So a long and somewhat awkward post but this week was Eating Disorder Awareness week and march 1st was Self Harm Awareness day. I've suffered with anorexia, depression and anxiety for the past 7 years, resulting in being admitted inpatient 5 times. I've missed out on a lot because of my eating disorder. I was supposed to see @taylorswift on Speak Now tour when I was first inpatient in 2011. I was there for 3 months and had got my mum to bring in my Taylor CDs to listen to. On a particularly bad night for me there was a nurse sat in my room, she was flicking through my CDs and started talking about how much she loved @taylorswift and how she'd just been to the Speak Now tour. I was flooded with envy and heartbreak. I was supposed to be there, I was supposed to be crying over finally seeing Taylor for the first time and dancing to my favourite songs, I could picture it all so well, but instead I was crying over meal times and being fed through a tube. This was when it truly hit me how much I'd been missing out on and how much I'd continue to miss out on. The fearless quote has always meant a lot to me. I remember the day Fearless album was released and mum had driven me to pick a copy up in store and I came home and listened to it on repeat all night, uncovering all the hidden messages and reading the fearless quote on the last page. This was pre-eating disorder me but something about the fearless quote meant so much to me, is always liked the idea of being fearless. When I was in hospital that time my cousin had made me a bracelet saying "fearless" and i wore it every day. It was a constant reminder that my life was worth living. I'd finally got to see @taylorswift live in Wembley stadium for Summertime Ball. I was able to do that. I'd camped out for 2 days in a tent outside the gate because I was able to do that, I wasn't stuck within hospital walls. I was able to cry and dance along to my favourite songs. Coming up to my Red tour date I was in a particularly bad place and was hospitalised again but i soon got out because I couldn't miss this. I'd given up on ever hearing my favourite song Fearless live. I knew I'd never hear it and I'd come to terms with that. But I was at Red tour on 1st February 2014 and it happened. She sang fearless and I was a mess. I was seated in the skies and there was thousands of people but somehow I felt like the only person in the room, I felt like it was for me. The following weekend I got the fearless quote tattooed on my arm as a constant reminder of how special that day was and as a reminder that I am the fearless girl I dreamt of being. Every time I'm in a bad place I look down at my arm and I'm reminded of how it felt to be at that concert after missing out before and for a few minutes I'm content and at peace because in my head I'm back at that concert and I'm reminded that my life is worth living, despite my doubts and fears, keep fighting. So @taylorswift thank you. Thank you for teaching me to be fearless and sticking by me all these years. LoveLoveLove x
