#exrelationship

So I loved and lost someone who I thought was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.

And it ended...

But here I am, alive and kicking hehe. Moving on may take a bit longer to heal, but the heart can always heal once you decide to move on. At first, I really thought I will stay heart broken forever, and refuse to date again for the reason that it might happen again. To be honest, I miss the feeling of being in love, when you can get butterflies in your stomach and when hours of being together feel like minutes. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty.

I was shocked because it seemed so right and I dont understand what went wrong. Why does a relationship that feels so right end?

Another year over and I am still troubled by a relationship that ended 2 years ago. The whole thing is dragging on too long, why cant I just get over it?

I realized that it's not easy to move on most specially if you really do love that person too much. It's really easy to give advises to others, but so hard to use and apply it on yourself lol now I know the feeling of being the one who listens to my friends giving advises. Perhaps there's a part of me holds out hope that we could get back together again but I dont know when and how to start. Maybe I should just move on, let go of him to find my happiness and go on with my life, no matter how amazing he made me feel. Funny how everyone thinks I am over him haha. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes. Lately I've been grieving over it like it just happened. I think because he appears in my dreams occasionally and that's when I start getting sad over it again. I've tried accepting suitors to get through it but I ended up pushing them away from me. My friends keep on nagging me, because most of my friends thought that my ex cheated on me, where in fact I believe he didn't, cause I know in myself I know him too well. I spent so much time and effort trying to fight against fate to make him stay. My colleagues from my previous workplace had witnessed my stupidity, and told me to stop hurting myself cause it's obvious that he's not coming back. I still remember the message he sent to me by mistake haha or maybe he did it on purpose to push me away from him. That moment I cried a river while working during my graveyard shift. I really feel pity on myself while remembering those times. I loved him so much that I was willing to turn blind eye and that I ignored the warning voice running in my head telling me it was a bad idea. My mistake was pretending nothing was wrong and swept the problems and red flags aside. I was dealing with great sorrow way back then, cause I have just lost a beautiful man ( i have my reasons why i can still call him beautiful despite on what happened between us, I hold no grudge).

But right now, at this very moment (while writing this one) I am glad and satisfied for what I have right now. I really need to get and find myself back after losing it. Moving forward, finally letting go of the pain and getting back on track. I am thinking the things I missed, while I am busy thinking all of this moving on thingy. I am slowly accepting that maybe we're not meant to be and maybe that's okay. That we were a mistake right from the start and we were wrong for eachother (I can still remember this is what exactly he told me) That we are better off apart and living our own separate lives and we are toxic to eachother. With him, I became another version of myself that I couldn't recognize. I was too focused on him to be there for myself. I was too in loved. But now, I can reclaim my own identity and be the person I'm meant to be without him by my side.

Maybe we're not meant to be together. Not yet. Or not just in this lifetime. Maybe we're meant to have a perfect life in our perfect world in the next lifetime or even the one after that. (The King: Eternal Monarch ang peg? haha kdrama pa more) Maybe in that lifetime i'll be brave enough to be with you and brave enough to never let you go. And slowly I have come to my senses and accept that I can only truly find my own happiness after I let you go.

I have faith that one day, "I will get there"

Everything happens for a reason... -jedang

screnshoots from the movie