#feeling older

Woke up suddenly to my heart pounding against my chest, and nausea. 😵‍💫 It scared me good, but this isn’t a complete random accordance. *sigh* Also….I’m most definitely not pregnant, if you were wondering. It’s most definitely to do with my hormones though. No doubt about it. It is all Phil & Mod’s fault!!!

Philomena & Modwenna, code names for my PMDD & my Perimenopause. 😭 I give myself full permission to hate them both! *sigh* But in a way, it’s like hating apart of myself though. Now I feel bad. Cause I don’t hate or dislike myself. Or maybe I do? Darn it!

These two life impacting health conditions have completely altered my life. It also greatly complicates my relationships, my social life and interactions. It 100% does not reflect the real me. I now have new exciting dreams and ambitions, but also my energy and endurance sees to be greatly dwindling. It feels so much out of my control. 💔

After waking up feeling terrible, I am proud that I didn’t panic and knew exactly how to care for myself. After a few pills, cuddles w/ my fur baby and a good burp; my heart rate is back to normal and nausea gone. I know; it is alot to deal with, but I must do it to overall function. I am glad that I am able to care for myself well enough. God continues to teach me to be a good stewart with my body. It’s part of truly loving myself despite its dramatic inner flaws.

Dear Lord, please continue to teach me how to better love myself. Which will also enrich my love for others. Thank you so much for choosing to love me first. To this day, I’m still not worthy of it, but that it what GRACE is. By your Son, who willing chose to take upon himself my deserved death sentence, which was already forged by my destined sins. He Made A Way! Thank you, Jesus. 🩷✝️

Anyway here’s some of my shelves atm. Don’t mind the completely twitch safe colour over on Uzaki’s mom. I had to get her for the laugh tbh

Successfully made it to 28! Celebrated with family by dining out at my favorite Korean restaurant. (drinking hot Citron tea) And I am happy to be sharing it with you all here on Tumblr this year 😄❤🎂 Glad to also share this day with these two people!

By Lindsey Tanner, AP, December 15, 2014

CHICAGO--How old do you feel? Think carefully--the answer might help predict how much longer you’ll live. That’s according to British research posing that question to about 6,500 adults. Those who felt younger than their real age lived the longest over the following eight years.

Here are five key findings from the study, by researchers Isla Rippon and Andrew Steptoe at University College London. Results were published online Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine:

The average real age of those questioned was about 66 years. Most adults felt at least three years younger than their real age. Those who felt younger had the least chances of dying over about eight years after the age question was asked. Adults who felt older than their actual age had the greatest chances of dying in that period.

The researchers analyzed data from a study in England on aging that included information on deaths during a follow-up period that ended in February 2013; deaths totaled 1,030. About 14 percent of the young-feeling adults died during the follow-up, versus 19 percent of those who felt their actual age and 25 percent of those who felt older.

Feeling older was a predictor of death even when the researchers accounted for things that could affect death rates, including illnesses, wealth, education, smoking, alcohol intake and physical activity. Older-feeling adults were about 40 percent more likely to die than younger-feeling adults.

The researchers did a separate test, excluding deaths within a year of when the age question was asked. The idea was to see if answers from people already dying might have explained the link between feeling old and death. The link persisted even without those first-year deaths.

I still remember the day i was depressed because i just turned 18.

All girls wanted to be older, i wanted to be younger.

I want a portrait in my attic with 17 forever, no matter how silly i was... or still am. But just like Murakami said: Only the dead stay seventeen forever.