#carats

Mas antes que Joshua pudesse terminar sua frase, você sentiu uma outra presença chegar por trás de você, praticamente grudando o corpo no seu. Você reconheceria aquele cheiro em milhares de anos e quilômetros. Sabia quem era sem precisar olhar para trás.

— É, Joshua, eu também estou curioso para saber se você, meu querido primo, está dando em cima da minha namorada bem em cima do meu nariz. — Jeonghan falou de forma sarcástica, também tomando um gole do champanhe.

— Ex-namorada. — você ressaltou, caso ele tenha esquecido.

— Sim, pura formalidade. — ele te lançou um olhar debochado. — Agora, vamos deixar o Joshua terminar porque eu realmente quero saber.

— Olha, Jeonghan, não vamos fazer uma cena, tudo bem? Eu só estava conversando com ela, e dizendo umas verdades também, já que você quer tanto saber. — ele deu de ombros. — Depois, S/N, se você quiser, conversamos melhor sobre tudo isso.

Joshua foi se afastando.

— Ela não quer, mas obrigado por ser tão generoso. — Jeonghan falou alto para que o primo ouvisse. — Cuzão talarico.

Você suspirou por Jeonghan ter acabado com seu divertimento de forma tão abrupta. Obviamente, não tinha intenção nenhuma em sair com Joshua, apesar de ele ser muito bonito, mas você queria saber até onde ele iria. E também te distraiu de pensar em outras coisas, ou pessoas. Como essa ao seu lado.

— E você, hein? Iria deixar ele te cantar assim, bem na minha cara? — ele se apoiou em uma das pilastras de varanda e te encarou de forma séria.

— Olha, Jeonghan, acho que você perdeu o direito dessa respostas seis meses atrás. — foi a sua vez de encarar ele seriamente.

— Ah, não vem com essa! Não tenta fugir do assunto, você estava mesmo deixando ele dar em cima de você? — perguntou novamente.

— E se eu estivesse, Jeonghan? Que problema tem? Eu sou uma mulher solteira e posso flertar com o homem que eu quiser, quando eu quiser. — estava começando a ficar sem paciência porque ele tinha o dom de te tirar do sério.

— O que? Não pode não. — ele terminou o champanhe e deixou a taça cara em cima da mesa de doces.

— E por que não?

— Ué, porque eu não deixo. — ele respondeu de maneira simples. — Você não pode querer sair com outros caras só porque terminamos.

Você soltou uma risada irônica, por uma parte porque estava achando cômico e por outra porque sabia que Jeonghan não suportava quando outras pessoas eram irônicas com ele. Logo ele, o rei da ironia.

— Sabe, para alguém que é advogado, esse aí é o maior papo de cadeia que eu já ouvi. — você olhou ao redor e viu que alguns familiares do Jeonghan estavam olhando na direção dos dois. — E você está começando a chamar atenção das pessoas.

— Eu não me importo, mas já que você liga tanto para opinião alheia podemos ir lá para dentro. Vem. — ele não te deu opção de negar quando segurou levemente seu braço e te encaminhou para dentro da casa.

A casa dos pais do Jeonghan era enorme. Toda a família dele nadavam no dinheiro e por longas gerações. Jeonghan ainda possuía um quarto dele na casa. Um dos inúmeros outros espalhados pelo casarão.

— Achei que conversariamos na sala. Não me sinto confortável em estar no quarto com outro homem. — você fez questão de ficar bem perto da porta, para pode escapar caso quisesse fazer alguma besteira.

— Não tem problema se o tal homem for eu. — ele se encostou na mesa de computador, quase do outro lado da sala.

— Espero mesmo que você esteja sendo engraçadinho e não falando sério sobre isso. — revirou os olhos, sentindo seus nervos enlouquecendo pela rapidez em que tudo mudou, de calmaria controlada à beira de um descontrole.

— Claro que não estou brincando. — ele ficou sério novamente, te encarando de forma tão profunda com aqueles olhos escuros que você precisou fazer uma força heróica para não desviar.

— Ah, vai a merda cara. Você não pode e nem vai tentar controlar o que eu faço da minha vida. Não fazia quando namorávamos e não vai fazer agora que terminamos.

— Mas eu não quero mandar na sua vida, só não quero que você saia com outros caras. — ele deu de ombros, me olhando como se eu fosse uma idiota por não concordar com ele.

— Você acha que tem moral para falar isso? De verdade? — você já estava mais perto dele, sentindo-se dominar pela necessidade de explodir. — Logo você? Acha que eu não vi as fotos que o Mingyu postou? De vocês em uma boate com várias garotas ao redor?

Falar aquilo fez sua voz fraquejar, pois a lembrança do dia em que você viu aquelas fotos, e a sensação devastadora que sentiu por elas, ainda estava bastante viva em sua memória. Você tinha chorado a noite toda, sentindo seu coração ser despedaçado apenas por imaginar todas as coisas que provavelmente aconteceram ali.

— Nem me lembra da porra desse dia, foi um inferno. — ele passou as mãos pelo cabelo, de forma desesperada.

— Ah, coitadinho de você. Não comeu buceta suficiente naquele dia? — agora você estava partindo para o ataque, como modo de defesa.

Jeonghan soltou uma risada baixo, balançando a cabeça na direção do chão, como se ele tivesse acabado de ouvir a coisa mais absurda do mundo. Ele retirou uma das mãos do bolso da calça social e apertou a ponte do nariz.

— Sabe o que aconteceu naquela porra de dia? — você chegou mais perto dele, de braços cruzados para aguentar o que ele diria a seguir. — Eu realmente fui para aquela boate pra tentar me distrair um pouco de toda a merda que aconteceu entre a gente. Mas acontece que, enquanto eu olhasse para qualquer uma das meninas que estavam lá, eu só conseguia comparar elas com você, sua filha da mãe. Só conseguia pensar o quanto você é mais bonita, que a curva da sua boca é mais gostosa e que seu corpo vai muito além de enlouquecer o meu, coisa que nenhuma delas iria conseguir fazer. Você deve ter jogado uma praga em mim, porra. Só isso para justificar eu ter virado um passivo que aceita tudo o que você faz comigo, apenas porque não consigo me manter longe. Você com certeza deve ser feiticeira, caralho.

Você ficou sem reação com as coisas que ele falou, mas sentiu profundamente cada palavra que saiu da boca dele. Não sabia como reagir, pois claramente não havia sido uma enxurrada de elogios. Parecia mais como uma confissão.

— E o que você quer que eu faça com tudo isso? — sua voz saiu como um sussurro.

Jeonghan deu passos rápidos até você e segurou seu rosto com uma das mãos. A outra foi em direção a sua nuca, onde ele segurou seu cabelo de forma firme. Você engoliu em seco para manter-se de pé em meio do descontrole do seu corpo naquele exato momento.

— Quero dizer que você ganhou, sua filha da puta. — ele abaixou o rosto para que pudesse esfregar os lábios na sua mandíbula. — Você sabe o quanto eu sou competitivo e estava esperando que você voltasse primeiro. Mas já vi que não consigo competir com você, porra. Eu estou enlouquecendo.

— E foi justamente por isso que terminamos, Jeonghan. Nós somos iguais demais e uma hora isso iria pesar no nosso relacionamento. — você suspirou, pensando em como aquele assunto pesava em seus ombros. — Somos explosivos demais.

— Não vem com essa! Namoramos por quatro anos e deu super certo. — ele arregalou os olhos. — Tudo bem que discutimos algumas vezes, mas que casal não faz isso? Literalmente todos os casais brigam.

— Sim, eu sei, mas acho que nossas brigas não são saudáveis para o nosso relacionamento. Elas são sempre muito intensas. — você rebateu.

— Sim, são. Mas a gente sempre conseguiu resolver as coisas depois, e é isso que importa. — ele deu um passo para a sua direção, ficando mais perto. — Porra, não fala que esse é realmente nosso fim. Você não sabe como minha mente fica com a ideia de ter te perdido pra sempre.

Antes que você pudesse responder, Jeonghan segurou seu pescoço e atacou seus lábios de maneira faminta. O beijo era como os que vocês sempre trocavam depois de uma briga: ardente e feroz. Suas línguas já travavam uma enorme batalha e as mãos dele apertavam seu corpo como se ele tivesse medo de que você fosse desaparecer de repente.

Jeonghan não perdeu tempo em te erguer e te colocar em cima da mesa do computador, derrubando qualquer coisa que estava por ali. Ele se encaixou no meio das suas pernas e puxou seu corpo para mais perto dele, para que dessa forma não houvesse qualquer espaço entre vocês. Ele desceu a boca por seu pescoço, não perdendo tempo em sugar com força aquela área, fazendo você soltar um som que era para ser de repreensão, mas se assimilou muito com um gemido de prazer. Ele sabia que você não gostava quando ele te deixava marcada, mas fazia justamente para te irritar. Jeonghan não mudaria nunca.

As mãos dele foram parar nas alças do seu vestido, puxando-as para baixo de uma só vez, expondo seus seios para que pudessem ficar à disposição dele.

— Jeonghan…— você soltou quando ele segurou seus seios de maneira firme. Sexo com ele nunca tinha sido calmo ou fofo demais, vocês dois eram sedentos demais e sempre se entregavam a energia sexual de forma completa. Você jamais conseguiria encontrar alguém tão compatível na cama como ele era.

— Você vai voltar pra mim né? — ele perguntou, descendo a boca para um dos seus seios, chupando de maneira diabólica enquanto te encarava. — Ou eu vou ter que te fuder tão forte que minha família inteira vai ouvir você dizendo que sim?!

— Se você fizer isso eu te mato! — você apertou os cabelos dele, tentando não deixar transparecer o quanto aquela ideia parecia mesmo boa para você.

— Então responda, amor. — ele disse, enfiando a mão pelo meio das suas pernas até chegar na sua buceta, acariciando lentamente aquela parte pulsante. — Responde ou eu vou parar e a gente vai descer para a festa, fingindo que você não está pingando de tesão por mim.

Você não queria ceder, mas precisava escolher quais guerras valia a pena lutar.

— Tudo bem, eu volto com você! Agora continua. — você segurou a mão dele com firmeza, fazendo com que ele voltasse a circular os dedos por lá.

— Porra, você é tão mandona, odeio isso. — ele mordeu seu ombro com força. — Mas tenho que aguentar porque te amo muito mais.

Jeonghan te ergueu da mesa e te levou até a cama, jogando seu corpo lá. Ele estava se despindo das roupas bem na sua frente, sem muita pressa, enquanto te encarava daquela forma intensa que fazia com que seus olhos ficassem grudados nele. Você não cansava de repetir em sua mente o quanto você amava esse cara e não conseguia parar de pensar no quanto foi difícil ficar longe dele por tanto tempo. Esperava que nunca mais tivesse que passar por aquilo.

— Eu também amo você.

— Então você vai ter que mostrar o quanto me ama, aqui nessa cama, enquanto minha família está lá embaixo curtindo a festa. — Jeonghan subiu seu vestido, deixando na altura do quadril, seu corpo estava praticamente todo à mostra. — Com certeza eles devem estar se perguntando o que estamos fazendo, provavelmente achando que estamos discutindo. Mal sabem eles que nossas discussões sempre acabam comigo te fodendo com força.

Ele abriu suas pernas e não te deu tempo de dizer nada em respostas quando desceu a boca em sua buceta, beijando toda a parte dela como se ali estivesse o doce favorito dele. Você segurava os lençois com força, fazendo de tudo para não gritar enquanto era levada à loucura., porém não conseguiu segurar muito quando a língua do Jeonghan começou a entrar e sair de dentro de você lentamente, como se estivesse te torturando. E, conhecendo seu namorado, sabia que provavelmente ele estava mesmo fazendo isso. E estava amando fazer isso.

— Caralho. — o grito saiu da sua boca, e suas mãos seguravam com força os cabelos castanhos deles.

— Se gritar um pouquinho mais alto, com certeza eles vão ouvir. — ele mordeu o interior da sua coxa e foi subindo os beijos, roçando a ereção dele em você assim que se ocupou com seus seios. — Sou alucinado por todo seu corpo, amor. Você é a filha da puta mais gostosa desse mundo.

— Jeonghan, estou com saudades… — você não precisava explicar, pois ele entenderia tudo o que você não estava dizendo.

Ele soltou uma risada fofa, e isso simplesmente acabava com você. As pessoas geralmente se confundiam quando o assunto era o Jeonghan, na maioria das vezes elas o liam de maneira errada. Por ter um rosto angelical, um sorriso doce e olhar meigo, achavam que ele era um anjo na terra, quando na verdade, ele era o caos em forma de pessoa. Estava sempre por trás de todas as brigas entre seus amigos, era competitivo ao extremo e estava sempre pronto para ser debochado e irônico em qualquer situação. Ele não te tratava como uma princesa meiga, com doçura. Ele mostrava que te amava de outros jeitos: com perturbações, leves puxões de cabelo, tapa na bunda e presentes caros do absolutamente nada.

Por isso que, assim que soltou a risada, ele fez questão de separar bem sua perna, pois sabia do que você estava falando.

— Eu sei disso. Meu pau tá quase explodindo de saudades também. — ele beijou seus lábios antes de retirar a cueca. — Podemos ficar brincadeirinhas depois. Agora eu só preciso me enterrar dentro de você ou acho que realmente vou perder o controle.

Dito isso, ele se enfiou dentro de você, de uma só vez e sem muita cerimônia. Do jeito que você gostava. Suas costas arquearam de uma maneira quase inumana e o grito ficou preso na sua garganta pela tensão. A cama balançava e fazia um enorme barulho pela força que vocês estavam se movendo em cima dela. Jeonghan enfiava rápido e parava quando estava bem lá no fundo, tudo isso mantendo os olhos na parte dos seus corpos em que vocês se uniam. Como se isso fosse a coisa mais bonita que ele poderia ver.

— Nossa… meu deus… — você começou a mexer seu quadril, sabendo que esse era um dos movimentos que Jeonghan mais gostava.

Dito e feito, ele foi perdendo ainda mais o controle e desceu o corpo sobre o seu, fazendo com que as peles, agora suadas, grudassem uma na outra. Ele estava gemendo baixinho ao pé do seu ouvido, falando safadezas que você sequer conseguia se concentrar para identificar. Tudo isso enquanto dava mordidas em sua pele toda vez que ele chegava bem no seu fundo.

— Hoje eu te engravido, porra. — ele te beijou com força, segurando seu cabelo ao ponto de fazer seu pescoço arquear. — Vou te colocar um filho, caralho.

— Por favor, faz isso! — você sequer sabia com o que estava concordando, mas não importava nem um pouco porque as sensações eram boas demais para você se prender a qualquer outra coisa. — Me engravida!

Jeonghan apertou suas coxas com ainda mais firmeza e sua cabeça começou a bater na cabeceira na cama com a força que o homem estava fodendo você. Para alguém magro como ele, Jeonghan se transformava quando vocês transavam.

— Caralho, não vou aguentar muito tempo se você continuar falando essas coisas. — ele apertou seus seios com força. — Você sabe o quanto fantasio com você cheinha de um filho meu.

— Então me enche de porra e realiza essa fantasia. — você implorou.

E aquilo foi o suficiente para fazer com que Jeonghan perdesse o restante do controle que ainda tinha, te fodendo da maneira mais louca, do jeito que vocês dois gostavam. E aquele momento se estendeu por mais alguns outros. Com vocês mudando o cenário por qualquer outro que pudesse ser feito de apoio dentro daquele quarto…

(...)

— Jeonghan? Filho? Você viu a S/N? — você ouviu a mãe do Jeonghan chamar do outro lado da porta. — Faz um bom tempo que eu não vi ela e o Joshua disse que a última vez que a viu foi com você. Espero que você não tenha feito ela chorar de novo! Eu acabo com você.

Você estava deitada na cama, enrolada nos lençois e com a cabeça encostada no peito do Jeonghan, que traçava linhas invisíveis por sua pele em um carinho gostoso do qual você apreciava bastante.

— Com certeza te fiz chorar, né amor? — ele sussurrou em seu ouvido.

— Shh! Responde ela logo, deve estar realmente preocupada. — tentou falar sério sem permitir que soltasse a risada.

— Mãe, ela está bem. Muito mais que bem, então não precisa se preocupar. — ele gritou para a mãe.

Sua, agora sogra novamente, ficou em silêncio por um instante antes de voltar com as perguntas.

— Ela está aí dentro? Vocês estão brigando? — ela perguntou.

— Sim e não, mãe! Está tudo bem, estamos bem. Pode ir lá voltar para a sua festa que daqui a pouco eu levo a gostosa da sua nora lá embaixo para vocês fofocarem. — ele piscou em sua direção.

— Nora?! Então quer dizer que vocês voltaram? — ela parecia radiante de alegria agora. — Isso quer dizer que eu ainda posso ter netinhos bonitos? Ah, graças a Deus!

Você soltou uma risada alta, sem conseguir controlar, sendo seguida pela risada do homem deitado ao seu lado.

— Sim, mãe! E pode deixar, já estou providenciando os netos que você tanto pede! — ele puxou você para cima dele novamente. — Inclusive, estou trabalhando muito nisso.

you stared at the screen, heart stumbling in your chest.

“please... if you ever read this, just let us know you're okay.”

simple. soft. almost too careful. and somehow, it shattered your breath in your lungs.

it didn’t say "come back." it didn’t demand forgiveness. it didn’t pretend like everything was fine.

just… are you okay.

a second ding snapped you out of your thoughts.

slowly, you unlocked your phone and the same message reappeared.

your thumb hovered over the reply box. the cursor blinked expectantly, a small, pulsing invitation. your fingers trembled. you didn’t know what to say. how to answer. how to unravel the storm of emotion that churned beneath your ribs.

you had spent weeks burying the ache. painting over your grief with quiet routines and solitude. the first night alone, you didn’t sleep. the second night, you cried so hard you thought the walls would crack. by the fifth, your tears ran dry—but your heart stayed heavy.

and still, you stayed away.

you remembered the exact words thrown at you like knives. remembered how they didn’t flinch when you begged to be heard. remembered walking out with your dignity fraying, wondering if any of them would run after you.

none did.

you told yourself that was the end. that you had to move on. you filled your days with meaningless errands, sat alone in cafes where no one knew your name, stared at your reflection until you couldn’t recognize the girl who once stood on stage beside thirteen boys who promised you forever. but no matter how far you tried to run from that night, the memories lingered like bruises beneath your skin.

and yet... here was this message. not a grand gesture. not an apology.

a thread.

a whisper in the dark.

your thumb moved instinctively. maybe to type. maybe to block. maybe to finally scream everything you never got to say. but your chest tightened. your breath caught. your vision blurred.

you couldn’t answer. not yet.

forgiveness wasn’t easy. and love—once shattered—didn’t always come back whole. sometimes it returned cracked and tender, quieter than before, needing time to find its shape again. you closed your eyes, pressing the phone to your chest, as if you could absorb their remorse through the glass. the silence pressed in. your tea remained cold.

but there was something else now.

a seed. not quite hope. not yet forgiveness. just... a crack in the door. and yet, you smiled. faint, small, weak, but it was a smile. your lips curved upwards, your eyes twitched, and you smiled. you smiled.

and maybe a smile was all it took to change everything.

as it seems fate must have seen your smile, everything that unfolded the next few days went past in a blink of an eye.

it started small.

a box at your door. no name, no label—just a small, careful thing wrapped in brown paper and string. inside, a tiny fox plush you thought you’d lost forever. the one you used to carry on every tour stop, tucked safely into your bag. the one you clutched in your dorm bed during hard nights when the noise of the world grew too sharp. the one you left behind in your rush to escape the silence.

its fur was ragged. its eye was a little crooked, sewn back on with mismatched thread. but it was there. home. taped to its ear was a note. just three words, scrawled in a handwriting you knew by heart.

"we kept it."

you stared at it for hours, fingers curling tightly around its small body, the thread catching on your skin like memory. you didn’t cry. not yet. but the ache in your chest shifted. just a little.

two days later, your name trended. not for scandal. not for speculation. not for the usual rumors that followed silence. but for a song. seventeen had released a new track—no teasers, no schedule. just lyrics. and those lyrics were for you. you.

not directly. not by name. but in the way they sang about missing pieces. about empty spaces no light could fill. about the sound of laughter that no longer echoed in the corners of their home.

“we counted stars and missed one. the one we let fall.”

“we built a stage, but without you, it echoes.”

“sorry doesn’t rewind time—but if it could, we’d have shouted your name louder than our pride.”

the bridge was seungcheol’s voice—raw, hoarse, frayed with the weight of words too long unspoken.

“we thought silence would keep the peace. but we let it bury you.”

and when the chorus hit, something in you cracked. not like a break. more like the sound of a door finally creaking open after being shut too long. this wasn’t for image. this wasn’t to win anyone back. it was a confession laid bare, trembling on a melody. they didn’t stop.

little things. quiet things. deliberate things.

a delivery of banana milk—your favorite brand, always hard to find—arrived at your door, with a sticky note clumsily written in pink pen: don’t forget to eat, shortie <3 you knew that handwriting. woozi. though he’d never admit the heart was his.

then came a hoodie. yours. worn, familiar. it smelled faintly like jun’s cologne and the detergent from the dorm. something tucked into the pocket. a usb drive. you hesitated. then you remembered your smile from just a few days back. you missed smiling like that with them. you missed the pillow fights, the binge watching of kdramas at midnight (where you and seungkwan cried together every time), you missed the dorm chaos, the late night convenience store runs for instant noodles and hoshi's very important jongga kimchi, you missed the many hours of non-stop practicing and falling on your backs, exhausted when you were done but seventeen always encouraging you, you missed singing in woozi's recording studio, and yet most of all, you didn't want to admit it, but you missed them. without a second's thought, you plugged it in. your hands trembled.

it was a video.

no makeup. no glamour. no edits. just the thirteen boys you once called family, huddled in the messy dorm living room. no script. just heart. seungkwan was the first to speak.

“hi, y/n. if you’re watching this… i guess you didn’t block us. yet.” he tried to smile, but his lips trembled. “that’s… already more than we deserve.” he stepped aside, and the others took turns—raw, breaking, real.

jeonghan didn’t smile for once. his voice shook. “i was cruel. i acted like you were a burden. but it was me. i couldn’t admit how much i needed you. so i hurt you first. that’s cowardice. i know. and i’m sorry.”

mingyu looked like he hadn’t slept in days. dark circles, red-rimmed eyes. “you begged us to listen. and i… i stayed quiet. i thought it’d blow over. that you’d come back on your own. but you didn’t. because we broke something. and we’re the ones who need to fix it. not you.”

vernon didn’t say much. he sat in the back, silent tears tracing paths down his cheeks. his voice was quiet, almost inaudible. “i miss you every day. and god i'm sorry. for everything i said, i know my words hit you the hardest and i'd regret them every day for the rest of my life.”

joshua spoke gently, his voice a hushed apology. “i used to call you my little sister. but i wasn’t the brother you needed. i saw you slipping. i knew you were breaking. and i looked away.” his voice broke. “i failed you. i’m so sorry.”

dk had drawn something—a crumpled comic of you and the group, stick figures with exaggerated smiles and sparkles. at the bottom, it read: we’ll wait. even if it takes forever, because forever is the 14 of us. hoshi didn’t speak much. just held up a sign. you’re our 14th. you will and have always been. nothing changes that.

the camera panned. seokmin was crying silently, holding a tissue to his nose. even wonwoo—stoic, usually unreadable—was blinking fast, jaw clenched like he was holding back a sob. minghao’s voice, usually sharp and precise, came softer this time. “i thought i was being honest. but honesty without empathy is just… sharp edges. i was so focused on being right, i forgot what it meant to be kind. i forgot you. i’m so sorry.” then it was seungcheol again. he sat at the front, hands clasped tightly in his lap.

“no excuses,” he said. “no begging. just… if you still have space for us—any space—we’ll fill it with love this time. the kind that listens. that stays. that protects.” his voice cracked. “we’ll never be whole without you. but we don’t expect you to come back to broken promises. so this time, we’ll earn it. we'll wait, as long as eternity takes because fate will always bring us together, all fourteen of us, fate will lead the way back home.”

you didn’t reply. not right away.

but you watched that video three times a day.

you slept with the fox plush again. you cried into your pillow until your chest ached from the effort. you whispered their names like prayers, like scars, like lullabies. you missed them. you missed them. you missed seventeen.

and suddenly, one day, you showed up.

no warning. no message.

just the quiet sound of your footsteps outside the dorm, your hand hesitating on the door handle. your stomach lurched and hurled, your heartrate increasing rapidly. you could hear the blasting of music inside and the laughs that didn't quite resonate with you. those laughs weren't their laughs. you could imagine and picture how they smiled, but their smiles never really reached as high as usual. you breathed, and you pressed down the door handle. when you opened it, the music stopped. bodies froze. thirteen pairs of eyes turned toward you. the silence was deafening.

the dorm was dim, soft yellow light flickering against the walls, casting long shadows that felt more comforting than eerie. the quiet hum of the heater filled the space between heartbeats. no one spoke for a while—not out of awkwardness, but reverence. like they were sitting in the presence of something sacred.

you found your way back home.

you were back home.

you were home.

home.

you stood there, arms wrapped around yourself, heart thundering. and for a moment, no one moved. then seungcheol stepped forward, slow, cautious, like you were a dream he was afraid to touch. he didn’t reach out. didn’t overwhelm you. just looked you in the eyes. “don’t say anything if you’re not ready,” he whispered. “we won’t mess this up again. just… let us show you. let us try.”

and you broke.

not in anger. not in bitterness.

you folded.

you wept.

and they ran to you.

seungcheol was the first to break the silence, voice low, heavy.

“i rehearsed this a hundred times in my head,” he said, hands folded tightly in his lap. “and every time, i thought it wouldn’t matter. that maybe… we were too late. i led us. i’m supposed to protect us. and i failed you. i let the room turn against you, let the air grow too heavy for you to breathe. i thought if i kept quiet, if i stayed neutral, i could keep the peace. but silence was the wound. you didn’t need me to be neutral. you needed me to fight for you.” he looked down, knuckles white. “i’m sorry. i’ll never choose peace over you again.”

jeonghan leaned back against the couch, eyes fixed on the ceiling like he couldn’t bear to look at you directly. “you were always the softest of us. so easy to tease. i thought it was harmless—jokes, sarcasm, a little push here and there. but i crossed lines. i saw the cracks and kept poking anyway, because i didn’t want to deal with my own guilt. when you left, it felt like karma. and it hurt. because i finally saw how much you gave us, and how little we gave back. i’m sorry i didn’t protect your heart.”

joshua reached for your hand gently, like he was asking for permission just to hold it, and you let him. “i always said i’d be your big brother. but i wasn’t. i saw how tired you were, how much you wanted to be heard, and i did nothing. i thought… maybe you’d tell someone else. maybe it wasn’t my place. but i knew. and i didn’t act. and that’s worse than ignorance, isn’t it? i love you. we all do. and you deserved every ounce of that love when it would’ve mattered most.”

jun’s voice was quiet, but steady. “you made us laugh. even on days we didn’t deserve to smile. you stood beside us, even when we made you feel like you stood alone. and that’s what kills me. i let you feel alone. you were never a guest in this group. you were one of us. my family. my sister. and it breaks something in me to know you didn’t feel that. i’ll spend the rest of our days showing you differently.”

hoshi sat forward, elbows on his knees, heart in his throat. “i’m the mood maker, right? the sunshine. but when you needed light, i was somewhere else. i brushed off your pain. called it a bad day. told you to just cheer up. but you weren’t being dramatic. you were drowning. and i didn’t throw the rope. i let my brightness blind me. i’m so, so sorry.”

wonwoo cleared his throat, eyes fixed on the floor. “i don’t talk much. that’s not new. but with you, i thought you could feel my care, even in the quiet. turns out, silence doesn’t always equal comfort. sometimes, it’s just emptiness. i should’ve said something. anything. stood up. said, ‘hey, she’s hurting. why aren’t we listening?’ but i didn’t. and that silence, it haunts me.”

woozi was next. his voice, usually sharp and purposeful, cracked on the first syllable. “i pride myself on my words. on knowing how to say things in songs when i can’t in real life. but i had no lyrics for you. no defense. i failed you as a producer, as a member, as a brother. you were hurting right in front of me, and i just… turned it into fuel for another track instead of holding your hand. i don’t want to write about you in past tense anymore. i want you here. and i’ll work every day to earn that.”

minghao leaned forward, gaze intense but gentle. “i thought i was being fair. critical. honest. but my honesty cut too deep. i wanted you to grow, but not like that. not at the cost of your spirit. i forgot that growth without care is just cruelty. and i know now… i wasn’t helping. i was hurting you, and calling it ‘tough love.’ that’s not love. and i see that now. i want to be better. for you. for all of us.”

mingyu’s hands shook a little as he spoke. “i’m supposed to be the warm one. the one who notices when someone’s quiet, who cheers people up. but i didn’t notice you were breaking. i was too focused on my own stress, my own tunnel vision. and i took your strength for granted. thought you’d always bounce back. but you weren’t okay. and i didn’t see it until you were gone. i’m sorry. i missed you so much it hurt.”

dokyeom’s voice was thick with emotion, his eyes already red. “every time i laughed after you left, it felt wrong. like something sacred was missing. you were our harmony. our balance. our smile. and i didn’t defend you when the room turned cold. i should’ve shouted. should’ve cried. should’ve done something. but all i did was smile like everything was fine. and when you left, i realized… my smile was hollow without you.”

seungkwan didn’t try to hide his tears. “i was so mad at you. not because you left. but because i couldn’t stop you. because it hurt so much to watch you walk out and not chase after you. i was scared. scared that if i ran after you, you’d say goodbye to my face. and i couldn’t handle that. so i said nothing. and every day since, i wished i had done anything. screamed. cried. begged. something. because now all i have is regret.”

vernon was quiet, then said softly: “i didn’t know how to help you. i never know what to say when things go bad. but i saw you. i noticed when your smiles didn’t reach your eyes. i noticed when you stayed behind after practice. and i noticed… when the light in you started to flicker. and i just watched. i’m sorry i didn’t speak up. you deserved someone louder.”

dino reached for your hand last, eyes wide and brimming. “i always looked up to you. you made me feel like i wasn’t the only one who had to prove something. we were the youngest. we got each other. and i let you down. i thought if i stayed quiet, they’d stop fighting. but my silence made them think it was okay. i miss you so much. please let us try again. please let me stand with you this time.”

you looked around the room—at the broken boys who had once let you walk out without a word. and now, they were here, laying their hearts bare on the floor, asking for another chance not through performance or apology—but through vulnerability. your voice shook when you finally answered.

“it’s not perfect. i’m still healing. but… i believe you.”

the relief that washed over them was silent, like a storm breaking.

you were home.

and this time, they’d never let you feel alone in it again. they slowly huddle together, forming a circle around you, and then cheol asked, his voice shaky, "may we hug you?"

you didn't answer, yet your open arms gave them a good enough answer to absolutely give you the most tight-squeezing, suffocating hug you've ever been hugged your whole life. it wasn't to smother you, it wasn't to fix it in one hug. but to hold you. to cradle every piece of you that fractured that night. to apologize with every trembling breath.

dino clung to you, his body trembling. “i thought you hated me,” he sobbed. “i thought we lost you forever.” you cupped his face, tears streaking your cheeks. “you didn’t lose me,” you whispered. “i just needed time to find myself again.”

joshua stood behind him, eyes red. “can we… start over?” you smiled through your tears, voice shaking. “no. let’s pick up where we left off. but better.”

that night, the dorm felt like home again. laughter returned—cautious, softer, but real. you all sat in a circle. takeout containers half-eaten. hands tangled in yours. hoshi placed a paper crown on your head.

“for our princess,” he grinned. “the 14th star.” you laughed. really laughed. and so did they. their real laughs this time.

and something in you began to mend. they didn’t pretend everything was perfect. they didn’t rush your healing. but they stayed. they listened. they learned how to love you the right way.

and finally, for the first time in what felt like forever…

After the boys are done catching 2 fish, your boys rushed to show you.

“Now we eat them” jeonghan says

Horror spread across the 4 year old boys face. He immediately starts whining as jeonghan laughs.

“We can’t eat them, theyre our friends!” The little one yells at his dad.

“Tell him!” He also yells at you to defend him as he cries.

“What do we eat then now? Aren’t you hungry?” Jeonghan asks him touching his sons belly.

“No!” The baby says with every conviction in him.

“What do we do with these fish?”

“Take them back home and raise them”

“They’re already dead”

This earns your husband a playful smack to his arm. “Don’t say that” as both of you try to stifle giggles.

→Hong Joshua

“Happy Birthday Dojoonie” your husband, Joshua, wishes his elder son who turned 6 today.

Little did he know, he had a Surprise waiting for him outside in the yard.

"We have a surprise waiting for you outside" you tell him and his little legs rush to take him to the front yard.

"No way" He screams in excitement.

It was a toy car that he could drive.

"Hey, Hey, mister, safe driving only" you say as he gets on the car.

He drives exactly like Joshua. You giggle at that. "He has the same driving face as you" you say to Joshua looking at your son driving away.

"I don't have a driving face" he defends.

"You do!" and you mimic the face he makes while he concentrates on driving.

"He's learning everything from me" Joshua exclaims.

"Im glad, you're a wonderful man Joshua"

"Thank you for saying that, darling" he says wrapping his hand around your torso while you look at your son not braking in time and crashing.

"And thats a crash" you say and both of you rush to him to do damage control.

→Wen JunHui

"It won't hurt, I promise"

Your son is wailing and hiccuping through his sobs, he is terrified of his tooth falling. It's his first milk tooth and that tooth has been dangling for 2 weeks now.

He has a birthday party to attend and he wants to eat everything and anything but the tooth won't let him. So Jun came up with a solid idea of pulling it out himself. As much as I am against it, you kid really wants it taken out but is also scared of it.

"See, we're going to tie this tooth to this floss and the other end to the door handle okay? then you can push the door shut when you're ready, the tooth will fall out" your husband calmly explains.

The boy looks terrified.

"It won't hurt, promise" he says.

Your son holds your hand tight as Jun ties the floss to the door.

"3" his grip on your hand tightens.

"2" his jaw clenches.

"1"

your son kicks the door and the tooth comes out in one swift motion. Your son is ecstatic as he rushed to your side to hug you.

"I did it mama"

"You did, my sweet boy, now you can eat all the hard candies you want at Dojoon's birthday!" you say and he smiles at you front tooth missing, You giggle at his missing tooth.

"What about daddy, I did all the heavy lifting" Jun sulks.

→Kwon Hoshi

Your son jiho has been climbing everything he can reach, he's at that age where his feet are faster than his body. This time he was climbing the kitchen counter making steps out of the drawers. Its dangerous.

"soonyoung, he's been climbing everything, we need to change in child safety on the drawers, it's all broken now"

"I'll get them on the way back from work tomorrow"

Soonyoung sits in front of Jiho with a tiger soft toy, Jiho's favourite.

Soonyoung pretends to voice the tiger and starts talking to jiho.

"Jiho, its me, your favourite tiger, your dad can't hear us"

This snaps Jiho's attention to the tiger. He smiles at the tiger and says the cutest hi.

"Your dad told me you've been climbing chairs and drawers, you shouldn't do that, it is dangerous"

"dangers?"

"yes, dangerous, you could fall and give yourself a ouchie then the doctor will give you an injection"

"no injection"

"You shouldn't climb"

"I'll go now" soonyoung says to jiho in the tiger voice.

"Tiger told me not to climb" he tells his dad immediately.

"It speaks?"

"Only I can hear him, he's my best friend that's why"

"Is that so?"

"Yes"

→Jeon Wonwoo

"Daddy its torn, its torn" your 4 year old comes to you and your husband in the living room talking about his day.

"What's torn honey?" you ask looking down at her. Your daughter holds up Ms. Kiki.

Your sweet sweet baby girl, Min ju, had this one teddy bear she carried around everywhere. Ms. Kiki. It was her emotional support soft toy. She'd bring it to trips, to restaurants and even to the doctors, where she needed it the most.

"Ms. Kiki" she was bawling her eyes out. Wonwoo takes her in his lap. You inspect the tear, it was just a tear on the stitch, a few hand stitches should do the trick.

"Can I do it after I come back?" you had to head out to a meeting in some time.

she starts to whine a little again.

"Daddy will do it" wonwoo chimes and she becomes happy again.

"Ill fetch you the sewing kit, just stitch it here," you tell him showing him where.

The father daughter duo sit side by side, as Minju waits for her dad to sew it slowly.

he pricks himself with the needle the first try and hisses.

"Does it hurt daddy?" Min ju asks.

"Not it doesn't its a pinch" he says and continues sewing while you change into your work clothes.

"After 5 minutes he was done. "Tada!" wonwoo holds up the bear to minju, she was ecstatic.

You were ready to go and stopped by wonwoo to see what he did, and he did a pretty good job.

"Good job!" you praise him.

"Daddy is the bear doctor"

"Bear doctor sounds like a great title"

→Lee Jihoon

You had come to visit Woozi's studio with your 3 year old Daughter Jia, Jihoon wanted to show her his new studio with a lot of lights, he thought the baby would enjoy it.

The light projecting stars and colourful galaxies, he called it the universe factory. Quite a cute name. He was the hottest looking man when he was in his studio focusing and working. One of the reasons you fell for him.

"So? How do you like it?" he asks.

"It looks beautiful, it's so pretty" looking up in wonder.

Your baby, Jia also is looking up adoring the roof and pointing to the stars she sees.

"Stars!"

"So pretty" your child mumbles.

Your daughter now was in his lap, pushing all buttons possible and some beats and sound start to come out of the speakers. Almost like she was making music herself.

"She seems like a natural" he says to her and takes her off the keys before she deletes important files.

"A few years, she'll come for your job Mr. producer"

→Lee Dokyeom

"It's mommy birthday so we're going to bake a cake, but you have to promise me princess you're not going to eat the cake before that" Dokyeom sternly but the 2 year old babbling baby only looks up to see her boba eyes staring at him.

"You're too cute to scold" he says and starts making the cake.

Midway through the icing, Dokyeom was too focus on making the icing, he didn't realise the other side of the icing on the cake was getting eaten, little by little.

Your daughter's little fingers had swiped away at the icing one by one making a big icing mine in the cake. The back of the cake was eaten and ruined, but Dokyeom could not get angry at her. She looked too cute with icing all over her face.

"Here's a strawberry" Dokyeom tells her and hands her a strawberry to eat while he tries to save the cake.

"Finally done, you think mom would like it?" Dokyeom holds the cake to his toddler. "mmh" she hums to the strawberry she had in hand.

You had just returned from a long day of work, all you wanted was to cuddle your two main babies and go to sleep.

You come back to a dark living room and a startling noise.

"Surprise! Happy Birthday Baby!" Dokyeom says with your precious daughter in his arms and a strawberry cake.

"What's with the cake?" you ask looking up at him, then realising your little princess probably ate while making it.

Her hands held a half eaten strawberry as you take her from your husband and shower her with kisses.

"What about me!" Dokyeom sulks and you shower him with kisses too.

"Best Birthday ever"

→Kim Mingyu

Bora haas been wanting a make up set like you have for ages. Mingyu promised to get her a kids make up set on the way back from work today, and he did.

Bora was so excited she started to jump around the living room.

It was a cute toy, with a mirror and brushes and everything. You just hoped it's goes okay on her skin and doesn't damage it.

"Thank you! Thank you!" her little frame hugs Mingyu.

She opens the kit and gets everything out.

"Appa, do you want to be the first customer of my salon?" she says.

He pretends to be a customer. "Hello, I would like a make over please" he says in a fake customer voice that makes your daughter giggle.

She happily obliges and puts this towel in his collar for his shirt. Quite thoughtful.

Bora roughly brushes over his face with some powder from the kit, being careful with it ends up going into mingyu's mouth and he blows raspberries to get it out.

"What kind of a salon is this?" he says giggling. Bora only laughs.

She finishes her masterpiece with a lipstick on her dad's face. a little over drawn but cute nevertheless.

"Tada!" she says as she holds up the mirror to his face.

"Do you feel beautiful daddy?"

"I feel so beautiful baby" he says and Bora runs to her room to bring one of her play wigs to put on her dad's head.

It was a golden bright wig with pigtails to complete the look.

You sneakily take a picture on your phone as you laugh.

Bora laughs too. "Daddy you look like a clown"

This comment makes you laugh even more coming from your daughter.

"Let's go mommy next!" Mingyu suggests with playful evil eyes and you almost run away before mingyu could catch you.

→Xu Minghao

"Daddy, it's tea time, cmon! cmon!" your younger daughter grabs your husbands hand and drags him to her room.

"Why am I not invited?" you pout.

"it's only for daddy"

She's seen Minghao do his tea ceremony often. He stopped a while before, but once your daughter was born, Minghao and your daughter started play dates where they would pretend to drink tea, you found it cute.

"How is daycare?"

"No one likes to play tea party" she complains as you watch this interaction.

The little girl pours the 'tea' its just water, into the her father's cup and her cup.

"Why?"

"I'm not sure, but I have you to play with me"

"You do, I'll play tea party with you all day" Minghao says picking up the cup and putting it to his lips.

"Appa, stick your little finger out, like this" she says and demonstrates.

"Ah yes, how can I forget" he says and does as told.

Your daughter really had him wrapped around her little finger. It was adorable to watch.

→Boo Seungkwan

"Stand here and shoot" seungkwan tells your 7 yer old son.

You were at the basketball court where seungkwan was teaching your son, Channie.

"Shoot, don't get on your toes" he yells at him from the sideline.

He finally makes a score and you cheer. Seungkwan looks very satisfied with himself.

"Let's do a mother son vs dad" you suggest and run into the court to start a match.

"Oh its on"

You jump on seungkwans back while his guard is down and, it becomes difficult for him to steal the ball from Chan and Chan scores. You put both your hands up in the air in celebration.

"Your dad's not that great at this after all" you say sassily to your husband kissing his cheek from the back.

"we'll see, we'll see, get off me! no cheating this time" he warns with a playful smile.

"We'll try"

This time you decide to take both his hands in yours and literally pull him away from the court while your son attempts to score. He misses twice and Seungkwan pretends to escape to save the ball.

Chan finally scores and seungkwan doesn't let your hand go though.

"We won!" you exclaim in your husbands face.

"Come here sneaky" he says wrapping his hands around your waist, not letting you go.

"You're not going to score this time" he says and throws you over his shoulder and grabs your son by the torso holding him with his arm.

It was all laughs and giggles.

→Choi Vernon

"AAH" you hear a shriek coming from the living room. It was your husband Vernon, running to the bedroom to you.

"There's a bug on the wall, bug on the wall"

You can deal with smaller bugs, so you walk out confidently, assuming it's a smaller bug, but it was indeed a big bug.

Your 4 year old Derek, had come out of his room hearing the shriek.

"It's a bug?" he asks, while you hold a container to catch the bug and Vernon hiding behind you, neither of you taking any action to actually catch the bug.

"Derek will catch it for you" your son says in third person and bravely goes to the bug, climbing the couch to for his little hands to get to it.

"Are you sure he's my son?"

"What do you mean? Of course he's your son!" you exclaim.

You see Derek picking up the bug by its wings and asking you to stretch the container, you outstretch your hand with the container as far as you could. The bug really gave you the ice and made your body shudder.

"Done! Here's your new home bug!" Your 4 year old talks to the bug that's now in the container.

You and Vernon share a look.

"Aw my baby, protects me from bugs" you pat Dereks back.

"That was nothing" he boasts, trying to impress his mom.

Lee Chan

"What do you think?" you husband, Chan, had just shared with you the most evil plan to prank your daughter. He wanted you in on it.

"She's going to cry" you warn him.

"It's a prank, we'll teach her to be a good sport" he justifies.

"You father daughter do what you want" you let it go. You eerily sound like what your mom used to say and that makes you chuckle internally.

"Okay, I'm gonna go hide it all"

The living room was a mess with all of Yu Na toys as she played in the living room.

"Yu Na" her father appears from the bedroom, "I have to tell you something"

Yu Na thinks its batch time and start whining, she hates bath time.

"It's something else" Chan clears and she calms down.

"Appa was hungry, so Appa ate something that was Yu Na's" he starts.

"My chocolate cake?" she asks in her little voice.

"There's chocolate cake in the fridge?" he looks surprised.

"Yeah, Uncle Dokyeom brought it yesterday"

"Ah, did he? I didn't eat that"

"What did you eat?"

"I ate all your halloween candy"

She looked like she was about to cry, her lips even turned downward. but what came out of her mouth was so precious.

"You were hungry?"

"Yes baby, I was"

"It's okay because you were hungry. You are supposed to eat when you're hungry and I love you so it's okay"

Chan and you were stunned to hear that. She hugs Chan and you give him a heartfelt look.

"This prank turned out wholesome" he says to you.

"Daddy didn't eat all your candies, we were just joking" you explain to your child.

"Just joking?"

"Yeah, we can have some after dinner" the little girl leapt in excitement and ran into the kitchen.

"We're raising the sweetest girl"

"All thanks to you, my love" he takes your hand and you smile at him.

____