#feeling hour

I woke up with a faint chest pain, it was probably the tiny couch i slept on or something.

It's only today when I noticed the change in our Facebook relationship. 

I'm either a bit slow or she took her time executing that final click, after all it's been 2 weeks since her last message, telling me that she can't even 'do friends' anymore.

Part of me always knew this day would come. From my own upbringing and past experiences, i always knew that everything good must eventually end. Since two years ago I tried not to get too attached and overly sentimental, especially when I know this: Everything good must eventually end. Even though she was so seductive and seemingly perfect when we first met, I always held myself back because part of me knew this dream won't last forever; we all gotta wake up sometime. Ironically that is partly the reason why we didn't work out. Funny that.

Life is a constant cycle of chaos, of good things and bad things, and it can be very beautiful if you play your cards right at the right time. I'm a gambler, so i knew what I was getting into before I start. There is no doubt in my mind that I played against the odds and lost. Fortunately for me, I knew the odds so I didn't go all in. For other good/bad things to happen, whatever is making you happy/sad now will end. That's probably why I grew more and more cynical upon this realization. The silver lining being whatever comes next can be better, or worse than what you had before. One idealist can only hope for the best, while I can feel the cynical self swallowing the romantic.

I'm no longer that nice guy from 4 years ago, so i'm not going to sugarcoat it. She once represented a version of my ideal self: her eternal youth symbolized the idealization and actualization of my own romanticism. And I gave her things and asked for nothing in return. Despite of her actually listening and caring and believing everything I had to tell, one day she took the other side and it all changed from there. I guess we'll always have the memory of that ball.

But I have to admit, I don't feel sad right now, and I don't even feel angry anymore. I feel relived, unchained, and awake for the first time in weeks.

"Being 'just friends' is probably a living hell, you're in front of a beautiful woman whom you're sexually attractive to, yet you can't do anything about it because if you do, she'll be like, 'what the fuck?' and freak out" - Me

I said that to my flatmate last night in a conversation we had. He stated that being the gay friend is probably worse, although I disagree: At least being a gay friend, you're gay. i.e. you like dudes, so...different genitals.  And the most important part is you're not physically attracted to the girl.

Let's be honest, i've been there (the 'just friends' by the way). Many times actually. I've received the 'just friends' speech more times than i can remember. I've heard different variations of practically the same speech, sure the wording may be different but the message essentially is the same: 

'I don't feel that way about you'.

'You're great, but I don't think it's a good idea'

'Don't mean to be a bitch and you're a great friend, but i don't feel that way'

'You're like a brother to me'

'You're the nicest guy I know but it's not going to work'

'It's not you, it's me.'

'Ah...I think you may have the wrong idea here.'

'Your friendship means too much to me.'

'Imagine us being together, that would just be weird.'

'..what if we don't work out, we would end up not being friends'

'You're a nice guy, but I think we should just be friends'

And the list goes on…

95% of the time, after i tell a girl that I have slight hint of feelings towards her, she withdraws, which seriously mess people up when you think about it… 

'So...Hang on, you said we shouldn't because we're such great friends, yet you're withdrawing now because you feel like i'm one of them? One of the guys who wants to be with you, even though the chances are I'll probably treat you better than most of the guys out there?'

Now you tell me, where's the logic in that?

*to be continued*

A long time ago, i wasn't like this. I never really act upon my feelings, in a sense I tried to distance myself from anything emotional for a while, because it shows weakness and I would be vulnerable. Loneliness made me invincible. During all that time I tried to shut my emotions down, I tried to metaphorically freeze my heart in a little ice box. Yet 3 years on and I somehow turned into this gooey and romantic guy who tried to find the person who would make him want to start a relationship and ultimately believe in marriage.

Yeah, not the firmest believer of marriage. If my parents have taught me anything, being married is just another label in the world. Sure there's the legal complication that comes with it but my views are: at the end of the day, I'm not the marrying type. I think it's dumb, because if you love someone enough anyway, how is a piece of paper with signatures gonna change anything? And what good is marriage life? I have something friends who got married. And what do they do? Baking cookies and muffins, be all gooey and romantic and bring on the commitment that is suppose to last a lifetime. Let's not mention the boredom in the bedroom. So yeah, not the biggest fan of marriage. Period.

Though I would admit that view may have changed a little after the last relationship, she believed in marriage and for a brief moment, i thought i did. And while that relationship was down the drain and here I go again, feeling a little confused and lightheaded about someone else. What should I do? Traditionally I have 2 options really: Be hung up about this 1 person, like 1 of my readers right now, and constantly try to figure out 'why does (s)he not think i'm perfect' and shut down all other windows of opportunity, or be aggressive towards someone to display my frustration and possibly take on 7 evil exes… 

Or 3rd option, as I've learned from the past experiences…Let go. Move on with my life. That magically scenario where everything would work out and you two would live happily ever after will never happen dumbass. Last thing I need right now is being hung up on another person, and even though I'm terrible at being single and we all know I would be a terrific boyfriend, I have settled for being single terribly right now. Because at the end of the day, I'm not perfect. But I'm okay with that. Are you okay with that?

Sorry, but I don't believe in the afterlife.

I remember back when the night my grandpa passed away, back when i was 17, I actually got on my knees, prayed to God while tears ran down my face. I prayed to God that there is an afterlife. Then i felt anger, immerse pain was burning through my chest and i was furious.

You see, my grandpa had been working for the past 60 odd years, he only started traveling recently in the past 3 years, while he may not had been the model parent to my father, he was the perfect grandpa for me. He was there for me, all of it, regardless of the weather. To be fair, in fact no, it's really unfair because Death took him away too soon, he never got to see me turning into the man i am now. Then i thought, if there's a God and there is an afterlife. Shouldn't He gives us the instruction to this heaven before we played this game we call life? How is that benevolent and kind?

That's when i realize. There's no afterlife. It's only now, this life is it. So i actually did carpe diem, i seized the day. I built up courage to talk to people, i actually asked a girl out. And got some. High five Grandpa!

While it's sad that i will never see my grandpa again, i realized something. By living in my memory, he achieved something we all craved for: immortality. While the tragedy is we will never reunite with the ones we love again, we should appreciate the miracle itself. Through all of time and space, we get to meet the ones we love, spend precious and seemingly brief time with them, become part of each other's memories and live forever. Isn't that better than any unrealistic rewards by some ambiguous creator? And after three years, i think I understand the true meaning of 'Finis Vitae Sed Non Amoris'. The end of life, but not of love.

Having that special someone with me, cuddling in a bed, slowly undressing each other, and just lie there. Together. Comfortably. Sex doesn't have to come into it, we can lay there and feel each other's skin touching against our own. Having my arms wrap around her. Sharing our warmth and listen to each other's heartbeat. Holding each other tight while we talk about whatever's on our mind. Listening to her as she speaks and respond accordingly. Closing our eyes as our lips touch. In that moment she appears in my conscious, becoming my soulmate and transforming into part of my mind forever. Then we stare into each others' eyes and whisper those three words.