#homehemo

So so frustrated right now. My dad is on home hemodialysis, which both my mom and I got trained on. And she pretends she's the only one going at this, by demanding on going only on her schedule (5:30 am starts), by ignoring that I have been trained... She never asks for help, then she gets resentful and hateful and then demands it while having a pity party at the same time, because no one ever helps. She enabled my dad into being helpless because, well, no one can EVER do anything as good as her so their contributions are shit (especially him), and then she fucking becomes this shrieking bitch when he won't do anything. She actually threatened to send him back to in-center if he didn't start taking charge of his treatment, which he wasn't trained to do, because she infantilised him and he doesn't really know what to do.

It's such a nice day outside. It's nice to be able to do this under the circumstances. I'm a little tired but not as tired as I thought I would be. Joel and I did my home hemo treatment when he got home from work. We started a little later than expected because I didn't wake up until he got there, instead of waking up early to set up before he got there. I think it worked out ok. I stayed up and did all the charting and Joel only woke up at alarms at the end and when I had cramping sensations. I wonder how Joel is feeling, if he's tired, we finished close to 7am. I think I would prefer this time to do the treatment because I still have an hour or so to sleep before work and Joel and I can just have free time when I get home and he goes to work. It is definitely a crazy schedule and I feel bad that we have to do it but I guess we both understand it has to be done. It's helpful that my mom can help sometimes. I prefer that she doesn't because she is unsure of the procedures but it does give Joel a break. I was able to have a treatment in clinic a week ago which was nice because Jenna and Susan did everything and I got to sleep and watch a movie. Doing home hemo isn't hard. We've gotten the hang of it. It's just the scheduling and doing it so often makes it seem like that's all we are doing together. It's not the ideal situation but you do what you got to do. It's been more difficult now that I have gone back to work full time. My work isn't stressful and it isn't as taxing as it used to be but it's still full time hours. And Joel and my schedule is so complicated at times. But I'm sure it'll get better and I'm sure we will manage. We always do. I brought a to-go coffee cup today. I felt like a winner because I have it and was able to fill it with ice water. I was sitting outside and I got hot. Filling it with ice water has been the best part of my day so far. I know it seems silly but not only does it make me feel great, it is so refreshing!

Busy day today. I went to home hemo training for a few hours. I didn't take a nap like I usually do. I went to lunch with mom, Jan, and Joel. I finally wrote my paper, and applied to 3 jobs. I also emailed Patty my return to work letter. I'm pooped. Time to sleep.

1230am Home hemo training is rough. Ok, the training isn't rough. The adjustment to the new treatment is rough. It sucks because I was finally getting used to the in center treatment. Now I feel worse. I've been hit with fatigue, nausea. I can't even hold myself up. I wish someone would give me a kidney already. 717am I just woke up and saw what I typed a few hours ago. I actually didn't remember what I wrote. But I guess I've been having these feelings about dialysis. It sucks. Usually I'm pretty positive about the whole thing. And I'm grateful for the treatment. It gives me options. It's just really rough. I don't know how I'll do it and work full time.

I woke up to have a midnight snack. I had a bit of oatmeal cookie and a binder. I've been taking the binders religiously because I have to get my phosphorous down. I forgot them yesterday. I hope that doesn't ruin my lab values. Jenna is going to kill me. Lately I've been super emotional. Every little thing makes me feel extreme. I was starting to think that I'm just sensitive to certain subjects, specifically my sister. But it's really out of character for me. I mean I've been sensitive about people's feelings about me in the past but I could deal with it. So it's made me wonder what the real cause of it is. I stumbled upon a dialysis website/forum called "I hate dialysis." Apparently mood swings are common for dialysis patients! This explains a lot because my sensitivity started along the same time as I started dialysis! Now that I know this I can consciously take a breath before I say anything. My sensitivity to subjects could be unnecessarily strong when deep down inside I don't really mean it to be. Dialysis is making me crazy! Thank goodness because I was starting to feel really crappy about myself and my attitude. I just hope that my sister will understand and forgives me when I tell her. It must be the constant fluctuation of toxins. I only get cleaned out 3 times a week. So my body doesn't have time to adjust chemically. I read that it gets better when you do more treatments, which I'll be doing when I start home hemo. No wonder I wasn't so cranky before when I was on pd. I was dialyzing everyday then.