One long shower, this song on repeat and a much needed cry.
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@herrandomthoughts
One long shower, this song on repeat and a much needed cry.

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I wish my path were a calm river like yours, while mine is still learning how to flow through stones and storms.
My days are simple. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I watch movies and listen to music. I read books. I stare at the ceiling. I take long showers. I enjoy my body oil. I cry when I need to, because it helps release the pain. I spend less time on social media, (deactivated them) because it often makes my anxiety worse.
The best part of my me time is going to the nearest park after I finish work at 5am. The world is still asleep. I sit there alone, listening to music while tears roll down my face for an hour. Then I go home and wrap myself in my thick blanket. Yes, this has been my life for the past few months, just to cope and get through each day. (eventho they think that i am busy with someone else)
It has been a year, and the pain is still there. Not as loud as before, but still present.
I thought my life would look different by now, lighter, happier, more active. But expectations can hurt. I feel like I am still in the middle of the ocean, slowly swimming toward the shore. I reached it once, but I chose to swim back, believing there was more to understand.ย
Maybe this is what happens when you love deeply and keep hoping for the good in someone. Maybe it is not a weakness, but a part of who I am.
I always tell people that being โtoo nice is not niceโ. But why is it so hard to apply that to myself? What people say is true, you can never fully understand someoneโs situation unless youโve been in their shoes. Now that Iโve experienced this, I donโt judge my friends anymore for the stupid or painful decisions they make. I understand now because pain teaches lessons that words never can.
I do not know how long learning takes. I only know that I have tried. I have fallen, stood up, and found myself back in the same place more than once. Letting go is not a single decision. It is something you do over and over again.
People say, โFocus on yourself,โ or โTime will heal.โ But there are quiet moments when time feels heavy, when memories return without asking. No one tells you what to do when youโre alone in your room and your chest hurts.ย
This love was real. That is why it hurts. And maybe loving deeply was never a mistake. How I wish i could move from one relationship to another easily. I tried. I really tried. I wish it were that easy for me too. But i always feel guilty like im cheating to myself, so i stop. I ghost them. I cant do it. Maybe you really cant teach your heart to stop loving someone you thought youd marry.
This isnโt my first heartbreak. I know I can get over pain. But this time is different. Itโs harder. It hurts so much. Why did the universe let me love him this deeply if he wasnโt meant for me? Why donโt good people end up with others who have good intentions too? Do we really have to go through this kind of pain in life?
All those memoriesโโจlate work hours,โจvacations,โจshopping,โจsleeping together,โจcuddling,โจwatching our favorite sitcoms,โจeating our favorite meals (even though he did all the cooking),โจstaying home on days off,โจdining out,โจdressing up, and so much more.
How can you forget all of that so easily when most of our โfirst timesโ happened together? Everywhere I look, something reminds me of him. Sushi, ramen, steak, kiwi, watches, perfumes, shoes, brand for less, crepes, everything.
And every time, I think, "he likes this"
I am not perfect. I never was. We both had needs that were not fully met. Yet, I had no problem staying by his side.
But I guess there really comes a point in our lives when youโre completely drained and tired of the situation because nothing ever changes. Like they say, "just keep exhausting yourself and youโll be the one who eventually gets tired."
Maybe one day, his new girlfriend will repost something like,
โIf your past failed to treat you the way you deserve, let me do it.โ
But she wonโt know how deeply I loved himโhow much I begged God for him to be my last, the only one I wanted. I loved every part of him, even his flaws. I loved everything about him.
She wonโt know how I begged for him to treat me better, even when it hurt so much. She wonโt know how many times I cried just to make him stay, or how much I sacrificed my mental health just to be with him. Iโm sorry I got tired. I got tired because it didnโt happen just once or twice. We both know how hard I tried to understand you, no regrets.
So I choose to wish them the best, whoever the girls he ends up with.
I am changing now. Slowly. Gently.
There is a step ahead of me that feels big and uncertain, but I trust that it will lead me forward.
Lord, prepare me for what I am praying for. While I wait, let Your voice be louder than my fears. I am flawed and learning, yet You continue to bless me. For that, I remain grateful, even through the pain.
I wish things were easy for me, like they are for you.
But I trust that my river will find its calm in its own time.
I love you always my langlang
heyyyyy
remember when i told you that I'm always here for you?
I meant it. Cause i know life is not easy and we can't do it all by ourselves.
what the fvck
Iโm very happy knowing that you love having me around, because I do too. I love having you around. Even for a short time once a week, I feel safe, I feel loved, and I feel taken care of. I miss those times we used to share on a daily basis.
But Shi, itโs getting too heavy for me now. I canโt carry the weight anymore. I know I always stand up every time I stumble, but itโs still heavy.
Talk to me when youโre okay. When youโre no longer so brokenhearted. Because no matter how often I say Iโm here, willing to listen and understand you through whatever life throws at youโฆ Iโve reached the point where sometimes I feel tired too.
No matter what I do, I feel like Iโm not enough. There are times I feel your love strongly, and other times it feels distant.
I may not always be the one to message first, but that doesnโt mean Iโm not excited to talk to you. I always am. It makes my day. I just want to know, do you feel the same?
It hurts me that youโre broken even when Iโm not the reason for it. But why am I the one feeling so much pain?
Please know that youโre not the only one struggling in life.
Youโre not the only one confused about your job.
Youโre not the only one dealing with family issues.
Me too.
Itโs not just you whoโs dealing with all this. Iโm drowning too.
Yet here I am, still choosing to hold on to whatever is happening between us, because I know youโre the only one I can lean on. I only have you, Shi. I even told you not to leave me alone here in Doha. I meant that.
As many problems as Iโm facing now, I still find time to make things work between us somehowโฆ
Even when the universe is telling me not to.
I still love you, despite it all.
P.S. Your boxers with my face on them? I love them! :*
If you can see it from my point of view, you would understand how much it hurts me too.๐ณ๏ธ
(I didnโt expect to be writing another letter, especially one like this. As much as I was very happy sharing the last letter, what Iโm about to share now is the complete opposite)
Someone asked me many times before,
โWhat is love for you, Jade?โ
Normally, when people ask me this, I donโt have a specific answer because I honestly donโt know what love is for me. Not until I experienced problems, circumstances, storms, and challenges in my own relationship that I never expected would happen. Problems that, for me, I thought would never come to us. I never saw any of it coming.
So, when a colleague of mine asked me this question last week,
I finally had an answer:
What is love for me?
โLove for me is a choice.โ
You always choose the same person, no matter what happens in your relationship, whether good or bad. You stick to that person because you didnโt choose them just for the good things they have, but also for the bad things that come with them. Whatever storms may come, itโs for both of you to face together. Itโs you two versus the problems, not you versus your partner.
We all come with a package. Nobodyโs perfect. And yet, you still love them and enjoy being with them.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because of a bad attitude they may have.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because of a single mistake they made.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because they booked the wrong address on Uber.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because they are chaotic.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because their boxers have holes.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because their shirts are crumpled.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre lazy to take a bath.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre lazy to brush their teeth.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because they didnโt finish school.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because they already have a child that isnโt yours.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because their outfits donโt match yours.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre far from the dream guy you were imagining.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre not rich.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre not that tall.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre a mamaโs boy.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because theyโre not good at surprises.
โขYou donโt leave that person just because he sometimes forgets to pay his insurance.
โข You donโt leave that person just because they hide things from you because theyโre afraid youโll get mad or worried.
โข You donโt leave that person just because they sometimes forget what you asked them to do.
โข You donโt leave a person just because of how messy their family is. You donโt care, because you have the same kind of family too.
Because as much as there are many reasons to leave, there are just as many reasons to stay:
โขYou choose to stay because he knows how to cook and loves to cook for you.
โขYou choose to stay because he always opens doors for you, whether itโs the car or the house.
โขYou choose to stay because heโs generous, even when he has nothing left for himself, he always makes sure youโre happy first.
โขYou choose to stay because heโs smart and has a sense of humor.
โขYou choose to stay because heโs kind and nice to you and to everyone else.
โขYou choose to stay because he loves opening bottles for you.
โขYou choose to stay because he waits at the table so you can eat together.
โขYou choose to stay because you see how much he loves his family and how he wants to be a good man when you start a family together.
โขYou choose to stay because he buys you things he knows you love 100%.
โขYou choose to stay because he buys you flowers.
โขYou choose to stay because he knows 99% of your preferences in life (โJade will love thisโ / โJade wonโt like thisโ).
โขYou choose to stay because heโs gentle.
โขYou choose to stay because he randomly buys you gifts.
โขYou choose to stay because he always smells nice, even though he hates showering.
โขYou choose to stay because he always makes sure youโre comfortable.
โขYou choose to stay because he makes everything easier for you, especially when youโre on your period.
โขYou choose to stay because he asks permission before making decisions, even when youโre sometimes confused why he needs your permission.
โขYou choose to stay because he gives you updates even without you asking.
โขYou choose to stay because he randomly does sexy dances in front of you that make you laugh so hard.
โขYou choose to stay because you love falling asleep while cuddling.
โขYou choose to stay because he gives you random kisses.
โขYou choose to stay because he doesnโt let you walk near the cars but always on the sidewalk side.
โขYou choose to stay because every time we buy new phones, he always gives the new one to me and chooses to use my old phone instead.
โขYou choose to stay because his hugs ease your pain.
โขYou choose to stay because he makes it a habit to hold your hand wherever you go, and itโs cute.
โขYou choose to stay because of how easily he can tell when youโre not in the mood, and he wonโt stop asking you until you finally answer him.
And maybe thatโs one of the main reasons why people in this generation have more broken marriages compared to before. Couples barely last 5 years in marriage nowadays, and marriage often seems like just a piece of paper. But I donโt want to judge because maybe that person gave up after doing everything they could to save the relationship.
It takes two to tango.
A relationship is made up of two people. If you want to make things work, both of you should work for it. Itโs not just one person, because if it is, then thatโs not love at all. Sometimes itโs 50/50, sometimes itโs 20/80 , as long as both of you are trying.
But there are also things that are inevitable, no matter how much you try to control them.
Eventually, everyone gets tired, especially when you know youโve done everything you could and tried to understand until the very end. And when choosing that person starts to feel like torture, knowing that you are the only one fighting and trying to make things work, it becomes exhausting. People give up when they feel their efforts are no longer appreciated and reciprocated.
I donโt know if itโs a red flag or just a test of my patience because I always want to see the good in people. I always believe that person would never intentionally hurt me or our relationship.
So, if someone decides to leave, I believe that person did everything they could to stay, simply because they loved that person. Even if it cost them everything. Be grateful if you have someone like that, because not everyone can do it and endure. Itโs rare. And trust me, that person really does love you. Cherish them. Never leave a person who stayed back when you gave every reason for that person to leave. It only proves that despite any challenges in your relationship, you have a partner you can rely on, someone you know will never leave your side. Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize they were the big things.
Most people nowadays give up the moment a small problem comes up. But some people fight with everything they have.
______________________________________________________
To my Lalang,
You know Iโve said this a million times and maybe youโre already tired of hearing this, but I want to finally put it into words now. And maybe youโre confused about when I will finally be able to do it for real. Are you excited? Or are you even scared that eventually, I will be out of your life soon?
I hope youโll be able to read this, though I donโt even know if you know this page exists.
You know how Iโve done everything to keep us intact since day one, even though I shouldโve left a long time ago, the moment you chose to be with her. No matter how much you messed up, I still chose to stay. And honestly, I donโt even know why. We're not even married yet.
So I hope you understand when the time finally comes for me to say that itโs time for me to back off. It pains me to do this, but you always leave me with no choice. You know how hard I keep trying and trying and trying. I was hoping youโd give me even a little cooperation, but I canโt find any.
I clung to this tiny hope that somehow we could make everything right, because you kept showing me that you were still into me and still loved me. Stupid, right? How can these โsmall signsโ make such a big impact on me? And I thought that somehow, you still loved me.
I remember when you told me that while you were watching Ed Sheeranโs concert, you were thinking of me the whole time. I was flattered. I know you still love me, langg. I believe what you said was true and real, because you rarely say things like that unless youโre drunk, and at that time, you were drunk when you told me. After everything that happened, I donโt know why I still trust you.
But as Iโve said before, I canโt and wonโt share someone that I love, Shi. You canโt do that. Itโs impossible.
People may think how stupid I am for doing all this. But I will never regret it, because I know that one day, if I finally decide to leave, I can say to myself:
I did everything I could, no regrets. Everything.
Communicate? Yes.
Understanding? Definitely.
Patience? Tell me about it.
I saw a lot of things I shouldnโt have seen, but I still did, while my hands were shaking and tears kept falling. I was hoping that if I watched it, it would make me really hate you. I heard a lot of rumors I shouldnโt have entertained, but they still hurt me, so much. Every little thing you did broke me, literally. But I donโt know why I still see you as the same guy I used to know.
I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into. But look at the lengths I can go to for someone I love. Yet we both know that soon enough, we need to put this to an end. I donโt know when or how, but whatever the result, I hope both of us find happiness.
I want someone who fights with me, not against me, Shi.
I kept choosing you, but you couldnโt choose me. And now, Iโm exhausted from fighting alone. And I think thereโs only so much I can bear and carry.
I like a message I once read from a book:
"I hope you choose the road that will make you the happiest. Even if it's not a choice I'll love, I will still always love you. Whether I'm a part of your life or not. You deserve happiness more than anyone I know.
I love you. Forever."
I realized that I was your getaway car. You enjoyed my presence and my availability, but I will never be the person you pursue.
Remember when I told you that I was scared my love would fade, and I didnโt want it to happen cause I want to stay inlove with you???
Just give me a little more time, let me love you a little longer.
Because I think itโs slowly happening now,
it's finally happening...

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Plot twist ๐
I fell in love with someone without me knowing.
I donโt know where to start and how to explain it, but i am in love lol. I donโt even have any signs or any proof of why I am but I guess it was just how it is. Of all the plans I had right after we broke up with my ex, falling in love with someone new wasnโt one of them. (magbuwag raman gud gehapon char and thatโs why it took me almost 3yrs nga single haha)
He made me feel so comfortable that i could be myself around him without any hesitation and how he has this really contagious laugh that it just make you want to laugh along with it. (I couldnโt believe this is happening btw hehe)
Love comes unexpectedly, it comes when you donโt think youโre ready. And sometimes it comes when youโre still getting over something in the past. We think we pick who we love but love chooses us wether weโd like it to or not.
Love you my Szazi โค๏ธ
We kindled a fire that both of us didn't know how to extinguish ๐ค
So I loved and lost someone who I thought was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.
And it ended...
But here I am, alive and kicking hehe. Moving on may take a bit longer to heal, but the heart can always heal once you decide to move on. At first, I really thought I will stay heart broken forever, and refuse to date again for the reason that it might happen again. To be honest, I miss the feeling of being in love, when you can get butterflies in your stomach and when hours of being together feel like minutes. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty.
I was shocked because it seemed so right and I dont understand what went wrong. Why does a relationship that feels so right end?
Another year over and I am still troubled by a relationship that ended 2 years ago. The whole thing is dragging on too long, why cant I just get over it?
I realized that it's not easy to move on most specially if you really do love that person too much. It's really easy to give advises to others, but so hard to use and apply it on yourself lol now I know the feeling of being the one who listens to my friends giving advises. Perhaps there's a part of me holds out hope that we could get back together again but I dont know when and how to start. Maybe I should just move on, let go of him to find my happiness and go on with my life, no matter how amazing he made me feel. Funny how everyone thinks I am over him haha. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes. Lately I've been grieving over it like it just happened. I think because he appears in my dreams occasionally and that's when I start getting sad over it again. I've tried accepting suitors to get through it but I ended up pushing them away from me. My friends keep on nagging me, because most of my friends thought that my ex cheated on me, where in fact I believe he didn't, cause I know in myself I know him too well. I spent so much time and effort trying to fight against fate to make him stay. My colleagues from my previous workplace had witnessed my stupidity, and told me to stop hurting myself cause it's obvious that he's not coming back. I still remember the message he sent to me by mistake haha or maybe he did it on purpose to push me away from him. That moment I cried a river while working during my graveyard shift. I really feel pity on myself while remembering those times. I loved him so much that I was willing to turn blind eye and that I ignored the warning voice running in my head telling me it was a bad idea. My mistake was pretending nothing was wrong and swept the problems and red flags aside. I was dealing with great sorrow way back then, cause I have just lost a beautiful man ( i have my reasons why i can still call him beautiful despite on what happened between us, I hold no grudge).
But right now, at this very moment (while writing this one) I am glad and satisfied for what I have right now. I really need to get and find myself back after losing it. Moving forward, finally letting go of the pain and getting back on track. I am thinking the things I missed, while I am busy thinking all of this moving on thingy. I am slowly accepting that maybe we're not meant to be and maybe that's okay. That we were a mistake right from the start and we were wrong for eachother (I can still remember this is what exactly he told me) That we are better off apart and living our own separate lives and we are toxic to eachother. With him, I became another version of myself that I couldn't recognize. I was too focused on him to be there for myself. I was too in loved. But now, I can reclaim my own identity and be the person I'm meant to be without him by my side.
Maybe we're not meant to be together. Not yet. Or not just in this lifetime. Maybe we're meant to have a perfect life in our perfect world in the next lifetime or even the one after that. (The King: Eternal Monarch ang peg? haha kdrama pa more) Maybe in that lifetime i'll be brave enough to be with you and brave enough to never let you go. And slowly I have come to my senses and accept that I can only truly find my own happiness after I let you go.
I have faith that one day, "I will get there"
Everything happens for a reason... -jedang
screnshoots from the movie
"The Girl Allergic to Wi-Fi"
Quarantine life ๐
Another day has passed. I think this year serves as an unpredictable break for all of us. I wonder when will this pandemic be over or how long this is likely to last. Majority of us are still spending much more of our time at home. So might as well we stay entertained. We all have different things of what we can do to keep ourselves busy. Because we don't know during this pandemic some of us will slowly going stir crazy not able to go outside and do the things we're used to. So let me share to you my quarantine life. During the 1st and 2nd week, my colleagues and I started to play volleyball, footballand jumping rope. But as days went by, we got bored ๐ ๐ In the long run, everyone's living their own lives inside each Villa. We even turned the days into nights, nights into days right now. We sleep during daytime, and awake during night time. And having our first meal of the day around 5-6pm. One time I woke up for no reason and went outside around noon time, and literally there's nobody outside (except the security guards). I learned playing UNO cards (thanks to our Italian pastry chef hihi). I wasn't informed that my foreign workmates are into water gun fighting lmao. (i think they ran out of things to do that it leads them to buy water guns and running and playing like kids inside the compound). They even asked me one time to go out because they said it was emergency and by the moment I came out from the door (in a rush, cause they told me to hurry up, and FYI I am fresh from the shower that time and already in my PJs) to my surprise, they gave me another bath by throwing me a huge pot of water haha and of course they did the same thing to the others. Yahh, they're really having fun enjoying games like these :)) So this is one of the crazy things this quarantine made us do. And sometimes when I'm in the mood, I play dress up and wasting my make-up for a 15second tiktok video, selfies and room pictorials ๐ I also binge watching netflix specially korean dramas, I'm not really into these kind of movies before, but big thanks to Rachel for introducing me to Kdrama world hehe. I am starting to get addicted and can't get rid of it now. I just love how they act so genuine in every scene in a movie and I cry so easily while watching huhu they're just so real and true as if it's not scripted hayyys. Mapapa-SANA ALL ka nalang ๐ I also started my home workout with a little help from an app. This has been my plan for a long time ago to get a 6-pack abs haha but i don't know why I keep failing at this exercise thingy. But at this very moment, I am on my 36th day of straight workout, with 107 workouts and 853 minutes (cause I have all the time to do it now, no excuses lol). Yup, the app I am using comes with a calendar progress haha. I always do my workout right before I go for a shower. My roommate and I decided to go out sometimes for a walk around neighborhood, we do it every 2 days or if feel namin maglakad haha. Our goal is to have a minimum of 8,000-10,000 steps and sometimes we reach 13,000 steps and it feels so so good. But later on, I can't stop overeating again right after every workout hahaha whyyy. In fairness, I can now see a little improvement from trying so hard working out my ass. We stopped working last March 16, 2019 so exactly today marks the 73rd day being unemployed haha. And thanks to our company who never abandon and still supporting us. They still provide us home and food and giving us atleast the 25% of our whole salary every month, since there's no business. Though it is not much, but it's better than to have nothing, right? It is sort of getting paid just by sitting our ass of all day on the couch and watch netflix hahaha.(I'm feeling guilty right now lol) They still doing the right thing despite of this coronavirus crisis. And I'm so grateful for that and for every little thing I have right now. I hope everyone is doing well and that all of you are in good health, and this ongoing crisis will teach all of us many important lessons about life. ๐๐๐๐ป -jedang
last song syndrome ๐ถ
I can't get this song that I am listened to out of my head grrrr! and when it feels like the lyrics were written just for me. Weww
That what is lost ain't gone
No, you can't just let go
'Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws
I'm not gonna fight back what I've become
Yeah, I've got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn't change if I could restart
I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars
I've been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it's the reason I've been feeling like hell
But I wouldn't change if I could restart
I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars
Thank you Christina Perri !!!โค๏ธ
I really don't know the exact reason why I'm so emotionally attached to this song. Love it since the first time I heard it back in my college days. It makes me happy and sad at the same time while listening. Anyhow, this song is just simply beautiful. -jedang

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Itโs All about Time โณ
I adore flowers, to be honest. They are beautiful. And it feels so good to be remembered. I have always wanted a guy to just randomly give me flowers because he wants to, and not for the reason that you asked them to. But gifts for me, itโs no big deal. I don't even need fancy things. But don't ever think if your boyfriend never buys you any gifts because maybe you don't deserve to receive these things or you are not pretty, sexy enough etc. One partner would say, "I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me". Don't get distracted very easily or jealous about your friends receiving flowers and gifts from their guys. Each one of us has different form of expressing love, don't just depend it based on how many gifts you gained. Don't ask too much from them, it could make your partner uncomfortable. It's not a matter of being "spoiled" or "selfish", we express love in different ways. For me the best language ever since is a partner who values in engaging quality time. Simple but overly romantic. Going on a road trips are my favorite, together with good music and food of course. One of the things I experienced before was, he took me to a scenic mountain road trip. He let me drove the car on a curvy road for me to know how to drive with a lot of "turns", for me to familiarize and to know the timing of the steering wheel. He is a guy that knows everything that makes me great and helps me put my best foot forward. That was the most exhilarating road trip I ever had so far hahaha. I even remember the time he fetched me in my workplace and I had my graveyard shift way back then, I ended my shift at 6am in the morning, so it means I've been awake for the whole night working and I haven't got any sleep. We decided to go home to our town together that morning and I assumed that he will be the one to drive but instead he told me to drive for us (for 2hrs). That moment, I just learned driving and by some means, it was a sort of a practice for me also lol. (to think wala pa ko natulog) I can't even imagine how he trusted me that time when he just taught and trained me to drive for a very short time before. And all he did while we were on our way was SLEEPING (oh my God haha i don't even have a license that time, he just trust me that much). Everytime I encounter stoplights, I keep staring at him. I have a lot of road trip memories that I've lost count, and the one I mentioned above is just one of them. Small things like that can have a big and great impact on oneโs happiness. People sometimes underestimate the influence of little things. I just value the companionship and the closeness that much, that's why I value having a quality time together. Yes, I am clingy (somtimes haha) and it's a lot better than being a material girl. There are things you cannot buy in stores like love, happiness and time. I am convinced by the saying that explains, we really don't know what the future may hold, life is a point of time so let us enjoy it while it lasts and not spend it to nonsense. Itโs all about time, and people come and go.๐ -jedang
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Welcome Self
So I decided to be here so that I have a place where I can write all my accurate feelings, about my life and rants