t have one. I did, but he had an affair and thats that. I have been a single mother since my child was five weeks old and even throughout my pregnancy we were apart for three months. So my experience is from the perspective of a single parent. 

2. I live at home. Due to the above, I live at home with my mother and brother, so my experiences in bringing up a child differ to some others in that I live with my child’s grandparent and my own personal advice giver, although I do not always take the advice, it’s always given. 

3. I co sleep with my child. She is 19 months and we sleep in the same bed. I don’t have a partner so no one is going to take up that side of the bed anyway, why not my child? She did sleep in her cot for 12 months, but after endless nights of no sleep I made a big decision and chucked her in bed with me. It was the best decision I made. I love cuddles and I love sleep.

4. If I had to grade myself as a mum I would give myself a B. I don’t live in my own place, she doesn’t have a room and financially we could be better but she is loved and is healthy (despite her love for hot chips, which I feed her more than I should) and has travelled to 6 countries which I personally think is extraordinary.  She won’t remember, but I will.