#andy 101

"O'Rorke!" We yelled as we saw a group of university students across the street. We weren't from O'Rorke, and we never even liked the place. But for the time being, it seemed like an appropriate way to relate to these people. "University Hall!" They yelled back.

I guess i could get all jaded right away and say congratulation to those kids. They are going to have the best year of their lives. The world would appears to sit comfortable on the palm of their hands. They would feel like they can take on anything.

I knew that because i was one of them. It seemed like once upon a time now. At least that's how I feel about the past three years. Three years ago I stepped into a fairytale, my own fairytale.

But in my fairytale there wasn't a prince, or a princess to be rescued, but there were love to be found and lost, people to be known and forgotten, places to visit and things to learn.  That's the past three years of my life. While I can't say I loved every moment of it, I'm glad it happened, and I loved the fact that it ended on a bittersweet note, or else it might have turned in a nightmare, because i learned that nothing great is meant to last forever.

Mmm...i assume you want a list? Here are the top 3. 

http://rachel-h.tumblr.com/

http://gthegentleman.tumblr.com/

http://happinesshither-.tumblr.com

Ah yes, new years. First of all. Happy new year. And here's my list of (hopefully not empty) promises of the year...as in time for my new years resolution. I don't think I've ever stuck by these...But hey, i got a feeling this year might be different. This is the year we're all suppose to die, so i think this year is better than any to start actually following these silly little resolutions.

Anyway, enough rambling. Here's my list:

Start being like Chris Traeger (from Parks and Recreation). As in go for a 10 k jog just for run everyday (ok realistically, maybe start with 2.5 and work up). Say everything is "literally the best!" and just be positive. Because I loved positive andy.

Write a diary. Something tells me this might actually be fun. Haven't written a diary since i was maybe 8? And my favourite lecturer from uni still writes in his diary, and he's like 30 at least? I dunno, James is pretty damn badass and i never asked how old he is. And what's more sexy than a grown man who writes in a diary? A man who doesn't? xD

Start being 1/3 vegetarian. This one might actually be the hardest thing out of this list. Very much like Ron Swanson, my preferred snack is anything involved bacon (or meat in general)...bacon strips wrapped around a turkey leg = Swanson (and it's bloody delicious!). And yes, fish is practically a vegetable, but pizza isn't...sorry america. But by being 1/3 vegetarian, i mean one main meal (lunch) everyday must be fully vegetarian...which reminds me of trying to convert to vegetarianism back at IH, that lasted 3 days til the burgers came out. Better luck this time?

Continue to be awesome. Just because we're awesome doesn't mean we're not adults! *cry* And what's the point of being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes?

Carry on writing, entertaining others, believe in myself, my friends, my family...most importantly, even when times are tough, believe in the best of humanity.

For the first time in my life, I really don't know what to do, which is actually a new feeling for me. Because in the past i've always followed my heart (or brain, if you want to get scientific), or relied on parents' and friends' advices if I'm confused, and (un)fortunately for me, everything up to this point at my life has always worked out somehow.

But lately, I'm not so sure. For the first time in my life, my biggest fear is in fact that I'm inadequate, it's not me being powerful beyond measure, it is most certainly the darkness that frightens me. And it's not a "lack of self confidence" thing, it's not a "setting myself a high expectation" thing, i think it's actual harsh reality. And that scares me quite a bit.

For as long as i can remember, human behaviour, and psychology in general, has been something I'm always interested in, so understandably, psychology became my major. While every psych major who first started look forward to the day they can do clinical psychology, that has never been me. It has always been behavioral psychology for me, since day one when Doug talked about the Law of Effect, because the concept of reinforcement and punishment makes the most sense to me, and in a lot of ways, that was the way I was raised.

Therefore i was overjoyed when I found out there's a specific discipline of psychology that uses principles of conditioning with people. I knew it was the thing I've been waiting for. So like most people would, I applied for it obviously. But when the question of "In fewer than 100 words, how did your interests in ABA begins?" comes up. I panicked. How am i suppose to sum up the past 21 years of interests in 100 words? Which part should I include? 

I should probably mention my own desire to help children with disabilities. I should probably mention my own past and how ABA speaks to me on a personal level. I should probably mention the fact that I volunteered to help children with broken homes and learning disabilities. I should probably mention my intention to research and see what's the best way to help children managing their disabilities. I should probably mention how I think that most children are misunderstood and punished without sensible explanations. I should probably mention my own aspiration to help as many children as i can, because i believe that one person can make a difference and childhood experience can have massive impact on someone's lives.

But all that in 100 words? I didn't make it. I couldn't make it. I talked about my own past and briefly mentioned my desire to help children. But that's all i got in for 100 words. Is 100 words alone enough on judging whether someone's worthy to study something? Does a good grade truly reflect on whether someone has passion on a topic, or maybe they are simply great at remembering the textbook, or maybe they are great at answering the questions the way you want them to?

I doubt many of you would knows this, but I'm currently planning my birthday dinner for my 21st birthday...And for the few who does, one of them would know that I'm not too keen on a big party, because i don't like being the center of attention, so i told my friend.

Another reason is because I know the guest of honour would never show. In fact I'm actually scared to send her an invite, even though she promised she'd be there no matter what at the beginning of the year. I think most of my close friends know exactly who I'm referring to, because I've been punishing myself this whole year for what has happened between us.

What has occurred between us was referred to her as a betrayal. And unfortunately for me, I didn't disagree for her at the time, i didn't even try to argue and say why I had to do what I did, I just gave in. And even though I've apologized plenty of times afterwards, i paid for the ultimate price. She was my best friend, and it did feel like she was the love of my life; she knew me better than anyone i ever knew, including myself. That's why I punish myself to this day for what has happened, that's why I look in the mirror every morning and hate myself for what I've done.

This other girl actually once said to me, "Andy, maybe you're being too harsh on yourself, you should forgive yourself and move on." But how could I? I literally lost my best friend. She literally don't give a damn about me and that's probably the worst part. At least if she's mad at me then I can try and redeem myself. To her I'm practically invisible. I saw her once in public and she noticed right away, then she walked the opposite direction right in front of me. That was the day when I hated myself most, the day when self-loathing skyrocketed to such great heights. That was the moment lasted forever, because i know from that moment on, I'll never get to see her again, and that feeling right now, is possibly the worst feeling in the world.

The lesson here isn't how girls are evil and mean, and boys are the one who gives in, I don't even think there's a lesson here. But if there is any moral to this story, that is: To fight for the one you care about, and when you have someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, do yourself a favour and don't fuck it up.

Your friend,

The funny thing about politics is that everyone has an opinion about it, regardless of whether we exercise free speech or not. It's understandable, we all think we know how the world should be run, how people should behave, how the government should respond to different issues.

Much like everyone else, I have my own opinion too. I don't like to put a label on it. Some people would say I'm liberal, because of my open-mindedness in terns of political and social views, because ideologies like free market appeals to me, and even political views like Libertarian and Meritocracy seemed fascinating…And after all this time of not talking about politics, there is a combination of factors why I'm talking politics now.

Firstly, it's election time in New Zealand. For the past few years, a certain someone has consistently asked me whether I vote for Labour or National, and I've consistently refused to answer her question. Now it's time to choose and vote and exercise my political power. While traditionally my entire family have the tendency to vote for Labour, partially due to Labour's past apologetical address towards the Chinese Poll Tax. Personally I do not see the appeal of voting for Labour, simply due to their idealistic views on the economy and their lack of efficient social policies. Nor National for that matter. Personally I believe that free market is fine, as long as there is equal opportunity for everyone (universal welfare, education and healthcare?). How very John Rawls of me huh?

Secondly, the Occupy Wall Street movement. In Auckland we have our Auckland equivalent: Occupy Aotea Square, which is literally down the road from my place. While I support their views in theory, i don't see the practicality in trespassing/having a camping trip to challenge "Corporate Greed". I believe it was US President Theodore Roosevelt (A Republican President) who once said business should have no affairs in politics. But then things have changed: Lobbyists, who works for corporations, control politicians. So i don't think having a camping trip in front of a town hall helps challenge the status quo, because you're not challenging the 'broken' system, you're simply having a camping trip; sure they may hear you, but what makes you think they'd give a damn now? And just sitting there in front of a computer bitching about your life (the "We're the 99%" movement) doesn't help either.

I'm not asking for a revolution, so you should leave your 'Viva La Revolution' banner back in your closet. I'm saying if you want to challenge corporate greed, don't just take a picture of you holding a piece of paper and saying you're the 99%, because what use is that 99% if they all just stay home and take pictures of themselves. Go challenge the system as a whole, and don't have a freaking Occupy movement and wait for people to feel sorry for you, because as much as they want to, the politicians (who actually care) do not know how to help you. Go do something different and actually practical. Be original. Nobody said it's going to be easy, and for the love of God, please, actually educate yourself before you speak.