ilya struggling with emergency contacts. he can't put his father. who barely remembers he has a son in the show. barely remember he has a son at all some nights. can't put his brother. god fucking forbid something happens and Alexi picks up the phone. he probably wouldn't really. wants sometimes to put his mother down so bad it hurts. an ache in his stomach that feels like a sucker punch. leaves it blank most times. when he can get away with it. puts Svetlana when he can't. lies and says she's a cousin and never tells her because she'd laugh so hard she'd probably choke. and he'd laugh too and then spend the night trying to remember what was funny anyhow. pretends he doesn't care when he watches shane fill out forms deftly. mom. dad. like it wasn't anything at all. ilya who marries shane. one day. after all that aching and waiting and preemptive and permanent grief he felt so often he forgot it was there. who gets those stupid annual papers and writes (like it isn't anything at all) Yuna. David. and has to pretend it doesn't close a gaping wound he'd been bleeding from for so long it almost scares him. to press on and find no. I belong. I have a family. a family.
