#dyphoria

Anatomy book:

Dysphoria: You should close the book now.

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Me: *takes birth control so I can try sex because getting pregnant would be bad for me and the dysphoria would kill me before the baby would*

Me: *reads that birth control will heighten estrogen levels, lower testosterone levels, and make me fatter*

Me: *looks up how to get the pill to not do that, because those 3 things will make me commit violent thing*

Website: do not get stressed. It raises estrogen.

Me: *gets more stressed because I know I won't be able to stop myself from getting stressed*

Website: also you should lose as much weight as possible😐 your fat contains estrogen

Me:😐

Website:😐

Me:☹️ *dysphoria and body image issues increases by 100%*

  Am I a boy or girl? 

 When the words that they use do not relate to the feeling of the skin against my bones, when the reflection in the mirror does not reflect my hopes.

 Looking down doesn’t feel right, looking down is like being on the edge of a cliff wondering if you will fall or back away just in time to forgive. 

 Cut my hair because I can’t stand it anymore, I can’t stand to just ignore this uncomfortable feeling and sight that I see every day. This feeling that reoccurs and taunts me to destroy my dreams.

Dress more masculine, will this help? It’s hard to breath but it might be worth it so I can succeed.  It’s the middle of summer and I will layer clothing so they can’t see. Can they see what terrifies me?

I use new pronouns, he/him fits like a large T-shirt, it’s comfortable and I love it but people don’t notice i’m wearing it. They still talk about the dress I wore last year. I wish that memory would just disappear 

I can’t get rid of my femininity, I want to wear make-up and still be a boy. Why does my mind play with me, I'm not a toy! I still want to wear stuff that girls can too, can I do this without people being rude? Can I do this without the words that like to intrude?

I can’t be a feminin boy, then I'll be a girl who is confused. I can’t wear make-up or I will be made fun of. But why? Why can’t boys be feminine?

I am a boy, I am feminin because that's how I was raised, and I don’t want that to change. I still want to be a “he” and “him” but I also want to do what I think will fit. I like make-up and sometimes girl clothes but if I wear it it’s because I'm comfortable with myself.  I was raised knowing that it was okay not to conform to gender role stereotypes if you don’t want to, and if it makes you uncomfortable. So with that I will be who I am. I will be Me.