#fuge

the unfortunate experience of having dissociative identity disorder diagnosed young is that I go to a fucking psych hospital tell them I have DID and they just, don't believe me. I had fucking Fuge. Motherfucking fuge. Nowhere online can I even find a description of what fuge looks like during the process other than "bewildered wandering" and these psychs definitely got the abnormal psych class at the local college that I've been told by someone who took the class "doesn't even mention the disorder" so my *absolutely has had dyskinesia like 6 times because my first doctor gave me 5mg of abilify as a 5 year old and wrecked my brain* having ass bitch got put on antipsychotics and because I was also age regressed out the ass, and totally disconnected from reality and deep in some antichrist demon boyfriend fantasy (I have... interesting power fantasies when totally unable to cope that apparently just, took over? like I *was* the maladaptive daydream) yeah I just, I want to go on, I can't I don't have the energy to pop back three stages of disconnected connected thoughts. This is just, how I think. I had a point but the amnesia kicked in and now I'll have to walk back through the thought process to find the idea and pick it back up with a new thread of self. I feel like I'm mostly fragment and not even alter. It's fucking atrocious in here guys. I am sorry for the incoherency. I'm tired of doctors not knowing what this disorder even is while also contradicting themselves by believing they're capable of distinguishing between "true" and "false" did like anyone would honestly pretend to be like this... like BPD and DID... I've met several people diagnosed BPD and like, low and behold after a while of hanging out and just, talking about myself and them BPD, CPTSD, and DID all feel like a spectrum of the same fucking thing. It's the same shit. I have at least one friend who's a diagnosed autistic narcisist and she's *also* dealing with the same underlying shit. Like it's all fucking trauma. I'm fucking pissed about how little information there is about DID vs Schizophrenia and how people don't have enough training to recognize did.... which doesn't respond to medications and shouldn't be medicated in the first place... and it takes 5-12 years on average to get diagnosed. That's 5-12 years of intense psychiatric drugs. 5-12 years of being a fucking hostage to a system that isn't educated about you, being passed from psych to psych as they slowly realize they don't know what's wrong with you, from therapist to therapist as they say they *aren't qualified to help*, direct quote from a therapist of mine. I have no idea how to emphasize on top of this how exausting this all is. How much each intake appointment means ripping into your history of trauma and telling them your entire backstory as much as you can. Every bubble sheet filling how much you struggle. Every psych eval... after psych eval after psych eval. I must have had at least 20. I'm tired. This is a major injustice no one gives a shit about. It won't improve, because unlike autism we don't have marketable devices, unlike schizophrenia we don't seem scary or dangerous, unlike chronic illness we can't be scienced in imperical ways, we can't be examined through the lenses of biopsy and genetic testing... what little research is even out there is mostly about detecting "fakers"... when a commonly known symptom of did is dissociating about your dissociation. I want help. I really, truly want help. There just *isn't help*.

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Untitled von Florian Thein Über Flickr: 2016, Aurich Yashica T5, Agfa Vista Plus 200