#hellspawn bg3

Astarion:

Need hellspawn’s spawn (Karlach and Astarion’s kid) drabbles…

They got a head full of curls, and they REFUSE to sit still whenever Astarion tries to tame their hair. Astarion has now mastered grease spells because lord knows his wallet could not take it. Of course, he had to spend a lot of time (read: harass Gale) over specific hair-care spells, but their child still has messy hair 24/7. Mostly because while they got Astarion’s curls, they inherited Karlach’s energy. Which means that the cute little outfits Astarion plans out, the hours Astarion puts into their hair with little charms and cute accessories - their child comes back VERY disheveled from playing. Astarion just sighs and mourns the lost of the really cute hair pins he bought just for their child, only for their child to come home with half their hair out of the style, and three pins missing.

Karlach does not help, as she will also go play in the mud with their kid and lose her own hair pins Astarion absent-mindedly braids into her hair. They basically become the meme.

Of course, if you EVER try to say “wow Astarion your wife is so un-ladylike” or “your kid is so messy,” Astarion will bitch slap you so fucking hard. He loves his messy family thank you very much and only he can shake his head in fond exasperation.

Karlach loves to tease Astarion, and will pull him into a mudfight even if Astarion shrieks about “No, that’s my hair!!!” And “Darling I just bought these boots!!!” Part of her whole spiel is seeing how much she can lovingly raise Astarion’s blood pressure, because she thinks he’s so stinking CUTE when he’s squealing after an overly dramatically wet kiss on the cheek (the same way their kid does when Karlach does it to them). She lowkey wants to just gnaw on him because she loves her prissy, pointy, and fangy husband. And Astarion loves his messy, muddy, and energetic wife.

And they both love their chaotic gremlin child who manages to get footprints on the ceiling and made four baby sitters quit, and is the current reason why Gale has more gray hairs in his beard and why Astarion pays him quite generously out of pity for babysitting. Astarion actually loves that their kid takes after their mom, because his life is all full of sunshine and rainbows because of their excited energy. Karlach is so happy that at least they take after their dad, and can be teased just as much.

1. … have never been more flattered in my whole ass life

2. … love how this fits the whole “every Astarion person needs their Karlach person”

Its on the tin. So basically, Astarion surprisingly becomes an elementary teacher because of the tiefling children. Is he soft with the children? No. Not at all.

The story starts as normal. When they get to the grove, the little tiefling kids attempting to pick his pocket gets noted. Instead of snarling, he scoffs and scolds the kid on how to sneak better. The rest of the party aren’t near, and he doesn’t feel as obligated to be harsh. Unfortunately, this little tiefling child takes his words to heart and (unknowingly to Astarion) looks up at him with the biggest look of awe.

When he interacts with the tiefling children at the grove, he does it scolding them and assuming they’ll be hesitant to interact with him. It has the opposite effect.

He tells Mirkon how to pay attention to his surroundings, thinking this snot-nosed little brat will be upset Astarion called him a clumsy, oblivious oaf and not hooked on how cool Astarion was pointing out threats in nature. He rolls his eyes at Arabella and thinks she’ll run behind her mother’s legs when he calls her moronic, unknowing that she thought he was funny when he stuck his tongue out at Khaga and made mocking gestures when the druid turned her back.

Everytime the party visits the grove, Astarion scowls and tries to push the kids away. The tiefling children swarm him once they see him, and multiply very quickly. Wyll and Gale do NOT help, and encourage the children. Karlach and Shadowheart think it’s adorable, and Lae’zel is too indifferent. Astarion comes back to camp, griping about sticky fingers and whining about stains on his leathers. Yet, he always tenderly tucks away their drawings and weird “jewelry” (read: macaroni and beaded necklaces way too big) in his camp and denies how they got there (he fools nobody). He tried shooing them off, flashing his teeth and calling them brats, but they just laughed. At his teeth, they didn’t mind. Some called him cool, and wanted him to show off his vampiric nature.

When the tieflings go on the road, he is surprised that some of the kids start crying and clinging to his waist. Astarion, who is very used to creepy men and not innocent children who want comfort, just goes “uhm????” and gives an awkward, panicked look to his companions because why are these tiny children crying and how does he help them stop smearing their gross snot on his armor??? Halsin thankfully rescues him, but the children still want to give Astarion their gifts. They draw a weird lopsided figure with red eyes and fangs. The figure is drawn like a knight, with a giant sword Astarion definitely can’t lift in real life, but with captions like “my hero” “the coolest vampire!!” across them. Astarion denies tearing up a little, but his cold, undead heart does thaw when the first time he sees himself in 200 years - its from the innocent perspective of a child who thinks of him as a hero.

When they get to Act 2, Astarion still has his masks up around the party, but the damned little tiefling children managed to worm their way into his heart. Hearing an attack on the tieflings, he panics until he sees them all accounted for. His heart squeezes in his chest when he doesn’t find Arabella with the others.

When he finds Raphael, he doesn’t immediately proposition him in the inn for his scars. He snarls and holds a dagger to his throat to leave Mol alone. Mol grew on him, and he was terrified of her having to serve a master in any way.

It’s here where Astarion finds himself at a crossroad. He can demand the devil to release Mol, or he can find power for himself. He thinks of his one kind act in 200 years, one that lead him to the tomb for a year. But he thinks of the way all the children in the grove didn’t flinch at his fangs. That knew of his vampirism, and thought of him as a cool hero instead of a monster. That gave him the gift of his appearance after 200 years, even though it’s entirely inaccurate and looks more like a blob with red eyes and two triangles that seemed like fangs perhaps???

Yes, children are still gross and awful. Squirmy, loud things that piss him off and annoy him. Brats that have no emotional maturity what-so-ever. But he cares about the kids from the grove, and perhaps guilt lingers from the Gur children. So when Raphael shows up at the masoleum, Astarion surprisingly speaks up. He negotiates a deal with Raphael to kill Yurgir, only if he renegotiates his deal with Mol and keeps her and the children safe. Despite being out of work as a magistrate for years, he diligently works on Mol’s contract, and a contract to keep the children safe from Raphael.

When the group finds Arabella, Astarion is the one to break it to her gently that her parents are dead. He never gives the little girl pity, but he’s honest. He always is to the little brats. Arabella ends up liking him the most in the camp, solely because he does not treat her as glass. He talks to her like normal. No sugar coating, no baby talk.

Its perhaps because of this that she spends most of her time at camp following Astarion. Astarion rolls his eyes (fondly), and lets her follow him around. He teaches her how to sew, once he finds her curious eyes on him. He teachers her how to embroider, and how to restring a bow. When she struggles to do her hair, Astarion teaches her how to braid it. He ignores the pointed fond look Halsin and Jaheria give him, as he braids her hair in a pattern elven parents put in their children’s hair.

Somehow (to literally nobody but Astarion’s surprise) the little girl starts insisting to sleep near Astarion. He grumbles and tells her he doesn’t want some brat kicking him during his beauty sleep, but surprise surprise, the party occasionally finds Astarion with Arabella’s head in his lap, snoring away as Astarion works on some mending (they ignore Astarion insisting that the little girl pestered him into sharing his personal space, and that he was just using her as a heater because he’s just so cold. Hes a fake idgafer they saw him smile softly and hum an old elvish lullaby).

Do NOT get me wrong! Astarion is still Astarion. He’s an asshole to other children. He torments the other party members at times, and drags his feet at doing good. He wants to be powerful to defeat Cazador, but those damn kids at the grove seem to be his one weakness.

When it comes to killing Cazador or choosing ascension, it’s no surprise he chose to kill Cazador. He told himself that gur children are gur foremost, but he saw them as children first. He saw them snarl at wyll, and thought of Mol’s unimpressed glare when adults try to talk down to her. He saw them cower, and thought of Mirkon and Arabella, so it was really no surprise that his once uncaring heart softened, and he let the 7000 spawn go.

After all the bullshit with the Absolute, he manages to find himself somewhere to stay in Baldur’s Gate. Arabella somehow finds himself, and after her lingering around his doorstep, he rolls his eyes and tells her “get in here, you foolish child before you catch a cold.”

Astarion feels as though he has no purpose, until Arabella tells him that she thought of him as a good teacher. So he starts teaching children.

Idk my brain is fried atp ill flesh ts out on ao3 after i rip the rest of my acrylic nails off byeeee ;333