#forcedbirth

This week has been the hardest week of my life and I am not one to want to share these things, but I believe too many people are ignorant about what going through a miscarriage is actually like (including myself before this week).

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for almost a year. I had made so many life style changes, started reading baby books, was taking my prenatal vitamins, and already seeing a physician about possible fertility issue just in case. Finally, on June 4th, I had a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I both cried, it was probably the best day of our lives.

We were overzealous and though we knew miscarriage was an option, you can't convince yourself it will happen to you. We started preparing immediately, buying baby stuff, making lists, and I had a dr's appointment and my first ultrasound scheduled within days.

On Wednesday, my baby was supposed to be 9 weeks and 3 days. We went to the ultrasound and there my baby was. It was there and everything I wanted. Even though I could see it, and it seemed so perfect, I felt in my gut something was wrong because the ultrasound tech was quiet. The silence was deafening and I was convincing myself she was quiet because she wasn't the Dr and wasn't allowed to talk about it. After what felt like 10-15 minutes of pictures, she pulled the ultrasound back to my baby and zoomed back in. She started talking finally. "And there's your baby, there's the yolk, and the sac... I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat."

She just sat there, with my baby on the screen, the probe still in my vagina, as I cried and all my husband could do is grab my leg. Eventually she pulled it out and told me she would be back with a Dr. We sat in there for twenty minutes, crying. I spiraled through all the emotions possible grief, anger, fear, guilt, and denial. I almost convinced myself that once the Dr saw the pictures he would know the baby was fine, and the technician was wrong.

The Dr came in and confirmed the baby was not viable. They are able to tell in two ways, one by some measurement (I cannot remember what it was) and by not having a heartbeat. My baby was not viable for both reasons.

The Dr talked with us for a long time and was very kind, but it was so confusing and hard. Miscarriage is confusing and not enough people talk about it. He told me I had a few options: 1) wait to see if my body miscarries by itself. I was not showing signs of miscarriage, and my baby was still there. He said this could take weeks and if the process begins it can take weeks. He said if I do this, I need to monitor for heavy bleeding, extreme pain/cramping, fevers, shortness of breath, and chills. I asked, well isn't miscarrying going to produce heavy bleeding and extreme cramping? His answer was yes. Then how do I know if I need to go to the emergency room? He said well go if you think you need to. If my body did not miscarry itself, I could get sick from sepsis and would put myself at risk and possibly need more emergent care. 2) Take a medical intervention (misoprostol). This will cause the miscarriage and most of it will be done between 24 and 48 hours. 3) Do a D&C, a surgical procedure to remove all the tissue.

The Dr. scheduled me an appointment for the very next day to figure out what we wanted to do. The next day I was with a new Dr to me, but a Dr they specifically chosen because she had dealt with this with patients before and she told me she has went through it herself. Wednesday night, I had extremely cramping and heavy bleeding. I believed this was likely my miscarriage, and it had happened naturally. I told the Dr what had happened, and again realized I knew nothing about miscarriages. She said it could have been. It could have been some of it, could have been none of it. She said I still had the option to wait it out naturally, but again this could lead to it's own risks. We talked through all the options again, and my husband and I agreed the misoprostol was the best option. This way we would know it was done and wouldn't have to live in fear waiting. And to be honest, I couldn't live with knowing my dead baby was inside me any longer.

These are abortion pills. These are what you take when you need an abortion. Let me tell you why I fucking know first hand why no one uses this shit was birth control. I was so scared to take these pills. "Expect extreme cramping and bleeding, but also go to the emergency room if you have extreme cramping and bleeding." It was all so confusing. "Be warry of fevers, chills, shortness of breath, dizziness." Expect extreme pain, but just rotate between over the counter Tylenol and ibuprofen. Know this could go on for up to 48 hours. Stay home.

And at the end she said "When you go to the pharmacy, they are going to ask if you are pregnant. If you say yes, they will not give them to you. Tell them instead you are having an active miscarriage".

Our hell wasn't over. Now we get to go to a Walgreens pharmacy and have to be asked an intrusive question and answer it in front of everyone. You ever been to a Walgreen's pharmacy???????? There is no fucking privacy.  I already had a pit in my gut, I am in Missouri, I was ready for the judgement.

I went to the Walgreen's pharmacy attached to the medical center I was at. I thought it would be safe and they would be the most understanding. And they were... but they did haven't the prescription. She told me she could order it for tomorrow (Friday). My husband had to leave for work on Saturday and I didn't want to be going through this alone, so I told her I needed it today. She told me to try another Walgreens.

We went to the next Walgreens. I asked the technician to check if they had it before they filled it, because I needed it today. She checked and said it was available and they would get it filled. I felt some relief and was ready to get this one nightmare over with and start the next. Then she came out, and she said she was so sorry but the pharmacist refused to fill it.

The pharmacist refused to fill it. It hadn't clicked in my head what was going on, I asked why, she said he said the "dose was too high". I gave them my medical paper work (I was not thinking, I just was panicked and wanted this over with). She gave it back to him and came back and just said he refused to fill it. That's it. I asked what I can do, what I need to do. She said she didn't know, there was nothing.

To be honest, I cursed and I cried. I am embarrassed but have I not fucking been through enough? have I not fucking suffered enough? My husband and I went back to the car and we called the original pharmacy, I was crying and yelling and they were so nice. They worked to figure out what they could do for me, and they ended up being able to fill it by giving me a shit ton of lower dosage pills. Thank you to those brilliant angels that went out of their way because they realized how much I needed just some fucking human decency.

I bled a lot on the pills. I cramped a lot and it hurt. I cried a lot and I miss my baby.

And then Friday I was told Roe vs Wade was gone. And I have heard so many people over and over again say this won't hurt women who are having miscarriages and how we are overreacting.

I can tell you right now, the day before it was even gone, that I was denied my medication I needed for my miscarriage. I was denied it in Missouri by a male pharmacist. Right now, it hurts too much, but I am going to call and get his name and file a formal complaint, but this will not end. This will get worse.

I am so scared to have a baby now. This process hurt so much and was so evil and such a fucking nightmare. And now it will be worse. I am so scared of how I will be treated if this happens again. We don't deserve this, no one deserves this.

I was always pro-choice because it's none of my damn business what other women do with their bodies. But I wanted to share my story, because so many people keeping fucking spouting how this won't affect women who have miscarriages.

FUCK YOU to every single one of those people.

Fuck you to all the people who don’t shed a tear for the underage rape victims who will die from ectopic pregnancies, etc. in situations that will never, ever, ever result in a baby.