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My phlebotomist: “You look like you’ve lost weight! You look really good”
ED hears: “if you wanna hear more of this, you know what to do.”
I hear: “if I listen to ED, I’ll eventually be small enough to matter.”
My soul hears: “if I listen, I’ll eventually be small enough to disappear.”
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Look like shit, feel like shit. This is what Bipolar and ED does to you! I’m so tired of everything, of every damn thing. I just an existence. A hollow vessel going through this space called life. Well please let me crash.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I want anymore. Things seem to just ebb and flow. One minute I want to self destruct, but then I do something conducive to my recovery. I could have dumped the rest of my feed this morning, but I just sat there instead and listened to the pump churn the formula over and over again, like music, quite hypnotic. Dancing in my wild hunger ravaged eyes. Having a restrictive eating disorder ontop of Gastroparesis is legit utter hell, there was no pergatory, no practice try. It was just there. Came out of nowhere. And now here I am. Watching this calorie laden liquid enter my grossly large physique, absorbed by fat cells, dividing more and more rapidly competing with the speed of the formula. Until there is no more room, and I am just that, I am once more fatter than before. Cue in the self destructive ambiance, but this time, there is no will for conduciveness. It just is.
If I said I was fine, that’ll be a huge lie. I’m drowning, but there isn’t any water. I keep pusing and pushing against a wall that isn’t even there, only to have it push back at me. The harder I push it, the stronger it pushes back at me. Usually my PTSD flashbacks hit me at night, before bed, keeping me awake. Now, they’re a constant “fuck you” to my face, every waking moment. Everyone keeps telling me they’re proud of me for being so strong, yet I feel so tiny, crumpled, torn, and stained. Tainted and ruined. The dark thoughts that I have worked so hard to rid myself from have once again returned with a vengeance. But I’m the “strong one”. Fml... I continue to bury myself in my school work as a safety mechanism, so that essentially, I survive. That I’m still here. I guess the 92% in my class that I’ve earned so far in is proof of my suffering this time as usually by this point, I’d be in a psych ward or an Eating Disorder Unit, not one with one of the highest averages. So what happens then, when the semester is over with? What do I bury my mind with then?!?!? The prospects fucking scare me. And I need to have something in place otherwise only God knows...
Sunday 8/9/2020
Bachelorette Party:
Myself and all of the bridesmaids and the bride as well took a boat tour on Cayuga Lake. We stopped by three different wineries and sampled different wines at each location. Then we stopped at a restaurant to call it a night. Then we got back on the boat for a lengthy ride back into the sunset, and many photo ops! But it was an amazing day and I enjoyed myself immensely!!! I did though have a bit too much to drink. Normally I handle alcohol well, I never got hangovers. But yesterday, I woke up with the worst hangover ever. Intense migraine, nausea and stomach pain and burning, and severe lethargy. It lasted all day, to the point where I needed to drink quite a bit of Pedialyte. But today, my gastroparesis and POTS are running pampart all over my body. I can’t stand for long and I just feel so freakin weak constantly. And quite dizzy. I just feel like utter shit. To the point where I might go to the ER tomorrow, after my ED dietician appointment. As my cardiologist never renewed my saline infusions.
Life is fucking ducky! Fml
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I legit hate my fucking life right now. I’m completely and fully relapsed in my eating disorder. Anorexia is bane of my existence. Yet it’s secretly the only thing keeping me alive. I don’t think it’ll kill me though, because I’m still quite too big. I’ll be good.
My depression is extremely bad at the moment. Really bad. My thoughts are extremely dark and I almost fucked up and SH’ed last night but instead I took a really hot bath, then afterwards, an extremely frigid shower and that helped immensely to kill the urge. Then I took 1mg of Klonopin and it seemed almost instantly, I fell asleep. So I was able to remain safe last night. Which, I guess is a good thing! Using skills!
Surprise!!! Good morning everyone! I’m on my way to Coatesville, Pennsylvania for inpatient treatment for my ED at Brandywine Hospital! It was all of a sudden... but I am glad to be on this journey to recovery! I’m so nervous, but feel positive about this! 💚💚💚 #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #bulimiarecovery #brandywinehospital #fuckyoued (at Syracuse, New York)
A long day of appts and group... going to the doctor to get the work up for treatment inpatient... the lump on my neck got larger and more painful as well... I did do a food challenge today and ate a vegan chocolate cake with vegan chocolate frosting! It was so yummy!!! And you can’t tell it’s vegan!!! 😊 #fuckyoued #edrecoverywin #falling apart #spoonie #spooniewarrior (at Syracuse, New York)
