*Spoilers* The End of The Amazing Digital Circus
I... loved this ending. The only thing I could say that made it not perfect was the pacing in some parts, but otherwise... wow.
I had an inkling that they were brainscans, that part was not surprising at all to me. Very surprised when Caine came back, not gonna lie, but it gave the ending that little bit of hope that I needed.
The hugs, the talks, how the characters saw how their human selves were out there, living their lives, and how the circus crew decided to move on with their digital lives and try to be as happy as possible. I knew the ending would be bittersweet, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much more sweet it was.
But the thing that hit me the most was Jax's story.
If you've seen the finale, you won't be surprised that I'm now using 'she' for Jax. She was still in the egg-state, sure, but... I don't know, it just feels right.
There's been things about Jax and gender from pretty much the beginning. Enough that Jax being a trans-woman or otherwise wanting to actually present as more feminine but not allowing herself to was a popular headcanon. And that's where I figured it would be: a popular headcanon.
And then it became canon. Not only that: it was the core of her character. It was the reason she acted the way she did, why she pushed people away, why she treated people like crap, why she hated herself so much... All stemming from the fact that she told her mother who she was and got laughed at, berated and then, when her feelings were as low as they could get, her mother hugged her, causing her to lash out and maybe kill her own mother. Just... Everything just clicked for me.
I've been very lucky as a queer person. Not only do I live in Sweden, which as a country is much more chill about queer identities than a lot of other places (although there's always more work to be done, especially after the far right has made a come-back the last fifteen years), but I've not lost any family over it. They may not understand all of it, but they accept me. Especially my mother.
I've "come out" to my mother four times these last ten years: realizing I was bisexual by 25, finding out I was autistic by 28, starting to live as non-binary by 30 and then telling her I'm demi-aroace just this year, when I'm 36. Every time I did it, I though it would go alright, but part of me still feared - "this will be the thing that makes her stop loving me", "this will be the thing that makes her think I'm broken or disgusting or just lying to get attention". But she didn't and hasn't. She's worried that she can't relate to a lot of it and she still struggles with using the "hen"-pronoun (but that's simply because she doesn't get a lot practise to use it outside of me; we really need more Swedish books with non-binary characters), but that's it. When I told her about my fear of her hating me, she just couldn't understand it - according to her, the only thing that could have made her stop loving me is if I became a nazi, or an otherwise horrible person on that level. To stop loving me simply because of who I was... Unthinkable in her eyes.
So yes, I've been very lucky. But a lot other people aren't. Or weren't. A lot of people ended their lives or had their lives ended before or directly after they realized who they were. And this what Jax's story represents to me. So, I can tell you all how her ending hurt when I first saw it. It's very real, and that's what makes it hurt.
But... I'm a hopefull person at heart. Yes, Jax is still abstracted at the end of the show, and it's clear that abstraction has been a metaphor for death and specifically death by suicide from the beginning. But it's still just a metaphor. Jax was abstracted when Pomni talked to her and found out everything that happened in her human life and what happened with Ribbit and Kaufmo. She was still there. Unable to pull herself together into Jax again... but still there. Now that the crew isn't fighting to get out or having Caine as an antagonistic force anymore, there might be a way to get her back. To get them all back. After all, Caine doesn't understand everything that makes up the code of The Amazing Digital Circus - the moon told her she loved him, even though he never programmed her to say that to him. There's still a shoot, even if we'll only ever see it in fanfiction. And if they can warm up to Caine, after all he's done... If she put in the work, I'm certain that Jax would be accepted as well, and then maybe she could finally allow herself to be happy.
All in all, no matter how you personally want to scale the bitter and sweet in bittersweet, I loved the ending. I'll definitely rewatch the show in the future, which in my opinion is the best clue that an ending has landed. Thank you, Gooseworx, all the animators, all the voice actors and everyone else on the Glitch crew... This was a journey I won't ever forget.
