#heurtebise

I... had a panic attack again for the first time in a long while. It didn't come at a good time. I felt very embarrassed and tried to keep most of it under control. I was partially embarrassed because of the timing and partially embarrassed because I thought I would never have another panic attack again. My life has been going really well. People love and support me in what I do. I want so hard for my panic and anxiety to have the smallest glimmer of rationality to it, to understand that when everything is going well there is no need for fear.

When I screwed up dinner a bit tonight (it still tasted great) and I knew there was a chance I could start feeling anxiety over being a screw up, I had to repeat out loud (I'm home alone) that "It's okay to make mistakes" and "It's okay to be me" and "It's okay to not be perfect". I didn't get those little nudges of reassurance in my life so it's even hard for me to tell myself those things. If anyone else said those sentences to me I'd probably just collapse with gratitude. Like that time I almost cried when my mom remembered my birthday and bought me a blender. It all sounds crazy to people who don't understand. You don't get it, she even wrapped it in wrapping paper and gave me a card with it. I'm sorry, that's old news. 

At some point, there are emotional scars that aren't supposed to hurt anymore. There's supposed to be some point in my life where the good so heavily outweighs the bad. I don't want to be emotionally volatile. 

My partner does not have a hyper-masculine need to protect their "weaker" partner. He's not a typical "save the princess" sort of guy, he's a lot smarter than that. So the weaker I become in his eyes, he's not going to start loving me more. The more I let myself slip in front of him - panic attacks, anxiety, insecurity - these won't make him want to hold me tighter and tell me he'll make everything alright. They will make me lose him.