#flamemech

Flambae and him argue just as much as they flirt. Sometimes they flirt well arguing, and vise versa.

Flambae knows Roberts straight, they're both aware that this is just some friendly back and forth between buddies.

That doesn't stop Flambae from shooting his shot every now and again, especially on drunken nights when the team goes drinking.

It's always a no, and it always ends with them laughing about it and eye fucking each other for a bit.

It was very rare that Flambae ever got salty about the rejection.

There were only a handful of times where Flambae got bitter about it, made some kind of snide comment about getting led on, or just grumbled and sulked off for the rest of the night.

On one occasion Flambae just let out a loud "What the fuck!" Followed by a confrontation about Robert always flirting with him but not doing anything.

He's more than positive that all of those negative instances happened during Flambaes dry spells. And the WTF one Flambae had been very wasted.

Still, Robert was HR perfect after that instance for a month. It got to the point where Flambae actually apologized for it, admitted that he hadn't gotten laid in a while, and begged Robert to just go back to acting normal.

It was just part of their weird little friendship.

Robert isn't exactly phased about a Z-team member trying to get in his pants, getting rejected and still being friends and flirty.

It's this groups weird fucked up love language.

Tonight was different though.

The team was at the bar, getting wasted on a Friday night.

Robert looked around the room and couldn't spot a single person that he wasn't comfortable with or fond of. Except of course the few strangers that were also in the bar but they were unimportant.

Robert was drinking, probably more than he should of. As the years went on the team slowed down on getting shitfaced, now going to the bar was more for quality bonding time.

But tonight Robert just wanted to enjoy himself, and Flambae was matching his pace so it's not like he was the only one getting wasted.

The two of them were beyond buzzed.

They had to lean against the bar to prevent themselves from swaying on their feet.

Flambae wrapped a warm arm around Roberts waist, and Robert leaned into his side, already knowing where this was going.

Flambae leaned down to talk in Roberts ear, his scruff catching against Roberts skin anytime he accidentally lost his balance and leaned more into Robert. The two were holding each other up at this point more than the bar was.

"You should come home with me. I got like, the best food, and we can share the bed. God knows your back could use a better mattress.."

Flambae slurred. His free hand coming up to play with Roberts hair.

Usually Robert would get annoyed and push his hand away, but he didn't overly mind it right now.

"Yooou're tryin' to fuck me."

Roberts words were equally as slurred. He didn't even try to defend his mattress that he was bullied into buying.

"No. No.. ... Okay maybe a little bit."

Flambae rested his chin on top of Roberts head, eyes barely open.

"But we could also like, just watch a movie and cuddle. And maybe touch your dick a bit."

Robert laughed and just nodded.

"Okay."

Flambae started laughing too for a minute. But then he slowed to a stop. For a few seconds it felt like he was buffering.

"What?"

"I said okay."

Robert repeated without much thought.

"Okay?"

Flambae still seemed confused, and Robert just repeated himself again, nodding along, causing Flambaes chin to slip off

"Yeah, okay."

They just stood there, leaning against each other. Robert was just enjoying Flambaes warmth, well Flambae seemed to still be buffering.

Suddenly he was grabbing Roberts arm and urgently leading him out the bar, then Robert was practically being dragged with how fast Flambae was trying to get back to his own apartment.

The cool night air and all the jogging helped sober them both up some.

"Almost there. Still okay?"

Flambae was acting like this was a life or death emergency with how fast he was trying to get back to his apartment.

Robert could only laugh.

"Yeah. Still okay."

Flambae started laughing too.

Once they made it inside the apartment building is when reality of what he agreed to really struck Robert.

But he couldn't really find a reason to turn Flambae down tonight.

Why say no? Because he's straight? Sure he's not into dudes but it's not like he's repulsed by them. They have all the same parts that he has after all.

And you only live once right?

He could do a lot worse than Flambae, if he's gonna do it with a dude he might as well do it with a hot one.

He was comfortable with Flambae.

He doesn't even think this will actually effect their friendship.

They probably won't even go all the way, share a handy at most. Which isn't even that gay if you think about it.

When they got in the apartment, Flambae froze up again. Robert waited a moment but Flambae just wasn't loading.

Maybe he didn't actually want this? Maybe Flambae just like flirting and chasing, and is just realizing he doesn't actually want to screw Robert.

Fair enough.

"Hey, we don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can just watch Tv, or I could leave-"

Robert was looking away, rubbing the back of his head when suddenly Flambae came back to the land of the living.

"Are you kidding me?? I'm just trying to figure out where to start!"

Okay. Maybe they did end up going all the way.

Robert woke up, wrapped in a warm pair of arms with soft muscles cushioning him. It's probably the most comfortable he's ever been.

Flambae lulled him back to sleep.

Robert could sleep in. It's the weekend after all.

When he woke up the second time it was to a beautifully made breakfast in bed.

Flambae ate next to him. And anytime Robert tried to bring up last night, Flambae would just boast about how great it was.

And Robert couldn't really disagree.. it surprisingly was great? Which just confused him because.. Robert doesn't like guys? He's never liked guys before? Or at least, he didn't think he did.

Then Flambae insisted on rubbing oil on him and massaging him. Claiming it as aftercare, Flambae boasting about how he's a caring lover so of course the aftercare was necessary, especially considering it was Roberts first time with a guy.

Robert ended up letting him. His body felt like jello afterwards. He just laid in bed for what felt like a few hours before trying to get up.

When Robert said he should go home, Flambae mentioned that they hadn't tried a few things, and if this is just a one time thing for Robert then he really should get his money's worth.

Which.. yeah.. that made sense to Robert.

So they went at it again.

Roberts legs felt like rubber. He was leaned up against Flambaes chest, completely limp.

Flambae had put some mind numbing tv on. Robert just stared at the screen. He doesn't even remember when he fell asleep.

When he woke up again, Flambae had made a mouth watering dinner.

Robert really should go pick up Beef from Chase but.. he could have dinner first.

Flambae offered to drive him to get beef and drop him off at home.

But it was late.. Beef and Chase were probably asleep by now anyways.. maybe he could just sleep over one more night.

Flambae didn't seem to mind.

He leant Robert clothes and snuggled up in bed with him.

Reality struck.

1.) he's not as straight as he thought he was

2.) if he had actually wanted to leave he would've done so by now. No amount of food or body massages would have actually stopped him.

3.) he kind of doesn't want this to just be a one time thing..

Since when did he fall for Flambae..?

Author: This was just supposed to be a fic prompt/idea but I feel like I've wrote a whole fic T~T

I might do a more detailed version on AO3 eventually.

Also I love writing Flambae trying to lock Robert down. But I'm pretty sure Flambae would probably want to be the one getting locked down.

some stupid villain of the week is on the run again, just powerful enough that the big guns are the ones who are actually looking to catch them whilst the z-team are once again dealing with dumbass coffee orders and grandmas who lost their cats or whatever the fuck else they get assigned when nothing much is going on. it's honesty surprising, since california is pretty famous for being hot and the aforementioned villain has decided to give them a snowy couple days, that nothing else is really going wrong. sure, there's the occasional pipe burst or ice related injury, but it is mostly a slow week. 

still, robert is incredibly disgruntled by the weather and lack of effective heating within the sdn building, even going so far as to steal a blanket from the break room to wrap around his shoulders at the desk. it's not super effective; he’s spent most of today shivering and trying to cling onto the relentless heat beef exudes, so it's been pretty miserable, especially since his leg aches when it's colder. at least he’s not been alone in it, with chase muttering profanities about flambae and malevola—neither of whom feel the cold at all, apparently—and waterboy, who is temporarily out of action since he slowly freezes solid if he’s outside for any duration of time. robert feels like he relates.

by the time the final shift is over, robert has curled into a ball on his chair, beef balanced precariously with one hand at his chest (and completely unaware of the lifeline he’s providing), the blanket pulled over his head like a second hood. yeah- he looks pathetic, but you try sitting still for eight hours in a 50 degree office without freezing to death. robert has never sympathised more with herman in his life. 

"man, you really do look stupid. i thought alice was exaggerating."

robert doesn't even need to turn around to know flambae is stood behind him. the shift is long over now, but the frigid offices of sdn are somehow warmer than his own apartment, which doesn't inspire much enthusiasm for the commute back. "yeah, it's fucking cold."

he swivels around on his chair, surprised by the sight of chad in anything but his suit—replaced by slightly baggy jeans and a comfortable sweater. the jeans have flame patterns on the cuffs, but robert would honestly be more taken aback if they were just normal pants. unexpectedly, his eyes are no longer the burnt orange robert is familiar with—instead a kind of brown that you could easily mistake for black—and his hair is down, loose over his shoulders. it's.. a surprisingly nice look for him. 

"damn, sucks to be a normie like you." chad pauses, looking robert up and down. "you don't have a coat or some shit? why are you just in a hoodie?"

robert shrugs. "i don’t have many clothes. plus, there isn’t usually a knockoff elsa running around making me freeze my nips off, so i don’t really need one in my day-to-day."

"that's depressing." chad says flatly, folding his arms. "are you so broke you can't get a coat? don’t they pay you here?"

"i-" robert stops. it'd become such a habit to avoid spending anything unnecessarily to focus on the mech, he hadn't realised he'd kept going long after it was already over. "huh. i guess i forgot i could buy shit."

chad makes a face like he’s just eaten a lemon. "fuck- do you ever say anything that isn't tragic?" before robert can answer that, chad takes a step towards him and wraps his arms around his chest.

the weirdness of the situation is immediately overtaken by how fucking incredible it feels to be warmagain, and robert doesn’t even attempt to move as chad picks him up, too busy trying to absorb as much of his heat to bother thinking about things like social norms. beef gives a soft grunt as he’s squished between the two bodies, and chad quickly pulls back enough to drop him back onto the chair. unfortunately, robert has momentarily lost any common sense he may have ever possessed, and the brief moment he isn’t pressed against chad seems so outrageous that he fucking whines in protest.

both of them freeze, robert's face beginning to burn for reasons unrelated to chad's powers as he scrambles to leave his arms and hopefully run into the sunset never to be seen again. 

chad, on the other hand, looks like christmas has come early, a shit-eating grin practically splitting his face in two. "what the fuck was that?"

"literally nothing." robert spits, trying and failing to remove chad's grip on him in order to jump from the nearest window—chase can look after beef, they'll both be fine. robert, however, will literally never recover from this. "you’re going insane. you’re dreaming or- or in a coma or- fuck, get off." he yanks at chad's arm, which stays stubbornly unmoving around his waist. "i never existed. i’m a figment of your imagination, you’re-"

"jesus, is that all it took to get you to blush?" chad laughs, unexpectedly delighted. there's not even that much mocking behind his smile, but that doesn’t really help robert's mortification right now. "sick- i win the bet."

of course they made a bet over this. "cool- awesome, can i go home now?" robert kicks his legs a little pathetically, knowing it won't do anything to help him escape. 

"fuck no, you’re freezing." chad scoffs, and pulls him in closer like a fucking teddy bear. this is the worst thing that has happened to him in his life- forget the coma, robert is never living this down. "you don’t even have a bed, bob-bob, i’m not letting you go die of hypothermia in your concrete box."

"i’m- glad you care." robert says through gritted teeth, deeply regretting every decision that brought him here. "but i have to sleep somewhere, and-"

"yeah, obviously. you’re sleeping at my place." chad says, as if this is the only other option. 

it surprises robert so much, he stops struggling. "you- what?" he stares up at chad, who is beginning to look a little awkward. that makes two of them. "you want me to go to your house. like- willingly?" he glances around, expecting a hidden camera or someone sneaking around. "is this- did someone put you up to this?"

"oh my god, robert, not everything is about your shitty childhood." chad scoffs, which is definitely not the source of his confusion but okay. "are you going to come willingly or am i gonna have to kidnap my boss?"

"i’m- not your boss." robert says slowly, still trying to absorb all the information thrown at him in the space of five minutes. "you- are you-"

chad gives him a deeply disapproving look and sets him down, folding his arms again. much to robert's chagrin, he immediately misses the warmth. "it'll be a lot easier if you stop being a little bitch about it." he says flatly. "it's annoying to fly when you're trying to kill yourself."

"that has never happened." robert says reflexively, before processing the rest of the sentence. "wait, why are you flying in civilian clothes?"

"phenomabitch crushed my car." chad scowls, and robert winces at the memory. "i’m not walking home in this slippery shit."

there's a beat in which robert weighs up his options: somehow evade flambae long enough to go to his own apartment and be cold and miserable while he sleeps on either the floor or the couch blazer got him, or go with chad and be warm and probably comfortable for the whole evening without needing to dodge flambae's (maybe justified) wrath. annoyingly, it's not really a competition.

robert groans, tilting his head backwards. "fine. but i’m bringing beef."

---

chad has never seen anyone so uncoordinated on ice as robert. seriously, he looks like a dumbass baby deer trying to learn to walk or some shit, not someone who has been one of the most famous superheroes for at least half his life—it's both entertaining and sad, but chad supposes there's little about robert that isn’t either of those two things. beef licks his face and goes to sleep in chad's arms, not even watching his struggling dad because even robert's dog is pathetic. it's a much more forgivable trait to have in a dog than a superhero. 

"if i didn't have beef, i would be filming this for alice." chad informs robert as he narrowly misses falling on his ass for the third time in ten seconds. "i think he likes me."

robert finally lands on the floor with a satisfying thud, and glares up at chad. "he likes everyone, he’s an idiot. can you help me up?"

"i've got beef." chad lifts the dog a little, as if robert hadn't seen him before. "no can do, bobert."

"this could be considered ableism." robert says, crawling across the ground and grabbing onto a lamppost in some attempt to lift himself up. "having- shit- having a prosthetic leg makes this a lot harder, you kno- fuck!" he grunts as his completely flesh and bone leg slips out from underneath him and sends him back onto his butt. chad bursts out laughing. "i’m getting hr involved." robert says from the floor. 

"yeah- okay, like we even have an hr department." chad snorts, putting beef gently onto the ground in order to actually help. "they've given up on us, at least."

with robert looking up at him from the icy pavement, he kinda reminds chad of a baby c- nope, never mind. not having that thought. baby cows and robert should not be in the same sentence in a positive way, ever. the guy who totally does not look like a stupid baby cow folds his arms in an entirely unthreatening manner. "and whose fault is that?"

chad scoffs, grabbing robert similarly to how he picked him up from his seat earlier and hoisting him in the air. damn, he’s light- does he eat properly? why is he even asking that, he doesn't have a bed, of course he isn’t. "i’m not the one having several office romances at once."

robert groans again, and chad wonders if that's all he ever does. "i was not- i didn't even flirt with visi, okay? i was showing her basic human decency and she got attached, that's not my fault. and m- blazer and i had a series of miscommunications, that lead nowhere." he says this like he’s had to explain it several times in the past, which wouldn’t be surprising. probably to hr. "hell, i’ve been flirting with waterboy more than them."

for some unknown reason, the amusement chad felt at this explanation is cut abruptly short by robert's final comment. "out of the whole team, waterboy is the closest to fucking you?" he raises an eyebrow, unsure whether to be offended or impressed.

"i- well, no technically, phenomaman kissed me." robert says, and both chad's eyebrows shoot up this time. "not like- okay, look, i kissed blazer like, the day i woke up from my coma, and i’d lost my suit, been asked some dumbass questions about how disappointed my dad would be if he knew i exploded or some shit, got beat up by some idiots stealing tvs, and then she turned up and acted like i was a normal guy so-" he huffs. "it- i was in a weird place. anyway, cut to phenomaman sulking on your car, he asks if something happened to make blazer break up with him and i say i kissed her, and then he kisses me to figure out if i was the reason blazer dumped him? and 'cause he fucked up your car, he sprays glass into my chest so i had to go to the bathroom to get all that out and then visi comes in and tells me she had a wet dream about me? i hadn't even had lunch yet."

there's a lengthy silence as chad takes this in. "this was on, like- my fourth day." robert adds, because of course it could get weirder somehow.

"fuck, your life is strange." chad says eventually, realising belatedly that he has literally just been holding robert this whole time. he glances over at the steps to his apartment building, where beef is sat patiently waiting for them to catch up.

"yep." robert pops the p sound as chad walks over to beef. "and now this is happening."

"it's weirder now you’ve acknowledged it." chad tells him, placing him on the steps like he might fall face-first if he isn’t careful—which really isn't an unfounded fear. "besides, you’re the guy who has two things total in his place, neither of which are a bed. also you totally wanted me to-"

"okay!" robert's eyes widen slightly, and he averts his gaze to beef as chad snickers. he scoops up the dog and opens the doors with his shoulders. "cool talk, where are we going?"

as chad guides robert to his apartment, he begins to wonder how the fuck robert ever became his boss in the first place—is he exclusively competent at anything related to hero shit and terrible at literally everything else or what? the guy seems impressed by the numbers on each door, and railings on the stairs. it'd be funny if it weren't yet another depressing fact about him. hm- nah, actually, it's still funny.

"man, do they pay you?" robert startles a little at chad's question, and he doesn't bother to hide his grin. "you’re looking at this shit like you’ve never seen it before."

"i’m being interested in your place, asshole." robert scoffs. "i could've just gone home, y’know. it's not as bad as you all say."

"no, it's worse." chad deadpans. "you sleep on the fucking floor."

robert rolls his eyes, as if he has any right to be exasperated over this conversation. "it's an improvement to the chair and the couch is too small for me. what else am i supposed to do?"

chad has to physically stop in order to not set robert on fire. it takes a good ten seconds for him to calm down long enough to say, "robert. you could sleep on a fucking bed. do we have to break into your shitty apartment and furnish it ourselves?"

as robert rolls his eyes again, saying some more bullshit about frugality or whatever the fuck, it occurs to chad that this is actually not a bad idea. 

---

malevola looks up from her phone as alice bursts into the z-team lounge. technically it's one of many, for universal use of any heroes who need the rest, but it's long since been abandoned by everyone except the z-team for fairly obvious reasons (similar to 'their' conference room), and so it's fair to call it theirs by now. they've decorated—not only with various knives stuck in the walls and broken objects, but with actual decorations—so when victor startles aggressively, he knocks several balls off the pool table. mal snorts as they clatter to the floor. 

"did something happen?" janelle asks, not particularly involved. she's barely glancing up from one of her many vampire fairy sex books, or whatever this one is about. 

alice gives them an exasperated look. "do none of y'all check your phones?" when the ensuing silence answers that question, she scoffs. "robert is busy with chad-"

"oh, he’s busy?" victor smirks. malevola throws a cushion at his face, ignoring his protests of, "we were all thinking it!"

"so we have the opportunity to get that bitch some furniture." alice finishes, also ignoring victor. there's a murmur of understanding around the room as they consider it—robert has done so much for them, it's only fair they do something for him. "there's no way he'd let us if he knew what we were doing."

"like a reverse robbery." malevola notes, opening the group chat to read back up.

-

ZTEAM MORE LIKE DEEZ NUTS

[flambitch] 19:01

Bob-Bob is with me, go get him some furniture.

[pound cake] 19:01

r u paying??

and bae u gotta stop using full stops like that ur gon give someone a heart attack 

[flambitch] 19:02

I’m being grammatically correct, asshole, you should try it some time.

And obviously not, get Mal to break into IKEA with you.

[pound cake] 19:02

k ill get the team

-

"i’d ask why i’m always the one trespassing, but the answer is pretty obvious." mal says with an amused smirk. 

janelle marks her page and closes the book, placing it carefully back onto the (also stolen) bookshelf. "we should get him more than furniture. he didn't have a coat last i saw, and there was a single book in his apartment."

"alright," colm stands up like a middle aged man leaving a social gathering, slapping his thighs as he does so. "time to go fix robert's house."

---

unsurprisingly, chad's apartment is mostly orange—what is surprising is how well it all works: ochre couch on a deep brown rug, walls painted shades of gold, warm wooden cabinets and floors. it's somehow simultaneously upscale and cozy, and robert feels the tension in his shoulders lessen as he looks around in appraisal. he deposits his shoes on the neat rack with one hand (after an embarrassing amount of time trying to one handedly yank one off his prosthetic. rubber feet are very good at keeping shoes on, not so good at letting anyone take them off), pretending not to notice the way chad is watching him as he takes in the place. 

"wow." robert says eventually, genuine interest leaking into his usually flat tone. "who knew you were an interior designer?"

chad scoffs. "please, i contain multitudes. besides, anything looks good compared to your shitbox." he adds, because he seemingly can't go five seconds without making a dig at robert or his house. 

robert turns to face him, beef in his arms still. "you okay with him running around in here?" he gestures with the dog in question, who just blinks up at chad.

"i have a niece who's favourite thing right now is glitter." chad deadpans, taking beef from robert and placing him gently on the floor. "nothing this idiot can do could be worse than that."

admittedly, robert is mostly surprised he didn't get another comment about his concrete floors or something. he gives a smile. "i don't know why, but i can totally imagine you encouraging her."

"you- she's eight, i’m supporting her creative outlets." chad says. when robert raises an eyebrow at him, he splutters, "what are- shut the fuck up! your chihuahua is the size of a corgi. i’m not the only one susceptible to puppy-dog eyes."

robert sucks a breath in through his teeth, suppressing a smile at the thought of chad giving in because of his niece's cute eyes. if hers are anything close to how chad's look right now, he can't say he'd do much better. "yeah, that's- that is true."

chad rolls his (objectively gorgeous) eyes, walking from the doorway into the main room where beef is attempting to locate the best place to take a nap. "try feeding yourself first. that dog is set for life."

"i’m getting real mixed messages about my weight." robert follows chad in, not entirely certain if he should sit down yet. 

"who said anything about your weight?" chad looks genuinely confused, which honestly only adds to the conflicting information he’s getting here. "no- i’ve only seen you eat twinkies. you need some protein and vitamins, bitch, no wonder you’re so cold."

robert blinks. "is that related, or-"

"i’m not taking food based criticism from you." chad says. "and go sit down, you look like a bitch."

there's something about having chad as your friend that kinda kills the awkward vibe before it even begins, which robert is grateful for as he settles on the couch, beef perched on his lap. chad glances over, scoffs, and turns back to the fridge, so at least their dynamic hasn't changed. 

it's weirdly comfortable in the living space, robert glancing every so often at his phone whilst chad cooks mostly silently to his left. the view from the apartment windows is much nicer than robert's own, and he finds himself gazing at the busy street below, watching as commuters slip in the ice and duck into shops only to emerge again with more layers. it's interesting to watch people go by like this—whilst robert has been described as the most unassuming guy of all time by the z-team, he never really left his place much if he wasn't in the mecha man suit, which kinda skews how people acted around him. it's nice to see the world through the lens of any old guy.

"do you do much people-watching from up here?" robert asks, glancing over his shoulder at chad. "you’ve got a great view."

there's a pause, where the only sound is the frying of food as chad tries to think of an answer. "i mean- not really, no. i never thought of that as something to do, y’know? sounds boring." another pause, this one slightly more loaded. "like you."

robert huffs a laugh, smile softening a little as he watches a kid and their parents making a shitty snowman in the piles of slushy snow at the corner of the road. "yeah well, after my bullshit life, i think i'm allowed to take boring as a compliment."

chad hums, looking as if he'd never thought of it that way before when robert turns to him. "i guess boring is good for you. you’ve had exciting for too fucking long." he smirks. "this is only partly my vendetta against mecha man, but i think you’re better off as robert. much less.." he waves a hand in robert's direction, grimacing. "bullshit."

"that sounds a lot more like an insult than boring." robert deadpans, whilst mentally cataloguing that comment under the very confusing file named chad. 

"i’m just saying, you’re a lot less depressing and shit when you aren't in that suit." chad shrugs, going back to what robert can guess is stir fry. "you go on a mission and you come back all pissy for days."

robert frowns. he'd never noticed a connection between mecha man and his energy being lower than usual, but he supposes he’s never been particularly in tune with his own emotions, so that's not a surprise. what is a surprise is that chad of all people noticed. "you think?"

chad scoffs. "yeah, i fucking think. even waterboy agrees with me, bitch- do you know how hard it is to get us to have a normal fucking conversation?" he gestures with the spatula, getting little bits of broccoli  and bean sprouts over the counter. "everyone thinks you're worse when you’re fresh off patrol or whatever. you just keep doing it 'cause you’re a dumbass who thinks you're not worthy or whatever unless you're killing yourself for other people. bitch."

robert blinks at him, and chad rolls his eyes as if he hasn't basically just psychoanalysed him whilst making a fucking stir fry. "you- when the fuck are you having these conversations?"

"we have a group chat." chad says, like it's obvious. maybe it is, actually—robert isn’t the most well educated on how friendship works. "we haven't added you because we need to talk shit about you." he stops. "that's not true, but you can't join that one. sacred ground and all that- do i even have your number?"

"i don't- probably not?" robert says, baffled suddenly. "what is happening right now?"

chad flips him off. "i’m being a normal person, bitch. you never seen it before?" he considers for a moment. "no, you probably haven't. didn’t you not know what pto meant?"

"i’ve been working since i was fifteen, of course i didn’t know." robert slumps a little on the couch, beef only opening an eye when he’s shifted at the action. "i’ve never been paid, let alone had time off that wasn't a coma."

"jesus, you really are miserable." chad mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "this is depressing. can you tell me one good thing about your life so i don’t feel so sorry for you? it's ruining my vibe, man."

robert can't help but laugh, smiling when he says, "i have some really great friends. pretty sure they'd kill several people for me, and they care about how i’m doing when i don’t. makes me feel like it's all worth it." he tilts his head to the side when chad doesn’t seem to get it. "i’m talking about you, man."

immediately, chad turns a hilariously bright pink, and the wooden spatula in his hand begins to scorch. robert tries to stifle a laugh behind his hand, and chad stares resolutely at the pan. "fuck off. we're not friends- you’re just a bitch. i don't- shut the fuck up." 

robert snorts, using chad's avoidance of eye contact to subtly take a picture of him—flushed pink, emitting smoke and pouting kind of adorably. oh yeah, that's getting saved. 

-

Alice/Prism

[you] 20:36

-attached image-

I called him a good friend.

Did I break him?

[Alice/Prism] 20:36

LMAOOO NO WAYY

IM TEXTING THIS TO EVERYONE I KNOW ROBERTO UR MY FAVOURITE NOW

[you] 20:37

Happy to be of assistance :)

-

c'mon, he had to do that.

---

after dinner (and alice blowing up his phone because robert decided to be a little bitch), chad decided that robert's complete lack of culture had to be addressed, so now they’re watching mamma mia together. however the fuck robert managed to get through twenty five years without ever watching the best musical of all time is truly beyond him—yet another example of how utterly awful his life must be without watching meryl streep play donna sheridan—but at least that catastrophic oversight is being fixed. thankfully, robert seems to be enjoying it, which is lucky because chad didn't want to deal with hiding his body if he expressed any dislike at all. 

beef has curled up in chad's lap happily, undoubtedly because of the heat alone, but chad isn’t about to stop lording it over robert that he’s beef's favourite. robert rolls his eyes whenever chad brings it up, but he never stops smiling, which probably counts for something—besides, it means they have to sit closer together if robert wants to pet his own dog, which is a normal thing to want about your boss. chad is being normal right now. 

"god, that's who i wanna be when i'm in my fifties." robert says softly, eyes fixed on the tv as the three women run up to each other, screaming obnoxiously loudly. his legs are tucked underneath him, prosthetic propped up against the couch as he leans slightly in chad's direction.

chad snorts. "which one?"

"tanya." robert grins, glancing up at chad. "i think i could pull off three marriages and a boob job." he turns back to the screen, tilting his head to the side. "not sure i wear the bob like she can, though."

"no, you’d look like the berries and cream guy." chad says immediately, grimacing at the visual image. robert frowns at him in apparent confusion. "you know, like lord farquaad."

robert huffs a laugh. "wow, okay. noted."

they settle back into a comfortable silence, making the occasional comment about the movie or starting a whispered argument for the sake of it. robert tries to pet beef, to which chad insists that beef has claimed him and that this is his dog now, and robert apparently takes this as a challenge because now he’s doing them most ridiculous things to try and sneak past chad and to the chihuahua. unsurprisingly, this doesn’t actually work, but it does culminate in robert practically laying across chad and completely ignoring the film.

"this is ridiculous." robert says, like he’s not the one with his chest in chad's lap.

chad just smirks at him, holding beef aloft like some kind of trophy for being the best superhero ever, which he would win if that was a real competition. "sucks to suck, bobert. i’m taking your dog."

chad expects him to move and either give up or try another way to grab the dog back, but robert just flips over and folds his arms like a child. "you’ll have to put him down eventually." he decides.

"wh- okay, bet." chad shoots back, trying to ignore the fact that robert is now literally just laying in his lap with not a lot of success. "i literally have super strength, dumbass. i can hold him forever."

beef, for his part, seems entirely unbothered by how much he’s been manhandled and moved about. he wags his tail contentedly as chad holds him in the air stubbornly, which is probably the consequence of being mecha man's dog and being used to flying or whatever, but it just makes him look even more like he has no brain. 

robert looks up at beef, wearing a suspiciously mischievous expression, and says before chad can ask about it- "beef, kidnapped!"

the dog turns his head and fucking bites chad's hand, pretty fucking hard for such a small dog, and lands on robert's chest when chad yelps and drops him. robert looks unbelievably smug as he coos. "good boy! who's a good beef?"

"what the fuck?" chad exclaims, even if he's more impressed than annoyed. "you taught your dog one command and it's to bite someone?"

"it's only recent." robert says, as if that makes it at all better. "y’know, after the whole shroud kidnapping him thing. didn't want a repeat of that." he grins, and beef curls up on top of his chest. 

chad groans. "your life is so sad."

robert just hums impassively. "i don't think it's going so bad right now." he says, a little quieter than usual, gaze focused on the television. "this is, uh. pretty nice."

something dangerously warm moves in chad's ribcage, and he feels his own face flush as robert looks up. "yeah, well." he clears his throat. "shut up." robert shoots him a smirk, but he doesn’t say anything about it. 

much to chad's surprise, robert actually does shut up—remaining quiet for about half the movie—and he’s about to be impressed when he breaks his silence not with words, but soft snoring. chad freezes immediately, suddenly understanding what herm would say about being trapped by a cat and wondering what the fuck he can do now. well, he can finish the greatest movie of all time, obviously but then what? does he wake robert when he wants to go to bed? and- oh shit, chad hadn't even thoughtabout where robert would sleep. 

maybe the couch isn’t a bad idea. sure, they’re friends now (chad is like, ninety-percent sure that what they are now is called friendship but it's been a hot second since he had to do this anew; it feels weird), but sleeping in the same bed is definitely a strange thing to do when inviting someone over for the first time, right? he’s so out of practice with this shit, but his current plan of sneaking out from underneath robert and leaving him on the couch doesn't seem too bad-

robert makes a quiet noise, and chad's train of thought grinds to a halt as his dispatcher curls up ever so slightly and pushes his face into chad's stomach—like he could fucking hear him thinking. the way he noses closer is a little ticklish, but with how tense chad is at the moment for fear of waking him, it barely registers. 

what does register, finally, is the remarkably abrupt realisation that robert has fallen asleep on him. like- neurotic fucking robert, who doesn't own a bed and fights like a raccoon on steroids, has apparently decided that chad is both comfortable enough and safe enough to use as a goddamn pillow. it's a little fucking insane, if he’s being honest, that the guy he tried to kill several times is perfectly comfortable being this stupid around him—which is to say that he is incredibly flustered and embarrassingly endeared by it all.

and it's- it's a familiar feeling; this weird fluttering in his chest, the desire to hold robert close and never never let go, but it's not- it can’t be what he thinks it is. it's just not. that isn’t- surely chad hasn't just-

robert mumbles something that sounds like warm, and shit. chad is totally, completely fucked.

he likes robert. fuck.

no, okay, this is fine. this is literally fine- this is cool and chill and not worth panicking over, because it's fine. yeah, he'll just- just.. text alice! excellent idea chad, she'll tell him he’s being an idiot and then he'll realise that she's right, because she always is, and it won't be a problem. simple.

-

Alice <3

[you] 21:46

Alice I need your help.

I’ve done something very stupid.

[Alice <3] 21:47

u okay???

do i need to hide a body????

[you] 21:47

Maybe mine. 

I think I like Robert. Help me.

[Alice <3] 21:47

LMAOOO WAIT NO WAY 

U DIDNT ALREADY KNOW THIS????

BAE UR SO OBLIVIOUS THIS IS COMMON FUCKING KNOWLEDGE

[you] 21:48

What??

Since when?? I literally just figured it out!

[Alice <3] 21:48

god i wish i knew u didnt know i could have made some good money

what made u realize???

[you] 21:49

Don’t laugh.

-attached image-

[Alice <3] 21:49

oh my fucking god

ur so fucked 

this is incredible 

ur a married fucking couple and ur not even dating???

bae u literally tried to kill him and hes sleeping on you??? hes in love istg

[you] 21:50

I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.

He just fucking hugged me. In his fucking sleep.

[Alice <3] 21:50

LMAOO 

and u said hes not your type

-

chad drags a hand down his face, beginning to realise that stupid anxiety shit he keeps feeling when robert would laugh is probably something completely different. fuck, he does not have time to be falling in love with his dumbass normie dispatcher—not when he has to sit there and just listen to his fucking voice and the way he laughs over the comms- not to mention his stupid fucking eyes and his stupid fucking face and his stupid fucking smile.

he'll get over it. yeah- surely this won't be that difficult, robert is an annoying shit at the best of times—all chad needs is for him to do something that makes him want to literally flambé robert and he'll be cured. easy- simple. maybe he'll indirectly ask courtney for tips, but he probably won't even need to do that. 

robert, ever the fucking contrarian, snores a little louder for a second, and chad feels his frown melt into a ridiculous sappy smile without his say. he brushes a bit of hair out of robert's face, and he leans into chad's hand like a cat seeking attention.