kathlein

My days are simple. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I watch movies and listen to music. I read books. I stare at the ceiling. I take long showers. I enjoy my body oil. I cry when I need to, because it helps release the pain. I spend less time on social media, (deactivated them) because it often makes my anxiety worse.

The best part of my me time is going to the nearest park after I finish work at 5am. The world is still asleep. I sit there alone, listening to music while tears roll down my face for an hour. Then I go home and wrap myself in my thick blanket. Yes, this has been my life for the past few months, just to cope and get through each day. (eventho they think that i am busy with someone else)

It has been a year, and the pain is still there. Not as loud as before, but still present.

I thought my life would look different by now, lighter, happier, more active. But expectations can hurt. I feel like I am still in the middle of the ocean, slowly swimming toward the shore. I reached it once, but I chose to swim back, believing there was more to understand. 

Maybe this is what happens when you love deeply and keep hoping for the good in someone. Maybe it is not a weakness, but a part of who I am.

I always tell people that being “too nice is not nice”. But why is it so hard to apply that to myself? What people say is true, you can never fully understand someone’s situation unless you’ve been in their shoes. Now that I’ve experienced this, I don’t judge my friends anymore for the stupid or painful decisions they make. I understand now because pain teaches lessons that words never can.

I do not know how long learning takes. I only know that I have tried. I have fallen, stood up, and found myself back in the same place more than once. Letting go is not a single decision. It is something you do over and over again.

People say, “Focus on yourself,” or “Time will heal.” But there are quiet moments when time feels heavy, when memories return without asking. No one tells you what to do when you’re alone in your room and your chest hurts. 

This love was real. That is why it hurts. And maybe loving deeply was never a mistake. How I wish i could move from one relationship to another easily. I tried. I really tried. I wish it were that easy for me too. But i always feel guilty like im cheating to myself, so i stop. I ghost them. I cant do it. Maybe you really cant teach your heart to stop loving someone you thought youd marry.

This isn’t my first heartbreak. I know I can get over pain. But this time is different. It’s harder. It hurts so much. Why did the universe let me love him this deeply if he wasn’t meant for me? Why don’t good people end up with others who have good intentions too? Do we really have to go through this kind of pain in life?

All those memories—
late work hours,
vacations,
shopping,
sleeping together,
cuddling,
watching our favorite sitcoms,
eating our favorite meals (even though he did all the cooking),
staying home on days off,
dining out,
dressing up, and so much more.

How can you forget all of that so easily when most of our ‘first times’ happened together? Everywhere I look, something reminds me of him. Sushi, ramen, steak, kiwi, watches, perfumes, shoes, brand for less, crepes, everything.

And every time, I think, "he likes this"

I am not perfect. I never was. We both had needs that were not fully met. Yet, I had no problem staying by his side.

But I guess there really comes a point in our lives when you’re completely drained and tired of the situation because nothing ever changes. Like they say, "just keep exhausting yourself and you’ll be the one who eventually gets tired."

Maybe one day, his new girlfriend will repost something like,

‘If your past failed to treat you the way you deserve, let me do it.’

But she won’t know how deeply I loved him—how much I begged God for him to be my last, the only one I wanted. I loved every part of him, even his flaws. I loved everything about him.

She won’t know how I begged for him to treat me better, even when it hurt so much. She won’t know how many times I cried just to make him stay, or how much I sacrificed my mental health just to be with him. I’m sorry I got tired. I got tired because it didn’t happen just once or twice. We both know how hard I tried to understand you, no regrets.

So I choose to wish them the best, whoever the girls he ends up with.

I am changing now. Slowly. Gently.

There is a step ahead of me that feels big and uncertain, but I trust that it will lead me forward.

Lord, prepare me for what I am praying for. While I wait, let Your voice be louder than my fears. I am flawed and learning, yet You continue to bless me. For that, I remain grateful, even through the pain.

I wish things were easy for me, like they are for you.

But I trust that my river will find its calm in its own time.

I love you always my langlang

heyyyyy

remember when i told you that I'm always here for you?

I’m very happy knowing that you love having me around, because I do too. I love having you around. Even for a short time once a week, I feel safe, I feel loved, and I feel taken care of. I miss those times we used to share on a daily basis.

But Shi, it’s getting too heavy for me now. I can’t carry the weight anymore. I know I always stand up every time I stumble, but it’s still heavy.

Talk to me when you’re okay. When you’re no longer so brokenhearted. Because no matter how often I say I’m here, willing to listen and understand you through whatever life throws at you… I’ve reached the point where sometimes I feel tired too.

No matter what I do, I feel like I’m not enough. There are times I feel your love strongly, and other times it feels distant.

I may not always be the one to message first, but that doesn’t mean I’m not excited to talk to you. I always am. It makes my day. I just want to know, do you feel the same?

It hurts me that you’re broken even when I’m not the reason for it. But why am I the one feeling so much pain?

Please know that you’re not the only one struggling in life.

You’re not the only one confused about your job.

You’re not the only one dealing with family issues.

Me too.

It’s not just you who’s dealing with all this. I’m drowning too.

Yet here I am, still choosing to hold on to whatever is happening between us, because I know you’re the only one I can lean on. I only have you, Shi. I even told you not to leave me alone here in Doha. I meant that.

As many problems as I’m facing now, I still find time to make things work between us somehow…

Even when the universe is telling me not to.

I still love you, despite it all.

P.S. Your boxers with my face on them? I love them! :*

(I didn’t expect to be writing another letter, especially one like this. As much as I was very happy sharing the last letter, what I’m about to share now is the complete opposite)

Someone asked me many times before,

“What is love for you, Jade?”

Normally, when people ask me this, I don’t have a specific answer because I honestly don’t know what love is for me. Not until I experienced problems, circumstances, storms, and challenges in my own relationship that I never expected would happen. Problems that, for me, I thought would never come to us. I never saw any of it coming.

So, when a colleague of mine asked me this question last week,

I finally had an answer:

What is love for me?

“Love for me is a choice.”

You always choose the same person, no matter what happens in your relationship, whether good or bad. You stick to that person because you didn’t choose them just for the good things they have, but also for the bad things that come with them. Whatever storms may come, it’s for both of you to face together. It’s you two versus the problems, not you versus your partner.

We all come with a package. Nobody’s perfect. And yet, you still love them and enjoy being with them.

•You don’t leave that person just because of a bad attitude they may have.

•You don’t leave that person just because of a single mistake they made.

•You don’t leave that person just because they booked the wrong address on Uber.

•You don’t leave that person just because they are chaotic.

•You don’t leave that person just because their boxers have holes.

•You don’t leave that person just because their shirts are crumpled.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re lazy to take a bath.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re lazy to brush their teeth.

•You don’t leave that person just because they didn’t finish school.

•You don’t leave that person just because they already have a child that isn’t yours.

•You don’t leave that person just because their outfits don’t match yours.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re far from the dream guy you were imagining.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re not rich.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re not that tall.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re a mama’s boy.

•You don’t leave that person just because they’re not good at surprises.

•You don’t leave that person just because he sometimes forgets to pay his insurance.

• You don’t leave that person just because they hide things from you because they’re afraid you’ll get mad or worried.

• You don’t leave that person just because they sometimes forget what you asked them to do.

• You don’t leave a person just because of how messy their family is. You don’t care, because you have the same kind of family too.

Because as much as there are many reasons to leave, there are just as many reasons to stay:

•You choose to stay because he knows how to cook and loves to cook for you.

•You choose to stay because he always opens doors for you, whether it’s the car or the house.

•You choose to stay because he’s generous, even when he has nothing left for himself, he always makes sure you’re happy first.

•You choose to stay because he’s smart and has a sense of humor.

•You choose to stay because he’s kind and nice to you and to everyone else.

•You choose to stay because he loves opening bottles for you.

•You choose to stay because he waits at the table so you can eat together.

•You choose to stay because you see how much he loves his family and how he wants to be a good man when you start a family together.

•You choose to stay because he buys you things he knows you love 100%.

•You choose to stay because he buys you flowers.

•You choose to stay because he knows 99% of your preferences in life (“Jade will love this” / “Jade won’t like this”).

•You choose to stay because he’s gentle.

•You choose to stay because he randomly buys you gifts.

•You choose to stay because he always smells nice, even though he hates showering.

•You choose to stay because he always makes sure you’re comfortable.

•You choose to stay because he makes everything easier for you, especially when you’re on your period.

•You choose to stay because he asks permission before making decisions, even when you’re sometimes confused why he needs your permission.

•You choose to stay because he gives you updates even without you asking.

•You choose to stay because he randomly does sexy dances in front of you that make you laugh so hard.

•You choose to stay because you love falling asleep while cuddling.

•You choose to stay because he gives you random kisses.

•You choose to stay because he doesn’t let you walk near the cars but always on the sidewalk side.

•You choose to stay because every time we buy new phones, he always gives the new one to me and chooses to use my old phone instead.

•You choose to stay because his hugs ease your pain.

•You choose to stay because he makes it a habit to hold your hand wherever you go, and it’s cute.

•You choose to stay because of how easily he can tell when you’re not in the mood, and he won’t stop asking you until you finally answer him.

And maybe that’s one of the main reasons why people in this generation have more broken marriages compared to before. Couples barely last 5 years in marriage nowadays, and marriage often seems like just a piece of paper. But I don’t want to judge because maybe that person gave up after doing everything they could to save the relationship.

It takes two to tango.

A relationship is made up of two people. If you want to make things work, both of you should work for it. It’s not just one person, because if it is, then that’s not love at all. Sometimes it’s 50/50, sometimes it’s 20/80 , as long as both of you are trying.

But there are also things that are inevitable, no matter how much you try to control them.

Eventually, everyone gets tired, especially when you know you’ve done everything you could and tried to understand until the very end. And when choosing that person starts to feel like torture, knowing that you are the only one fighting and trying to make things work, it becomes exhausting. People give up when they feel their efforts are no longer appreciated and reciprocated.

I don’t know if it’s a red flag or just a test of my patience because I always want to see the good in people. I always believe that person would never intentionally hurt me or our relationship.

So, if someone decides to leave, I believe that person did everything they could to stay, simply because they loved that person. Even if it cost them everything. Be grateful if you have someone like that, because not everyone can do it and endure. It’s rare. And trust me, that person really does love you. Cherish them. Never leave a person who stayed back when you gave every reason for that person to leave. It only proves that despite any challenges in your relationship, you have a partner you can rely on, someone you know will never leave your side. Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize they were the big things.

Most people nowadays give up the moment a small problem comes up. But some people fight with everything they have.

______________________________________________________

To my Lalang,

You know I’ve said this a million times and maybe you’re already tired of hearing this, but I want to finally put it into words now. And maybe you’re confused about when I will finally be able to do it for real. Are you excited? Or are you even scared that eventually, I will be out of your life soon?

I hope you’ll be able to read this, though I don’t even know if you know this page exists.

You know how I’ve done everything to keep us intact since day one, even though I should’ve left a long time ago, the moment you chose to be with her. No matter how much you messed up, I still chose to stay. And honestly, I don’t even know why. We're not even married yet.

So I hope you understand when the time finally comes for me to say that it’s time for me to back off. It pains me to do this, but you always leave me with no choice. You know how hard I keep trying and trying and trying. I was hoping you’d give me even a little cooperation, but I can’t find any.

I clung to this tiny hope that somehow we could make everything right, because you kept showing me that you were still into me and still loved me. Stupid, right? How can these “small signs” make such a big impact on me? And I thought that somehow, you still loved me.

I remember when you told me that while you were watching Ed Sheeran’s concert, you were thinking of me the whole time. I was flattered. I know you still love me, langg. I believe what you said was true and real, because you rarely say things like that unless you’re drunk, and at that time, you were drunk when you told me. After everything that happened, I don’t know why I still trust you.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t and won’t share someone that I love, Shi. You can’t do that. It’s impossible.

People may think how stupid I am for doing all this. But I will never regret it, because I know that one day, if I finally decide to leave, I can say to myself:

I did everything I could, no regrets. Everything.

Communicate? Yes.

Understanding? Definitely.

Patience? Tell me about it.

I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen, but I still did, while my hands were shaking and tears kept falling. I was hoping that if I watched it, it would make me really hate you. I heard a lot of rumors I shouldn’t have entertained, but they still hurt me, so much. Every little thing you did broke me, literally. But I don’t know why I still see you as the same guy I used to know.

I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into. But look at the lengths I can go to for someone I love. Yet we both know that soon enough, we need to put this to an end. I don’t know when or how, but whatever the result, I hope both of us find happiness.

I want someone who fights with me, not against me, Shi.

I kept choosing you, but you couldn’t choose me. And now, I’m exhausted from fighting alone. And I think there’s only so much I can bear and carry.

I like a message I once read from a book:

"I hope you choose the road that will make you the happiest. Even if it's not a choice I'll love, I will still always love you. Whether I'm a part of your life or not. You deserve happiness more than anyone I know.

I love you. Forever."

I realized that I was your getaway car. You enjoyed my presence and my availability, but I will never be the person you pursue.

Remember when I told you that I was scared my love would fade, and I didn’t want it to happen cause I want to stay inlove with you???

Just give me a little more time, let me love you a little longer.

Because I think it’s slowly happening now,

it's finally happening...

I fell in love with someone without me knowing.

I don’t know where to start and how to explain it, but i am in love lol. I don’t even have any signs or any proof of why I am but I guess it was just how it is. Of all the plans I had right after we broke up with my ex, falling in love with someone new wasn’t one of them. (magbuwag raman gud gehapon char and that’s why it took me almost 3yrs nga single haha)

He made me feel so comfortable that i could be myself around him without any hesitation and how he has this really contagious laugh that it just make you want to laugh along with it. (I couldn’t believe this is happening btw hehe)

Love comes unexpectedly, it comes when you don’t think you’re ready. And sometimes it comes when you’re still getting over something in the past. We think we pick who we love but love chooses us wether we’d like it to or not.

So I loved and lost someone who I thought was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.

And it ended...

But here I am, alive and kicking hehe. Moving on may take a bit longer to heal, but the heart can always heal once you decide to move on. At first, I really thought I will stay heart broken forever, and refuse to date again for the reason that it might happen again. To be honest, I miss the feeling of being in love, when you can get butterflies in your stomach and when hours of being together feel like minutes. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty.

I was shocked because it seemed so right and I dont understand what went wrong. Why does a relationship that feels so right end?

Another year over and I am still troubled by a relationship that ended 2 years ago. The whole thing is dragging on too long, why cant I just get over it?

I realized that it's not easy to move on most specially if you really do love that person too much. It's really easy to give advises to others, but so hard to use and apply it on yourself lol now I know the feeling of being the one who listens to my friends giving advises. Perhaps there's a part of me holds out hope that we could get back together again but I dont know when and how to start. Maybe I should just move on, let go of him to find my happiness and go on with my life, no matter how amazing he made me feel. Funny how everyone thinks I am over him haha. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes. Lately I've been grieving over it like it just happened. I think because he appears in my dreams occasionally and that's when I start getting sad over it again. I've tried accepting suitors to get through it but I ended up pushing them away from me. My friends keep on nagging me, because most of my friends thought that my ex cheated on me, where in fact I believe he didn't, cause I know in myself I know him too well. I spent so much time and effort trying to fight against fate to make him stay. My colleagues from my previous workplace had witnessed my stupidity, and told me to stop hurting myself cause it's obvious that he's not coming back. I still remember the message he sent to me by mistake haha or maybe he did it on purpose to push me away from him. That moment I cried a river while working during my graveyard shift. I really feel pity on myself while remembering those times. I loved him so much that I was willing to turn blind eye and that I ignored the warning voice running in my head telling me it was a bad idea. My mistake was pretending nothing was wrong and swept the problems and red flags aside. I was dealing with great sorrow way back then, cause I have just lost a beautiful man ( i have my reasons why i can still call him beautiful despite on what happened between us, I hold no grudge).

But right now, at this very moment (while writing this one) I am glad and satisfied for what I have right now. I really need to get and find myself back after losing it. Moving forward, finally letting go of the pain and getting back on track. I am thinking the things I missed, while I am busy thinking all of this moving on thingy. I am slowly accepting that maybe we're not meant to be and maybe that's okay. That we were a mistake right from the start and we were wrong for eachother (I can still remember this is what exactly he told me) That we are better off apart and living our own separate lives and we are toxic to eachother. With him, I became another version of myself that I couldn't recognize. I was too focused on him to be there for myself. I was too in loved. But now, I can reclaim my own identity and be the person I'm meant to be without him by my side.

Maybe we're not meant to be together. Not yet. Or not just in this lifetime. Maybe we're meant to have a perfect life in our perfect world in the next lifetime or even the one after that. (The King: Eternal Monarch ang peg? haha kdrama pa more) Maybe in that lifetime i'll be brave enough to be with you and brave enough to never let you go. And slowly I have come to my senses and accept that I can only truly find my own happiness after I let you go.

I have faith that one day, "I will get there"

Everything happens for a reason... -jedang

screnshoots from the movie

I can't get this song that I am listened to out of my head grrrr! and when it feels like the lyrics were written just for me. Weww

That what is lost ain't gone

No, you can't just let go

'Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong

Embrace your flaws

I'm not gonna fight back what I've become

Yeah, I've got bruises where I came from

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars

I've been going way too hard on myself

Guess that it's the reason I've been feeling like hell

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

Thank you Christina Perri !!!❤️