Big tears today. I want to be acknowledged for what has been a theme. I want to be acknowledged for coming to work on Monday with a fever, my body had continued to expel the red back spider venom from the bite that robbed me from all sleep the night before. The bite had me hearing audio hallucinations, through the previous nights “sleep”. Big tears today. I want to be acknowledged that I put my guts into getting this job. I didn’t do it because I thought it would be fun (though, now I only ever want to do fun things, for the rest of my life). I thought God was putting a test in front of me, I thought it would take me to the limit, it did. When I was at my limit I thought it was going to take me to a whole new limit, and then another, and then another. Then a funny thing happened, I said “no! I’m not at my limit! I’m not going to live at my limit! I am going to give it everything I've got!! every reasonable limit will be expended, But I’ll not live like I’m at my limit. I got this job as if I had the victory. That’s what faith is, it’s being fairdinkum, and that's definitively not trying. You don’t risk been stretched further and further. It's not even about growth or capacity building. Faith is more of this thing where you put your heart on the line, not as much your energy, capacity or limit. You offer your heart. You say “God I’m going to live as if you have given me the result." Now, I have the result, I'm in a job I was fairdinkum about getting. I’m all in. The cost is not actually about getting tired or failing. The currency is “if this thing doesn’t play out, my heart will be bruised." If my heart gets bruised over this, I’ll be asking “where are you.” I’ll be saying “but God!?! If you weren’t leading me!? Are you even there!?! Have I even heard of you? Do I even matter to you….” That stuff is on the line, and with it also “am I worth it, am I important?” What you believe about eternity puts all things on the line “God I’m living from the victory, and what’s on the line is, if I don’t win, if I don't get my arm raised here, maybe there isn’t a victory at all!Maybe life has no meaning. Maybe I’m not even important." I have to consider that in my decision making economy despairing is a totally valid option. I can put my heart on the line for Gods sake, for real, without holding back. not holding back in the way you would if you knew that afterwards you would make it somehow, if push came to shove. So what’s the reward then? There’s not a bigger reward than the sure sense that with the average 75 years your graced with on the planet, you used an average 75 of them. There is something in ‘being as alive as you can be’ as you come up to meet life. The resistance, the periphery stuff in life just gets out of the way. One more thing. I just spoke with Kate as I was writing. I had this impulse to ask her if she liked the band U2. she says “kinda sorta” and I'm thinking "wow, I missed that one! with the best intention I missed that one! that’s okay… because it’s not about getting intuition right! it’s about living from the space that validates intuition, it's about being fairdinkum!" Fairdinkum is enough. I'm happy to leave that one and chalk it up to just being faithful… but then, another impulse, smaller now. Fairdinkum is asking myself “from what I know, how might my question to her be relevant in her experience?!" so I tell my co worker what Matt told me in 2004. He told me about the interview he had read in one of the many biographies he he gleaned from about U2. The quote, which you likely have to be a fan to find, I probably butchered in rehashing it to Kate. But it has stayed with me so far for over a decade, and then transformed again for me just today. I told Kate 'the bassist in U2, Adam Clayton, said “I may not be the best guitarist in u2, But I am the guitarist in U2.” And then, boom!!It was a direct hit… I sunk her battleship… it meant a lot to her! it meant a lot right there, right then! that’s like the current example of what it means to living up to the test in front of me, like living up to the test of going for the job, as best you can, or whatever it is, give it your most 'fairdinkum!' live life in such a way that it counts 75 average years of life with 75 years worth of living. Lot’s of tears today. Because at this point in the road God is proud of me and I know why, I'm proud of myself, that’s how it should be, that’s what I deserve, I'm worth that, and I'm important, life does have meaning.