What Your 2003 Teen Titans Childhood Crush Says About Your Current Mental Health and Therapy Needs
Look, we all watched Cartoon Network in the early 2000s, and we all came out of it emotionally compromised. Don't lie to me. If you grew up watching the original Teen Titans, your romantic expectations were permanently warped by animated teenagers with intense trauma, gothic aesthetics, or severe authority issues. Put down your iced coffee, get ready to feel personally attacked, and letās look into the mirror to see exactly what your favorite Titan says about you. (This is all just for fun... mostly. Enjoy!)
Robin: You have a massive thing for Type-A overachievers who desperately need a nap and a weighted blanket. You like a natural-born leader, but letās be honest: you just want a guy who is so intensely stressed out that his only coping mechanism is martial arts. You want him to kick your ass upon request, but you also want to hold him while he cries about Batman.
Starfire: You are soft, pure, and probably a golden retriever therapist friend. You like your ladies cheerful, sweet, and wholesome because your own brain is a dark, crowded place and you need a literal alien sunshine goddess to illuminate your life. You also definitely cried during the movie Trouble in Tokyo.
Raven: Fun! You like ladies who are sarcastic, brooding, and reserved because you spent your entire childhood sitting in the back of the classroom reading fanfiction. You don't want a partner; you want a gothic empath who will sit in absolute silence with you for six hours.
Beast Boy: You are addicted to "I can fix him" energy, but in a vegetarian way. You like funny, fun-loving boys who hide their deep, profound emotional trauma behind terrible puns and a green complexion. Youāre definitely a millennial or Gen Z person who still makes bad jokes when you're uncomfortable.
Cyborg: You actually have the most stable taste on this entire list. You like tech-savvy, laid-back guys who can fix your car, cook a gourmet meal, and yell "BOOYAH" in the grocery store aisle. You value emotional maturity and a great shoulder to lean on. Good for you.
Jinx: You are probably bisexual and this was your queer awakening. You like gothic girls with bright pink hair who can actively ruin your life with bad luck, and you would gladly thank them for it. You definitely own at least one pair of striped arm warmers.
Blackfire: You have a severe, incurable case of "villain symp-toms." You like cruel, sassy bad ladies who would betray their own family for a minor power trip. And yes, you absolutely had a crush on Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender and Shego from Kim Possible. You just want to be stepped on by a woman with a terrible relationship with her sister.
Aqualad: You like your men pretty, eco-conscious, and possessing better hair than you. You want a charming, calm guy who will take you to the aquarium on a date and look longingly at the jellyfish while talking about ocean conservation. Itās giving cottagecore, but underwater.
Speedy: You like cocky, witty redheads who spend way too much time in the gym mirror. You want a guy who has an ego the size of a planet but possesses the archery skills to back it up. You probably also have a thing for Robin, but wanted someone with slightly more chill.
Bumblebee: You want a woman who will actively boss you around and look flawless doing it. You love confident, bold, sassy girls who can effortlessly run an entire team of superheroes while managing a perfect blowout. You are a submissive, and that is beautiful.
Terra: You are attracted to absolute chaos and tragic backstories. You like tomboyish, humorous girls who are deeply misunderstood, but you also have a secret savior complex. You looked at a girl who literally turned into stone and thought, "I can change her."
Slade: (Stares blankly into the camera for five seconds.) Okay, daddy issues. Letās talk about it. You like older men who are highly intelligent, cruel, and domineering. You don't just want to be stepped on; you want a man with a gravelly voice to orchestrate a complex psychological plot against you. Please see a therapist, but also... I get it.
Red X: You don't want a boyfriend; you want a bad boy trope personified. You like mysterious, rebellious, flirtatious thieves who look incredibly cool in leather. You want him to step on you upon request, steal your wallet, and then leave a single rose on your windowsill.
Madame Rouge: You have a hyper-specific kink for dangerous stretchiness and European accents. You like cunning women who can shape-shift into your worst nightmare and literally step on you with a foot that she elongated across the room just for the occasion.
Kid Flash: You like ADHD golden retriever boys who cannot stand still for more than three seconds. You want a free-spirited, confident guy who will run across the country to buy you your favorite snacks in the middle of the night just to show off.