#grieving process

You get to that point (after a week’s business travel) where one part of your brain says—as it’s done before—Oh gods it’s gonna be good to get home to where you don’t have to check out in the morning.

And another part of your brain says, sadly: Except it’s not really home any more, because the one who made it “home” is gone, and never coming back.

…Now begins the long search to find a new definition of “home”.

…”I may be some while.”

I didn't expect Whale Story Xoxo to hit me with the bittersweet reminder of how fleeting is the time and the bond we share with our loved ones. I think we all tend to forget how time flies. We're so caught up on our fast-paced life, juggling between demanding career, responsibilities and personal obligations, that we tend to forget to spend time with our loved ones. Wan was working in a stressful environment where she never got the time to see or call her father. She always thought she could do all of that later, but she never expected him to die.

The series shows the regret we can have of not spending enough time with our loved ones. When we are young, we think time is infinite and we forget that it can be gone one day without any warning. Then, you're looking for anything that can remind you of your passed loved ones. I think the series did a pretty good job at showing the bureaucratic tasks that you have to complete, all while you are grieving and how it can get in between the grieving process. As Wan said, she didn't come to her father's shop to find documents, she was looking for a memory because she misses him.

I bet she decided to follow in her father's footstep and to manage the shop, not only because she is now jobless, but because she needed something to get close to her father. She found the leaflet about the business rival and she is going to compete with them. I wonder if it's a way of busing herself and feeding a target for the anger that can be a consequence of grieving. She can channel her energy into the shop her father cared so much for and in a way, it would be like making sure he can survive, despite him not being here anymore.

It's been 3 days since we had to put Smokey down and I still can't put a finger on what I'm feeling.

At times, the broken routine and absence are so loud. I'll go to put food in his dish or call him onto the couch and then flinch when I remember he's not there. I see him everywhere, and nowhere at all. He exists in empty spaces where I can't touch him and I start to cry. Suddenly, I feel the day we adopted him feel like yesterday. How could 5 years ever be enough? He was meant to die elderly on his favorite spot, body healthy and simply old. I crave what I didn't get to see. I mourn memories I didn't have. Not only are his places here empty, but all his places in the future are as well. The absence is screaming.

Sometimes, I feel it's already been years since he passed. It was this week it happened, but i feel like it was ages ago. I feel so far ahead with the pain becoming a dull ache. I almost feel I start to forget him, like feeling so far away has put me in a fog. I feel I've drifted so far away I'm able to fake cheerfulness riddled with guilt. It's like a mania, a twisted joy fueled by a constant hurt.

Then, I feel a bittersweet comfort. Smokey is all around me. I believe in his little spirit still being here, relaxing in the sun. I swear I see him at his food bowl out of the corner of my eye or sitting on the back of the couch. I have dreams of him laying on me, purring deeply and warming me. They're so vivid and tangible. We saw a cat-shaped cloud in the sky the day we said goodbye. It was there when he got home from the vet. It looked so happy on that cloud, a sign of peace. I feel a sad relief knowing we prevented a miserable death from his end-stage cancer. I feel his thanks and freedom all around the home, radiating off the places he would sleep.

Grief feels like the epitome of "will happen, happening, happened". I cry, laugh, hurt, and yearn. No matter what, my heart aches. I know it always will. I'm glad it always will. It's the mark of intense love. The deep scar of surrendering your heart to another soul.

I don't regret listening to Smokey's needs. I don't regret letting him fall asleep surrounded by us, before cardiac arrest took him. I would do it all over again, all 5 years, in every life. He was worth it. He will always be worth it.

I know I'll slowly accept what happened. It's just really hard and confusing right now.

if there’s a good side of grief, i’ve yet to reach it. it’s not getting any easier. time isn’t helping. some days i feel as if the pain deepens. the roads ahead seem longer without you walking them beside me. it’s like I’m resistant to joy. pushing back against my own happiness. im afraid that healing means forgetting, and I’m not ready to leave. let me sit here for a little while longer. there are things i needed to tell you that i never got the chance to. things you deserved to hear....i’m sorry. i’m sorry for not doing more. if it was possible to bear your pain, i would have.

even when distant, my world was better because you were in it. i was always proud of you. my love for you is constant, unconditional, eternal. there are pieces of you I’m discovering in me. little gifts you unknowingly left behind.

even your absence is filled with moments worth revisiting. maybe instead of learning how to live without you, I’ll just bring the best of you with me. maybe we're not meant to move on, we're meant to move with.

"Best Of You" J RAY

(-Mild Spoilers Ahead-) During this viewing I cried when Knuckles asked Sonic "After you lost everything, how are you so hopeful and joyful?" And Sonic replied something like "I made new friends, made new family, I didn't have to do it alone.... you don't have to be alone anymore."

Yet again another reason why Sonic is a comfort character, reminding me that I can lean on others in my grief and reminding me to make time for more memories, more moments with the people I care about.

(That's her, from 3 years ago)

Hi, friend. I’m really sorry about your loss. That makes me sad for you. Bianca looks like she was a fun friend and a great duck.

So I’ve got some tips for dealing with grief, and I hope they help.

Do not try to bury your feelings. It’s okay to feel them and feel them fully. If you try to hinder them or bury them, you can’t grieve like how you need to.

Feel your emotions but don’t hold onto them. Easier said than done, I get it, believe me, but some people let their feelings become a crutch or something they hold on to for too long. Feel them and then let them go when it’s time.

Finally, grieve how you need to. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so do it how you need to.

Talk to whoever you need to to get through it.

Grief is weird. Some days I wake up so sad, all I can think about is how damaged I feel.. how hurt I am.. how alone I feel. Some days I wake up so angry that I want to revert back to old self harm habits. But I can't start hitting myself again because of you. You were the trigger that loaded my fist up behind my back and you were the force that swung my closed fist into my forehead. I haven't done it since you have left. I can't go back. And some days I wake up so grateful and at peace, I feel like myself again. I feel alive. I feel free.

You gave me 5 years of ups and downs. And for so long, I took every downstroke and made the upstroke 3 times better if I could. I remember you constantly thanking me for 'dealing with your bullshit,' as if it was ingrained in you to only think once the impact was made. 5 years of questioning if I was enough for you. 'are you sure you want to spend forever with me?' you reassured me so well, only to give up the second someone else offered you a better situation for you.

I don't want this to appear as though I didn't value the good times we shared. In fact, I recalled a lot of fun memories while my best friend was in town. I spent time crying at dinner over you. Over lost love.

I tried. You know I tried.

I gave. I gave. I gave.

My love never faltered. I never wanted to lose you.

I gave you my last name.. you gave me severe trust issues. I'm better off without you. I will be loved again. I just know it's out there.