#gayyyyyyyyyyyyy

You had woken up before Sevika and it was a habit of yours to immediately walk across the room and open the balcony doors.

So here you are, a few hours later, with the doors still open. It’s well into the morning now, with the mid-day heat having yet to approach. Sevika slept much longer than you, only managing to crack her eyes open 15 minutes ago. The moment she woke up, she reached for you, pulling you into her lap without much warning. It had caught you off guard but you welcomed her nonetheless. You had forgotten how affectionate she was during the early hours of the day.

She hasn’t said much, merely holding you quietly while her head rests against your chest. It’s only when she pulls away slightly to whisper, “You’re beautiful,” when the bubble of stillness disappears.

Her palms continue to press against your skin, holding onto the flesh of your hips. The pressure is what anchors you to reality. Your brain is muddled–a normal reaction considering the night you’ve just had. You still feel like you can’t quite catch your breath despite just waking up from a restful slumber. 

“I’m groggy,” You whisper back. You can tell that it shows with how heavy your blinks are. 

You’re straddling Sevika, sitting tall in her lap, as your hands cling to her shoulders. Her back leans against the headboard and she looks just as tired, a gentle grin stretching across her face. For a second, your muscles tense while her gaze travels across every inch of you. 

“Well.” Slowly, her head tilts. “...Still beautiful.” 

Your lips press together as you attempt to suppress a smile.

You’re the first one to look away.

The house will be filled with life soon. The last time that you checked the clock, the time was nearing 9am. Everyone else waking up is inevitable. But you try to bask in your bliss for just a few moments more.

“I want it to be like this forever.” You find yourself saying. Your fingers trail from her shoulders to her breasts–resting there for lingering seconds. She shivers from your touch, sucking in a breath when you drop your hands to her stomach. Your knuckles graze the delicious ridges of her abs. “In this room–this bed. With you.”

The only missing addition is Ava.

Your heart aches with the image of Ava cuddling in this bed with you two; where the comforter is surrounded by all of her toys and the television plays whatever movie she’s chosen. 

That’s the ultimate dream for you; being happy with your family.

A part of yourself knows that it’s too soon to be feeling like this. You shouldn't be wanting to play house with Sevika—not when the two of you are still trying to get comfortable with each other again. But another part of you wonders if it’s natural to be feeling like this; especially when, as of late, you’ve been thinking that the divorce probably shouldn't have happened in the first place.

“Maybe it’s too soon to be saying stuff like this,” You continue, shaking your head as if the action itself will clear your head from such thoughts. But it doesn't. “I don't know. Am I making things…weird?” When you peer back up at Sevika, you notice that a tiny smile is playing at her lips, eyes dancing while she watches you. 

“Not weird at all.” Her grip on you tightens.

Your right hand falls over your lips; a pathetic attempt to keep your joy at bay. Or, at least, to not make it so visible. Sevika notices.

“What is it?” She whispers. 

You shake your head. “I’m just happy.”

Seconds pass as she observes you. The joy you feel must be similar to whatever she’s experiencing, because her grin is so wide that you see her breathtaking gap. She’s all eye wrinkles and dazzling pearly whites; one of the rarest sights from her within the last three years. 

And fuck…you nearly break out into worship right then, praying that you’ll be able to make her this happy for the rest of her life. 

She pulls your hand away from your face, placing it above her left breast. Her skin is warm, pulse steady.

“You feel that?” She asks.

A stretch of silence fills the air. Her heartbeat is strong and consistent. It’s neither too slow nor too fast. For a moment, you wonder if you’re hallucinating. Surely, a calm pulse isn’t something that you’d peg Sevika to have. Not with how highstrung she usually is about work; not with how highstrung she grew to be with you.

But it’s there.

“That’s all you,” She continues. Your hand is still resting on her heart. “No one else can do that for me but you.”

Sometimes, you worry that you’re scaring her away with how…eager you’ve been to rekindle things. But this is a good sign.

Sevika is wrapped up in unadulterated peace, which is apparently because of you.

Your skin tingles as you pull away from her.

Your tongue is heavy in your mouth and you swallow thickly.

“Lay down for me,” It’s more of a gentle suggestion, since you don’t want her to feel obligated. But there’s no denying your sudden hunger for her.

You hear her breath stutter as you climb down the bed further, tapping her knees before you spread her legs apart. 

Your head spins at the mere thought of having Sevika’s thighs around your head.

“Again?” There’s a small layer of awe in her voice.

You hum, practically combusting from the anticipation.

Wetness has already begun to pool between your legs; a clear indication that her feeling pleasure is what you love the most.

Sex with Sevika had always been great throughout the marriage. But it still wasn’t anything like this. The both of you enjoyed receiving pleasure just as much as you liked giving it. And although you’ve always loved being told exactly what to do to make her cum…your desire has seemed to intensify to an entirely different level lately.

“Is this okay?” You question.

“Of course it is. I always want you,” She swallows. “But are you not sore? Yesterday was…alot, angel.”

Maybe so. But you feel insatiable.

“I liked it.” You admit, lashes fluttering as last night's events flood your brain.

You loved fucking her. You loved hearing the noises she made, how her hips always stuttered right before she lost herself in bliss…how her abs tightened with each wave of euphoria.

Last night, she rode your fingers so hard that your wrist is slightly sore. 

One of her hands had been pulling at your scalp, forcing you to look at her–to watch her–while she chased her orgasm. She had driven you crazy when she continued to remind you of how perfect you were; that your fingers were made for her…that she loved how easy you were for her.

And when she came, sinking onto your hand for a long stretch of a moment, you nearly orgasmed with her. 

But then she had finally climbed off of you, her breathing labored. 

And you had still been so goddamn wet. 

You hadn’t hesitated in bringing your hands to your clit. Your fingers had still been creamy with her slick, mixing with your own as you shamelessly touched yourself. You had barely lifted your eyes to her before she shoved your hand away, grunting, “The fuck are you doing?” She spread your folds apart herself, smacking your cunt with enough force that caused your eyes to roll back. You were far too loud last night, but that seemed to spur her on further. Her mouth covered yours while she rammed into you with fingers that reached deeper than you ever thought possible, each digit perfectly thick, as she whispered about how pretty her strap would look inside of you.

The fantasies of last night are momentarily put on hold when Sevika slides down the headboard, her head coming in contact with her pillow while her legs extend. “If I hurt you, remember the code.” She says, growing sober. “You show it to me immediately. Understand?”

“Sev,” You smile smally. “I can handle it.”

And you can. She’s obviously stronger than you and there’s absolutely no way that you can gain the upper hand whenever she has you in compromising positions. But that’s the thrill of it all. That’s what makes it so…good.

And you know she loves it too, even though she’d be reluctant to admit it.

“Besides,” You add, lashes fluttering. “What if I love taking some pain with my pleasure?”

In this moment, you want her to fuck your face until your jaw aches.

Until you’re tasting her cum as it drips down your neck…

Until your frenulum is sore…

Even after the fact too, when the weight of her is so powerful that you can’t do anything but just lay there and take her.

Her pupils dilate as the grey of her irises darken. Almost as if she’s reading your thoughts, she tilts her head, clicking her tongue as she mutters, “You’ve become a filthy fucking thing, y’know that?” 

Upon her observation, your thighs press together. A satisfied hum leaves you.

With a kiss to her inner right thigh, you murmur, “Only for you.”

Her lip twitches but she doesn’t let up yet. “What’s the code? I need to know that you remember.” 

Quickly, you show her your thumb, waving it back and forth.

It was a quick nonverbal signal that could be easily done when your mouth is occupied. In situations where you could talk, the both of you agreed that the safe word was Red.

Seemingly satisfied, Sevika nods. “Good.”

You smile.

Younger you–married you–probably would have preferred sex that’s a bit more vanilla. But you’ve changed.

And Sevika has too. Because, in the past, she probably would have felt similarly, never daring to fuck you in any manner that wasn’t gentle. 

But with the way she’s currently looking at you, it’s apparent that being ‘gentle’ is the last thing on her mind.

She wets her lips, right hand coming to meet the back of your neck before she shoves you straight to her cunt.

“Go ahead, Angel. Use your mouth,” The tenderness in her husky voice deliciously juxtaposes her brute strength. “Suck first.”

And when your lips wrap around her swollen bundle of nerves, sucking just like she commands, you’re satisfied to see how her breathing falters, how her jaw clenches while she pushes you further into her…and how her large hand covers the entire backside of your neck, thick bands of her quads surrounding you.

***

You’re grateful for the cool air that brushes your skin. The temperature is considerably lower due to the previous storm, and for the first time in months, you’re wearing a jacket.

The tea in your mug is warm, serving as a portable furnace while you sit in your chair.

Your old rocking chair.

It’s been far too long since you’ve sat in it. 

You’ve managed to step away from everyone else, just needing a moment to quiet your brain.

Sevika is with Graysen, Gert and Mel in the kitchen. The distant sound of their voices still carries from inside the house. They’re making brunch, a suggestion from Mel, since everyone didn’t wake up until the late hours of the morning. Lianna and Ava were starting a movie that Mel helped them choose. When you last checked on them, they were sitting on the living room couch with groggy eyes and small bowls of blueberries.

You don’t think you’ve felt this relaxed since your dad died.

“Doing okay out here?”

Slowly, you glance to your right. Graysen peaks her head out of the door.

You smile, “More than okay.”

Your legs sit comfortably on your stool, neck supported by a pillow that you’ve grabbed from the sitting room.

For a moment, you allow yourself to dream that this has been your reality all along; that the divorce never happened. That this is just another peaceful Saturday morning with your family.

Graysen’s footsteps grow closer before she plops down in the patio chair beside you. She is wearing an old pair of Sevika’s sweats and tshirt, seemingly unaffected by the cool chill in the air.

Instead, she takes a hearty swig of her orange juice, smacking her lips obnoxiously.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She mutters. When you glance at her, you notice that she keeps her gaze forward, eyes fixed on the front yard. “You hadn’t been okay for a very long time.” She adds. Her nostrils flare.

That’s when it dawns on you that she’s growing emotional.

“So,” She clears her throat. “It means a lot for me to see you happy again.”

Your grip around your mug tightens.

She still refuses to look at you, jaw clenching and unclenching, as if she’s fighting to keep her composure. 

Your heart swells and for a split second, her gaze darts in your direction, peering at you from the corner of her eye before looking away. 

“That smile on your face is far too big,” She grunts.

You laugh. “I thought you liked seeing me this happy!”

“Yeah but still. There’s a medium that you’ve clearly crossed. How are your cheeks not hurting?”

You raise your mug to your lips, hoping that the tea dilutes some of this overwhelming joy. 

Silence takes root between you and Graysen, which you don’t mind. Instead, you allow your brain to wander to Sevika–how she probably looks heavenly while cooking in the kitchen right now.

And you think of your daughter, how she barged into your old bedroom about an hour ago and giggled in delight when she saw you and Sevika cuddling in bed. “Mommy! You’re still here!”

And then she had climbed into the bed without hesitation, nestling between you and Sevika before asking for waffles.

“I’m happy for you both, you know.” Graysen finally admits, pulling you from your reverie. “I knew it would happen but still–”

“Oh please,” You snort. “You did not. In fact, you lost 60 fucking bucks due to being so clueless.”

“No.” Her jaw ticks at the reminder. “I still thought you two would work it out. Just not as quickly as you apparently did.”

You try to put yourself in your friend's shoes, wondering how obvious you and Sevika have been about each other. You guess you’d never truly know. But that didn't seem to matter as much as everyone’s happiness for you both. It meant a lot to have your friend’s support.

Your lips rub against one another as you try to replay the memories of the past week.

How could such a short amount of time feel so long? In the best possible way…

“Would you move back here?” 

Your eyes widen. “...W-What?”

Her hands raise in defense. “I’m just curious s’all. I haven't seen you like this in years…the house makes you…” She shrugs. “Lighter? I don't know. There’s…life in you now.” 

The question makes you squirm.

You feel like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on you.

“I have my own apartment.” You defend.

“Well, I know that. I didn't mean—”

“I left everything behind in the marriage. I had nothing. I made Sev keep everything and I busted my ass for that apartment. I saved like hell and I worked harder than I ever have and it’s not like this house. But it’s home and a damn good one. I became independent and consistent and reliable and it's one of the very things that I am proud of because I did it all for Ava.”

“Hun—”

“And she likes our apartment. We’ve made the best memories there. And even though I know it’s small and just because Sev and I are trying again doesn’t mean that I should just walk away from everything I’ve built. The apartment is mine and I’m proud of it. And I don't think it would be fair of me to just immediately leave it all behind, leave all that I've built and who I’ve become behind, just to move back here—”

“Hun, I didn't mean anything by it.” Graysen reassures, her voice growing soft as she reaches out towards you. Her hand falls on your arm, squeezing it gently. “You just seem really happy here s’all. Whether you decide to keep your apartment or not, there's no specific way to go about this.”

“I shouldn’t want to move here after only one week of dating her.” Your eyes sting. “We aren’t there yet.”

…And maybe you had a bit of embarrassment about your apartment, because it was clear that Sevika is able to provide Ava with so much more than what you can. But, more importantly, the person that you became after the divorce was someone who learned so much without Sevika being there to help you. You had learned so much more in therapy than you ever thought possible. And moving back into this house, after barely even getting together with Sevika, not only felt counterproductive to your growth but scary. 

Because as you begin to think about it more, how the hell would you morph your life into hers while still managing to keep the independence you’ve worked for? And could you move back into this place in good faith, without fearing that all the lessons and hard work you’ve been through was in vain?

You blink rapidly, refusing to let any tears fall; refusing to acknowledge Graysen’s pressing stare.

Earlier today, you had been too caught up in the intoxicating fog of Sevika. You had allowed yourself to daydream about moving back into this house, remarrying Sevika and forgetting about all the heavy decisions and weight that came with making a drastic change such as that. You had been blinded with rose-colored glasses, not facing the fact that it’s truly only been one week into this relationship with Sevika…not considering the fact that Sevika might not even be ready for such a change herself–that the both of you may never be ready for such a change.

Your heart hammers while your brain floods with an ocean of realizations.

What if there came a point where the two of you couldn't agree? Where you didn't feel comfortable moving back here and Sevika wouldn't want to move to you? What then? Would the pair of you continue to date each other? Continue with the split custody of Ava while keeping separate homes?

What was the point in doing that?

What was the meaning behind all of this? The end goal? 

Of course you and Sevika loved each other. Of course the pair of you had agreed to try again. But what about after today? 

In 5 years? 

In 10 years?

Certainly not a…marriage.

Not after you had messed everything up the first time around. Not after you nearly lost her permanently.

“Hey,” Graysen tugs your arm. “I know that look. Don't do that.”

“I’m not doing anything other than thinking rationally.”

“You’re catastrophizing.”

“No, I'm thinking what the fuck did I just get myself into.”

“...You’re happy and it's scaring you. Don’t get in your head. Don’t run.”

“I’m not running. I’m—”

“You’re backtracking. This is what you do. You deny yourself what you know you want. Because you’d rather be scared than to be hurt.”

“Look–I’m fine.” Your voice is shrill, unfamiliar to your ears and a few notches louder than you originally intended.

Graysen is looking at you with glossy eyes. She inhales sharply through her nose, lashes growing wet from her continuous blinks, before she exhales.

“You’re getting scared. And I think it’s because you secretly want to be here too,” She states slowly, as if she’s worried that she’ll catch you off guard again. You flinch from the cut of her words, because she couldn't be any more correct. You hate how clearly she can see through to you. But it's also the reason why you love her. “And there's nothing wrong with that. You need to figure out what moving back here means for you…what it means for Sevika and Ava too. That's a heavy weight to bear right now. And that's understandable because I shouldn't have even asked. It’s too soon to seriously think about such a thing so I apologize because that's on me.” 

Her hand travels down your forearm, intertwining your fingers with hers. 

“But don't let fear win. She loves you and if you decide to keep your apartment, she’ll continue to love you. Hell, she might even move in with you.” Graysen chuckles.

Your body stiffens, “Do you really think she’d do that?”

“I think that you're probably more of a home to her than a piece of property ever could be,” Graysen shrugs, as if that's the most obvious answer. “Wherever you go, she’ll be right there with you. As long as you want her to be.”

Your mouth twists as you try to wrap your brain around that.

Although you hope that's the truth, that doesn't negate the fact that this house holds memories that are unforgettable—both the good and the bad. You're not sure if you could ever ask Sevika to give up this place; even if it meant her moving into your apartment. She's already suffered enough from the divorce.

No.

You absolutely couldn't do that to her.

Your brain jumps back to this morning, how you and Ava had cuddled in your old bedroom, watching cartoons on the television while Sevika showered. It was such an ordinary moment, but it felt like something so much bigger. It felt like washing ashore after surviving a shipwreck. It felt like the first sunny day of spring; like becoming whole again after experiencing an agonizing period of soul-searching.

And that scared you.

It scared you way more than you’d like to admit. Because although you're feeling all of these things, you weren't sure if Sevika was on the same page as you.

She was more protective of her heart, within good reason, so you didn't want to scare her. 

And even though she's beginning to let down her walls again, you fear that she’ll somehow break your heart. 

You fear that you’ll eventually be willing to fully come back to her—to this place—just for it to bite you in the ass. You fear the possibility of leaving your old life behind—the apartment and independence and strength that you’ve grown to appreciate—just to end up shattered once again.

Graysen is right, it's entirely too soon to be worrying about such a thing.

But it's also too soon to want to come back to this place; to want to fully become Sevika’s and submerge yourself into her world again.  And yet, here you are, desperately wanting to do that despite your bone-chilling fear.

So, for the first time since all of this began, you truly understand Sevika.You had always related to her cautiousness but never at this magnitude.

Somehow, you've fallen deeper in love with her, which you never thought was possible. 

And that scares the shit out of you.

***

“Are you going to sleep over with Mama again?” Ava whispers to you. Her head is nestled against your neck as you readjust her on your hip. You find yourself biting the inside of your cheek due to her question.

The pair of you are on the back porch, taking in the beauty of the backyard foliage. It’s only a small moment that you wanted with her. You’re not sure how much time has passed but it’s certainly been longer than what you told Mel. 

“You mean tonight?” You ask.

Ava nods. “Like Auntie Graysen and Mel.”

Your muscles tighten.

Your brain struggles to process a quick enough reply.

“Lianna always says how she kisses her mommies goodnight when it’s bedtime.” Ava’s grip tightens around your neck. “Auntie Graysen and Auntie Mel have a bedroom together. Lianna says it’s funny that you and Mama don’t.”

Your throat tightens.

“Does that bother you?” You rasp. “That Mama and I don’t share a room?”

Ava shrugs, nestling further into your neck. “Sometimes. I like it when you’re here with me and Mama…Even though she makes you act kinda silly.”

You bite back a laugh. “Oh yeah? What do you mean?”

Ava hesitates. Then, “It’s like when Auntie Graysen, Auntie Mel and Auntie Gert make you laugh and you smile too big.” Ava lifts her head to demonstrate, pulling her lips into an adorable grin. “Or that one day that me and Lianna made you the surprise cake with Auntie Mel. You kind of look like that around Mama. Except all the time around her.” She pauses, her smile faltering. “Well it’s like that now. But before, I remember that Mama used to make you sad. I’m glad that she doesn’t anymore.”

Your heart drops to your stomach.

You don’t know what to say.

You aren’t sure how to navigate this conversation or even how to move away from it.

You never thought you’d be discussing something like this with Ava–not so soon.

You always prayed that you would at least have a few more years before she brought up your separation with Sevika. And a small part of you hoped that her child psychologist had been correct, that she would be the small percentage of children to forget about these past few years as she grew older–that she wouldn’t remember the pain and heartache and chaos that the divorce entailed.

But sometimes kids do remember.

Sometimes, kids notice far more than one could ever be prepared for.

And you don’t feel ready for this; for her questions and her honesty and her painfully accurate observations.

You wished that she could have had Lianna’s early childhood–that she could have been more innocent and carefree and ignorant to the dark tribulations of parental separation. You wish, more than anything, that you could have given that to her. 

But instead, you’re stuck with this. Stuck trying to help her through her confusion. Stuck trying to piece together a situation that should have never occurred. 

Stuck with no answers.

“Mama used to be sad too,” She murmurs, eyes downcast. “Sometimes I would hear her cry at night.”

Your hold around her tightens as your mind swims. You try to gain your bearings; to appear unaffected despite feeling the complete opposite. 

“I heard Mama talk with Auntie Mel about you sometimes. She would say that she missed you and still loved you. I like that you both are not mad at each other anymore. It’s like when Annie and Hal helped their mommy and daddy stop being mad at each other!” Ava brings her gaze upwards. Before you can fully register what she’s saying, she asks, “Do you love Mama too?”

“Yes, I do. More than anything in the world.” You shift your weight. “I love her as much as I love you. And I’m sure I missed her just as much as she missed me.”

Ava’s eyes widen. “Really?”  

You smile through your tears. “Of course. She gave me you after all.” Ava giggles when you lean forward to brush your nose against hers. “Sometimes we meet special people in our lives that we can love forever and ever. Like how Auntie Mel is Auntie Graysen’s special person.”

Ava tilts her head and in that moment, you're stunned by her striking similarity to Sevika. She’s always had similar features but her mannerisms now feel closer to Sevika than you ever thought possible. 

“So Mama is your special person?” Ava concludes. Her big round eyes sparkle.

“Yeah,” You laugh, heart skipping at the question. You had never thought of Sevika in this way but God could it not be anymore true. “Mama’s my special person.”

Ava’s grin widens. 

“And I do love being here with you and Mama,” You admit. “...But I don’t want Mama to feel too crowded so I’d only stay another night if she’s fine with that, okay?”

Her joy is infectious, causing you to mirror her as another laugh escapes you.

“If you sleep over here more, Lianna and I can be like Annie and Hal! We can make you and Mama dinner. But we have to get a boat first…Maybe Auntie Gert can help us. And then you and Mama can get married!”

You choke on your saliva. “W-What?” 

“It’s perfect!”

“What’s perfect?” 

You jump, whipping your head around to find Sevika peeking her head out of the patio door.

You barely have time to respond before Ava shouts, “You and Mommy getting married!”

Oh my god.

Sevika freezes, her posture straightening as she sucks in a breath.

You can’t even look at her.

“That’s not what I–” But you cut yourself off, unsure of how to explain yourself. “It’s nothing. Seriously.”

Because the last thing you need is for Sevika to be scared away.

At this point in time, that would probably be your worst fear.

“Like Hal and Annie,” Ava offers. “They help their mommy and daddy stop being mad at each other. And then their parents get married. You and Mommy can get married too, since Mommy says she likes being here and that you are her special person.”

“That’s…” You trail off, not able to deny Ava’s statements.

Because…well, it’s not like she’s wrong.

But still.

This isn’t the time.

“Who’s this Annie and Hal that you keep talking about?” You question, desperate to find an escape.

“From Parent Trap!” Ava peers at you as if you’ve just asked the silliest question ever.

A breathy titter leaves you. In complete disbelief, you glance at Sevika. She marvels at the both of you with a gentle smile.

“Auntie Gert likes that movie. Lianna and I watched it with her last week,” Ava goes on.

Your tongue clicks and you shake your head.

Of course they did.

Sevika meets your eyes. 

Her two front teeth sink into her lower lip. 

You think about all the kisses you’ve shared with her earlier this morning; how her pillow-y soft lips felt against yours.

It’s such a miniscule memory but it causes something to stir within you.

She’s beautiful.

“Parent trap, huh?” She muses, gaze never leaving you. “Isn’t that movie like, 30 years old now?”

Sevika opens the patio door further, stepping through the threshold at a languid pace.

There hadn’t been much distance between you and her to begin with, but now you truly feel the weight of her close proximity. For some odd reason, you feel incredibly vulnerable; like Ava’s rambling has exposed you.

You shift your weight to your left foot, then right, then left again.

You figure that Sevika will stop at some point, maybe a few feet away, or at least once she reaches arm's length. But she doesn’t.

Instead she just draws closer and closer and closer.

To the point that it causes Ava to giggle uncontrollably, sending a wave of fuzzy warm feelings throughout your body.

“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to, like,” You swallow thickly, mind clouding due to her presence. “Invade your life here. I don’t want to overstay my welcome or for you to feel any pressure about all of this. And although I know what Ava just said was the complete opposite, please just know that the marriage talk was definitely unwarranted and surprisi–”

“Unwarranted?” Sevika mutters. She reaches for you, both hands cupping your cheeks. Her thumbs, perfectly placed against your cheekbones, swipe your skin with startling delicacy. 

“...And Ava had just brought it up when you happened to appear so I’m not like, planting this seed of us ever doing that because I understand it’s way too soon to be thinking about stuff like that and even if it was possible, it would be absolutely scary and after all that’s happened, something like that might not be in the cards for us. I mean, this is already a lot as it is and I absolutely understand if that’s something you don’t even want to think about right now because, well, it’s not like–”

“This morning, you told me that you could be here with me forever if I wanted that.” She mutters. Her cool breath fans your face. “...Is that truly how you feel?”

Your lips part. “...What?”

“Were you just buttering me up or is that true?” And she peers at you with a softness that nearly disembodies you right there. “Because if it is, then you should know that I don’t care if you invade every square foot of this house. I want you here. I want you to take up all the space you desire.”

You rapidly blink away your tears. “You don’t mean that.”

“I absolutely do.” She nods, resting her forehead against yours.

You ruminate over the words that Graysen muttered to you earlier today:

Wherever you go, she’ll be right there with you. As long as you want her to be.

You want to jump for the moon while also simultaneously melt into a puddle. 

You know you should say something–say anything to agree with her. Internally, you do agree with her. You’re well aware of the ache inside of your chest that is begging you to slowly reintroduce yourself to a life with her.

But you can’t quite leap for that right now.

No matter how much you want to, there’s an overpowering knot in your gut that twists with fear. And the knot feels too powerful to ignore.

Sevika pulls away to observe you–watching you watch her. 

Her silence is kind. Painfully kind.

“Unless you didn’t mean it,” She ponders. “Which, if you didn’t, I understand. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the moment.”

No. That’s not it at all.

You want to tell her that you meant it; that this morning had been the best morning you’ve had in years. That you truly would be at bliss if you were told that you needed to permanently reside at this house from now on. 

But that fear…

God, that fear within you is so vicious.

“What is it?” She murmurs, searching your features. “What’s happened in the span of a few hours for you to change your mind?”

Her hands catch each teardrop as they begin to fall from your eyes. Her brows furrow from your growing distress.

And you realize that she doesn't deserve to experience such confusion.

In fact, she deserves nothing but transparency and honesty.

“I’m scared.” You admit.

Her breathing stutters as realization dawns on her face. 

“I want these things with you that I shouldn't want so early on,” You clarify. “And it scares me.”

You get it now. 

The fear that she’s had all this time; the fact that nearly 24 hours ago she was begging you to never leave her. You understand it.

You don't think you’d be able to fully recover from a breakup again. Maybe you’d survive it but you would forever be scarred if you had to live the rest of your life without this. Without her.

“I’ve somehow fallen even deeper in love with you.” You explain. “It just feels so fragile and would be all the more devastating if I were to lose you.”

Her features soften as she gives her head a subtle shake.

She appears to be slightly puzzled by your confession and her throat bobs while she swallows, digesting your words slowly.

Then, finally, she whispers, “Baby, I’m not going anywhere. You've ruined me for anyone else.” 

She utters this like it's the most obvious admission.

She dips down to meet your gaze better. A few short wispy hairs brush against her temples and her undivided attention leaves a staggering effect.

You feel inclined to lean forward, raising on your tip toes to press your lips against hers. 

She mumbles something incomprehensible against your lips. Then she's pressing down to meet you with more force. The emotions that you feel are too convoluted, with your fear and passion and love and comfort all being tangled together into a big ball of angst. All you know is that despite your panic, she’s the only one that can truly wash it all away. 

“This is yucky!” Ava exclaims. You're gasping for air when you break the kiss, shocked by her interruption. Ava is patting your arm, a clear indication that she wants to be out of your hold. “...Almost as yucky as Auntie Mel and Graysen kissing.” She grumbles.

As you let her down, a muffled chuckle sounds from Sevika.

“Sorry, bug.” You mumble, struggling to suppress your own amusement.

Ava doesn't reply, hurrying back into the house without a reply. Her footfalls are fast, hitting the floor with quickening speed the farther away she gets. You bite the inside of your cheek, hand falling over your lips in an attempt to hide your smile.

This moment encapsulates what the younger version of yourself always dreamt of; peaceful days with Sevika while your daughter runs around the house carefree.

It was a dream that the divorce quickly shattered; something that you never thought would ever come true.

And yet, here you are.

Sevika’s touch is gentle, a simple graze that pulls you back to reality. But then it becomes more present, her nose nudging your neck as she dips down further. When she inhales, her chest expands and you feel the thud of her heartbeat as she presses against you. It’s a long drag, the way she smells you while her arms cling onto the curve of your hips. She nestles into you further, slowly exhaling before breathing you in again.

Your eyes flutter and your mouth pools and all you can think is holy shit.

You don’t think you could ever get used to this–the way that Sevika disembodies you in the simplest ways. Her habit to cuddle you, to sniff and rub and caress, was not new. But even before, you don’t remember her being so…ardent for you. It’s intoxicating. 

A low hum settles at the base of her throat and she grips you tighter, thumbs kneading into your love handles. 

“Stay another night?” She mumbles, voice muffled. Her breath is hot against your throat and you find yourself wrapping your arms around her neck, trying your best to stabilize yourself.

And then you feel the press of her lips.

Your knees buckle at the gesture, and you almost believe that she smiles from your reaction, but your brain is too muddled to know for sure. All you can focus on is the pressure of her soft lips, how they suck just the way you like before she presses her tongue flatly over your flesh. She sucks and blows and sucks some more, eliciting a gasp from you, before you feel a sharp pang with the perfect amount of pressure. Her teeth.

“Don’t go home tonight.” She whispers, retracting her lips from your neck. “We can pull out those board games you used to like. They’re still in storage. I’ll make some stew, give you a nice massage. I’ve already thrown another load of your old clothes in the washer…” She whispers. Then you feel the glide of her nose again, which nearly causes your heart to grow wings and flutter away. “Just one more night baby.”

You wonder if this is a dream that you’ve somehow conjured up. It feels too good to be true to have Sevika begging you like this.  

You swallow thickly, taking much longer than usual to process her words.

“You sure I’m not crowding you out?” You rub your lips together in contemplation. It’s not like you planned to stay this long anyway. Sevika had become an impromptu host last night, with the unexpected storm and all. Although you’re positive she didn’t mind, it still wasn’t in the original plan. It was only supposed to be a barbecue. And now, merely 24 hours later, you and your friends are still residing in her house. 

As if on cue, there’s a Gert-like cackle that echoes from within the house. Then–girly childlike giggles, surely coming from Ava and Lianna.

“You’ve had a full house for a while now,” You continue. “I wouldn’t be mad if you needed a little alone time…”

“Well, I’m not exactly asking for our friends to join us.” She smiles gently. “Just my girls.”

And you allow the tenderness of her words to fully latch onto your heart.

You and Ava.

…Her girls.

You haven’t heard her say that since Ava was born.

Your muscles unspool and you smile back, heart hammering and head spinning.

God, this is perfect.

You want to remember this day forever.

“Okay.” Is all you can reply.

Her eyes brighten. “Yeah?”

“I was kind of hoping you would ask but I didn’t want you to feel pressured to.” You find yourself saying. A laugh full of mirth escapes you. “Being here with you and Ava…It’s nice.”

She looks as if you’ve knocked the wind out of her. 

Pleased and breathless, she hums in satisfaction. 

Then she meets you with a kiss.

***

The following days blur together in the best way.

When the evening arrives–when you’re off of work and Sevika isn’t preoccupied with the Shop–you find yourself feeling the most at peace. Because you know that you’ll be spending your evenings with her.

Gone are the nights when you’d cry yourself to sleep, wishing you could turn back time.

Gone are the nights filled with heartbreak and yearning.

You end up staying with her for three more days before you have to go back home. It was early morning when you had finally gotten ready. You were wearing some of your old clothes that Sevika had washed, but you would have to stop home to change, since today was your first day back at work. You were surprised when Sevika had already packed you breakfast for the road, handing you one of her Hydro-Mugs filled with tea. 

You were flattered, showering her with kisses which made her snicker underneath her breath.

The bubble of bliss, however, shattered slightly when you picked up Ava. 

“Say bye to Mama,” You had said. 

The air had grown silent, causing you to blink up at Sevika in confusion.

She chewed her toast silently, eyebrows furrowed. “You’re taking her?”

“...Yes? Do you not want me to?”

“Well…Um, I was hoping to take her with me to the Shop, maybe go get some ice–”

“Oh my god.” Your free hand flew to your forehead, jaw falling slack. “It’s your week. I’m so sorry. I completely lost track of…”

Time.

Your gut plummeted at the realization.

And just like that–reality struck you.

For a short moment, you had forgotten about the custody order.

You had even let the divorce find solace in the back of your mind. It was like everything in the past had dissipated.

Like the only important things in your life was the present; you, Sevika and your daughter.

But that wasn’t entirely true. Because, whether you wanted to accept it or not, the custody agreement did exist. And Sevika was right, ideally, she should have the day with Ava.

You feel like a cold bucket of water has been dumped on you. 

“No, you’re fine. I know it’s been–”

“I have to get going. I have a lot of work to do today.” You say. Quickly, you set Ava back on the ground before kissing her cheek. Then you’re raising on your toes to do the same with Sevika. 

“Wait,” Her hands grab your wrist. “It’s okay. Really. You can just come back here after work and have dinner with us, we–”

“I’ll let you know. I have to go, I don’t want to be late.” And you slightly tug away from her. Her grip loosens. “I love you both!”

Then you had left, not giving her time to reply. 

The slip up was minor. But it still hurts to be reminded of such a major aspect in your life that you had forgotten. 

For your entire shift, you do your best to focus on your work. The routine behind all of your data files brings you peace and helps you reground yourself.

And when lunch rolls around, you find yourself feeling like you again. Of course Sevika’s heartwarming note that she put with your food helps a lot, but you also genuinely feel like your emotions from this morning may have become slightly bigger than necessary.

Your shoulders feel lighter when you finally get off of work. It’s easier to relax on the drive back to your apartment, windows rolled down due to the slight chill in the air.  You’re excited to decompress. You’ll go home, change, then immediately call Sevika. Your apology is already rampantly running through your brain as you pull onto your driveway.

But your breath stutters when you see that Sevika’s truck is parked in front of your place. 

You freeze, mind reeling at the reflection of her vehicle in your sideview mirror. 

“What the…” 

Upon stepping out of your car, her driver door opens seconds later. You hadn’t been able to see her due to the tint of her windows, but she’s definitely recognizable in her muscle tank, faded jeans and utility boots. 

“What are you doing here?” Your skin tingles as you make your way over to her. 

She’s already opening the door to the backseat, in which you hear a joyful, “Mommy!”

“I assume you didn’t see my texts,” Sevika answers. She unbuckles Ava’s carseat with ease, as if it’s second nature. “I told you this morning, before you so kindly ran off, we’re having dinner.”

Your lips part in surprise. 

Ava gets out of her carseat eagerly–and swiftly thanks to Sevika–before she bolts towards you. You puff out a gust of air when she collides into you, wrapping her arms around your legs.

“We missed you!” She squeals.

Your eyes widen. “I-” But you don’t know what to say.

You don’t know what you can say.

“But I was going to come to you guys,” You finally explain. “I just needed to shower first. I had a whole thing planned. An endearing apology. Tak–”

“Apology?” Sevika raises her eyebrows, slinging a black duffel bag over her shoulder. She also holds a bright pink unicorn backpack. “For what?”

“For…being weird? Leaving without a proper goodbye? Forgetting that this is your week with Ava?” You shrug. “So many things. I just…it threw me off. It felt like we were in a little bubble and then it popped. I completely lost track of the week because we’ve been spending so much time together. And when you mentioned it, I felt like I had been pulled back into reality and it was a little jarring to think about going back to the custody agreement when we spent days not even worrying about it–”

“You don’t need to be sorry for that.” Sevika finally reaches you, index finger coming up to brush your chin. “I understand. It’s hard when we’re reminded of the divorce. But you don’t need to run anymore.” She tilts your chin, her lips hovering merely inches away from yours. “I promise you, I’m not going anywhere as long as you want me here. And I don’t necessarily believe that you deserve to beat yourself up over our past anymore. We have a say in how we want things to be from now on.” And she kisses you.

It’s short-lived, an agreement that the pair of you had made due to Ava’s presence. Your daughter had avidly expressed her disgust when you and Sevika kissed (a few times when Mel and Graysen did as well) so it was something that you had become more mindful of. But even though it was short, it still had the desired effect like any other kiss.

“And the custody agreement…we can totally talk through that, y’know.” She hums. “Rearrange some things…it would only make sense, right?”

You sigh softly, utterly shocked and happy and gone for her.

All you can do is nod. 

“I’m hungry.” Ava whines, tugging the material of your slacks.

“Oh, me too.” Sevika replies, pulling away from you to shoot a smile at your daughter. 

You follow them up your driveway, taking out your house key immediately.

“What’s with the bags?” You ask, eying Sevika’s duffel as your hand finds the small of her back. You allow it to rest there for a few moments, enjoying the divots of her muscles before your finger loosely hooks onto one of her belt loops. Swiftly, you hand her your house key.

Sevika unlocks your door first before answering. “As much as I’d love the idea of wearing your clothes tonight, I don’t exactly think they’d fit.”

Then she’s stepping into your apartment. 

That’s when you realize…

Ava’s overnight bag

Her duffel…

Your eyes widen.

“You’re staying the night?” And you feel embarrassed by the obvious layer of excitement in your voice.

“Of course. Did you think we’d allow you to be alone tonight?” She heels out of her boots, dropping the bags on the floor. Ava lets go of Sevika’s hand, running into the apartment and (presumably) towards her room.  “It’s a fucking Tuesday too. Who wants to be away from their family on a Tuesday?”

You bite back a laugh, rubbing your lips together as you close your door and bolt it shut.

Sevika is already helping you out of your shoes, placing them near hers when you suggest, “How does chinese takeout sound?”

*** 

You shift in your seat as Felicia stares back at you with wide silver eyes.

The silence drags on and on and on.

Then she’s reaching forward to grab her water bottle, taking long hearty gulps.

“I know it’s not what you were expecting.” You say, wincing at the understatement. “I wasn’t either. I don’t know, I think it had been building up for all those years–my feelings towards her–and then it all exploded out of me one night, exactly as you said it would.”

Felicia nods along, seemingly unable to respond as she taps her pen against her desk.

“I confessed it all to her after she told me that she and Hazel had broken up. I wanted to get everything off of my chest, to finally be 100% open and honest with her. I didn’t necessarily want anything to come out of it. I was just tired of holding everything in.” You explain. “And…well, I was shocked when I realized that she felt the same. And ever since, it’s just been…” You trail off, struggling to find the correct verbiage. “It’s like we’re getting to know each other again. Becoming acquainted with the old parts of ourselves along with the new. It’s nice.”

Felicia ponders for a few more seconds, processing everything you’re saying with the best composure that one can have in such a moment. But you can definitely tell that she’s shocked.

The air is filled with the low hum of her humidifier, her trademark scent of lemon slightly palpable as you wait patiently.

You’ve nearly gone two weeks without meeting her because even if you tried to tell yourself otherwise, you knew that this was a big deal.

Felicia had been very understanding when you rescheduled this session a little while ago, which relieved you because you had never done such a thing before.

And you were kind of glad you did, because your falling out with Mel had been a lot to deal with. You weren't sure that you would have had the mental capacity to even talk about any of this with Felicia two weeks ago, nevertheless last week. You needed that time to process it by yourself before you could bring this to her.

“Am I making a huge mistake?” You can't help but ask. Your ears pick up on the tiny hint of desperation in your voice.

It would take some persuasion on her end in order for you to outright admit it, but a part of you didn't want to disappoint Felicia. Of course you didn't want to ruin any progress and healing that you've been making within the last few years, but you also didn't want her to somehow think lowly of you. 

You respect Felicia. Tremendously so. She has seen you at your worst and somehow helped you through the toughest point in your life. She has talked wisdom and dignity and honesty and life back into you—something that no one else has ever been able to do.

So, naturally, you also worry about her genuine feelings towards your life updates. 

And, well, maybe that's another reason you were postponing this session with her.

“No.” She replies, keeping her gaze level while she sends you a gentle smile. “I don't think you're making a mistake at all.”

Your chest warms at the sincerity of her words.

“I’m telling you this off-book, fyi.” She prefaces. “But I’m not only happy for you. I’m relieved.”

Your eyes widen. “Wait. W-What?”

“I was beginning to worry that the two of you wouldn't ever reconcile.”

Owlishly, you blink at her. “Really?”

“Of course. When you first started your sessions with me and we began to unpack your life and your marriage, I quickly pieced together how hasty and grief-driven the divorce was. Even during those months, I wondered if you would call me before the next session to tell me that you were cutting ties and getting back together with Sevika.” Her grin widens a bit more. “And, rightfully so, I think I hoped that would happen, minus the part where you quit therapy. I’ve always told past clients of mine that when it comes to ending relationships with people, it's important to get to the root cause. Is it truly because you think it's best to end the relationship with them, or were you running from something? Avoiding something? Scared of something?”

Her gaze breaks from you, instead traveling down to her hands. “...And within the three years that I’ve come to know you, you’ve never voiced that you wanted to truly end your relationship with Sevika. There was always something else, some other reason, you would talk about. Whether it be about your father or your struggles with fertility or even your depression. Additional factors that can put a strain on relationships, for sure. But…the sole reason, even when I had you dig deep, never could truly lead back to Sevika…even with her grief and mental health decline considered.”

You had already come to realize that your divorce with Sevika hadn't occurred because of Sevika herself. There had been a multitude of really bad days and circumstances thrown at you, which you didn't have the knowledge or resources to healthily navigate at the time. Plus, your youth and lingering innocence hadn't helped. Sevika didn't know how to handle her grief, how to communicate and sit with her feelings in a way that wouldn't negatively impact herself and everyone around her; in a way that hadn't completely shut you out and left you feeling alone. 

And you hadn't known how to navigate your own grief— the grief of your father and your miscarriage and the overall loss that was impacting your marriage—nevertheless help carry Sevika’s. So when Sevika had finally come around, when she had apologized and tried to make it right and carry the load of everything for the both of you, you didn't let her. You had still been so hurt, unable to process and deal with it all in productive ways. You hadn't yet attended therapy like she had, so you weren't in the same place mentally that Sevika had been in. 

You wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt you. And you didn't know how to forgive her, how you could forgive her,  when all the bad things the two of you had gone through were still resting heavy on your shoulders. You were unhappy. And, at that time, the only thing you knew that could be a sure escape to such a situation was a divorce. 

It had been a cry for help. A decision that, deep down inside, you never thought you would truly follow through with. But it was the decision that, simultaneously, had caused Sevika to lose all hope. And just when you wished that she would talk you off of the ledge, just when you wished that she could come up with some solution to solve everything in a way that made sense for you, just when you had wished that she would do anything but sign those damn papers, she had done the opposite. 

It wasn't until months after the divorce, when you had begun therapy yourself, when you had the devastating realization about how much you had truly fucked up. Sevika had done what she could to stop such an outcome from happening. She had tried to make things right with you, she had put all of her therapy tools to work. And each time, you had denied her the opportunity, shutting her out even further. Moving bedrooms. Refusing to accept her apologies as you drowned deeper into your depression and hurt and sorrow.

And when you finally had the same therapy tools, it was too late. The pair of you had been separated for nearly a year at that point, living on the opposite ends of town, with a finalized divorce and custody agreement in place. That's when you surmised that you probably could never get Sevika back. And the best thing to do was to move on. 

You hadn't realized that, through it all, Felicia had seen through you so clearly. She had always pushed for you to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Sevika. She would constantly say that it was for the betterment of your healing journey; that clarity and reconciliation would positively impact Ava’s childhood, your overall health and your co-parenting relationship with Sevika. But, not until now, had you known about any other reason as to why she was so adamant about it.

“I think that you deserve this.” Felicia continues. “This happiness you feel right now, this peace? It’s well overdue. Let those feelings take root within you. Appreciate them. This is the time where you can fully relax.”

Your eyes begin to sting as her advice clings to your heart strings.

Happiness.

Peace.

Certainly, these are words that feel quite foreign to you, especially when spoken in one breath. 

But they’re the only words that can describe your days with Sevika and Ava.

“You deserve this. You know that, right?” Felicia ponders, lifting her eyes to meet yours again. “That self-punishing cycle of repentance and guilt is not productive nor necessary anymore. Of course introspection and humility is always a part of the lived human experience. But this amazing thing is happening to you and yet you're in front of me, worrying that I’m going to condemn you for it. I know that you felt like this was out of reach. And I've grown to realize that no matter how much I told you otherwise, no one could ever truly change your mind but yourself.” She shakes her head at you knowingly, in which you laugh.

“But,” She continues. “I do hope you realize that this was never out of reach for you. Ever. You just needed to get out of auto-pilot and see that you have the control. And for the foreseeable future, you now get to choose to enjoy every waking day with your family.”

For a few seconds, you believe that her eyes have become increasingly glossy. And your breath catches when you notice how rapidly she's blinking. But the moment is gone before you can fully process it.

“You and Sevika did what you could with what you had. You hadn't known any better.” Felicia concludes. “Life threw the two of you a great deal of things within such a small time frame. The problems you were facing would overwhelm and challenge anyone, nevertheless a young newlywed couple. You're human. You made mistakes. You learned from them. Now, all you can do is live. Be happy that you have this second chance. Be grateful that you have more tools and knowledge than you did the first time around. And let yourself move forward from all of this.”

You wipe the free-falling tears from your cheeks, sniffing as you croak, “Y’know…Sevika said something somewhat similar a few days ago.”

Felicia laughs. 

We have a say in how we want things to be from now on.

That day replays in your mind once again: how Sevika and Ava surprised you at your apartment, the way Sevika had so readily embraced you. How she had murmured those words to you, her eyes dancing with sincerity before she kissed you. And then the three of you spent the night in your apartment, Sevika hanging some of her clothes in your closet while you and Ava watched the television from your bed. 

The following days felt similiar—a blur of laughter and cuddles and peace and love. 

So much love.

“I’m starting to realize that moving forward is the hardest part. I think it’s from a fear of what’s next. Like, where do we go from here?”

Felicia tilts her head. “Where do you want to go from here?” 

And you don't think you’ve been asked that question yet.

There's been a whole lot of assumptions of where you should be going. Ideally, somewhere in the distant future, a situation where you and Sevika are co-habiting again; where you're raising Ava as a unit in love instead of as co-parents. 

And although that sounds nice, although it feels right, the timeline of it all is what freaks you out. The details of how to get there is what seems harrowing.

When you express that to Felicia, she simply nods.

“That's because your brain hasn't caught up to your heart yet. It’s only been two weeks of you rekindling with her. You're definitely not in the place to be putting a pressure like this on yourself. How about you just focus on the present for now? And when you can think about the possible future without triggering a panic attack, we can revisit such a question. Try the grounding techniques we use to talk about. Whe-”

“But ruminating myself into a panic attack is kind of my shtick. C’mon Fel, I thought you knew that by now.”

She rolls her eyes, another laugh leaving her as smile lines appear. “...And maybe your friends can help you stay in the moment more. Do they know about your relationship with Sevika?”

And suddenly, you're reminded that you hadn't quite updated Felicia on everything. 

“Yeah…about that. “ A snicker escapes you. “We initially hadn't told them and it kind of had the opposite effect than we intended. Especially with Mel. Shit sort of…hit the fan to be honest. I mean, it's all okay now. But for a moment I really got scared that Sevika and I’s decision had negatively changed the dynamic of our friend group. More importantly, my friendship with Mel.”

Felicia’s posture straightens. She leans forward, elbows resting against her desk as her ears visibly perk up. “What do you mean?”

***

Autumn is right around the corner on the day that your car breaks down and the anxiety that floods you is overwhelming.

“No,” You mumble, reinserting your key in the ignition. “Don’t do this. Not now.”

But your car doesn’t budge.

Cars honk behind you due to the green light.

Your eyes begin to prickle with tears.

“No, no, no…”

Traffic zooms past you on both sides, locking you inside of your car. It’s too dangerous to try and step out. 

The last time this happened, you had to pay more money than you ever thought possible, which drained your savings (and consequently took forever to build up again).

At that moment, your mom calls again, causing your heart to stop.

“Mom,” You wince. “I’m sorry…I know. My car just broke down–”

“What?”

“I need to call to get it off the road. I–”

“Are you okay?”

You can tell she’s panicking.

“...And I need to call Sev to let her know. She’ll be wondering…God.”

“Sev?” Your mom pauses. Then, “Oh, do you think she’d tow for you? Maybe take a look at it–”

“The shop.”

And that’s when it dawns on you.

Of course–that was it.

The last time this happened, you and Sevika hadn’t been on good enough terms for you to feel comfortable enough to ask such a favor. But things are much different now than a year ago. She wasn’t just someone that you could go to for help; she was so much more.

“Do you want me to call her?” Your mom continues. “Not that I’d think she’d ever tell you no but I know that sometimes the two of you can be a bit…short with one another–”

“No!” You cut her off before you can think better of it. “Um, I mean, I can do it. I don’t mind.”

You wince, remembering once again that you have yet to inform your mom about the recent developments between you and Sevika. You’ve been wanting to tell her, especially the last few times that she has called. But time has been passing by so fast and life has been so busy lately...

Then, within the blink of an eye, the day had arrived to pick your mom up from the airport. She had flown in for Mel and Graysen’s vow renewal ceremony. It was a plan that she confirmed with you over a month ago but it still feels like you need more time.

More time with Sevika before telling your mom; more time in this peaceful little bubble before it’s popped.

“Can I call you back?” You ask. “I’ll see if Gert is available to get you while I’m dealing with this.”

“And interrupt her day?” Your mom sounds baffled. “I can just Uber to your place, you know.”

Oh god–your apartment!

You’ve spent most of this week at Sevika’s house, which means that you’ve barely had time to settle into your own place, nevertheless prepare it for your mother’s visit.

“Don’t do that. It’s–everything will be fine. Stay at the airport for now. Please.”

Before your mom can say anything further, you hang up.

***

When your car is fixed, you’re relieved. Your brain is in overdrive from watching countless episodes of a cartoon show on Ava’s tablet. Your stomach is filled with bottles of lukewarm water and hotdogs (that the workers were kind enough to offer you on their lunch break). 

Ava sits on your right hip, her head resting on your shoulder while she silently looms in and out of sleep.

Throughout your wait in the lobby, you’ve noticed the receptionists discreetly looking at you and whispering to each other. But their gazes are more pressing when Gert advances towards you.

“Do you owe them money or something?” Your mom mutters, lowering her voice so only you can hear. You know that she’s referring to the desk workers: a pair of girls that look several years younger. They seem nosy at best, strangely attuned to your presence the moment that Gert dropped you and your Mom off at the shop. But they were harmless.

“Maybe we’re the most entertainment that they’ve received all day,” You mumble back, which causes your mother to snicker. Gert seems to hear the tailend of your comment, shooting you a quizzical look as she stops in front of you.

Mom juts her chin towards the receptionists, “Your desk cronies haven’t stopped staring at us since we’ve arrived. That wouldn't do well for your business with a typical customer, y’know.”

Gert looks over her shoulder.

Immediately, the girls turn away.

“Oh,” Then Gert laughs, running a hand through her blue locs. “...They're that interested? Well, I suppose it's been a while.” She turns towards you, her eyes glinting while her lips stretch into a lopsided grin. “You haven't been here since…damn, that was like the first 2 months we opened this shop. I think they're just shocked s’all, the boys couldn't believe you made it here too.”

Your posture straightens in realization.

There's only a few of Sevika’s staff members that you remember, considering it’s been years since you’ve stepped into this place. Hell, you barely recognized the building due to all the remodeling that's been done. But there are a few faces that come to mind upon Gert mentioning the boys.

Your eyes flicker back to the front desk and you try your best to backtrack your memories. Nothing comes to mind within that moment but it definitely seems like those girls remember you.

Your brain comes to a halt when Sevika walks into the lobby. She's sporting a white tank top, the opposite of her usual button-ups, and worn jeans.

When her eyes land on you, she heads towards you without hesitation.

You hadn't been able to see her earlier, only speaking to her on the phone for a short amount of time before she sent Gert to you. From the conversation, you could tell that she was stressing over you being in such a situation. But, as she currently stands in front of you, that worry seems to have completely vanished.

She’s drenched in sweat with smudges of dirt and grease lining the sides of her face.

You avert your eyes and avoid the rumbling of your tummy.

“I’m dirty,” She mutters, apparently trying to warn you as you draw closer.

You disregard the comment, not being able to care as your free arm wraps around her neck. Standing on your tip toes, you whisper, “Hi,” In greeting. Because that's all you can think to say, merely grateful to finally have her in your arms after such a long day.

She hesitates before hugging you back, forearms pressing against the small of your back while she hums, “What perfume is that?”

You blink, “...Don't know. It was in your bathroom. I though–”

“Thought so.” She pulls you tighter. “Smells nice on you.”

Then Gert is clapping, causing you to jump.

“You know I love love.” She interjects. “But it's getting late and–”

“Shit. Of course.” Sevika pulls away, stepping back a pace. Suddenly, you feel colder. “Go home, Gert. I'll take it from here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. You've helped enough.”

Then she’s hugging Gert, murmuring some more words that are inaudible to you.

In the midst of this, you're reminded of where you are. Inside Sevika's shop with Ava on your hip and your mom by your side.

As if your thoughts have called out directly to her, your mom clears her throat. 

And when you glance at her, your gut stirs at the way she glances at Sevika. Then you. Then Sevika again.

Her eyebrows have lifted, eyes dancing with an unspoken interest that has you wanting to crawl underneath a rock.

“Go home soon and get some rest, yeah?” Gert practically orders. Her arm drapes over your shoulder while she kisses your temple. “You and Ava need it.”

You take that as an opportunity to ignore Mom’s imploring gaze, leaning into Gert’s embrace for a few seconds. Simultaneously, Sevika is smiling at your mother, wrapping her into a tight hug while whispering, “Hi mom.”

“Thank you for today.” You peer at Gert. “How much do I owe y’all?” 

“Huh?”

“How much will it be?”

That catches Sevika’s attention, who lifts her brows quizzically. 

“The repair,” You clarify. “What do I need to pay?”

Sevika’s jaw flexes as she runs her tongue against her top teeth. There’s a slight shake of her head. “You won’t.” 

Your heart drops.

“I will,” Your voice breaks as you try to wrap your brain around the incredibility of her statement.  All of this work for free? No.

Absolutely not.

“I’m paying you,” Your voice doesn’t waver this time.

Sevika hums softly; seemingly unimpressed. 

“Sev—”

“It’s nothing.” 

You try to stand your ground. A part of you is convinced that the longer you remain staring at her, the more likely she’ll lose her resolve. But if anything, that seems to strengthen it.

You know how much car repairs cost nowadays. Parts are expensive. Plus, there were the time constraints involved in addition to the heavy labor. You’d already been trying to calculate tip money. Within 20 minutes of arriving at the shop, Gert had informed you that Sevika would be working on your car.

The announcement shocked you because Sevika barely worked on cars now. She had a lot on her plate when it came to managing the business, working out deals with nearby companies and communicating with community members. But it seemed that she didn't want anyone else touching your vehicle besides herself, probably some sort of insurance on her end that she could provide you with the best repair service. 

Knowing that she had been relentlessly working on your car the last few hours was sweet. But it definitely wasn't sweet enough for you to overlook paying her. 

Sevika takes this moment as an opportunity to meet your gaze head on. Her lips part, a simple action that calls your attention like blaring alarm bells. How can someone look so good even when they're this dirty?

Despite your ruse of annoyance, you know that she means nothing short of compassion.

During these past few weeks, you’ve noticed that compassion is always the first thing that Sevika gives you–even during the moments when you wish she wouldn't.

“Let me pay you,” You press on, voice melting into something gentler. “If not for the repairs then at least for the tow. Gert had to come all the way across town—””

“I didn't mind.” Gert interjects. “It's not like we were in the middle of a rush anyways…had nothing else to do.”

Ava stirs in your arms, causing you to shift your weight.

“...But even if I had a say,” Gert continues, swiftly reaching across to press her knuckles against Sevika’s core. “Ms. Charming over here wouldn't have it any other way.”

“I take care of me and mine.” Sevika shrugs, swatting Gert’s hands away. “Plus, that’s kinda what comes with being the boss, smartass. You should just be happy I spared you the free labor.”

“Oh, I'm ecstatic." Gert grins, eyebrows wiggling before her orbs fall to you. “But is it really free if there's others ways your wife will be paying you—”

“Oh my god.” Your eyes squint shut for a few seconds. “Need I remind you that my child is literally in my arms right now.”

Within the same breath, you hear shuffling feet before Sevika grumbles, “Don't make it weird, dummy.”

“You cancelled your meeting and made a whole scene about the entire staff staying away from your wife's car, just so you could do all of the repairs for free and I’m the one making things weird?” Gert snickers. When you open your eyes, you witness Sevika holding her in a headlock. “Dude, I can't even be within the vicinity of you two without witnessing y’all practically dryhumping each other…Shit is already weird.”

Your muscles tense as you say, “Ex-wife, by the way.”

Gert finally frees herself from Sevika's hold and her eyes widen while she laughs breathlessly. “...Which is even weirder!”

“I’m sorry.” Your mom interrupts. “Am I…missing something?”

Just when you think that Gert’s eyes can’t get any wider, they nearly bug out of her head. Her jaw falls slack, an expression of realization morphing onto her features before they shift to amusement. 

“Well, yeah.” You respond at the same moment that Gert whispers, “a shit ton.” Gert tries to contain her mirth when you shoot her a pointed glare but it doesn't do much. Things have already become awkward.

“Are you hungry?” Sevika directs her question to Mom. “There’s a bunch of leftover pasta from last night. We can have dinner after closing up the shop? Maybe explain everything to you then.”

Your mom tilts her head. “We?”

You don’t have the courage to address such a conversation now. Not in the middle of Sevika’s workplace, with Gert and the rest of Sevika’s employees somewhere within earshot. Explaining you and Sevika’s relationship requires a level of vulnerability that you can’t readily access in an environment like this. Sevika had been right to address having such conversation over dinner, within the comfort of your own home and away from watchful eyes.

Plus, the thought of decompressing at Sevika’s country house, a place that has quickly become your safe haven, was all too tempting.

“Yes. Dinner sounds great.” You conclude, already turning to head towards the entrance door. “Is my car ready to be driven? I can follow behind you, Sev.”

***

And when you tell your Mom everything, her reaction is not what you expected.

Maybe it’s because the instant your friends found out, it was a huge ordeal.

Similarly, the moment you confessed everything to Felicia had also felt pretty large.

And the media that Sevika had posted on her socials, consisting of heartfelt candids that she captured of you, also seemed to spark a lot of attention from her following.

But when you sit at the dinner table with your mom, she listens silently while holding your hand. Sevika is across from the both of you, a sleeping Ava in her arms, while she respectfully watches, allowing you to express everything that you need to.

And then, in a low murmur so that she doesn't wake your daughter, Sevika begins to speak too. 

“I just couldn't live another day like I was.” She explains. “And I know we fucked it up the first time around. We made a lot of mistakes and you have helped us so much during the separation. But I promise that I have no other intention but to love your daughter the best I can. Wholeheartedly, faithfully and intentionally. With every fiber of my being.”

Your heart gallops in your chest as you watch Sevika talk to your mom. It’s unbelievable to hear her say such words but it feels relieving all the same.

You don't think anyone could ever be as beautiful as her; externally or internally.

“And…maybe this is a lot to ask of you since you're just now finding all of this out,” Sevika continues, swallowing thickly. “I don't know if I’d ever be worthy enough for you to welcome me as your daughter-in-law again. And maybe we will never get back to that stage. But to have your support—your blessing—in us continuing to love each other would be great. It would mean the world to me.”

Your breath catches at the sound of her words, which is quite audible due to the silence in the air. 

Your mom squeezes your hand before pulling away. She places both palms on the dining room table, stretching across the space and towards Sevika. Without hesitation, Sevika uses one arm to balance Ava’s weight while she intertwines her free hand with your mom’s.

“You never stopped being my daughter.” Mom rasps, her voice thick with emotion. You can tell those words melt straight through to Sevika. “And if Archie was still here, I'm absolutely certain that he’d say the same. In fact, he’s probably been rolling in his grave due to how long it’s taken you both to come back to each other.”

You can't help but laugh at the thought.

If your dad was still alive, he’d probably have called for an intervention between you and Sevika the very moment a divorce was mentioned. There was a running joke in the family that he loved Sevika more than he loved you. And although you know that he loved you both equally, it was a no brainer that he adored your ex-wife. They had bonded over many things; hobbies and interests that you never cared for growing up. It was, ultimately, the reason why Sevika took your father’s death the hardest.

“Oh mom.” You immediately coo when you realize that she’s crying.

She shrugs, smiling half-heartedly while glancing between you and Sevika.

“You two don't realize how many nights I stayed awake because I was hoping—praying—that this day would come.” She sniffs. “Granted, I think it's truly a wonder that it took 3 years for you both to come back to each other. I’ve never known a more oblivious pair of girls to ever exist in all honesty.”

The room erupts with laughter, your heart jumping with joy.

“But I am happy that it's happened.” She concludes. She uses her other hand to wipe your tears and this moment feels sacred: the way she holds Sevika’s hand while she comforts you. “Finally.” 

The lump in your throat won't go away and it's annoying how runny your nose becomes. But you do your best to cling onto this moment, to cling onto this feeling, because you never thought you'd be in such a position merely two months ago.

“So, are we staying here for the weekend then?” Mom questions, turning to you.

Your lips part. “Oh, right. Well, I hadn't planned on it. We can head back to mine tomorrow morning and—”

“No. Stay.” Sevika decides.”There's more than enough room here anyway.”

You find yourself doing that thing again—where you worry about overcrowding her house and somehow becoming a guest that she doesn't welcome.

But you also know that she's very intentional with her requests and that she wouldn't ask the both of you to spend the weekend with her unless she truly means it.

“Sev—”

“Wouldn't you be with me if it were any other weekend?” She questions, already knowing what you're about to stay. “I love you both. This house wasn't made with the intention of me being alone in it anyway. It would be a nice weekend together. Plus, I’m sure Ava would love it. So, why not?”

You shake your head, biting off a smile. “But I had planned for Mom to stay at my apartment. I don't want you to think I’m springing this on you, or that I’m being selfish in assuming that you’re okay with—”

“Be selfish all you want. This place is for you too,” Her eyes soften. “You know that.”

The air becomes too charged due to how she looks at you.

It's always been like this but even more so recently. She makes it hard for you to blink, to breathe, to merely function when she says such things. 

“And I ask again,” Mom laughs, turning to you with a gentle smile. “How did you manage to be oblivious for three years when she looks at you like that?”

And for the first time in forever, you agree with your mom.

***

You want to be more selfish.

It’s the thought that rings over and over in your brain when you're sitting on Sevika, her cool comforter underneath the both of you, while she peers up at you with slightly wide eyes. Unsurprisingly, you have been feeling incredibly sappy after spending the night with her and your mom. And when you feel sappy, your desire for her increases tenfold.

“I want to be selfish with you,” You find yourself whispering. The stillness of the night makes your confession all the more exhilarating. “My brain always gets in the way and I start thinking about the what-ifs and how you may react to certain things—and if I’ll somehow scare you away—but you're the one thing in my life that I’ve desperately wanted. Beyond anything else. I know earlier that you told me to be selfish more and I need you to know that I want to. There’s days where I just want you all to myself…days when I wish adulting could pause for a moment so I don’t have to share you with the world.” Your fingers find solace at the nape of her neck, scratching her scalp absentmindedly. 

Her eyes flicker and she hums pleasantly, “Keep saying things like that and you’ll do the opposite of scare me away.”

You smile. “It's just the truth. You make me want in a way that’s been foreign to me for so long.”

“In a good way or…”

“In the best way.” Smoothly, you brush your nose against hers. “I think about too many possibilities. Of being here with you again—permanently. Maybe a sibling for Ava, another little one to run around with her and join in on her shenanigans with Lianna. A—”

“You really shouldn't threaten me with such a good time.” She whispers, tightening her grip before she flips you onto your back. A squeak escapes your lips as she hovers over you. “...Keep talking like that and I’ll make sure every one of those wishes come true.” 

*** 

Time flies by.

You soak up all the time that you can with Sevika. 

Some mornings, Ava runs into the bedroom and nestles in between the both of you. Other mornings, you’re up before Sevika, balcony doors cracked open while you enjoy the chilly air.

You work hard but not too hard. Sevika makes sure of it.

You do the same for her; carrying whatever load she needs you to carry for the day.

She cooks and you clean.

She obsesses over occasional house repairs with you.

Her laughter is ridiculously loud but it’s one of the things you love the most.

That and her breathtaking smile.

The custody agreement fades away. 

The days of juggling time with Ava quickly dissipates and it's just the three of you. A team. A unit.

A family.

You rinse the dishes and she puts them away.

You find time to tend to her front yard (and, you suppose, your front yard too). You end up planting a garden there.

You try not to think too far into the future. But in the short moments that you do, you find ways to calm your brain because you know that no matter what, you’ll be okay. No matter what, you’ll still have her by your side.

So, for the time being, you enjoy every waking day the best that you can.

When the sun is out, you bask in the weather.

When it’s gloomy, you appreciate the comforting hum of the rain. 

When night comes, you never hesitate to tell Sevika you love her.

And when dawn arrives, you silently thank the world that you get to spend another day by her side.

“This is good,” You whisper.

Sevika is in between your legs, bundled up in a warm blanket while her head rests on your chest. She had been mindlessly scrolling on her phone but she pauses due to your words, “What is?”

“This life. This feeling.” And your hands are inside of her shirt, nails soothingly tracing her back upon her request. “Promise me another 50 years of this?”

“...Only 50?”

“...Can you guarantee me more than that? Are you immortal?”

She cuddles further into you. “No. But I can promise you every day until we’re next to each other in a cemetery somewhere.”

Your nose crinkles. “Bleak.”

She kisses your left inner forearm. “Romantic.” She corrects.

You concede because, despite your teasing, her promises are enough. More than enough.

The past three years of turmoil and uncertainty don’t have a fighting chance against the blooming feeling currently in your chest.

“Well, if that’s the case,” You rest your chin on top of her head. “I can do romantic.”

She grabs a hold of your hand. She squeezes it.

She doesn’t say anything more and she doesn’t need to.

Subconsciously, your shoulders relax as you breathe deeply. 

It’s comforting to inhale air that smells like her.

Reality reminds you of where you are and how you got here; that everything turned out okay in the end. 

The unspoken certainty in the air; the sunshine peaking through the bedroom window. 

Your rushing blood and the warmth of your bodies keeping each other grounded. 

Nothing else could ever amount to this.