#emo much?

but for now there's past mistakes and embarrassments to mull over. there's heaven in the form of music that sounds best on full volume in my ears- risk of tinnitus be damned.

there's mental meal prepping that must happen for the day ahead. i may choose to live come tomorrow morning, and wouldn't it be nice then to have something cooked and filling?

there's peace to be made with the passage of time and the ticking of clocks and the progress of calendar years and my approaching birthday. there's my ongoing degree to think of, (will its completion ever even matter given the job market and the state of the world?)

there's mental notes to be made about my dog's ongoing medicine, about the gift i have to buy for my friend, the packing i have to do for the fast approaching vacation. wouldn't it be a shame to drop dead before it all? who knows.

there's my therapy session, the first of this year, left to attend at the end of this week. maybe my therapist will talk me off this ledge im on in my mind.

What do you think happens when we die?

What’s gonna happen on your dying day Will you turn to dirt or find the pearly gates

-Taking Back Sunday “Tidal Wave”

Honestly, no one really knows, right? But let me put it to you this way, I do believe in ghosts, so therefore I think something happens. 

I’d like to believe that I’d go to heaven and be reunited with all my doggos and family and friends who have gone before me, or go the Good Place, or what have you, but if I could haunt someplace after I’m dead, I’m cool with that as well. I’d hate to be forced to suffer for eternity, but really I can’t even wrap my brain around the concept of eternity.

But if I end up closing my eyes and that’s it, nothingness. Well, I’m sure that would be ok too.