#dunyazatde

Jisoo eyes the Skype icon that keeps vibrating as he curses the day Soonyoung was born. He had clearly told his brother he’d come online today and lo and behold! Soonyoung was nowhere to be seen. He’s this close to disowning the man when the great Mr Kwon Soonyoung finally decides to answer the call.

“I know I am late but please understand I couldn’t find my laptop charger!” Soonyoung speaks a mile a minute to avoid Jisoo’s chiding. When he sees the man’s frown only double in size, he brings out his hands in front of him and waves them about exclaiming, “I’m sorry im sorry im sorry!”

At brother’s pleading expression and pouting lips, Jisoo doesn’t stand a chance. And it seems Soonyoung knows because he’s part snickering as he apologises. “Urgh!” Jisoo screams, pulling at his hair comically and had Soonyoung not been begging the man for forgiveness, he would’ve guffawed at his expression. “I hate when you make that face!”

Soonyoung knows now that he’s in the clear so he snickers and exclaims, “love you too, Josh!” He shakes his head when Jisoo mock glares at him and raises an eye cheekily as he asks, “so? Where’s Jeonghan? I wanna meet him! Show me! Show me! Show me!”

Rolling his eyes and sighing Jisoo places his elbow on the table and his face in his palm, grouching, “he just went to the bathroom. We’d been waiting for half an hour.”

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung whines, “I just got back from work. I’m exhausted.” The younger slams his head into his pillow making his tablet fall down. Propping it up by its side, Soonyoung continues looking at Jisoo with a wonky smile. It’s a different colour of Soonyoung and Jisoo can’t put a finger on it but something seems to have changed.

The elder chooses to voice his suspicious out with a tiny grin, “you seem content. Not happy, but content” Soonyoung laughs at his brother’s comment. The same old, crinkled eyes, hands on his mouth laughter. “Is it safe to assume you have a crush? Who is it? Your boss?”

Soonyoung’s expression sours at the words and he crinkles his nose funnyly, “my Boss is an old man, old man. And no,” Soonyoung shakes his head, his hair flopping, “I’m not crushing on anyone lately. I just had a good time last weekend with Wonwoo.”

Now Jisoo is very curious. Soonyoung having a good time is, in itself, a miracle ever since he forced himself into this marriage with Wonwoo. And to think that he’s had a good time with said husband? Jisoo absolutely has to know what’s that all about.

“Why? What’d you guys do?” Jisoo asks nonchalantly. Trying very hard to hide his curiosity about the matter.

“Nothing much,” Soonyoung shrugs, a small smile on his lips, “we watched some anime. Ate some ice cream. Talked a little.” Looking back into the tablet camera, Soonyoung continues to smile as he says, “we just had a good time.”

“Well,” the elder begins, “I’m glad you two are getting along.”

The man of the other end of the call coughs a little and his expression turns uncomfortable, as he tries to steal his gaze from his brother. “I wouldn’t exactly call it getting along…” Soonyoung licks his lips uneasily and tries to think of how to continue, “we’re back to ignoring each other again but I feel like I at least know something we have in common now. Besides being unhappy with our marriage.”

“Soonyoung…” Jisoo begins already at a loss for what to say next. He wants to comfort his brother somehow, but he already knows he can’t. “Soonyoung, I know you’re scared to try but sometimes, you have to be the one to initiate any kind of friction between each other. It’s frustrating, I know.” The elder huffs a sigh and shakes his head as he continues, “I know it’s frustrating to not know if you’ll make it. It’s infuriating when you have to start all the conversations. When you don’t have a choice. But Wonwoo is a very nice guy. He’s just a little shy.”

“I know, Josh,” Soonyoung mumbles, turning on his side to stare up at the ceiling. “it’s just… after Mingyu… I’m not ready. In fact, I don’t want to. I’m happy with us just being friendly strangers. I don’t want to lose the one thing that is set in stone for me. He’s not… he’s not Mingyu.”

And the elder knows that’s not all of Soonyoung’s worries. No one would know better than him how much Soonyoung has suffered at the hands of fate just to end up in an unhappy marriage with a heartbroken man. From being rejected to having to reject so many.

To having to hear those dreaded words before saying goodbye to his soulmate.

Soonyoung has suffered so many heartbreaks in his small twenty-seven years of life that Jisoo can’t even fathom how the man smiles at him every time they speak.

He remembers that one time when Soonyoung was sixteen and had confessed to a girl that he liked her, only to be rudely rejected because she was already in love with someone else.

When Soonyoung was eighteen and had gone out with another for two days before he was dumped because the words on his wrist scared her (as if it was Soonyoung that would cause her death).

And that time when Soonyoung was twenty-one, his boyfriend had dumped him because he was so sure he had found his soulmate.

Or when Soonyoung was only twenty-five when his third boyfriend died after saying goodbye. When the words on Soonyoung’s left hand wrist glowed golden as his soulmate boarded the plane.

Yep. Life didn’t deal Soonyoung the best cards and Jisoo was no stranger to this. But, seeing his brother smiling quietly, despite his worried eyes staring back at him, he couldn’t help but wonder if Soonyoung had finally found a person to call his own now.

“I think Wonwoo’s the one, Soonyoung,” Jisoo mutters, smiling quietly at his brother. “Try and get to know him. Try and be the sixteen-year-old who randomly confessed to a girl because he liked her stockings.”

Soonyoung laughs out loud at the mention of Minyeo, his high school crush, and relishes in his attempt at a proper confession. He’d always been a little too impulsive when it came to feelings and even, he found it disturbing sometimes.

“Let’s keep sixteen-year-old me out of the conversation,” Soonyoung sniggers, “and talk about Mr Yoon Jeonghan. Where is he?”

“Oh! Right!” Jisoo grins, turning his head to the bathroom and screaming, “Jeonghan! Come out now or I’m bringing the phone into the shower!”

Soonyoung sniggers at his dramatic brother and watches Jisoo smile when the sound of the bathroom door opening makes him look up.

“Soonyoung?” Wonwoo calls him then. Soonyoung turns to find him peeping into the room as if unsure if he’s allowed to enter his home office. Soonyoung smiles at his husband, lazily waving him over as he points at his tablet.

“Jisoo’s online!” He exclaims, smirking giddily when Wonwoo rushes over to his side and pushes him out of the screen to say hello to his brother.

“Josh!” Wonwoo waves at him, smiling happily. “How’s LA?”

“Wonwoo! LA is amazing! The weather here is to die for! You two should’ve been here!”

“Maybe next time,” Wonwoo smiles, shooting a glance at Soonyoung who looks just as baffled by the declaration as Jisoo does. “Where’s that mysterious boyfriend of yours that Soonyoung’s always talking about?”

Jisoo starts speaking but before he can even get a word out the camera shakes violently and his voice turns staticky.

“Is he out now?” Soonyoung yells into his headphones, but he can't make out anything his brother is saying. Annoyance discolours Jisoo’s face and then the camera turns to show a handsome young man waving at Soonyoung and Wonwoo.

They laugh at the goofy smile on the man’s face. They already know it’s Jeonghan, Jisoo’s boyfriend, acting cheeky in the video call, completely ignoring his angry boyfriend in the background.

The camera shakes a little and Jeonghan’s face comes into view. There are soap suds under his chin, and he looks every bit of that goof Jisoo had said he was. And Soonyoung giggles at the man waving a soapy hand at him, supposedly speaking. But the audio is lost.

Jisoo jumps up behind his boyfriend and seems to be yelling at the man, pointing at the phone and Soonyoung is severely confused but everything that’s going on screen is hilarious. Even without the audio, both Soonyoung and Wonwoo can tell that Jeonghan probably did something while picking up the phone that made the audio cut and now Jisoo was yelling at the taller man. Hands on his hips and a full-on mommy expression of his face.

Jeonghan pouting like a little boy with his head down is the cherry on top and Soonyoung finds himself laughing till his cheeks hurt.

But that’s not even the best part of the call. It’s when Wonwoo carelessly leans on his shoulder while laughing like a madman at his brother.

It’s the pleasant weight on his shoulders that Wonwoo is generous enough to grace him with that makes the night wonderful.

Soonyoung cuts the call after a while when Jisoo texts him that Jeonghan got water into the speakers and now the audio doesn’t work anymore.

Woonwoo prides himself at his lack of pathetic emotions like jealousy. He’s not a petty guy after all.

He also likes to think that when he married Soonyoung it was merely to shut his aunt and uncle up with their constant reminders of his failed love life. After all, he didn’t have much to say about the matter after having failed in twelve relationships since high school and one failed marriage two years ago. And it’s not like he ever fell in love either so chances of falling in love with someone other than his husband after marriage were slim too, he figured.

So it’s only natural that he’s mad at himself for hating the way Soonyoung gets cozy with some guy in the canned fish aisle when he’s out shopping one Sunday evening.

He hates everything about the scene. From the way Soonyoung plays with the other man’s hands as they’re picking out groceries. To the way the man giggles and latches onto Soonyoung every time his husband tells a joke. He hates the familiar air with which the two men behave in each other’s presence as if they’ve been training to do so since birth. And Soonyoung smiles so easily in the man’s presence—in fact it’s the first that Wonwoo’s seen him smile since their marriage.

And more than anything, he hates the way they look so happy with each other.

Because he and Soonyoung are not happy. Especially when with each other.

But maybe he does get jealous and maybe he is a petty guy because he makes it’s obvious that he hates everything about their little moment together as he purposefully clears his throat ramming his shopping cart over Soonyoung’s poor pinky toe.

A cuss word stops at the tip of his tongue when Soonyoung looks up to see Wonwoo seething at him, a lone box of strawberries sitting in his cart.

“Won— Wonwoo?” Soonyoung manages to slip out. As if the mere fact that Wonwoo is capable of grocery shopping is a shock to him.

The ‘other man’ raises an eye at Wonwoo and does nothing to move away from Soonyoung’s side hug as he shoots him a Cheshire smile.

“And who’s Wonwoo?” He asks Soonyoung, who looks like those baboons on NatGeo when they’re shocked at amateur magic tricks. Wonwoo hates that look on him.

“Umm… Wonwoo! This is… this is Seokmin. And Dokyeom-ah this is…”

Wonwoo waits for Soonyoung to complete the sentence, but the hesitance makes his blood boil. He watches Soonyoung struggling to explain their relationship — as if Wonwoo is just some acquaintance who he doesn’t want to hurt by calling an acquaintance but doesn’t want to give the wrong idea by calling him a friend either.

The ‘other man’ snickers watching Soonyoung fumble around him words and send fervent glances between Wonwoo and himself. He cheekily shoves Soonyoung away and pushes a hand out for Wonwoo to shake.

“I’m Seokmin,” the ‘other man’ tells him. “Soonyoung’s business partner and college roommate slash the best friend.”

“I’m Wonwoo”, he easily takes the hand offered never looking away from his husband as he forces a smile. “Soonyoung’s life partner and current roommate slash the husband.”

The shock on his face is enough to tell Wonwoo that Seokmin clearly was never informed about their marriage. He can’t really pinpoint the location but a part of his heart breaks at the knowledge.

“Ah~” Seokmin awkwardly stares between the pair and moves away from Soonyoung’s grasp on his hips. Ruffling his hair as he sends a silent glare towards Soonyoung.

***

Wonwoo bites his lips when he sees Soonyoung trying to evade his eyes and heaves a sigh as he starts pushing his cart. “I still need to finish my shopping so… I’ll see you around, Mr Seokmin.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply and walks away with his cart and out of the convenience store altogether. He doesn’t have the strength to continue shipping, oddly enough.

When Soonyoung walks into their apartment that evening he doesn’t find Woonwoo in their bedroom or his study. He doesn’t check his own office because he knows that Wonwoo would never enter it without permission.

A dull ache settles in the back of his neck when he thinks back to their chance encounter in the convenice store just a few minutes ago. He goes into the kitchen to pour himself some water as he thinks back.

He had become tongue tied in front of Seokmin and Wonwoo when he saw him. And by the time he realised how wrong everything must’ve looked to him, Wonwoo had already left the store.

The dull ache turns into throbbing when Soonyoung realises that he doesn’t even know where Wonwoo might be and he doesn’t know of anyone who might. Last time he checked Wonwoo hadn’t made any friends ever since he moved into with him.

The blood in his cranium seems to rush with adrenaline as he quickly makes to leave the apartment again when he stops midway through the kitchen. A blue post it stuck to the refrigerator catches his eyes and a sigh that had been painfully lodged into his chest releases when he reads its contents.

Out for a walk. Dinner’s pizza; please order it yourself. (Didn’t feel like cooking).

His legs give away and he stumbles, walking out the kitchen. Cold sweat lines his forehead as he walks out the apartment.

For once, he knows where to find Wonwoo.

***

Soonyoung eyes the silhouette of a man in a maroon pullover, siting dejectedly on the swing set. Looking up at lord knows what. And smiles despite himself.

It’s eleven at night so there are no kids to send him dirty glares at the man for stealing away their swings and it’s dark enough to allow the moonlight to brighten the play area.

Soonyoung’s heaves a grateful sigh as he walks towards his husband in the swing and takes a seat in the one next to him.

Wonwoo acknowledges his presence with just a look and goes back to counting stars (or glaring at God. Soonyoung thinks it’s definitely the second one).

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Soonyoung is the one to break the silence.

“Did you have dinner yet?”

Wonwoo never looks away as he questions him back, “Seokmin used to be your ex-boyfriend right? Before Mingyu...”

Soonyoung bites his lips and turns to look at Wonwoo but his husband doesn’t ease his anxiety with eye contact. Instead, Wonwoo chooses to ignore Soonyoung’s discomfort.

“During high school. It was ages ago.” Soonyoung replies after several minutes that feel too thick to breathe.

“Just now… were you two…”

“No!” His husband is quick to refute the though and in the back of his mind Wonwoo is thankful for the swift denial. He hadn’t prepared himself for a confession of adultery. “We’re just… we’re just friends. I did date him years ago but it’s not like that anymore. He’s just… clingy.”

Wonwoo continues staring up at the sky and his lips tremble when he asks, “did you like him a lot?”

Soonyoung bites his lips at his question, Wonwoo can make out from the corner of his eyes. The guilt sits mockingly at the tip of his lips. “I used to. A lot, actually.”

“How come you didn’t marry him then?”

“Because… I don’t love him… like that.”

Wonwoo turns away from his admiration of the moon and whispers his next words but they sound like a cannon bolt to Soonyoung. “So do you love me like that?”

Soonyoung stares at the man in front of him. His eyes shining bright under the moonlight. There are freckles on his nose and his lips, though dry are plump enough to make his desire. And for the first time in six months. For the first time since their marriage. Soonyoung wishes he really was in love with Wonwoo.

Because the way the moonlight falls on the curve of his face. And the way Wonwoo’s dusky skin glistens with perspiration. And the way Wonwoo licks his lips, biting them as he lets the lower lip fall. Everything about Wonwoo in that moment is desirable and unattainable.

As it is, however, all he can respond with is, “no…” in an after thought he adds, “not yet…”

They continue to stare at each other. A soft breeze ruffles Wonwoo’s slightly long hair and every cell in Soonyoung’s body aches to just reach out and card his fingers through the jet black locks. But he refrains.

The moment breaks when Wonwoo starts speaking. For once, Soonyoung welcomes the distraction because it feels almost sinful to feel that way for Wonwoo.

Because they’re not in love. Because they’re married but not in love.

“Then why’d you marry me? Seokmin would’ve been a better choice if it was just about getting settled for you parents’ sake.”

“He has a boyfriend.” Soonyoung mumbles, pulling his gaze away. “They’ve been together for years.”

Wonwoo looks back at the sky, blinking away a tear he hopes Soonyoung doesn’t see (he does) and asks, “but why’d you marry me?”

Soonyoung ponders over the question for a while. Heaving a sigh as he continues staring at his feet. Not caring about the sand on his shoes as he thinks. Wonwoo patiently waits for him to reply. Giving him enough time to make up a lie. Anything to shut Wonwoo up.

But Soonyoung chooses not to lie. He has never lied to Wonwoo.

“Because my parents liked you.” Wonwoo turns to him again and this time it’s Soonyoung who’s looking away. He heaves a sigh and continues, “when I lost Mingyu… I didn’t think I could ever love again. My parents were scared for me. Josh was scared for me. I was… am… will always be broken beyond measure. But before our marriage I was near death. I wouldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. I was in and out of the hospital for days.”

Soonyoung looks back at Wonwoo and forces a smile on his face despite the tears choking him and whispers to him, “everyone thought I was incapable of falling in love again. At least on my own. They weren’t exactly wrong.”

“And I was the closest person who could replace Mingyu,” Wonwoo whispers back.

Soonyoung shakes his head and whispers, “no. You can’t replace Mingyu. You never will.”

Wonwoo searches Soonyoung’s eyes for any of the hesitation he had when introducing him to Seokmin but it's not there. He’s so sure of himself, so certain that Wonwoo will never be what Mingyu was for him, that all the strength in Wonwoo’s body leaves him.

It’s devastating. It’s devastating despite the fact that they’re not in love. It’s devastating because he likes Soonyoung. He doesn’t love him yet, but he likes him. Not a lot, but enough to be content with being married to the man.

It takes every strength in his body to speak but Wonwoo doesn’t let his voice waver when he does. “Good,” he mumbles. Letting the air ruffle his hair into his eyes so he has an excuse to push them away. “I shouldn’t.”

“You probably hate me for it though. Right?”

Wonwoo shakes his head at that and stands up from the swing. He walks toward his husband with a small smile and offers him his hand, pulling him up and Soonyoung takes it without much thought.

“Should I?”

“You should.”

Wonwoo mulls over his words as they start walking back. A silence settles between them that is far from comfortable but sure is inviting. Soonyoung is once again the one who breaks it as they enter the elevator.

“Have you had dinner?” he says, licking his lips in, what Wonwoo has learnt, is anxiety.

“Not yet.”