I guess I won’t get too much into the performances. I thought the show was good, and all my friends had an excellent reception. I was sitting with Hani, Hunter, Dane, and some others from their company--including Miss Dah’lia, incidentally. I’ve been working on my signing in case I ran into her again. I would have asked her if I had improved or not, but events got in the way.

So, during the first act, Vylette got up and played a number of songs, and as usual she was a compelling stage presence. But as she was finishing her set, she happened to mention that she was in love with . . . Mai Takeda!

Well . . . this was quite a shock, for a variety of reasons. I was ill-prepared for the statement, and after I picked up my jaw from the ground and said a word I shouldn’t have said in public (in front of people who don’t know me well enough to make allowances!), I got up and excused myself. I walked over to the beach, and swam out some distance, and then just . . . floated.

I find the water calming. Fishing is calming, also, but I didn’t have my fishing rod, and while playing guitar might’ve soothed me, it was likewise unavailable. So I just floated and tried to sort out this new information.

In the first place, I wasn’t aware Mai was even back in Eorzea. I haven’t seen her since we parted, so many moons ago now, and the last word I had about her was that she had gone to Othard. So the fact that somehow she and Vylette even met was something I would never have predicted. In the second place--out of all the people that either of them might have met when they moved on, what are the odds that they would meet each other?

Now, that’s a serious question. I really feel like talking to one of my more mathematically-oriented acquaintances and seeing if they could figure it out. I have dated so few people at all (let’s see . . . 4? I’m not even sure one of those really counts), and the two women who I was most serious about--they end up together. It’s just . . . baffling.

I was also trying to sort through some things about some of my friends. I feel that they knew about this, and they didn’t tell me. I was over at Savo’s the other day watching her rehearse, and Fhey stopped by. And they mentioned that Vylette was dating someone. So I actually knew that. But they didn’t say who, they just said she was dating “the busty skink,” and left it at that. Politically incorrect terminology aside, I would never have put two and two together from that description, but they both had met Mai before, so they knew who it was and didn’t tell me. They left me to find out, in a public and messy way, instead of arming me with the knowledge.

Cael eventually swam out to see if I was all right, and I voiced as much to him. He said perhaps they were trying to shield me from the pain or something, but . . . come on. Vylette and I are both performers, there was no way I wasn’t eventually going to find out. I would have preferred not to embarrass myself in public in the manner that I did. It really hurts my feelings that they didn’t tell me.

I went ashore with Cael, and Eao and Hunter were both there, concerned. I apologized to them, and to the others when I got back, for acting as I had. I watched the rest of the show with them, and saw Hani perform. Then we went back to the Rubato. Eao decided that I should get drunk in order to deal with the issue.

Well, of course, I can’t get drunk, but I don’t think they believed me. I was forced to put on a demonstration.It involved a lot of rum.

Most of them thought I would be angry with Vylette and Mai over this whole thing. I’m not angry with them at all. I mean, think about it: in both their cases, they were people who I thought I could fall in love with. They both are so talented, and beautiful, and passionate. The fact that they see that in each other is no mystery at all. The coincidence of it is jarring, is all.

No, what bothers me is the message I get out of it. Clearly, both of them are capable of being in a loving relationship. Just not with me. How much more of a message do I need from the universe than this that I am just not worthy of such a relationship?

I know I did a lot of bad things when I was younger. I took the law into my own hands. I have struggled and worked since then to try and make amends, to be a better person--a good person. But maybe the universe isn’t so forgiving. Maybe being alone is the price I will have to pay.

I have some close friends, many of whom drank with me last night and tried to make me feel better. Hunter was especially worried that I wasn’t facing the problem, and that it would bite me in the tail later if I didn’t, which was really sweet. I have to be thankful at least that I have some people who care so much about me.

Still . . . the cold, empty side of my bed is a constant reminder of a part of my life that may never be filled.