autumn haze

if there’s a good side of grief, i’ve yet to reach it. it’s not getting any easier. time isn’t helping. some days i feel as if the pain deepens. the roads ahead seem longer without you walking them beside me. it’s like I’m resistant to joy. pushing back against my own happiness. im afraid that healing means forgetting, and I’m not ready to leave. let me sit here for a little while longer. there are things i needed to tell you that i never got the chance to. things you deserved to hear....i’m sorry. i’m sorry for not doing more. if it was possible to bear your pain, i would have.

even when distant, my world was better because you were in it. i was always proud of you. my love for you is constant, unconditional, eternal. there are pieces of you I’m discovering in me. little gifts you unknowingly left behind.

even your absence is filled with moments worth revisiting. maybe instead of learning how to live without you, I’ll just bring the best of you with me. maybe we're not meant to move on, we're meant to move with.

"Best Of You" J RAY

i walked and walked, grew a beard so i could drag it in the dirt, into a forest that wasn't there.

i want to give you more but not everything. You don't need everything.

i want to love you knowing that she tore herself to knit us together. stars to stars, the blood burns.

because we are too forbidden even in dreams. it is sickly to think that we are fighting alone.