#essay ref

how can i get the passion back that was grounded out of me through childhood. When I was younger I had such a fire in me when I thought about fashion it was unbelievable... thinking about it now makes me miss how whole it made me feel.. I feel such a hallowness now... a void...its missing passion.. my passion is dead. When I was a little girl, every chance I got, I’d watch runway shows. I’d be mesmerized; in a trance watching each model strut down the runway with that “look” in their eyes, arms swaying back and forth, quickly stepping, but not rushed, show casing  the artwork that was donned on them. From that moment, at one point or another something in me clicked.. something just felt right.. and at the moment, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.. I didn’t know what it was,but I wanted to be apart of that world. So I would occasionally draw’sketch these models and do my own thing and constantly draw.. Praise after praise, I heard the one thing I was dying to hear.. “look at you, gonna be a fashion designer huh ?”  And I don't think I’ve ever beamed harder.  I was praised, it was great so I kept going and kept drawing.But somewhere along the line, I got older and as I got older that meant it was time to get serious and think about what I wanted to do in life.. (at the tender age of 12) suddenly, my drawings weren't cute anymore I guess and critism came harsh and often...suddenly my drawings “werent going to take me anywhere in life”and “how can you make a living off a drawing cartoons ??” It was like a complete switch up, they didnt care anymore.. they never even asked if i still wanted to be a fashion designer.. No more encouragement, no more support it was time to “grow the fuck up”.  Deep down inside I wanted to still, it wasnt something I wanted to give up. I wanted to try, I wanted to fight for what I wanted because of how it made me feel;complete.  So i held on to it .. for 3 more years. I begged my mother, to let me get a machine.. she doesnt get me one.. but somehow my older sister ends up with one, its purple and in her favorite color. She never used it.  I try to convince my mom to let me take a stab at it, since I still want to try and do designing (also because I knew that the schools I wanted to go to, had a entry requirement and you had to show what kind of stitch work you could do..) She tells me no, why ? because I’ll sew my fingers off...So I pushed that aside, why ? because im not going to disobey my parent, but this is when I think, I was pushed to the point of no return.. and I have never been the same since that day. High school selections. There wa one school I had my eye on in particular.High school of Fashion Institutes.. I figured this is high school, this is my chance.. they can teach me everything I need to know, especially for college. So I went over the choices with my mom, and I told her, I wanted to go to THFI...Immediately disapproving of my choice. She tells me its too far.. and she doesnt trust me enough to travel the train on my own to go to school that far..every excuse in the book. From the bronx to manhattan.. I tried so hard.. I begged and I pleaded, I told her the bus stop was literally a couple mintues away and that I could handle it... this was something I really wanted..I was willing to stitch all my fingers to together just to go, my grades were phenomenal, I endured hell in middle school and I damn well deserved to go to school of my choice. But no, only more excuses..” you dont need to go to a fashion school for that.. you can do that in college.. you’re going to wings,  that’s it” “ you’re sister went there and she’s fine. “ the school is too far” “ you cant even stitch/sew how are you going to do that portfolio “Honestly, I went all the way off... threw a tantrum and everything.. and cried on my bed.. and all she did was repeat the same shit over and over. Apart of me broke, suddenly I started replaying everything in my head, over and over.. I started thinking.. I cant stitch or sew anyway.. I can’t really do much.. It is too far.. I can;t do it.. I couldnt handle that... what would be the point.. and the more I thought about it, the tighter my throat got.. and the hollower my chest felt. After a while I was no longer crying.. because I gave up. All that fight, all that passion was soaked into my pillow.. Ever since then, I’ve always limited myself, never pushed boundaries, or went after what I wanted.. I figured if I couldnt do what I wanted.. and be open to express myself freely why try ? So with that my grades fell, I did shitty in high school..because what was I getting good grades for ? It just wasnt were I wanted to be, because it wasnt helping me with where I wanted to go. For 5 years.. I was dead. Literally. The lack of passion and meaning in my life almost killed me.. honestly. The only thing I could of really enjoyed was the art program/class which was only allowed to be taken for one year (luckily a club was made out of it) and I further developed my skills. It’s funny how when this skill developed suddenly I was getting compliments and praise again.. but they didnt mean much, because at that point its like, why should I care, if you dont even believe in me ?? It’s only a hobby, since thats what you guys want it to be. Im desperately trying so hard to find that passion again.. I miss it so much its unbearable. With that passion I can do anything, I feel as if I am on top of the world and not a soul can break me.. and that day I went to FIT.. when  I saw the designs up close and personal, much like when I went to the Mcqueen, Savage Beauty Exhibition I felt that spark again. I felt that same feeling of wholeness;completion I felt when I was a little girl watching those models strut down the runway. That’s the feeling I want to feel all the time, thats the feeling I want to feel when I go to class, knowing that what Im doing right now will help me get to where I want to be. Even if I dont get to design immediately, I dont care, Ill learn the business in and out if I must first, just so I can do that.. just so I can see what Ive created come to life...just so I can evoke the same feeling in another insecure and unconfident little girl or boy. I have a dream I want to achieve and I afraid, more afraid than I’ve ever been, though I am in a better place than where I was 5 years ago.. those words still bother me and puts fear in to my very being and stops me in my tracks every time. I still look for the support in my family, I just want that support, so my confidence can come back..but  at this point in my life I cant depend on them for that anymore. I have to believe in myself if I really want to get that far..even if it hurts I will try and make a difference, Im done being in a rut and Im tired..I have to try.. I have to do it.