You are not just my ‘nothing' when my friends asked me what I was thinking. You are also the 'I don’t know’ that I keep on saying whenever they asked me what’s wrong. And if I’ll ever add one more, I actually meant that I want to be with you when I say 'I just want to be alone’.

The thing is - I usually love my number and I always try to keep it to myself. But now that you’re already in front of me, fuck it! I think I’d regret it if I wouldn’t even try trading it for yours.

I have been fighting ever since I learned how to love. And they said everything is fair in love and war. But nothing is more painful than losing even before you were given a chance to declare.

“How can you be always positive? Don’t you have worries too?” she asked me almost both confused and amazed It made me think back for a bit, then it hits me. It was not like a sudden bump at a door. It was slow, almost like a torture. It is like falling off a stair, only the steps are too far from each other that you will still need to roll a few times before falling again to the next one. It hit me hard! “I guess I was just tired of being worried and sad about many things?” I answered reluctantly with an unconscious shrug of shoulders. “But isn’t it normal? To worry? To be sad?” she followed, and now very curious of what I might say next. I got myself in a bind. Because honestly, it is so hard to explain to other people your experiences. I don’t know how to tell her how I used to eat worries for breakfast. How I got drunk with sadness then later on vomiting all of it, just for me to eat it all again the next day. It was horrible. I have been like that since I first got my heart broken. I suffered the same routine for years. Until one day, I just got tired of feeling like that. So I started looking forward to eating my breakfast, I started eating it with pleasure. Every night when I feel like burping up, I take a bowl and catch them all so I can eat them back up more completely at that same night. I repeated that until I got used to its taste. And later on, I just realized that it doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact, I was already looking for a new taste. A new dish that will be served on my table. I won’t say that I got used to it. Because after all, they are still nasty feeling. But maybe the right way to put it was that I got to really know that kind of feeling that I know now where I will put it in my heart whenever it appears. There is a dedicated place for it my stomach for it to take its time before completely leaving my body. Suddenly, I feel this tap on my left arm. “Hey, are you still there?” I heard her laugh as she said that. I was completely lost in thought that I forgot she was there. “No, it isn’t. But some people might say that it is because we sometimes forget that we always have a choice on what to do with things. We decide it ourselves.” I explained, trying to make up for the time when I spaced out. She was not convinced. I can see it in her face. “See that river over there?” I asked, pointing at the river just a few yards away from us. “Yep!” She nodded. “People will have different ways of crossing that river. Some might swim through it or some might use that bridge over there.” I continued while pointing at the bridge on our right side. “But either way, all of them will face problems while crossing it. The problems may differ but they will still have them.” I finished, hoping she’ll understand it somehow. “Even the ones using the bridge?” she immediately follows I was startled. But a smile is slowly forming now on my face. I never thought she was paying that much attention when I was just casually trying to give her simpler analogy. “Yes! Especially the ones on the bridge.” I said while slightly laughing. Amused by her curiosity. “But why? Isn’t it much safer?” she was confused At this point, I was already happy. I completely understand where she is coming from, her question was indeed very rational. I pinched her right cheek gently. “Yes, it was exactly because of that reason that they will have problems.” I stopped, then smiled at her “You see, when people feel safe, they tend to take things for granted. They will be blinded by the sudden rush of happiness and will start to just look straight ahead. And when things go for a little curve, that’s when they start to panic and overthink things.” She was silent. She was slowly absorbing things. I can tell this because her face slowly brightens up while looking at the bridge. “So where are you? At the river or the bridge?” she is now beaming with a big smile on her face looking at me. “I’m at space staring at how tiny this river is.” I answered, sticking my tongue out. We both then ended up bursting with laughter.

Alleviation

You used to be so subtle; so delicate and so complex, like thin ice sheets along the lake. Now you’re just plain fresh water; A harsh reminder of a cold winter.

Today, I witnessed how two worlds start to fall apart. They, too, made promises; a paradise on the making. And like most fantasy, they, too, disappeared on thin air the moment their eyes awaken.

Baby, I will not mourn, I already saw it coming. Fighting my love for you, is either living or dying.