#emotiona

this layer of protection around your already harshly wounded heart, despite seeming safe and a good compromise, it's not of help to you as it keeps you stuck in a situation that is no longer where you belong or want to stay. it doesn't allow you to really leave that cycle. to really be able to see and welcome something else. it only gives you more self doubts and insecurities about your worth/deservance and ...makes you ready to say "I knew it, it's never going to happen/be different for me": but that's cause it's what you were expecting for real, what were up to see. you were waiting for something negative, for another confirmation of your fears.

to really change things, you need to let go of the fear of being hurt, to let yourself be ready to get hurt again possibly, be vulnerable: you will survive anyway as you always did. ofc it will hurt, but... what if this time things will really be different for you? what if you won't get hurt? it ofc feels scary cause it's something you're not used to, but why let your fears take control of your life and keep you stuck where you don't want to stay anymore (and where it really hurts you)? just because you don't want to potentially get hurt? kids learn to walk and keep running even if they fall and get hurt in the process (not just potentially, it happens). but they get up again and try again, until they master it all. maybe that's the trick. start trying. it may not work immediately but it will once you master your fears. you'll learn to run.

I found this through a fav youtuber of mine, Boze. She does true crime for ADHD lads with a side of psychological breakdown of each situation. Super rad. This a wheel she introduced in one of her videos a while back, and I think it could be useful to my fellow losers.

As flowers bloom,

Deep breaths in an empty room,

you hold my hand, cold to touch,

Gripping it tight, but not enough

Not smooth - slightly rough,

As I guide my index finger through the dust

clumps of a past crumble in my fingers,

The smell of you on my cardigan lingers

The empty room fills dark,

As there is light from the moon,

Light shines from the corner,

A brightness, A View,

Deep breaths become short,

Four feet become two,

I lay my head on, your pillow, as I dream of you

Flowers are blooming,

As the sun starts to shine,

It’s raining less now,

As the sun starts to rise,

We don’t live long, as the sun starts to die,

April’s showers come and take over our life,

2 weeks and it’s over, before it had begun,

I’m like a cherry blossom and I blossom in the sun x

❛    i keep thinking that if i turn my head fast enough , i’ll see their face … or if i listen hard enough , that i’ll hear their voice … but i won’t .   ❜     from   rey   /   @dyiad​​

            𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐀𝐓 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐏𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐄                 dark eyes held in  d e l i c a c y    upon her against the dim, flickering luminescence a fire casts out and into the room.  god of lies, creature of hatred  --  child of darkness!  yet, through the ties the force had bound them with, the knight of ren’s features are left to the softness of a boy.  something far more human than what he had become,    ❛    no, you won’t.    they left you, rey ..  left a child in the hands of a filthy junk trader, in a wasteland.  ❜    words like dark velvet, to pour from his tongue like water  -  yet, they are left clinging to the air as something burdened heavily with far more substance.  ❛   -  tell me, why should you yearn so desperately for people like that? you called me a monster, once  -  it made you want to kill me ; yet, you have been scrambling after a pair of them since you can remember.   ❜

permits the silence to hold her  ;  to reach out, and caress her cheek .. or strike it.  the saliva he swallows is suddenly thick, and it sticks to the back of his tongue as a wave of cold washes over the back of his neck  /  though he suddenly hardens, where the body may have insisted to shudder.   ❛   let the past die .. kill it, if you have to  -  its the only way to become what you are meant to be.   ❜  

I‘ll Never See The World by SWARM and Brian Lenington aka EMOTIONA was released at a time where I also asked myself if I really gonna see the world or if I‘ll be stuck in a darker phase of my life. It was tougher to meet people that time, my four walls eventually fell down on me, but I made it through that time. Yes, there is a way to eventually see the world.