An abundance of ramblings

I started off slicing some bread, and I wasn’t going to finish but I did. 

Then I started doing the dishes, and I wasn’t going to finish. We had dishes and pots everywhere. We’ve been cooking a lot lately. But I put some in the dishwasher and washed all the rest. Cleared off the counters, swept the floors, put out clean dish rags. There is something about a clean kitchen that just makes me feel better. 

And the cleaning continued to the stairs. Swept them a bit. And that made me feel better too. 

When I was done Clover and Meleys were dozing on the couch. 

2017

August 17, 2019

December 2020

Residual and navigating feelings continuing. Feeling external impacts. 

Also trying to survive this pandemic. 

Emotional and physical trauma to the heart.

I know I can't change the past. I can't change my ability. I can only change things now, and moving forward. And I know that's why I try so hard to be available and present always, to make up for lost time. And I hope my efforts are working, I feel like they are working.

Sometimes my first reaction to the good news of others is a mental scan of what I have compared to them. Or feelings come up like why didn’t they tell me their good news also? It’s a weird internalization right? Or sometimes it can also come up to be like why can’t it just be my thing? 

It feels wrong just typing all that. A few minutes after these thoughts come up I feel bad. I know my first reaction should be of pure happiness for the individual. Because I am genuinely happy for good news and for the increase of happiness of others! 

I’m just wondering why it has to be an internal process for me? This is something I really have to work on. 

I even thought to bring my mat outside and maybe do some yoga but I didn’t. I’m not even motivated right now to finish my program. I don’t have much left to do but my mind is all over the place on how I want to finish the program. I should just get the final bit of the busy work done. Like a little over an hour of asana practice, the 5 asana forms, and finally putting together my final project. But it’s a weird lazy Tuesday I guess. 

Maybe I should do some physical cleaning to ease my mind. I really do feel much better once the clutter is gone. I’m just having a hard time getting started. Maybe I need to start making lists again. It’s fun to check them off. It’s fun to see what I accomplished during the day, even if they’re little things. 

But it’s good to celebrate all things! What seems little may not be so little in the long run. I’m writing in circles just like what’s going on in my head.  

I may be overwhelmed by the course and the conversation between all my classmates about their progress in the course. I also have anxiety about teaching a class. What if I don’t seem like an “authentic” yoga instructor? Or my cues and transitions are annoying? What if I forget my sequence? 

Also practicing at home is also distracting. I placed my mat in the living room and during downward dog I noticed how dusty the floor was. And I was mentally making a list about what I need to clean in the house. 

What I like about yoga is that it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. It doesn’t matter what your poses look like. It is all about you and what you are receiving from the practice. Yoga isn’t about the poses it’s about the breathing, the practice, the time you give to yourself. 

But becoming a yoga instructor makes me feel like it isn’t about me anymore. it becomes about the students, the community. Leading by example, showing the perfect pose is important to gain the trust of your students. I’m kind of starting to feel like a fraud. Like why am I really pursuing a yoga instruction certificate? 

I am currently dwelling, more like stewing on the fact that kidney failure has taken away my ability to have kids. My transplant doctor doesn’t recommend it. Ok maybe this is the choice that Dr. Ellen Walker is talking about. I would rather not risk my life than birth a kid (Walker, 2011). My time on dialysis was one of the worst times of my life. No one in my family would want me to go back. I would never want to go back to that. Having a kid while on dialysis is doable but I don't want to live that way. And I’m just talking about the “what if” here. I could try to get pregnant and see what happens. There’s a risk of losing my kidney. My pregnancy would be high risk. It would be hard to find an OBGYN that will take me as a patient.

So I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings about the inability to have children. Thinking about kids, seeing kids, being around certain parents with kids has  brought out all these feels. Now my social life has become all about kids because my inner circle ALL have kids. Conversations have been about the hardships of parenting, the amount of sleep they get at night, the fact that they don’t do anything besides take care of their kids. 

And it’s totally understandable. And that is how it should be. I don’t want to know that the people around me are asshole parents. And I try to contribute with my knowledge. I am around kids all the time. My job is centered around the needs and education of kids. But I feel like my contributions aren’t taken seriously because I don’t have kids of my own. It’s come to where I feel like my presence at all doesn’t matter, like I’m not part of the group anymore. AND I HATE FEELING LEFT OUT. 

But it’s not just the fomo that makes me cray. It’s a combination of so many things. I could be a great mom. Making a choice on risk is an awful position. Coming to terms with the inability to have kids, when surrounded by kids and parents, really fucks with my heart. 

AND Joel could be a great dad. I’VE TAKEN THIS OPPORTUNITY AWAY FROM HIM! We have cried together about how unfair it is, how insensitive and unaware people are about our feelings. How Joel reads group texts about his friends kids being best friends, and how he cries because he wants to be part of that. I’m really the asshole in this. I’m crying while typing this. I have a lot of guilt because I’ve taken this away from Joel. And I know, he’s made a choice to love and stick by me no matter what but does he really understand what he’s missing out on?! 

It’s just so complicated. I’ve been coping by ignoring and trying to live the best possible life. I’ve been held back for so many years because of my health that I’ve decided to see, do, experience, and live life without abandonment. But there are times, more recently, where this punches me, us in the face. 

I think I was burnt out from last week. It was more of an emotional burn out. I have an office which is close to the staff room. I kept hearing disturbing conversations about people’s views. I heard comments about the use of food stamps, the LGBTQ, sexual assault... And to me the comments were really disturbing and felt hypocritical for the field that I work in. 

I work in a library, where all people are welcome to come for information, help. And I have co-workers who are not accepting of all people, who place judgement on people. How can we provide help and information if they have these ideas in their head? 

There was a point in my week where I had to close the doors to my office and cry for a bit. I was really angry and frustrated. I read a couple of articles on how to address these issues in my workplace. I vented to a friend through text. My resolution was to pray for them. 

I believe in my religion and have a sense of faith but not someone who is like I’ll pray for you. Or my first reaction isn’t to look toward God for answers. But in this situation, I’m limited on how to react. I made one comment in passing and then removed myself from the conversation. 

I try to give fully to everything and everyone in my life. And to me I think that’s right but you’re also supposed to take for yourself. It’s hard to make sense of it. Because when you hear other things it’s like “dang, why did I do that? I should have put my feelings aside this once.” But I think having that mentality can be dangerous to one’s self worth, right? 

I feel like I’ve put aside my feelings many times. And I end up venting, talking behind one’s back really, because I’m projecting my feelings on their actions. And I hate the idea of doing this and I hate the idea of this being done to me. I want to try to figure out if this can be stopped. Is that even possible? So do you take into consideration one’s situation, even though you’re not supposed to know their situation. 

I see everyone around me achieving. Am I really too old to achieve more? Is that what I really want? What do I really want? I actually don’t know. That’s the frustrating thing. What brings me joy? Is joy enough? Shouldn’t it be enough? Why don’t we think it’s enough? How do we really know what our path is? 

In yoga, a widely used intention is to Just Be. Just be happy with who you are, where you are. Don’t think about where anyone else is. Just be present. Just be in the present. Just be the person you are in the moment. Just be the best possible person you can be. 

It kind of makes me think of what was said at the last yoga class I went to. The instructor said everything in your body is connected. You may experience feet pain but this pain could have originated from the way you sit at work. You sit at your desk hunched over and that causes you to lean to certain side, which causes you to walk a certain way, which may not be balanced, which causes pain to your feet. 

Doesn't that sound overwhelming? That means you have to take care of everything because if you don’t then something is going to be affected. It makes sense but how do you take care of everything? How do you save everything? 

I was telling my customers how my staycation inspired me to save everything-  National Parks, endangered animals, Women’s rights. On the way to Universal Studios, on the train, we saw many people on their way to the Women’s March. My co-worker asked me “How are you going to save everything?” One co-worker said “spend lots and lots of money.” But is that really the way to go? 

I could adopt an animal but what impact would that make? It would only affect one animal. I could visit all the national parks, which is on my bucket list, but how can my one visit help to save them? And I don’t even know how to tackle Women’s rights. 

I keep trying to educate myself. I feel like ignorance is just a sad thing. It may be easier not to think about things and not see things for the truth but I feel like doing that takes away from the real issues. It’s like turning a blind eye to abuse. Why would you ignore that? It doesn’t mean that it’s not happening. It kind of even makes me feel like by ignoring the problems you’re saying that you accept it. 

I have been feeling a bit lost lately. Ok maybe I have this feeling often but it comes and goes. I think I was expecting that getting a new kidney would change my life. And to a big extent it has but I think i had greater expectations. In the back of my mind I thought it would change my life completely and open up so many opportunities and that these opportunities would be easy to reach and achieve. 

But it hasn’t! Maybe my expectations are a little misguided. At least I can admit that. Or maybe having a new kidney is making me feel a little entitled. This sounds like babbling and probably doesn’t make sense. For example, I like my job but it’s not my dream job. But I’ve put up with it for this long because it’s job security, it provides me with health insurance, it’s close to my parents, it’s easy... I could go on and on. But it’s not my dream job! I imagined after I got a new, working kidney I would get a glamorous job, my dream job. But it’s been 8 months and I’m still at my job. 

I’ve applied to a couple of jobs but got rejected. I made it to a second interview but couldn’t close the deal. It was easy to get the interviews but I just couldn’t get the job. My kidney was supposed to seal the deal for me! 

Ok I know the way I am thinking about this is wrong. It’s crazy. I want to point out, at least I can admit that. But now what do I do? 

I couldn’t get my mind or body to relax. There was one point in class where I laughed aloud. I was not in the yoga mood. Or maybe I just wasn’t in the restorative yoga mood. I think my body was looking for something more athletic. I have been feeling pretty antsy lately, like I need to sweat and increase my heart rate. 

But it was still good times with Kat. We had our usual pre-yoga dinner, and laughed about the crazy that happened at yoga. I also got some protein shake freebies at the studio!