When You Have a Probably-Harmless Crush
So here's maybe an easy question. I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for years now, but I've recently developed a full-tilt crush on another person. It's probably harmless? But I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Needless to say my partner wouldn't be comfortable finding out about this. But it's just a harmless crush! Who is it hurting? I'm so confused?!
Congratulations! You’re exactly like virtually every other human who has ever been in a committed, monogamous relationship for years on end! Sitcoms and rom-coms tell us that being in this situation is a Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing that can only result in cheating and heartbreak, but after awhile, having a crush whilst remaining in love with your person is pretty much par for the course. There is nothing wrong or abnormal whatsoever about developing a passing fancy for someone else.
Crushes also don’t mean you want to leave your partner for your crush. I’m not saying “crushing on” never overlaps with “would leave bae for” on a Venn Diagram, but in my extremely scientific estimation, the majority of crushes do not fall into the latter category. There are so many glorious ways to like people! Most of them are not actually relationship-threatening! Let us revel in the magic of human connection, desire, and enjoyment of one another, which is many-faceted and often uncategorizable!
Maybe I’m new-fashioned, but I tell my partner about all my crushes. It doesn’t make him uncomfortable; in fact, it makes him feel trusted and happy. I asked him, the first time, whether he’d want to know if I had a crush on someone. He thought about it and said, “I guess try telling me and we’ll find out?” I told him, he was happy I’d told him, and that was literally the end of the conversation. Telling him also allows my crushes to remain life-sized, rather than allowing their secrecy to feed them until they swell up to monster-sized proportions. Secrecy can be like steroids for crushes, but sharing them can let them stop being a focal point, or even dissipate altogether.
That said: Your Mileage May Very Much Vary. My ex could NOT handle hearing about my crushes; it would send him into a spiral of jealousy and insecurity. (Then again, I’m not with that fucking guy anymore, am I?) I know plenty of people in relationships who keep these things to themselves, or only share them with close friends. If that works for them, mazel tov. Personally, I would much rather know these things for sure, rather than try to guess at them if I observe my person having chemistry with someone else.
So...is it a given that your partner “wouldn’t be comfortable finding out about this”? Have they explicitly said as much? Was this something you discussed when you were getting together? If not, maybe it’s worth finding a way to talk about (without necessarily spilling the beans right away). Maybe your person has crushes they wanna tell you about, too!
What if you said something like, “I was reading this advice column today recommending that people tell their partners when they have a crush on someone else. I’m not sure how I feel about it.” (None of this is untrue!) See how your partner reacts! If they say, “I don’t agree with that,” there’s your answer right there. If they express openness to the idea that this is something couples can discuss openly, ask explicitly: “Would you want to know if I had a crush on someone else?” Then respect however they answer. If they don’t wanna know, they don’t wanna know, and you may have to content yourself with venting to a trusted friend about that hottie. But maybe they do wanna know!
Your crush is not a dirty thing. You haven’t done anything. You’re just fond of someone, and that’s actually a lovely thing. There may be more space in your life for that fondness than you realize.
