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After seeing the impact @ReclaimYourVoice events were having on people’s lives, I became passionate about continuing the work. My fear of public speaking was still something I had to deal with and it was a challenge every time I had to stand in front of the room as the host. But not only did I keep doing it, I also found myself going to open mics around the city so that I could let people know about our events. I would perform my Firefly poem and then finish by speaking about Reclaim Your Voice. I must admit I surprised myself; I’d spent my entire life fiercely dreading ever being on stage and here I was taking the initiative to do so because I believed in this cause so much. I was doing things to raise awareness for the survivor community that I was never willing to do for myself with my photography business. I was now willing to try and fail. I was willing to face rejection. I was willing to face my greatest fears. And despite the fact that this meant constantly making myself uncomfortable, and despite the fact that I was doing all of this for free(dom), I had never felt more fulfilled in my life.
Day 209 of the 365 day challenge
Last winter I remember having to face my fears. I had to climb on my roof and clean my chimney because if I don't then no one will. And I want my fireplace with hot cocoa...anyways I remember almost dying and yet I'm still here.
A Sense of Wonder (Part 1)
In my quest for thankfulness, for vanquishing fears, and for finding greatness in even the most mundane and beauty in brokeness, I have been learning the art of childlike wonder.
In my fear of getting lost during my trip I often found myself not foccussing on what loveliness was around me and instead worrying, panicking and cloudy minded. It was so hard to relax and breathe and feel good about my trip because I was so concerned with getting lost. My goal to do it even if I'm scared was not being accomplished here, because I wasn't really experiencing this fully. No. I quickly decided that I needed to eliminate this ...I needed to find a way to enjoy myself and face my fears without being so aware that I was in fact facing my fears.Â
I decided to teach myself purposeful wonder. When I was on the train, not worried about how I would get to my next location and all of the amazing scenery was passing me by I was in awe. Wowed and stunned by the wondrous creations of God that were being presented to me. I felt as though God was speaking to me and saying "look, I made this for you." I would replicate that. How? By stopping.Â
Anytime I was worried I would stop. Literally stop in my tracks.
Walking in Edinburgh, map in hand, worried I find a seat put the map away and look around at the cobblestone streets, at the ferris wheel, the blue sky and towering buildings, so different from the ones at home, and think "wow". I say it. I think it. Wow. Wow wow wow. I breathe and smell the fresh cold air, the kind you only get in December, and of chocolate floating in from the Edinburgh Christmas Market, adding a feeling of warmth to the winter day smell. Wow. Look at where I am! Look at what I can see! All I need to do is look around to enjoy myself. All I need to do is appreciate this. Right here in this moment, I need nothing else to have a good time. I breathe again and notice the pleasant sound of bagpipes floating towards me, the Scottish voices of people around me mixing together to form a soundtrack of Scotland, reminding me where I was. Wow. I stand and buy myself something tasty, small, and I walk and taste. I enjoy. Marveling at the fact that I am experiencing this deliciousness in Scotland. That I made it here. How blessed.
I found myself going from wow to thank you. This wonder, however purposeful it started, was now just real. And it made me thankful. Trying to achieve wonder turned into real wonder and marvel, childlike even, as I re-discovered the loveliness of chocolate, blue skies and ferris wheels.Â
When I was relaxed again, I spoke to myself and said "you will find your way home. You will. If you get lost all you have to do is ask." And then I was on my way.Â
