#fem regulus

Marlene was already sprawled across the rug with a soda in one hand, eyes turned up toward the painted ceiling. "Why does it feel like a ghost is gonna walk in and ask me to leave their parlour?"

"It’s not haunted," Sirius said. "Just pretentious."

They were all talking over each other, half-laughing, half-teasing, throwing crisps and insults like it was muscle memory. Frank and Alice were curled up together at one end of the sofa, Fabian and Gideon already halfway into a bickering match over who would win in a fight—Bugs Bunny or Roadrunner.

Then came the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Light, careful. A rhythm that didn’t match any of them.

Sirius’s head whipped around so fast it was a wonder his neck didn’t snap.

And then—

She appeared.

At the top of the staircase, pausing with one manicured hand on the railing, was a girl none of them had ever seen before. Long legs in pastel pink fuzzy socks, shorts that barely qualified as shorts, a white lacy camisole tucked haphazardly into a tiny cardigan that was more sleeve than sweater. Her hair was up in a heart-shaped claw clip, strands of shiny dark hair bouncing with every tilt of her head.

She looked confused. And sleepy. And like she’d just walked out of a fever dream.

James nearly choked on his soda.

"Who the fuck is that?" Marlene whispered, staring like she’d just seen the angel of death—but, like, hot.

The girl blinked at them all slowly, wide-eyed. "...Siri?" she asked in a soft, sugar-syrup voice.

And Sirius—unholy terror, cigarette-scented punk prince of their year group—lit the fuck up.

"Baby girl," he gasped, scrambling off the couch and hurrying over like she'd just returned from war. "Oh my God, I forgot you were home—shit, shit, are you okay? Are you hungry? Did you eat today? Why’re you up, it’s late—"

She blinked again, brightening instantly. "I was gonna make a bagel!" she said, like this was the most important announcement of the year. "With, like, Nutella and the rainbow sprinkles!"

"Oh my God," Sirius said, crouching slightly to look her in the eyes. "You’re so fucking precious. You didn’t hurt yourself, right? You didn’t fall? You remember how to use the toaster?"

"Uh-huh!" she beamed. "You push the lever thingy down and wait ‘til it screams!"

"That’s my girl," he cooed. "God, you’re so clever."

Behind him, the group was watching with abject horror and disbelief.

"Pads," James said cautiously. "...Who is that?"

Sirius turned, still half-crouched beside her. "Oh. Right. Everyone—this is my little sister."

Everyone: silence.exe.

"...You have a sister?" Peter blurted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Obviously."

"Why have you never mentioned her?!" Remus asked, half-laughing, half-concerned.

"I don’t—" Sirius flapped a hand. "She doesn’t usually, like, come downstairs when people are over. I forgot she was home."

"You forgot your sister was home," Lily repeated, incredulous.

"You forgot her," Fabian said, pointing at the girl, who was now wandering barefoot across the rug and examining the drink coasters with great interest.

"I thought you were, like, an only child," Frank said.

"Okay, but, uh—" Gideon raised a hand. "Sirius, I say this with love, but is she... okay?"

Sirius glared. "She’s fine."

"She just licked the glass table," Gideon muttered.

The girl, unbothered, plopped down on the rug in front of the TV, legs folded under her like a Disney character. "Is it movie night?!" she gasped.

Marlene made a noise. It might have been a squeak.

"Yeah, baby," Sirius said, walking over to her with the softness of someone approaching a literal bunny. "You can watch with us if you want. D’you want me to make your bagel? You’re not supposed to use the toaster without me."

"I can do it, I promise!" she said. Then paused. "Wait... do we have sprinkles shaped like stars or the rainbow ones?"

"I’ll check," he said, already heading to the kitchen like a man on a mission.

Marlene, meanwhile, was having what could only be described as a full-blown crisis.

"She’s... so cute," she whispered, pressing her fists to her cheeks.

"Don’t be weird," Lily said, kicking her.

"I’m not being weird, you’re being weird," Marlene whispered back. "I just—did you see the little bow on her sock?! I didn’t know people came like that in real life."

"She looks like a Bratz doll got lost in an old money mansion," Remus muttered.

"She looks like she thinks clouds are made of whipped cream," said James.

"I think I’m in love," said Marlene.

Sirius returned, handing off the bagel like it was a sacred relic. She clapped and bounced where she sat. "Thank you, Siri! You’re the best big brother in the whole world."

Sirius looked smug as hell. "Damn right I am."

"I told Mrs. Croft you could fly when I was little," she added. "I used to say you had wings in your jacket and that’s why you always wear it!"

James choked.

"Sirius didn’t tell me he had friends!" she said brightly, turning to them with wide eyes. "Hi, I’m Regulus!"

"Regulus?" Peter repeated.

"Isn’t that a boy’s name?" asked Fabian.

"I dunno!" she said cheerfully. "It’s mine though!"

"You’re named Regulus," Lily echoed, dazed. "But you’re a girl."

"Yuh-huh! It’s cause I’m, like, a little star! That’s what Siri said it means!"

Sirius looked smug again.

"You’re like if Barbie dropped acid in a Louis Vuitton," Gideon mumbled.

Regulus smiled at him. "Aww, thank you!"

Marlene audibly moaned.

"Okay," Remus said, clapping his hands. "Movie. Let’s focus."

Regulus climbed onto the couch, draping herself across Sirius’s lap with the grace of a house cat, still clutching her bagel. Sirius ran a hand through her hair like it was second nature.

She giggled. "You smell like weed again."

"You smell like sugar and chaos."

"Awwww."

Marlene buried her face in a pillow and screamed.

James leaned over to Lily. "I feel like we just met a Disney princess raised by wolves."

"I feel like we’ve been cursed," Lily replied.

Peter was still staring. "Did she actually lick the table?"

"Yes," said Remus.

"And I would let her do it again," said Marlene dreamily.

Regulus turned toward her. "You’re really pretty," she said suddenly.

Marlene died. Right there. Dead. Gone. Vaporized.

"...Thanks," she squeaked.

Regulus tilted her head. "Are you a cheerleader? You look like one. Or a fairy. A fairy cheerleader!"

"Okay I’m in love," Marlene whispered.

Sirius snorted. "Good luck, loser. She doesn’t date."

Regulus nodded solemnly. "Dating’s for grownups. I’m still learning the toaster."

Remus leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "I came here to get drunk and maybe watch The Breakfast Club. I didn’t come here to have an existential crisis over a girl who thinks toasters scream."

"She’s perfect," Marlene whispered.

And Sirius? Sirius just grinned, arms wrapped around his chaotic, sweet, sugar-spun little sister as the movie started to play and the rest of them tried to remember how to breathe.

Regulus was transfixed. Like, rapt. Eyes wide, lips parted slightly, bagel long forgotten and slowly sliding off her plate onto the couch cushion, sprinkles clinging to her collarbone like forgotten glitter after a rave.

It wasn’t even a particularly interesting part of the movie. Just the opening credits. Some synth-y 80s theme and a pan across a parking lot. But Regulus was staring like it was the second coming of Christ.

“She’s not blinking,” Peter whispered.

“Is she breathing?” Gideon asked.

“She does that thing where she holds her breath during exciting parts,” Sirius muttered, gently adjusting the throw blanket over her bare knees. “She’ll gasp eventually. Just wait.”

Sure enough, fifteen seconds later, Regulus inhaled sharply like she’d just come back from drowning and clapped at a passing dog in the scene.

“Oh my god,” Marlene whispered hoarsely, cradling her own face. “She’s so gone. She’s—she’s like a little goldfish. A sparkly little bimbo fish. I wanna marry her.”

“You sound insane,” said Lily, who also looked like she was seconds from asking Regulus to prom.

“I think I’m sweating,” Remus muttered.

“She can’t actually hear us, right?” Fabian asked.

“Nah,” Sirius sighed. “She’s completely checked out. Once she locks in, it’s over. Can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. Movie now. We don’t exist.”

“She’s got main character syndrome but like… main character in a Barbie satire.” James squinted. “She’s kinda unreal.”

“She’s literally got no idea what’s going on around her,” Gideon said, waving his hand in front of her face. No reaction.

“I’ve never seen anything this powerful,” Marlene muttered. She leaned forward on her knees like a lioness about to pounce. “Hey, Regulus? Reggie? Reg babe? Sweetheart? Princess? Lovebug? Gummy bear? Honeybuns? Earth to sexy goddess—?”

Nothing. Not a blink. Not even a twitch.

“She’s ignoring me,” Marlene said, horrified. “What the fuck?”

“She’s not ignoring you, loser,” Sirius said, tiredly. “She just doesn’t know you exist right now.”

“I’ll make her know me,” Marlene whispered.

“Stop being creepy,” Lily said without looking at her.

“I am not creepy, I’m in love.”

"Same thing," muttered Remus.

Marlene reached out and gently tried to flick one of Regulus’s perfectly curled strands of hair. “Just a little—maybe if I touch—”

Regulus clapped again at the TV and Marlene flinched so hard she knocked over her soda.

“Okay, for the love of—” Sirius groaned, grabbing the remote and hitting pause.

Regulus blinked. Slowly. Her gaze slid over to Sirius.

“…Huh?”

“You can keep watching in a minute,” Sirius said gently, “but I gotta explain some stuff to my dumbass friends who keep looking at you like you’re an alien with tits.”

Regulus giggled. “I’m not an alien! I’m a taurus.”

“I know you are, baby girl,” Sirius murmured, ruffling her hair with a soft affection that made the room fall quiet again. Then he looked up at them, sighing long and heavy, rubbing a hand down his face like he was dragging it through years of exhaustion.

"Okay, so, uh. Long story. Basically..." He exhaled. “My parents fucked her up.”

No one said anything.

“She was supposed to be a boy. That’s why they named her Regulus. She was like their little second heir or whatever. And when she wasn’t, they didn’t know what the hell to do with her, so they started raising her like some kind of twisted trophy daughter-slash-political pawn.”

He looked at them, eyes shadowed. “They didn’t send her to school for years. Said it was ‘wasted time’ unless it was finishing school bullshit. Like, literal ‘how to walk in heels and balance a book on your head’ type shit. Tutors in deportment. Etiquette. French. Fashion. Marriage readiness. Everything else? ‘Unnecessary.’”

"Wait," said Remus, "you’re telling me—?"

“They trained her,” Sirius interrupted, “to smile, twirl her hair, laugh at bad jokes, and sit still. They wanted her quiet, pretty, and marketable. She’s sixteen and didn’t learn how to write a full sentence until like, three years ago.”

"That’s fucked," Alice breathed.

“She’s not dumb,” Sirius added quickly, defensively. “She’s just…” He looked over at her, softening. “They made her this way. They wanted a perfect little doll, and she became one. Sweetest thing you’ll ever meet. Doesn’t even know how sad she is. Doesn’t know any of it’s wrong. But she’s not stupid. Just… airheaded. Distracted. Baby-brained. And I love her more than anything in the fucking world.”

Regulus blinked again and smiled brightly. “I’m gonna be on Dancing with the Stars one day!”

“You sure are, baby,” Sirius cooed.

Marlene looked like she’d just burst into silent tears. “Oh my god. I’m going to protect her with my life. I’ll kill for her.”

“You don’t even know her,” Fabian muttered.

“I would die for her,” Marlene hissed. “I’ll buy her sprinkles. I’ll watch Barbie movies with her. I’ll paint her nails and braid her hair and tell her she’s a goddess every single day—”

“She has a boyfriend,” Sirius said flatly.

Marlene stopped. Turned. “What?”

“His name’s Evan. Rosier. They’ve been ‘dating’ since they were kids. It’s a family arrangement.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Evan Rosier? That guy’s got rage issues.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on my parents,” Sirius said. “Because Evan’s about as straight as a MoMA sculpture. He’s been dating Reg’s other friend Barty since they were fourteen. Real ‘sword-fighting under the bleachers’ type love story.”

“…And Reg?” Marlene asked, voice small.

“They’re just friends. Like siblings almost. Evan’s actually better at looking after her than I am sometimes. She’s also best friends with his twin sister Pandora, who’s like… if moonlight turned into a ballet dancer who vapes lavender oil and talks to ghosts.”

Peter blinked. “What the hell kind of ecosystem is this?”

“Oh,” Sirius added, “and I’m like 95% sure Dorcas is in love with Reg too.”

“WHAT?” Marlene yelped, clutching her chest like she’d been shot.

“Calm down, Shakespeare,” James muttered.

“They don’t talk about it,” Sirius said with a shrug. “Dorcas just kinda looms. Brings her gifts and braids her hair. Reg thinks she’s just ‘really nice.’ It’s tragic.”

“I could be nicer,” Marlene muttered under her breath.

"You don’t even go here," Gideon quipped.

Marlene ignored them, turning her attention back to Regulus with laser focus. She moved closer, ever so slightly, like a hunter trying not to spook a deer.

“Regulus?” she tried again, voice soft. “Sweetheart? Baby? Gorgeous? Divine creature? Light of my life?”

Regulus didn’t flinch.

Marlene whimpered. “Sirius, pause the movie again!”

“No. Absolutely not,” Sirius said, flopping back into his seat. “If you think I’m gonna be the one to break her hyperfocus again and explain that mess twice, you’re out of your mind. You’re just gonna have to wait until the movie ends.”

“How long is the movie?” Marlene asked, breathless.

“Two hours.”

Marlene lay back and groaned like someone had just informed her that her wedding had been canceled.

“Two hours,” she whispered, covering her face with both hands. “That’s two hours of me being in love and her not knowing I exist.”

“She will,” Sirius said dryly, cracking open a beer. “Eventually. They all do.”

Everyone turned to stare at him.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Lily asked.

Sirius just smirked.

On the screen, a dog barked. Regulus squealed and pointed. “PUPPY!!” she shouted.

Marlene visibly swooned.