#evolution of self

the fallacy of self

Sun Behind Clouds – Burnham Overy Staithe by Stephen Martyn

the sun bears the weight (of a culmination of clouds) trying to break through, trying to hang on to a clear sky that has abandoned any thought of light —

i see the silk-green texture of people through my spring-leaf glasses and everything seems distant in the tunnel vision of my truths,

i wish to see, i wish i would not see at times, when…

All of Nature cycles each year including the Antarctic and North Poles naturally;Transformation.

For Humans,  we are comprised of two completely different cells that conjoin together, become an embryo, grow within a body, once born our bodies develop naturally.

But something happens in the Transformation, we are taught Fear, Not to…

Who was I before 2015. Like it’s here a part of me of course. But it used to be so tangible. I longed for that peace I felt before the world turned upside down. This all started from fucking Instagram, looking back on my feed. The person before I found out about Jana and months later my own mothers death doesn’t seem as appealing as it used to be. I go through phases of this and I’m sure the weed helps, but where I feel disconnected from my past self. Usually it was because something was too uncomfortable to face. But the person I was before they died was not uncomfortable. That person has peace and clarity. They were satisfied with where we were at. But then it changed. I had to face mourning and grief not just 2x but a third when I had to see my friend go through an even worse experience imagineable. Mourning and grief. In a constant hit after hit during the first 4 months of 2015. Following and along with the mourning and grief was the numbness. I smoked but it didn’t matter i felt little to nothing. It felt wrong to enjoy, to laugh, to fuck. It all felt so fucked up. Nothing felt right. I did what I had to, went to work, paid my bills. But I’d walk through my days on autopilot. Always looking as blank as I felt. I just stared out the window of the car while we drove anywhere. That was the girl I knew after the pain. The pain was intense and I was glad to feel numb. But then something changed. I can’t recall when but for months now I’ve been feeling so deeply and so fully. I want to inspire and be inspired and I feel that’s happening. I no longer feel the longing to be numb or to be the person I was before I felt this pain. I’ll never be the stoned hippie who overcame an abusive father, sexual assault as a kid, and addict parents. She smoked to feel she felt it all. Then I felt true pain loss and grief. I longed for the girl who felt nothing but positivity and love for the world. That didn’t come, and then I felt numb. Nothing to very little. Now I feel it all. So deeply. I want to love and show compassion and empathy for my fellow man. I acknowledge the shit and piss of the world and work on ways to solve the anxiety it gives me in my daily life. I don’t deny my feelings or bury them away they are accessible to me. And I long to feel them. All of those layers are my current self. I’ve existed through so much. And now I get to continue to exist. Enlightened to it all the pain and the beauty. I get to exist in both sides of the spectrum. Embracing whatever life throws at me because I know I can handle it. I can survive being numb and I can thrive in the beauty. The first picture is me Jan 6th, 2015 before I knew what was happening. The second Nov 23rd, 2017 after embracing my pain and living with it and the beauty. Growth. Please keep going.