Faust isn’t a vampire, he’s just a very judgmental cat in disguise ✦

✦ Hisses when touched unexpectedly

✦ Pretends he doesn’t want affection, but melts if you earn it

✦ Sits in high, cold places and silently judges

✦ Needs to be fed before he tolerates company

✦ Knocks things off tables just to establish dominance

✦ Pretends he came for one thing but stays longer than intended

✦ Only purrs when he thinks no one’s listening

✦ Won’t admit he’s lonely

✦ Can’t handle praise without getting aggressive about it

✦ Stares at you for 20 minutes straight without blinking, just to make you uncomfortable

🚓 CHARGE: Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter (via Megane Glint)

Description: Subject adjusted his glasses at dusk. Megane glint triggered a +300 percent Smugness Burst (Level 99). Driver failed Perception Check.

AOE Effect (Radius: 20 meters): • Carriage (HP 340 to 0), instant knockout • Pedestrian A, slipped and inflicted with Embarrassment for 3 turns • Pedestrian B, slipped and inflicted with Minor Ego Damage for 2 turns • Vlad’s floral cart, hit with Critical Damage times 4 and obliterated • Horse, Fear Status applied, duration unknown • Aristocrat, failed Wisdom Save and dove into fountain • Streetlamp, gained Sentience briefly and became permanently offended

Environmental Debuffs Applied: • Chaos increased by 50 percent • Cobblestones became 20 percent wetter • Vlad’s mood decreased by 100 percent

Witness Audio Log: A faint “hmph.” detected before impact. Suspect shows no remorse. Possibly proud.

📺 Sinful Science ASMR with Dr. Johann Faust

Episode 1: “Sinful Science for Sleepless Souls”

🕯️ The setting: A dimly lit room filled with candlelight, shelves of mysterious vials, and a microphone that looks like it was handcrafted by a haunted Victorian inventor. Faust sits before it in a sheer black robe, a velvet choker around his throat reading: “SCIENCE IS FOREPLAY.” The mic crackles. You feel it in your bones.

FAUST (whispering, dangerously close):

“Good evening, my darling anomalies… Tonight we will be exploring the sound of seduction… …and entropy.”

(A soft clink of glass vials as he runs gloved fingers over his alchemy set.)

“First… let’s talk about friction. It’s the resistance between two surfaces… …or between lips about to confess something unspeakable.”

(Sound: the faint rub of velvet on velvet.)

“Did you know… chemical bonds can be polar? Just like us. Opposites. Pulled together by tension… …and mutual curiosity.”

(Sound: slow liquid pour. Possibly wine. Possibly something labeled do not drink.)

“Some molecules bind tightly. Others dance… …orbiting. Teasing. Like you, refusing to tell me what you’re thinking right now.”

(Sound: a slow, sensual exhale.)

“I ran an experiment last night. Variable A: heat. Variable B: pressure. Result? Someone sighed through their teeth. Would you like to replicate it?”

(Sound: faint hiss as he uncorks a vial. The scent is lust and bergamot.)

“Let’s talk about decay. Everything breaks down. Even dignity. Especially when you say things like ‘Newton’s Third Law of Motion’ …while biting your lower lip.”

(Sound: a deliberate page turn, straight from his diary. You can hear the blush.)

“I once whispered the periodic table in bed. They passed out at Boron. Coward.”

(Sound: teeth graze the mic. Just barely.)

“You know what isn’t a noble gas? Me. I react to everything you do. Especially when you breathe like that.”

(He goes quiet for a moment. You can hear his smile.)

“Sleep tight, my little electron. Dream of collisions. And consequences.”

(Sound: a kiss, blown directly into your soul.)

⚡ “This has been… Sinful Science ASMR. Like, comment, or… combust. I’ll see you next time. Probably in your dreams.”

Next time on Sinful Science ASMR…

Dim lights. One spotlight cuts through smoke. Faust steps forward, straight-backed, glasses glinting. He surveys the crowd with clinical detachment, like specimens in jars.

Faust (dry, disdainful):

“Good evening. I was told this is where mortals gather to… laugh. A bizarre coping mechanism, but then again, so is religion.”

Awkward chuckles ripple through the audience. He tilts his head, unimpressed.

Faust:

“Do not expect me to pander. I am not here to tell jokes. I am here to hold up a mirror to your collective mediocrity. Which, judging by your expressions, is already entertainment enough.”

Pause. He adjusts his glasses with surgical precision.

Faust (smirking faintly):

“But very well. Shall we begin?

Tell me… how many mortals does it take to change a lightbulb?

…None. You will sit in the dark, scrolling your little glowing screens, desperately waiting for validation, until your eyes adjust.”

The crowd groans. One person claps nervously.

From somewhere near the back:

Heckler: “Tell us a joke!”

Faust turns slowly, expression unreadable.

Faust (flat):

“Your existence.”

A few shocked laughs. Someone wheezes. Faust’s smirk deepens.

Faust:

“Ah. See? Devastating honesty. Comedy.”

He spreads his hands in mock defeat, bowing ever so slightly.