#higherpleasures

Retrogrades, transits, and sleeping with your most recent ex are some of the many ways that the evil bitch Moon is going to make your life a living hell this year. Let's look at your lunar forecast for 2019, shall we? Read the full article

A lot of our readership is white. The kind of white that if you held it to the Sun, you can see all the inside stuff clear as day. We've known this, so a lot of this is on us, but it's mostly you. It turns out you can't be trusted with a 12-oz. tub of pitch-black charcoal beauty mask cream to root out all the gunk in your pores, because the moment you all apply it, you start doing extremely racist caricatures of black people. Your privilege is as apparent as your skin is radiant after using our charcoal face mask. Read the full article

We've all been there: One minute, you're just browsing around on Amazon, and the next thing you know, you've spent $20,000 on trucker hats without remembering that we're allergic to trucks or bought a private island when just a cove would have been fine. But ever since I started using this awesome new app called Pet Threat, I've saved over $3,000 on purchases I didn't need. It really teaches you to stop and think for a minute before you buy, because if you don't, they will send someone to hurt your pet. Read the full article

Everyone knows those classic novels we all pretended to read but secretly never did. Adult life is a hustle—and often exhausting—so it’s lucky for you that 700 lbs of antique kingwood has collapsed on your legs like a fallen sequoia! It’s time to take a much-needed break from the world and dip into these essential classic novels you absolutely must read while trapped under this Victorian bookshelf. Read the full article

  You've worked hard all week, and quite frankly, you deserve a break! That's why we've created this slideshow of black and white photos of pregnant women for you to do, you know, whatever with. No need to go into detail. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy these beautiful visions of gestation in whatever manner you feel is appropriate. Images:  Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay     Read the full article

You deserve love, but more than that you deserve to love yourself. The best way to show you love yourself is by making it weird for everyone else! You don’t have to be in a relationship, you ARE that relationship all on your own. Love yourself like you recently met yourself, have been dating successfully for a month and have been banging yourself nonstop. Here are a few fun ways to love yourself so much it'll be inappropriate in public. Read the full article

Zen: It’s not just a box of sand on a businessman's desk, it’s a way of life. Perfect zen can be achieved through meditation, but it’s just so hard to to reach enlightenment with all the pesky suffering happening in the world. How can one reach a peaceful state of mind while surrounded by a sea of horrific injustice? By completely numbing oneself to the struggles of those around them, that’s how! We took a weekend seminar with one of the many gurus on our payroll, Guru Dayn Rand, author of “Hey You, Yes You. You’re Living Your Life All Stupid.” Guru Dayn graciously invited us to his Scottsdale home to explore the ancient art of finding tranquility by killing the benevolent part of one’s brain. Read the full article

You guys are not going to believe this. My dear Frederick is turning 12 next month, so he called 1-800-Kars-4-Kids, and the jagweeds refused to send my pookie a Tesla! Can you believe it? Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them, but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education of some child "in need." That's nice and all, but what about Freddie's needs? Did they ever think of that? Clearly not. Now they aren't dealing with my sweet angel anymore. They're dealing with me. Read the full article