#fixit au

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“Hello, Mr. Carmichael…”

Michael heard the turn of a doorknob behind him while he sat leaning over his desk, intently reading through his new book. Tearing his focus away from the pages with difficulty, he turned around, seeing that it was Dr. Grey visiting his room once again. He carried a bag with him, though it was difficult to see what was being carried inside.

“I thought you were on your way home?”, he asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.

The doctor nodded. He closed the door behind him, a tired look on his face. “That was indeed my original plan,” he said, “but I found the matter of your medication too pressing in the end. I…” He paused, as if he was considering his words. “I had a talk with Dr. Brooks.”

The headmaster raised his eyebrows in surprise, a shiver of fear running through his spine as he heard that name. “Y… you did…?”, he stammered, shuddering.

Once again, Dr. Grey responded to that question with a nod. He took out a chair, inching a bit closer towards his patient. “Yes, we discussed a few things that I would like to go over with you. Do you mind if I sit with you for this?”

Michael gave permission, but he kept his stare intently fixed on the doctor as he sat down. There was a sense of exhaustion about the other man, one that he had not noticed when the doctor had come into his room to bring him his new book. Not just physical exhaustion, either.

It looked to be more on the emotional level.

…Something had to have happened.

“…It was not just a discussion”, he remarked rather abruptly, his stare not losing focus. His shoulders slumped down as he shuddered again. “…He got cross with you… didn’t he, doctor?”

Dr. Grey seemed surprised by the headmaster’s remark, but he seemingly realised that there was no use to dwindling around the point. “…Yes, he did”, he eventually admitted. “I’ll… spare you the details, but he got… very unpleasant indeed. However, that is not what I wanted to share, because we did reach a consensus in the end.” He paused, looking his patient in the eye.

“…He has relinquished his responsibility over you to me, Mr. Carmichael.”

Michael’s eyes widened in shock. “He wh- what?”, he stuttered, this sudden news being something that he had not anticipated at all. It was a very welcome surprise of course, but right now, such a big change was something that his brain needed some time to adjust itself to before he could even properly react to it. He tried to tell the doctor that he was indeed happy with the news, that his reaction was not out of panic, but he simply could not get any words out of his mouth. It felt as if his vocal chords had just given up on him.

Focusing on Dr. Grey’s face intently, he remembered the grounding techniques that the other had helped him with the last time he had flown into a panic, and after a few minutes of controlled, deep breathing, his mind seemed to be going out of the shutdown somewhat. “S- sorry”, he muttered, his face going red with embarrassment. “That… was a lot to process.”

The doctor gave him a kind smile. “I understand, don’t worry”, he assured the headmaster. “I… was also rather shocked when Dr. Brooks said it to me, so I completely get where you are coming from.”

Michael smiled faintly, fidgeting with his fingers as he looked down, his cheeks still flushed. It was nice to have someone understand him, even if for a little bit. “What… does this all entail now, if I may ask?”, he eventually muttered.

Dr. Grey sat up straighter. “That was what I wanted to discuss with you right now”, he explained. “First off, I’m going to slowly lower the dosage of your sedative medications, in the hopes that you will eventually not need them anymore. Now, that was my main concern of course, but it also means that if you have any problems, you can step to me now instead of Dr. Brooks, and I’ll be able to help you more efficiently. Furthermore, even when I am not on the clock, the doctors taking care of you will have to follow my instructions, so I hope that that can maybe improve your situation a bit as well. That’s… the gist of it, I suppose. I’ll spare you from the boring paperwork parts… no one wants to hear that.”

The headmaster’s eyes began to twinkle as he heard all those things. He had not dared to dream it when he was first thrown into this place, but… maybe things were actually going to get better. He thought that he was never going to leave this place again at first, but perhaps…

Perhaps he could go back to the school again soon.

He closed his eyes for a moment, a soft smile appearing on his face as he envisioned the halls again. His boys’ laughter. That feeling of peace that he only felt within those walls. Just… the feeling of being home again.

“There is actually one final thing that I wanted to bring up.” The doctor’s voice brought Michael back to reality again, as much as he would have preferred to stay in his imagination. He could not deny the fact that that last statement had made him curious, though. He opened his eyes again, a curious look on his face.

“What would that be?”, he asked.

Dr. Grey picked up his bag. “I was told that something was taken from you when you were first brought here”, he said, reaching into the bag. “Something that never should have been taken from you in the first place. Well… I have decided to give it back to you, now that I have the final say in the matter.”

The headmaster stared at him with confusion in his eyes for a moment, but that all faded away like snow in the sun when he saw what had been in the doctor’s bag all this time. He stared at the other man with wide eyes, the gratefulness that he was feeling being so strong that he did not know what to even do with it.

…It was his prosthetic.

“I believe this belongs to you, correct?”, Dr. Grey asked, handing it over. Michael nodded eagerly and quickly in response as he took hold of it, holding it close to his body and squeezing his eyes shut.

It almost felt as if his doctor had given him his real arm again.

“M… my arm…”, he stammered, tears stinging in his eyes as he clutched onto the thing as if it were a stuffed animal. “Thank you… Thank you so much… I…”

Dr. Grey smiled. “There is no need to thank me, sir”, he replied. “You never should have been separated from it in the first place. It was the least I could do for you.” He paused, looking at the straps that were meant to secure the prosthetic in its place and then looking at his patient’s one functional arm. It was rather obvious that it was going to be very hard to secure the thing with just that one arm. “…Do you happen to need any help with putting it on…?”, he asked after a while.

Michael considered the question for a while. Physical touch or even people being in close proximity to him had been very alarming for him as of late. Ever since he had been put into the asylum, all kinds of people had been touching him, and never for good reasons. Taking things from him. Restraining. Forcing medication. It had all been so awful for him that it did not take long for him to start becoming convinced that he never wanted a person to touch him ever again in his life. Certainly not any of the asylum staff. They terrified him.

Dr. Grey was different, though.

Dr. Grey was one of the only people in the entire world that he could depend on, it felt like. He actually listened. He seemed to genuinely want to help him. Ever since the doctor had awoken him from his nightmare, the headmaster had begun to feel a certain sense of gravitation towards him. It was most likely because every other person in the asylum frightened him, but he also genuinely appreciated his company. It felt nice to talk to him. He actually felt like… a friend. And making those had never been one of Michael’s talents. No… but that made Dr. Grey all the more special.

Yes… yes, he did feel comfortable with him helping him with his prosthetic. 

The headmaster slowly looked up at the doctor, giving him a meek nod. “Y- yes…”, he muttered quietly. “Yes please.”

Dr. Grey smiled. “All right”, he said, stepping closer to his patient and crouching down. “What do you need me to do?”

Michael gulped as he stared at his left shoulder, his stump still being covered by his shirt. He knew that it was going to have to be uncovered if he wanted to wear his arm, but having his shoulder bare was something that he had been uncomfortable with for a long time.

It was not the fact that he did not want his doctor to see his bare upper body. And while he was not fond of seeing his shoulder stump, that was not the main cause for his concern.

It was the burns that scarred his shoulder.

“There’s… scars under here…”, he began to explain hesitantly, moving his shoulder stump. “And I… really do not want to see them. Could you… keep me distracted, so that my gaze can be fixed on something else?”

 Dr. Grey nodded. “Of course I can. Just keep looking at me, all right? I’ll help you put on the prosthetic, and then they’ll be covered again in a jiffy.”

The headmaster nodded. He took a deep breath, doing what the doctor had told him and keeping his gaze focused on him as he began to slowly unbutton his shirt. Deep breaths, he thought to himself. Deep breaths.

With a quick motion, he uncovered his upper body, squeezing his eyes shut as he clenched his jaw. He had not felt this vulnerable ever since the accident, and it made him panic a bit. “R- ready when you are, doctor”, he stuttered. “I’m sorry, I just- I don’t want to look.”

James raised his eyebrows as he saw the scars that Michael had been referring to. It was not difficult to guess why his patient was so nervous about seeing them. The entire left side of his upper body was covered in burns. They seemed to be very old scars, but that did not make them look any less painful. The doctor had quickly guessed that the headmaster had been through a severely traumatic event the first time he had seen him, and this very much seemed to confirm his suspicions.

Trauma from a fire related incident… he had found a first clue towards solving this puzzle that was Michael Carmichael’s psyche. And even though he knew that it was going to be a slow and tedious journey, he was also very determined to solve that puzzle.

This was clearly a man that had gone through immense amounts of suffering. The least James could do was ease his pain, he thought.

“It’s all right, sir”, he softly assured his patient, taking the prosthetic in his hands. “I’m going to put it on your shoulder now, all right?”

Michael gave a consenting nod. He felt his shoulder being held with gentle hands, before his prosthetic was slid on. A blush spread across his face as he felt Dr. Grey’s body being so close to him. “Does it fit comfortably like this?”, he heard the doctor ask him. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

The headmaster shook his head. “No, it feels right…”, he said, feeling his heart beat in his chest. “You… you can fasten it.”

Dr. Grey did so, taking the prosthetic’s straps and cautiously fastening them around his patient’s torso. Michael then felt his shirt being put over his prosthetic, and he cautiously opened his eyes. “…Is it safe to look?”, he asked, putting his other arm back into his shirt.

The doctor nodded, giving him a gentle smile. “It is”, he said kindly. “Why don’t you take a look for yourself?”

The headmaster took a deep breath, before looking down at his left arm. He kept staring in silence, adjusting himself to the familiar feeling of having his prosthetic again and realising just how much calmer it made him feel. He slowly moved his shoulder forward, his eyes lighting up as the prosthetic moved again. Letting out a sniffle, he lowered his arm again as he stared at Dr. Grey.

“Thank you, doctor…”, he stammered, tears stinging in his eyes. “Thank you so much…”

It took him a moment to realise, but before he knew what he was doing he was leaning forward, hugging his doctor as he began to sob. For the first time since what felt like forever, he was crying tears of joy, and it felt so liberating that he could not even fully describe it.

“I- I don’t know what to say…”, he whimpered, pressing his face against the other’s chest. “I thought they were never going to give it back to me- that I’d have to be confronted with my stump all the time- that I- I…” He could not even finish his sentence, so many raw emotions spilling out of him that it made it difficult to even speak.

Dr. Grey put his arm against Michael’s back, softly patting it as he let him blurt out his pent up feelings. “There, there, it’s all right”, he said, gently shushing the other to help him calm down. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. You being happy is thanks enough.”

The headmaster tightly held onto the doctor, letting out one final sniffle before moving back again. “…I do apologise…”, he muttered, looking at the ground. “It just means… so much…” Dr. Grey gave him a smile. “It’s all right, I assure you”, he replied. “I’m just happy that I could help you a bit with this. And now that I have main responsibility over you, my goal will be to help you even more, okay? I’m going to take care of you, sir. That is a promise.”

Michael blushed. “Words cannot express my thanks”, he eventually said. “But… do know that I appreciate it to my fullest.”

The doctor smiled. “Of course, sir”, he said. “You can always be assured of that.”

***

James still felt his heart beating in his chest as he exited Michael’s room again. He gulped, feeling his face get warmer and warmer. He… was blushing.

He thought that he had managed to stop it within himself. That he had pushed those thoughts out of his head, in order to stop the constant scolding that he had received by those close to him for years on end. That he would finally be safe from all that judgement.

…It was starting to feel more and more like that had not been the case at all, though.

…Was he having feelings for a man again…?