#home problems

today the fighting between my grandma and mom was so bad I had to be in my closet with my headphones on just to mute it. I never know why they fight all I know from a part of it is that my grandma was talking about sending me to a "camp" to be "fixed" and I think my mom accidentally told her about me being bi bc I only told my mom about it.

At school bc it's second semester I have PE now and have to use locker rooms to change I use a stall bc I'm self conscious about my body the girls that bully me sneak their phones into class so they can slip the camera underneath my stall and take pictures or record and all I can do is tell them to stop or cover the phone with my foot or something. When I tell my coach he doesn't believe me bc they are on the girl basketball or volleyball team and they have connections with him.

Another thing they do is trip me when we do warm ups (In the warm ups we run laps around the gym) and when I tell coach they say "it's not our fault she is so fat she trips on her own weight.". On Friday i heard some kids laughing and all I did was ask "what's so funny?" And everyone started laughing and the next time during class they started laughing another kid said "what so funny?" The same way I did and everyone laughed harder.

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. Since the pandemic started, everything went downhill. I thought that the year 2022 would be my year. A year where I can improve my life, start saving money and work on my goals and dreams. Sadly, it didn't happen.

My father's company closed down and he became jobless. The company wasn't able to update his residence permit so the bank wouldn't allow him to withdraw his money. He's been stuck in another country waiting for his exit visa. His old landlord kicked him out because he hasn't pay rent for his place. Luckily, a good Christian family let him stay with them until the lawyer sorted out everything so he can come home. It's sad because it already has been two years and we're still waiting for an update from the court for my dad's exit.

Because my father lost his job, my sister and I shouldered everything. We would discuss on how we're going to pay for our bills and for my parents' pending debts. Our mother has her monthly pension and we also use that to pay the bills, groceries and her medicine. It got to the point where all our money would go to our expenses and debts and we are left with nothing. We couldn't even afford our toiletries nor save money for our future. We have to prioritize the expenses and debts before us. Now, expenses and debts are increasing and it's giving me so much anxiety.

I am so tired of thinking my family's problems over and over again like a broken record. It's frustrating that my salary is so low and I'm currently looking for a new job of which is also frustrating because it's hard to find a company that's offers a bigger salary and career growth. Whenever I scroll through my social media, I can't help to feel jealous when I see my old high school and college batch mates that they're in a good state where they are financially stable and working on their future. I wish that's me too.

I live in a first floor flat. I've never much been a fan of flat living but moving home it was literally the only thing I could afford (yay expensive area).

My downstairs neighbour who is usually a fairly chill guy has started complaining more in recent months. Yesterday he exploded at my boyfriend saying the kitten kept him up (he weighs less than a kilo, somehow I don't think he's that noisy), he can hear everything, he complained that the bed squeaks when I turn over in it, he complained about the fact we have pets when we aren't allowed them here - a bone of contention for me because I paid my solicitor to get that clause removed so 🖕 and then even went on to be like everyone is loud now and complained about the 3 months old baby crying across the hall from me.

Now I get it. When you're tired and annoyed you bite. But a) this is my flat. I own it 100%. My boyfriend just lives here. So if you have a problem come to me. B) it's a kitten, it's gonna be a little loud for a few weeks, but we are doing everything we can to get him to stop, and c) this has full blown triggered my anxiety. I now feel unwelcome in my own home. Every little noise we make after 9pm I am cringing at. I am crying in bed at night I'm so stressed out. And I've even been looking at moving when I really can't afford to but I just want to get out of here. I hate living in a flat. I always have. And now I just hate it even more. I hate confrontation too so I can't even go over there and be like look, talk to me and let's get this out. Because I'll cry. Cause I cry when I am stressed out.

Today has been absolutely chaotic craptacularness.

It started out when my dad found out their fifth wheel has a leaky water line. We don’t know how the water lines are ran in it, so it could be a rather extensive fix. We also don’t know where it’s leaking at. The thing’s as old as I am, so it’s bound to have some problems. So far, electrical and water are all the problems we’ve had. At this point, I haven’t left for work yet.

I get to work. There aren’t a whole lot of orders to choose from to run. I get one set up, start running it, and my blade moves over, messing up two rolls. Not a big deal, I can fix it. It was a big deal. It was a very big deal. I wound up changing the screw in about eight of my blades before the end of my shift because the other two people on the machine keep overtightening the screws and strip them out.

I have a text from my mom on my last break. Our stove screwed up and might need either a new power cord or a new plugin.

Thank you,

Is not about wanting the best for you people and the ones around you, it's only about power and control over the people....