#ghost concept

When we first broke up, I made up this concept about ghosts, and I thought I impressed myself with it because it came up spontaneously as we chatted.

"Why do you keep talking to dead people?"

Around October, things were getting shaky. For some reason, we kept fighting whenever our monthsary came near. I wanted to never speak to him again after that because he was getting really annoying, ignoring me while he was online on twitter. Despite telling him that I didn't want to break up, he called it quits anyway. That should be done there, and I was going to move on after that. Until I talked to him in the morning (my timezone), telling him to live a good life. I thanked him for everything.

"I'll stop haunting you now."

Then he tells me that he's sorry for saying what he said, and that he got happy to receive a message from me. I forgave him because I didn't want it to end either.

Him: "Don't stop haunting me. I don't want to dispel you again, ever."

We continued talking after that, until our next breakup in December 2, Ate Kay's birthday.

Some nights before that, I messaged him. He's only "seen" them and didn't reply, despite being active on twitter. 

The school thing happened, and somehow he remembered that I existed and messaged me. But I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone after that school thing happened.

Then without any word, he just... blocked me. Everywhere. That's how it ended.

He didn't dispel my spirit. He just locked himself away from me--- no, he locked my away from him. So he could get back to his life, while I was stuck in my loss.

My Ether Host has abandoned me. Our contract has been breached without words. According to the laws of existence, this is a crime. 

For the last time, I talked to him last night. I asked him one last favor:

Tell me that you hate me. I promise I'll stop thinking about you after you say that.

Then he kept going like, "If I did, I would be lying."

Okay. So you don't hate me. But you don't love me either. In the end, you just enjoyed seeing me in pain, didn't you?

I'm so sick of the thought of him. The idea of his existence, his name, the things we mutually enjoy, the plans we made... All of it disgusts me and chokes me and makes my physically ill. 

And I can't be weak this much longer. I can't stand being weak anymore.

As an immortal spirit, I can't settle with weakness, as that will only be painful to me. And I can't be in pain for too long.

I am alive as a ghost. Being alive means we can only move forward, like time. I don't want to spend the rest of my existence regretting things and whining over something irrelevant.

I am reminded of my solitary nature. I never needed anyone. My ultimate fate is to be alone, and that's what I will be.

But that can't happen anymore, because I became a ghost.

Unlike Ciel, who lives with an immortal body, I'm an immortal spirit who can't die. 

The only way to "die" is to gain my mortality back and erase the consciousness of my spirit's will... or to reincarnate into a new form, with blank memories and perhaps a completely new personality. I could reincarnate into an entirely new form like a plant or an insect. 

I have tried to win back my mortality by living normally up to now, and I thought I found an excellent Ether Host to provide me a mortal life. But he left my spirit in its broken form, and I'm slowly recovering from it. Because unlike Ciel, I can't regenerate immediately.

Ahh. I'd rather be killed repeatedly than life the same painful and boring immortal life I'm living right now. Someday, I hope I can relate to her for being strong, too.

Strong, stubborn, and clever like Ciel... She is the woman I aspire to become, despite her flaws.