#feeling isolated

I didn't date until I was in my early 20's and i was out of college. I was terrified of being a lesbian and I knew boys grossed me out so I just waited.

In retrospect I was really not ready or that interested in dating while in college. I just felt that i didn't have the time or energy and literally no one really interested me enough to give up my focus on school, friends and coming out (not coming out. Yet everyone and thing (movies, TV, magazines, music etc) was telling me I HAD to date in order to be a "normal" teenager to early 20's women. It took some effort to just not date.

Most of us lesbians feel that our dating is already pretty small and then to have the knowledge (that straight people forget) that we are not attracted physically to all woman. AND even in the group of those we find physically attractive there are even few we share similar values and interests with.

This numbers game can really mess with our heads and panic our hearts. The key is to expand your world as you go. Don't be afraid to attend events or gatherings you are unsure about.

Follow what you are interested in. If you love cats volunteer at a shelter or rescue non profit. Attend their events, take the training. If you love reading lesbian history volunteer at the lesbians or lgbt+ archives at your school or at a place nearby. Start a simple book club or Cat Chat or Dog Discussion for lesbians using the meet up app or good old fashioned black and white fliers.

Attend women's festivals or music venues that feature women singers. Seek lesbians publications of zines on line and subscribe. If you attend a group or event and it is not for you take in that experience and move on.

The desire to feel desirable

Do you know that the number one lie is, “I’m fine?”

Really, it is, you can look it up. So, I wonder about all the lonely people, who say “I’m fine.”

What happens to them if they stay lonely forever?

I mean–maybe their world began to crash, like a tsunami burning pools of chaos at their feet over and over. Because that does something to a person, you know? Tragedies piling on top of catastrophes–fast & heatedly. So, after every forfeiture–they crash, like that first wave and begin to retreat, following each new episode–exhausted. 

But I bet withdrawing can be lethal–it becomes comfortable.

And maybe they do it unknowingly–but before long, being alone, becomes as comforting as wearing their favorite hoodie jacket. I don’t know.

But I want to help them all, don’t you?

Because I know so many get hit hard by life. And they say “it makes you stronger,” but it breaks people, too.

And isn’t that, ok? That they break? I think so.

Because not much can throw punches harder than life. So, I wonder about all the lonely people.

What happens to them if they stay lonely forever?

Gosh, I hope something beautiful happens for them. Like one day it all transforms and they wake-up to a lovely life.

Because life can get really lonely, sometimes, I know.

_____________________

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A lot of people say that they have no idea what I’m feeling or how I’m reacting to their comments, because it all sounds the same, then they say they’re always worried that they upset me or that I’m angry.

I’m never angry at anyone, I just don’t emote very much which can come off as me being passive, moody, bored, tired, etc.

But I can’t stand putting on a tone, it’s so mentally draining to constantly emphasise my tone to fit what I mean, but it’s not nice to have people think I hate them either.

I’ve never met anyone else who’s struggled with this, this isn’t just resting bitch face this is resting bitch voice. It makes me nervous to talk to people, because I know they’re going to take something I say the wrong way because of my natural relaxed tone.