#ruby l.s. speaks

What if I can't break free What if I never truly see What if there's still more buried In the deepest parts of me.. Will you still be waiting?

Keep it to myself So call it pride. Heart kept on a shelf Makes it easier to hide. Yet all of this I'm feeling Can't be denied. Held me when I was asleep and you Hold me when I cry.. Have you felt me lately?

More marks on my skin To move closer to you. Shedding baggage of my kin When will this all be through? Not sure I'll make it to the end Mind - body battered Heart now a permanent bruise.. Do you still blame me?

Legs long past gone weak. Depths of my being I aim to seek. Damning my pride - and the will to be meek. Reclaim my voice now time to speak.. Can you hear what I'm saying?

Be who I am, but it's more like too late. At the finish line, or barely approaching the gate and I don't know how much longer I can carry on in this state.  I'm sick of these walls. 

I've always maintained and kept it together.  No burden too heavy - collecting my feathers.  No matter the storm I was sent to weather.  Something inside me stood tall.

From hating my name. My appearance bringing shame. Alley cat or evil beast set to tame. Now once and for All. 

Ridiculed and fooled. What they did to me was cruel. Sometimes I wish I had just drowned in that pool. Or don't wake up next time I fall.

Can they see into my Soul?  Or do they see the gaping hole?  Fire just making me more cold. Full of audacity and gall.

Turned quiet as a mouse. One way ticket to the South. Taking my voice - sewing my mouth and keeping me small.

Maybe I do just have to die.  Then I won't have to keep living this lie. Free birds with wings were meant to fly. Reset settings to default.

The death of me is real. Grab your onions from the field. This hurt in me I had to heal. Care of Sekhmet and Ba'al.

~Ruby L.S.~

It’s like.. The rushing of a busy highway. Like… The back alley of a dive bar And the band is on intermission Going over the lyrics. Next song selected will make Them listen. It’s like.. The hurried and hushed Whispers of an airport. Like… The bustle of a busy street At the end of a workday. Whispers or yells all sound the same. Trying to make out what they say. The interwoven intersections Traffic jammed everyday. Close your eyes - the words tick by As if on display. It’s all in how - you let the mind play.

Waves flow in like tidals. Clarity comes sitting idle. Or waves come in so smooth Supporting your every move With nothing to prove. It’s the silence that bangs out The dopest grooves. And sometimes it’s the blues - sent to Ease my moods. If I didn’t have these guides - Not sure what I’d do. Always pulling me through. So I don’t lose Any parts of me. Sometimes it’s all in what you see. Visions can come by three. And show you how to be free. Just gotta believe.

And now back to that sound That seems to be All around. You can feel it If you touch the ground. Different octaves Float within the clouds. Sometimes it’s loud And you can’t really prove how. You won’t always see it Looking around. It’s a resonance now. Coming from within Way deep down.

~Ruby L.S.~

From every person I meet, know of and speak to. My mind maintains an intricate filing system I can peek through. Dewey decimel-esque - recalling on minute details. Full of life stories and picture mails. It's almost like unwinding someone's entrails.

Fast forward or rewind - plays out inside my mind. I can see a life in colour and times when they went dark. In their final day - or where they got their start. Don't know if this is what I would call smart When most of what I see tends to hurt my heart.

So many Souls that have regrets. And they don't even seem to know it yet. "Yea, whatever you say", "I'll live my life my way!" But it's in my mind always on replay. And continues to haunt me every single day.

I never asked to see anyone's life or maybe I did. Most times what I see isn't nice, I was just a kid. Genie granting wishes thrice - just rub the lid. This is the price - that I was bid.

Public enemy number one. Everywhere I go someone tries to keep me under their thumb.  Sit here, do this, don't do that, nothing I ever do is ok.  Critque how I live, my choices and what I have to say. But sit and line up to watch me everyday. It must be some sick joke - when I have such disdain for attention yet seem to attract it everywhere I go.  Do I fucking glow? Does my discomfort show?  Can't hide myself fast enough as these wounds continue to grow. 

To keep a simple thought straight… My, would that be great. Yet my mind weaves like a basket. Pull a strand and seal my fate.

But I like it. Think like me, sometimes I wish they would. Peer through the darkness - and see some good. Been so afraid to take off this hood. It’s hard to keep a secret seeing more than you should.

So we flow with the waves as they come. Born defiant - mind wont behave - heart on the run. Tired mind tricks and more games are played under the Sun. As my existence from this reality begins to fade back into the One.

Way up there in the pool I feel consumed. Not squeezed to death - don’t have to hold my breath or feel entombed. Mazes with endless ways, phases and rooms. Four corners behind my back - enhance my blooms.

~Ruby L.S.~

⁂

Everything I had, you took it all. Now no one gets close, I've got these walls. Afraid to take a step, for if I fall. Forced to take off running, can barely crawl.

Leaving you I'll feel relief. Seven realizations to keep it brief. Patching up some holes with these new leaves. Away the wind will take me on this breeze.

Mountain climbing was not my suit. Forest dwelling is the proof. Darkness fades, clouds on the move. Freedom harken, breaking loose.

Swimming deep I found a Rose. What got wet, barely my toes. Learning lessons, it's what you show. Humbled deeply and forced to grow.

Quiet growth or making waves. Sequenced melodies make them behave. Feelers growing, oh my days! Learning to revolve these power plays.

~Ruby L.S.~