#dane-escherra

The event began with a play from Palazzo Aldenard, which I unfortunately missed as I didn’t arrive on time. I was no involved in the play itself, but I really wanted to see it, especially as there was apparently going to be a Viera performing with them who I have not met yet. I guess we have really different schedules or something. Oh well, maybe another time.

I was really enjoying the show, and hanging out with Hani, Hunter, Dane, and Dah’lia for viewing. Dah’lia was hungry and Hani suggested I take her to look for food, so we went and found some chowder and some sort of rum drink. The warmth was much appreciated. Hani and the gang all performed before I was on, and they did wonderfully. But then it was time for me.

The song I put together really drains me of energy, but Halone was really there for me at a time when I needed strength. So, I put my all into it.

There came a point where I changed costume to actually represent Halone to some degree, and I’m pretty sure I heard some gasps in the audience, so I guess it had the effect I had intended.

By the time the song was over, I basically just collapsed for a few moments, but eventually I was able to get up and drag myself from the stage. I think people felt mostly positive about the song, which makes me feel pretty satisfied with it.

After the rest of the performances, I stopped and talked to Hani for a bit about, umm . . . well, let’s leave that alone for the moment. In any case, while we were talking, Vylette came by. We all exchanged some pleasantries, and then she suddenly said she wanted to apologize for how I found out about her and Mai. Well, Hani and Hunter and Dane suddenly found interest in nearby cloud formations, trying to preserve the idea that they weren’t listening. Anyway, I told Vylette that I wasn’t mad at her, that it was just such a surprising situation to be confronted with, and I hoped I hadn’t ruined her performance with my outburst. She said she hadn’t hear it, so I shouldn’t worry.

I’m not sure anyone believes me on this, but it’s actually true. I would never begrudge someone else finding love. As I’ve written before, it really just makes me feel badly about myself, that perhaps I’m just not someone worth loving. It does feel like people I am attached to either leave or something happens to them. I’m not a big believer in fate, but it does make me wonder if it’s just my destiny to . . . well.

Anyway, I told Vylette I wished the two of them well, and asked if she would pass that on to Mai, who wasn’t with her, and she said she would. Vylette left, and the rest of us looked around for Fhey, who was holding court in a nearby bar. She started an argument about whether or not someone who accepts money can be considered an artist or not.Basically, her argument was that if you get paid, then because of that, you aren’t creating art anymore. Now, I consider that proposition to be a load of moogle’s kidneys, but Fhey assured the group that she is always right. Well . . . I know when I’m banging my head against a wall. Anyway, I took me leave after a bit and headed home, not long after Hani, Hunter, and Dane went home to partake of something called a “cuddle pile.” To me, that sounded like something of which Fhey would be familiar, but she was as ignorant as me on the subject, and I didn’t want to ask too many questions. So, I was off.

On the very good news front, REMODELING IS FINALLY DONE! I am planning a move back to Eorzea in the near future. I imagine I will still add some odds and ends here and there, but I think it came out nicely once I was around more often to hound the contractors. Sayashi and Ona are so relieved that their work routine can go back to normal.

I decided to hire some new servants, though. Sayashi and Ona already had plenty to occupy them, and with the new space, I don’t want them overworked. Originally, I decided to hire just one more worker, but when I started doing interviews . . . well, I guess I have a soft spot for people in certain situations, so I hired more than one. I never thought I needed any servants, but . . . well, it’s nice to not have to cook, considering my skills in the arena are pretty limited.

I’m thinking of having a party to celebrate my homecoming. I don’t know, though . . . I’ve never had a party before. I’m not sure what it would entail. Also . . . what if no one came?

I shall think on the matter.

I guess I won’t get too much into the performances. I thought the show was good, and all my friends had an excellent reception. I was sitting with Hani, Hunter, Dane, and some others from their company--including Miss Dah’lia, incidentally. I’ve been working on my signing in case I ran into her again. I would have asked her if I had improved or not, but events got in the way.

So, during the first act, Vylette got up and played a number of songs, and as usual she was a compelling stage presence. But as she was finishing her set, she happened to mention that she was in love with . . . Mai Takeda!

Well . . . this was quite a shock, for a variety of reasons. I was ill-prepared for the statement, and after I picked up my jaw from the ground and said a word I shouldn’t have said in public (in front of people who don’t know me well enough to make allowances!), I got up and excused myself. I walked over to the beach, and swam out some distance, and then just . . . floated.

I find the water calming. Fishing is calming, also, but I didn’t have my fishing rod, and while playing guitar might’ve soothed me, it was likewise unavailable. So I just floated and tried to sort out this new information.

In the first place, I wasn’t aware Mai was even back in Eorzea. I haven’t seen her since we parted, so many moons ago now, and the last word I had about her was that she had gone to Othard. So the fact that somehow she and Vylette even met was something I would never have predicted. In the second place--out of all the people that either of them might have met when they moved on, what are the odds that they would meet each other?

Now, that’s a serious question. I really feel like talking to one of my more mathematically-oriented acquaintances and seeing if they could figure it out. I have dated so few people at all (let’s see . . . 4? I’m not even sure one of those really counts), and the two women who I was most serious about--they end up together. It’s just . . . baffling.

I was also trying to sort through some things about some of my friends. I feel that they knew about this, and they didn’t tell me. I was over at Savo’s the other day watching her rehearse, and Fhey stopped by. And they mentioned that Vylette was dating someone. So I actually knew that. But they didn’t say who, they just said she was dating “the busty skink,” and left it at that. Politically incorrect terminology aside, I would never have put two and two together from that description, but they both had met Mai before, so they knew who it was and didn’t tell me. They left me to find out, in a public and messy way, instead of arming me with the knowledge.

Cael eventually swam out to see if I was all right, and I voiced as much to him. He said perhaps they were trying to shield me from the pain or something, but . . . come on. Vylette and I are both performers, there was no way I wasn’t eventually going to find out. I would have preferred not to embarrass myself in public in the manner that I did. It really hurts my feelings that they didn’t tell me.

I went ashore with Cael, and Eao and Hunter were both there, concerned. I apologized to them, and to the others when I got back, for acting as I had. I watched the rest of the show with them, and saw Hani perform. Then we went back to the Rubato. Eao decided that I should get drunk in order to deal with the issue.

Well, of course, I can’t get drunk, but I don’t think they believed me. I was forced to put on a demonstration.It involved a lot of rum.

Most of them thought I would be angry with Vylette and Mai over this whole thing. I’m not angry with them at all. I mean, think about it: in both their cases, they were people who I thought I could fall in love with. They both are so talented, and beautiful, and passionate. The fact that they see that in each other is no mystery at all. The coincidence of it is jarring, is all.

No, what bothers me is the message I get out of it. Clearly, both of them are capable of being in a loving relationship. Just not with me. How much more of a message do I need from the universe than this that I am just not worthy of such a relationship?

I know I did a lot of bad things when I was younger. I took the law into my own hands. I have struggled and worked since then to try and make amends, to be a better person--a good person. But maybe the universe isn’t so forgiving. Maybe being alone is the price I will have to pay.

I have some close friends, many of whom drank with me last night and tried to make me feel better. Hunter was especially worried that I wasn’t facing the problem, and that it would bite me in the tail later if I didn’t, which was really sweet. I have to be thankful at least that I have some people who care so much about me.

Still . . . the cold, empty side of my bed is a constant reminder of a part of my life that may never be filled.