#here again

.ঌ˚˖ ࣪

17 years old.

The sunrises at the ranch had always been so beautiful.

It was quiet, all the creatures waking lazily in their paddocks, the endless fields providing the perfect landscape to reflect the colorful light of day break.

When you had first moved here, you would sneak out of the guest room of the main house just to watch it. The view helped calmed the tornado of doubts that would wrack your brain every night.

For a few minutes every day, everything was still.

It was two weeks into staying there. You were sat on the porch swing, staring up at the sky as you watched some birds glide across the sky. Their wings caught the wind easily, moving

“Hey.” You turned to see Gator standing in the doorway, blanket wrapped around him to keep from shivering. “What are you doin’ out here? It’s fucking freezing.” It was almost summer, but early mornings still carried a bite that Gator was strangely sensitive to.

“Yeah, but it’s pretty.” You looked back to the sky as he joined you on the swing, the slight shake making your stomach do a little flip. Any tiny movement made you sensitive to the fact that there was something inside you. That in a few short months that something would turn into an actual baby. Another you out in the world. “What are you doing up so early?” You asked as he shuffled a little closer, wrapping the blanket around you too. You suddenly felt something clunky hit your skin.

You leaned back, observing Gator decked out in a full police uniform, tactical vest and all. You had almost forgot it was his first day at the academy. “Decided to get an early start.” He smiled. “Think the uniform looks pretty good on me, huh?”

The nausea hit you. Sudden and intense. You sprung up, rushing to the side of the porch. The moment you leaned over the railing, you were throwing up with such intensity that your head was pounding. Even when you thought it was done, you just gagged again and somehow had more to throw up. Gator stared with total shock, unsure what to do. Finally, when your body felt physically drained of energy and food, it stopped.

“Didn’t think I looked that bad.” Gator chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s just some morning sickness. I read it should go away in a few weeks.” You stumbled back, blinking away the strange twisting in your gut. That wasn’t nausea. It was the thought that you would be going through this, and much worse. But when you looked at Gator, you thought it was worth it.

“You’ve been readin’ about it?” He stared at you, shocked you were doing the bare minimum. 

“Gator!” Roy’s booming voice approached the front door, snapping him to attention. “You ready, son?”

“Yeah, Dad.” He spun on his heel to face his father, smile so wide you could hear it. “Let’s do this!”

Roy’s eyes drifted over his son and back onto you, still lingering near the railing. “Morning sickness?” You blinked. Sometimes it felt like he had this supernatural ability to know everything, see everything and control everything.

“Y-yeah.” You admitted, ducking your head in shame.

“Nadine!” He called back into the house, and she was appearing at the door frame moments later. You stared down at your feet, everyone eyes on you over something you had no control over. Was this going to happen every time you threw up? “Show her how to clean it up.” He instructed, and Nadine immediately nodded, retreating to get some equipment. Roy simply gave you a nod that somehow told you “That better be gone when I’m back.” You nodded at his silent demand.

As Roy descended the porch steps, Gator turned to him and then quickly back to you. “Readin’ and shit. You’re gonna be a great mama.” He seared the words with a kiss to your forehead.

“Gator!”

He rushed after his father. Right before he ducked into the car, he gave you a smile that told you that he really believed it. You weren’t so sure.

As time went on, you saw less and less of those sunrises. There was always something else to do, like help Nadine cook breakfast or clean or sometimes, your body just hurt too much. By the time Eden came along, you had completely forgotten about it. You were still awake in the early hours of the day just too busy feeding, or burping or soothing her. Any drop of sleep you could get was needed. You weren’t sure you would ever see one again.