#edsolider

how do i heal myself? im trying and its getting harder and harder each day. i cringe thinking about being in my body but i preach self love to others. how can i learn to do the same for myself? how can i stop obsessing over the fat on my body? im so torn between wanting to be lean but not being ready to diet. i fear calories so much and im at an all time orthorexic high. yet i eat an insane amount- which is why i panic nearly every day. i feel so trapped. i just want to be free so badly and i dont know how to do it. i have to be honest, trying to get into the fitness world was the worst thing i could have done for my recovery. it threw me back so much farther than i ever was. its not a health community and ive heard that so many times but now i finally see it.

i tracked about 75% of the food i ate today and estimated the rest. if i was on point at all, it came to around 3600 calories. higher in fat, about 16% for the day. but healthy fats, from nuts and oats. seriously it was all healthy foods, except for a couple things: dried cranberries (only because im trying to stay away from dried fruits- i want to eat whole foods ), a small bit of jif natural pb, and a tiny few spoons of miso soup (found out its not vegan!! didnt know this))): but at least i barely ate it). not that those foods are bad, i know many people dont believe in good or bad foods, but i dont normally like to include dried fruits, nuts or nut butters, and things like that. im trying to be as whole food based as possible. but i could feel myself looking for a denser source of energy so im going to trust my instinct in eating these foods for enough energy. i lifted shoulders and some arms today, 25 minutes of gym cardio, plus about an hour walk through some woods today. i dont know what my body needed all this energy for, but i know my period is coming also, so i will honor my body and trust that it is all being put to good use. im fighting back strong anxiety over this many calories and the higher fat so its hard as hell to sit here right now, battling thoughts of over compensating for the calories tomorrow. i hate when these feelings get to me. i feel like im the only girl who eats 3000+ calories a day and i feel like i dont work out enough to eat this much. i dont know, its so annoying to be attacked by these ed feelings still to this day.

ive been kind of MIA on here for a bit, so its probably no surprise that ive been struggling for a while. im trying so hard to convince myself that calories dont matter and neither does my weight or body fat percentage. but its so hard. i dont know why the fact that i have body fat makes me feel worthless or not good enough. i compare myself at this stage of my journey to so many skinny or fit or lean girls and i always end up feeling like crap. but i still see myself in recovery, i dont think i ever gave myself enough time to reset my body before i took it on a second roller coaster ride of restriction. im still learning and i find some relief knowing that im always changing and flowing with the universal energy and i have the power to create what i want out of life. im doing a lot of soul searching lately and i can only hope that im close to a break through.

another day, another whole lot of untracked calories (a lot of fats- pretty much all good fats but still). just a reminder to myself that i will be okay. also, note to self- stop comparing myself to bikini competitors with 5+ years of experience. thats not healthy for me.