So, I’m a loser right? Like I actually have to be oh my gods. It’s occurring to me that I don't know what I’m doing. Like at all. It feels like any experience or knowledge or skill of being with someone has gone out the window since I broke up with Rhea. Like a factory reset. At least I still know how to kiss. I hope. Adder would’ve said if I was doing a shit job right? I hate being insecure, especially when it comes to my romantic partners, all I do is get in my own head.
As I hold Adder against my body, my eyes wander over their sleeping form. They might be the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I don’t entirely know what it is about them. Like okay, her hands are really smooth (because she’s never had to do manual labour a day in her life) and her hair is super soft (expensive ass hair products are to thank for that) and her face is just. Wow. Clear skin for days, good bone structure, beautiful eyes, it truly is unreal (because a lot of it isn’t real. How much of her is cyber implants?).
I start to sigh from my own thoughts, but quickly bite my lip. I relax seeing Adder’s still sound asleep. I didn’t even notice I tensed up at first, but I guess it’s such a knee-jerk reaction to literally everything that I don’t see it as something to take note of anymore. The others have probably noticed, it would be naive of me to think they didn’t. My unwillingness to share personal information, my modesty with clothing and what I know seems like an obsession with money, but really I just need to survive. Unsurprisingly my mind turns to Adder again. Even if he wasn’t pressed against me and I wasn’t listening to his breathing in case it changes, I’d still be thinking about him. I can imagine his snarky response to that, but only partially since he’d say something more creative than I could think up. I do wonder about them, and the life they led before… all this. Luxurious, as they’ve said, like everyday since meeting them. But, it’s boring. Was boring. Funnily enough, I get it. Having everything you’ve ever wanted handed to you without having to do anything but you can’t go anywhere. The unwanted duty you have to your family, a pre determined outcome for your life, wanting to escape. From what Adder said, sure, Night city is great and they like it, but leaving doesn’t seem like an actual option for them. I know they said that they’d… they’d leave with me after this is all over. Travel with me. The offer made me happy, I hesitate to say ecstatic because even in the moment I knew that was the alcohol talking. I don’t think she’d seriously say that to me sober, it’s wishful thinking really. Not even just from her, from anyone that doesn’t travel the way mercs do. Rhea was the last person who offered to follow me, and that clearly didn’t work out. Looking back on that relationship I can already see road bumps coming up in the relationship I have with Adder. Whatever relationship it is right now. The date was amazing, to say the least, and made me believe we’re more exclusive but I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Communication is one of the most important things in relationships along with trust and I’m not exactly great at either of those, and from the way Adder acts I wouldn’t be surprised if the same applied for them (likely for different reasons). But those are topics I can avoid, I’d rather not fight in the limited time we have together. Goes for everyone else as well but they’re not as invasive and don’t have a megacorp backing them if they wanted to look into me.
Why do I like this guy again? Oh right because they’re hot.
I think that, but I know it’s untrue. I like Adder because he is how I believe more people should be. Selfish. Sure he can take it to the extremes, but there’s an understanding that putting yourself first is important. It’s refreshing to be with someone who understands that. It’s not just that though, he’s funny, smart (when he chooses to be) and just has this sort of charisma to him that’s irresistible. You want to see what he does next. But tonight it felt like they were a little vulnerable and I would be lying if that didn’t endear me to them more. I wouldn’t tell them this. A lot of this. Not unprompted, not without reason. I can think of quite a few times in the past declaring my love for random traits of others but with Adder it’s not the same. I get this feeling that saying something like “I prefer your personality over your looks” isn’t going to be taken as the compliment I mean it as. Perhaps it will since I’m sure she’s told how hot she is all the time. But Adder is someone who takes pride in their appearance (not that they shouldn’t of course), though, from how they talk about themself… I don’t know. I’m not the best at reading people but I know there’s a line between vanity and thinking being wanted is your only asset. To me, Adder is doing a tightrope walk on that line almost as well as I do the same on the line between precaution and paranoia.
I don’t want to overthink this relationship. Adder won’t. I should at least convince myself of that. She’ll either get tired of me or become disappointed anyway, so I’ll just enjoy what I have. With all that said, I still chose to hold her tightly, lightly wrapping my tail down her leg and breathing in the scent of her hair products. Having someone this close to me is a luxury I haven’t had in a long time.
